To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

I think your post could have been misleading as it made it sound like the grandfather left the money to OP to give to dd.

OP has treated DD like a child, but expects an adult reaction.
That’s where the problem is.
And the fact so many cannot see this is baffling.

The fact the money is in the OP’s account does not mean there isn’t a trust.

In fact, holding something in trust requires that the trustee hold it. It’s a necessary condition of there being a trust, not something that rules it out.

Is there in fact a trust relationship? Neither of us knows. OP needs legal advice if she wants to know for sure. If she’s planning to spend the money she should get that advice (or come to an agreement with the daughter) because taking money from a beneficiary is a serious matter. It’s like being the executor of someone’s will and taking the money for yourself. Maybe you did look after them through their final years while your siblings partied. Taking the money is still serious.

“And yes, I know the will left it to OP who verbally gifted it to DD but the fact is…”

I am unclear how I am misleading anyone in my comment.

Exactly all these comments that it isn't the dd's money. No but her own mother said it was for her. It would be an absolutely appalling breach of trust to change that now.

People need to either put things in their kids names to stop temptation taking over or not mention it in the first place.

Just because OP made a mistake telling her dd about the money, it doesn't mean she needs to further compound that mistake by giving the dd money instead of putting it towards the mortgage, especially as dd will spend it on travelling. A decent roof over both their heads is more important.

She should rent. Her mess.

I didn't see you are misleading anyone, just that your post could have been misleading.

You said:

Imagine telling your child they have inherited £30k from deceased Grandparent and they can have it when they're 19. Then 6 months before telling them they can't have it, and now they have to wait until you die.
And yes, I know the will left it to OP who verbally gifted it to DD

So it made it sound like the grandfather left the money to OP to give to dd.

Offer to pay her back after the house is bought.

it is actually your money - though it’s a pity you ever told her she had a large sum kept aside for her. But you could “borrow” it from her. Or let yer off any rent you charge her (you say she works?). If you don’t charge her rent, start now.

If you would see your own mother rent rather than have the security of buying her own home with her own money then you don't deserve a penny, let alone £30k.

If someone elects not to read the entirety of my comment, then I can see why it may be misleading.

You can't take it. It's not yours.

Except the OP could buy a house without the 15K 🤷‍♀️

At 19 with uni and travelling the house is for the OPs benefit not the daughters. I would never take from my daughter like that as setting her up in life would be more important to me than getting a house in a nicer area (the choice is not homelessness or taking the money it is options of house in different areas) And I think a gap year is a really valuable thing to do. I did a gap year, (I worked in Italian restaurant during my a levels to pay for it) and it really did shape how I approached young adulthood- so I would not take that away from my daughter.

Yes it is just in a less nice area not homelessness

The OP should buy a 1-bedroom apartment, give her daughter the money she wants, and send her packing to find her own accommodation and deal with the cost of living like the adult she is working full time.

'Just because OP made a mistake telling her dd about the money, it doesn't mean she needs to further compound that mistake by giving the dd money'

Just because the op made a mistake telling her dd about the money, it doesn't mean she has to further compound that mistake by refusing to give it to her dd thus possible damaging their relationship for good. It had been 'ring fenced' for her dd. What kind of person whips that away because their relationship failed?!

It’s amazing how many people keep overlooking that little fact. It’s fascinating really.

I agree it is the crux of it really

This

What is wrong with renting in your 50s? Let's face it is is probably better sense tbh rather than having to work for ever to pay back a mortgage then have to sell it anyway to pay for care home fees potentially.

She does not need to buy. She needs to honour their agreement and give her dd the full amount.

Going back to the original post the daughter wants the 30k to travel the world. When she's spent up where does she return to. Yeah mum absolutely skint and unemployed.

Sorry if I'd set that money aside it wouldn't be for fun. That you save for.

This definitely

Maybe she'll stay living abroad who knows. A 19yr old with her whole life ahead of her.

Why do you think the op needs a mortgage in her 50s? Most of us have paid mortgages off by that stage.

Because renting at 50 is not good financially? Because rents are sky high and unless the OP have several hundreds of thousands in investments (which she obviously doesn't), her income will dry up in the next decade - how will then pay a rent to keep a roof to her head for the remaining of life?

Good grief. This thread has gone beyond wild now.