Page 30 | To take DD’s trust fund..

BlueFlamingo55 · 2025-07-21T20:04:12+00:00

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house? DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc. Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in) I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing *her *money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week. Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

Pregnancyquestion · 22/07/2025 13:19

I think if the money is in your name then it’s still your money. I think you should use it and deal with the ramifications. Circumstances have changed. You will do your best to put some money aside over the next few years and contribute to a despsit when she’s ready to buy. She may right now be angry but I’d hope I raised a daughter who would eventually realise how entitled her teenage self was to want her mum to give her 30k while struggling to find somewhere decent for us to live. No 20yo needs 30k

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 13:21

Bridgewhat24 · 22/07/2025 06:58

I am totally flabbergasted by the replies on here!

This is absolutely YOUR call OP. It is YOUR money.
How lovely that you hoped to gift it to you dd. I am mid divorce with similar aged DC. I would absolutely do this and explain to them. They wouldn’t react in the way your dd has.

It sounds like she has been very much prioritised and protected by you up until now, but really needs to grow up now. Your needs are important too. You are making parental decisions to suit YOU and your dd.

If your relationship differs as a result of this, that is not your fault but that your dd is not yet mature.

Best of luck

I think it is Op fault as she clearly told her DD that the money was hers. That was the mistake.

nomas · 22/07/2025 13:24

JustMyView13 · 22/07/2025 13:12

These comments have gone wild.
Imagine telling your child they have inherited £30k from deceased Grandparent and they can have it when they're 19. Then 6 months before telling them they can't have it, and now they have to wait until you die.
And yes, I know the will left it to OP who verbally gifted it to DD but the fact is - why even ever mention it? She could've tucked it away, said nothing until she was 19 and then had it there as an emergency fund in case it's needed.
And those saying you'd buy a 1 bed and tell her to figure her life out, this is why parents lose contact with children and don't see GC. Because you cut your own noses to spite your face. The fact is, OP has gone about it all wrong and DD is reacting to the situation OP created.

Imagine telling your child they have inherited £30k from deceased Grandparent and they can have it when they're 19.

The grandfather left the money to his own daughter, not his granddaughter.

He said he wants OP to have the money.

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 13:26

Heresmycontroversialopinion · 22/07/2025 12:00

Does she appreciate that £15k will be going towards her future home and, I presume, the property she will one day inherit? What is she expecting you to do to make up the shortfall if you can't use the money in your inheritance account?

If she wants to go down the "constructive trust" route saying the money was promised to her and she can prove a legal case for this, you might want to point out that it was "on trust" for university, car and house deposit, not spunking on a gap year.

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Buying a car would be worse than travelling. I don’t think a gap year is a waste of money. The issue is the OP told the daughter it was in ”trust” to her and now takes it away. I would not have promised the daughter anything- our daughter has a trust fund that she can access at 25 but she doesn’t know- so she can save up get a job at uni etc and then it will be a lovely surprise for her and by 25 she would gave discovered a work ethic.

Alondra · 22/07/2025 13:28

JustMyView13 · 22/07/2025 13:12

These comments have gone wild.
Imagine telling your child they have inherited £30k from deceased Grandparent and they can have it when they're 19. Then 6 months before telling them they can't have it, and now they have to wait until you die.
And yes, I know the will left it to OP who verbally gifted it to DD but the fact is - why even ever mention it? She could've tucked it away, said nothing until she was 19 and then had it there as an emergency fund in case it's needed.
And those saying you'd buy a 1 bed and tell her to figure her life out, this is why parents lose contact with children and don't see GC. Because you cut your own noses to spite your face. The fact is, OP has gone about it all wrong and DD is reacting to the situation OP created.

Because as parents we often make mistakes without realising future problems. The OP shouldn't have talked about the account she opened for DD, but she's her only child and likely wanted to reassure her they'll be ok financially.

Blaming the OP for wanting to do the best for her daughter, it's beyond sad. The problem lies squarely with her adult DD - she doesn't have an ounce of love and empathy for her mother securing long term accommodation and wants to pulverise the money she thinks she's entitled to.

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 13:40

patchworkronnie · 22/07/2025 09:05

Do it OP. You matter too. Your Dd can put her plans on hold until she earns the money to execute her luxury plans to full effect.

I really can’t imagine taking money I had promised my daughter.

GrouachMacbeth · 22/07/2025 13:43

Would you be putting on the title deeds of your property?

