To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

You’ve promised her the money for nearly 2 decades of course YABU to now take it from her

your divorce and your finances are you’re own problem (and making)

Does she work full time? Maybe give her the £30k say she can rent her own place now she’s an adult and you buy a smaller home suitable for just you. anything else just looks like you’re stealing it tbh

Sorry to hear this and rightly so that choice was yours.

Is your brother still around?

So yeah, this is what the original post should have said. Minus the attempts to make herself sound like the good guy and blame her kid for behaving like a perfectly normal 19 year old when a huge financial promise she has been looking forward to is broken, this is what