5128gap · 22/07/2025 13:43

JustMyView13 · 22/07/2025 13:12

These comments have gone wild.
Imagine telling your child they have inherited £30k from deceased Grandparent and they can have it when they're 19. Then 6 months before telling them they can't have it, and now they have to wait until you die.
And yes, I know the will left it to OP who verbally gifted it to DD but the fact is - why even ever mention it? She could've tucked it away, said nothing until she was 19 and then had it there as an emergency fund in case it's needed.
And those saying you'd buy a 1 bed and tell her to figure her life out, this is why parents lose contact with children and don't see GC. Because you cut your own noses to spite your face. The fact is, OP has gone about it all wrong and DD is reacting to the situation OP created.

Yes, well hindsights 20/20 isn't it? The OP has explained that she put the money aside when, not having a crystal ball, she had no fore knowledge her marriage would collapse and her finances change. No doubt she wishes very much she'd not told her DD about the money, but she doesn't have a time machine so is dealing with the here and now. She doesn't have the ability to magic money up to pay for a house and give her DD the money so there's a choice to be made. What's 'wild' to me is the adults on the thread who seem unable to understand that parents do nor have super powers to give their children all of what they want all the time. If the OP is all wrong, what's the right thing to do now?

LardoBurrows · 22/07/2025 13:44

Take the money you need from your father's inheritance that was left to you and which is in a savings account in your name and use it for a nice home in a good area for you and your daughter. Explain to her that life hasn't turned out the way you planned and you are sorry that you are using the money that your father left you on putting a decent roof over both your heads instead of giving it all to her. Tell her you understand her disappointment, but that you are also are disappointed in her reaction.

You should never have told her about the money and should have kept it for a rainy day, like now. As you say she will inherit from your own mother, she will still be in a much more fortunate position than most young people. Also, I hope you will also be inheriting from your mother and if so, keep it all for your retirement as you will need it.

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 13:50

5128gap · 22/07/2025 13:43

Yes, well hindsights 20/20 isn't it? The OP has explained that she put the money aside when, not having a crystal ball, she had no fore knowledge her marriage would collapse and her finances change. No doubt she wishes very much she'd not told her DD about the money, but she doesn't have a time machine so is dealing with the here and now. She doesn't have the ability to magic money up to pay for a house and give her DD the money so there's a choice to be made. What's 'wild' to me is the adults on the thread who seem unable to understand that parents do nor have super powers to give their children all of what they want all the time. If the OP is all wrong, what's the right thing to do now?

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I would buy the house in the less desirable area and then give the daughter the money I promised her. The moment I promised it to her, in my opinion, it would be morally hers.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/07/2025 13:51

Alondra · 22/07/2025 13:28

Because as parents we often make mistakes without realising future problems. The OP shouldn't have talked about the account she opened for DD, but she's her only child and likely wanted to reassure her they'll be ok financially.

Blaming the OP for wanting to do the best for her daughter, it's beyond sad. The problem lies squarely with her adult DD - she doesn't have an ounce of love and empathy for her mother securing long term accommodation and wants to pulverise the money she thinks she's entitled to.

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No the OP has made several mistakes and is continuing to make them.

Nobody is blaming the OP for trying to do what is best for the daughter… good intentions, paved roads…and all that.

The daughter is feeling betrayed not because she “wants to pulverise the money she thinks she's entitled to.” She’s being told that the money she was told she was entitled to is now being taken away. Go look at any inheritance thread ever written here and there are grown adults who struggle to understand and come to terms with unexpected changes to inheritance results. Do you really think a 19 yo is going to rise above the disappointment and be bathed in altruistic magnanimous glory?

I have yet to hear from the OP any sense of real regret for her actions in all of this and appears more than willing to let a bunch of of internet randoms slag off her daughter… oh she did defend her work ethic …yaaa go mum.

At the end of the day the OP is going to use the 15K to buy the house that she wants and the daughter is going to be pissed off. The only real questions that remain is has the OP made yet another bad financial decision and how much and how long has the relationship with the daughter been damaged.

joliefolle · 22/07/2025 14:13

The OP needs to use the money to buy the property she wants. The daughter is going to have to get over it. The OP 100% has to look after her financial security, particularly as this means a home for both OP and DD. But the money came 17 years ago, when the DD was 2, "long before" the OP met, married and divorced someone. During that time, the OP made the promise to her DD, in all likelihood to satisfy her own needs and feelings and now has to deal with the consequences of an outraged and disappointed teenager. The OP is the adult parent and needs to take responsibility for her own behaviour and explain fully and clearly why she was wrong to make that promise to a child, knowing that she doesn't have a crystal ball, that parents have to make hard decisions and apologise to her daughter for leaving this hard decision so late. It's a big blow for the daughter but both need to grow up (sorry OP). Hope you settle into your new home and that you can both move onwards and upwards.

Heresmycontroversialopinion · 22/07/2025 14:13

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 13:26

Buying a car would be worse than travelling. I don’t think a gap year is a waste of money. The issue is the OP told the daughter it was in ”trust” to her and now takes it away. I would not have promised the daughter anything- our daughter has a trust fund that she can access at 25 but she doesn’t know- so she can save up get a job at uni etc and then it will be a lovely surprise for her and by 25 she would gave discovered a work ethic.

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The problem is the bratty 19 year old adult doesn't

A/ understand law (if indeed there was constructive trust (and I am of the strong opinion there wasn't) it was not for the purposes of a gap year;

B/ understand that her mother's circumstances have changed radically following her divorce, and the mother wants to spend her own money left to her by her father on something that will hugely benefit her daughter in both the short (nice home) and long (future valuable inheritance) term;

C/wants the nice house but can't comprehend that her mother can't pay for it out of thin air;

D/ needs to grow up and take some responsibility for the situation and find some compassion for her mother, who is already going to have to work to beyond retirement age to provide her with a family home.

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 14:19

Heresmycontroversialopinion · 22/07/2025 14:13

The problem is the bratty 19 year old adult doesn't

A/ understand law (if indeed there was constructive trust (and I am of the strong opinion there wasn't) it was not for the purposes of a gap year;

B/ understand that her mother's circumstances have changed radically following her divorce, and the mother wants to spend her own money left to her by her father on something that will hugely benefit her daughter in both the short (nice home) and long (future valuable inheritance) term;

C/wants the nice house but can't comprehend that her mother can't pay for it out of thin air;

D/ needs to grow up and take some responsibility for the situation and find some compassion for her mother, who is already going to have to work to beyond retirement age to provide her with a family home.

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I don’t think it is legally the daughters I think it is morally and the daughter is paying the price for the mother making poor financial decisions. The OP just seems like she is not taking responsibility for her part in this mess- telling the daughter the money was hers and then how she handled telling the daughter there was a change. And in this situation I would not take this money from my daughter but the OP has made her decision on it and now the daughter will decide how she handle it moving forward.

Gloriia · 22/07/2025 14:24

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 14:19

I don’t think it is legally the daughters I think it is morally and the daughter is paying the price for the mother making poor financial decisions. The OP just seems like she is not taking responsibility for her part in this mess- telling the daughter the money was hers and then how she handled telling the daughter there was a change. And in this situation I would not take this money from my daughter but the OP has made her decision on it and now the daughter will decide how she handle it moving forward.

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This!

You just cannot dangle a massive financial carrot then swiftly remove it because your latest relrionship hasn't worked out.

The op needs to get a cheaper place or rent and give the dd the inheritance as promised.

Heresmycontroversialopinion · 22/07/2025 14:26

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 14:19

I don’t think it is legally the daughters I think it is morally and the daughter is paying the price for the mother making poor financial decisions. The OP just seems like she is not taking responsibility for her part in this mess- telling the daughter the money was hers and then how she handled telling the daughter there was a change. And in this situation I would not take this money from my daughter but the OP has made her decision on it and now the daughter will decide how she handle it moving forward.

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The OP got divorced in her 50s and needs to buy a home for her and her daughter. What dd you expect her to do? Stay in an unhappy marriage so her daughter can spend £30k on a gap year?

The OP's poor financial decision at the moment is pandering to the daughter wanting her cake and eat it re. the nice house in the nice area. The OP needs to buy somewhere smaller for herself that she can afford and that won't leave her working until she drops dead. Let the daughter have her £30k and go and find a house share like a grown up.

nomas · 22/07/2025 14:28

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 14:19

I don’t think it is legally the daughters I think it is morally and the daughter is paying the price for the mother making poor financial decisions. The OP just seems like she is not taking responsibility for her part in this mess- telling the daughter the money was hers and then how she handled telling the daughter there was a change. And in this situation I would not take this money from my daughter but the OP has made her decision on it and now the daughter will decide how she handle it moving forward.

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She can’t take the money away from the daughter because the daughter never had the money. The money is OP’s, it’s in OP’s account.

The daughter can handle it however she wants to, no one is forcing her to live with Op.

FairKoala · 22/07/2025 14:29

How is the dd entitled to this money?

She might feel entitled because her mother thought at the time she could gift this money to her dd but shit happens

Dd does need to learn that even promises can be broken when circumstances drastically change

I am sure the mother would love to gift her dd £30,000 instead of £15,000. She would love to house her dd in a nicer house in a nicer area. Than a not so nice house in a not so nice area.

However OP can’t. She can gift dd £15,000 and house her in a nice house but £30,000 isn’t going to be possible.

Maybe the reality of what strings come with the extra £15,000
Like finding her own place to live and paying her own bills from now on and seeing how long that extra £15,000 lasts is going to be a life lesson

FairKoala · 22/07/2025 14:31

As a 19 year old you would be grateful for the £15,000 to blow on a gap year.

The way this girl is carrying on she could end up with nothing just to teach her a valuable lesson to not be so nasty to someone who is giving you £15,000
When someone is offering you £15,000 of their own money then take it and thank them. Calling your mother a thief and having tantrums for using her money to put a free roof over your head is going to get you £0

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/07/2025 14:32

FairKoala · 22/07/2025 14:29

How is the dd entitled to this money?

She might feel entitled because her mother thought at the time she could gift this money to her dd but shit happens

Dd does need to learn that even promises can be broken when circumstances drastically change

I am sure the mother would love to gift her dd £30,000 instead of £15,000. She would love to house her dd in a nicer house in a nicer area. Than a not so nice house in a not so nice area.

However OP can’t. She can gift dd £15,000 and house her in a nice house but £30,000 isn’t going to be possible.

Maybe the reality of what strings come with the extra £15,000
Like finding her own place to live and paying her own bills from now on and seeing how long that extra £15,000 lasts is going to be a life lesson

The OP can choose to give the full 30 she is choosing not to.

Really the OP just needs to own the decision, declare it here, and move on with the consequences.

JustMyView13 · 22/07/2025 14:33

nomas · 22/07/2025 13:24

Imagine telling your child they have inherited £30k from deceased Grandparent and they can have it when they're 19.

The grandfather left the money to his own daughter, not his granddaughter.

He said he wants OP to have the money.

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Didn’t bother reading the whole comment then?

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 14:35

nomas · 22/07/2025 14:28

She can’t take the money away from the daughter because the daughter never had the money. The money is OP’s, it’s in OP’s account.

The daughter can handle it however she wants to, no one is forcing her to live with Op.

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I would like to think my daughter trusts me if I make a promise to her especially if I had been mentioning it since she was 2. In my opinion the moment the gift was made between mum and daughter it would in my opinion be my daughters and I don’t need a law to tell me that

Gloriia · 22/07/2025 14:36

'The OP got divorced in her 50s and needs to buy a home for her and her daughter. What dd you expect her to do?'

Rent?

Who tf gets a mortgage in their 50s anyway what is the point.

JustMyView13 · 22/07/2025 14:36

5128gap · 22/07/2025 13:43

Yes, well hindsights 20/20 isn't it? The OP has explained that she put the money aside when, not having a crystal ball, she had no fore knowledge her marriage would collapse and her finances change. No doubt she wishes very much she'd not told her DD about the money, but she doesn't have a time machine so is dealing with the here and now. She doesn't have the ability to magic money up to pay for a house and give her DD the money so there's a choice to be made. What's 'wild' to me is the adults on the thread who seem unable to understand that parents do nor have super powers to give their children all of what they want all the time. If the OP is all wrong, what's the right thing to do now?

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The right thing to do is sit down with her adult daughter and discuss the situation like adults. Vs telling her this is what’s happening. What OP is experiencing is a reaction. Instead of discussing the predicament with her daughter and explaining her position - she’s simply told her she’s not having the money. How exactly do you expect DD to feel when she’s been told her whole life it’s hers?
It’s unfair to expect DD to have an adult reaction to being treated like a child.

MzHz · 22/07/2025 14:36

Your priorities are to house yourself and her

this money maybe intended for her, but it’s yours.

situations change. You can borrow this from her for now and repay in the future. Or offer her a % interest in the property?

she doesn’t get to tell you what to do with your money, you need somewhere to live. She needs somewhere to live and has no immediate need for that money.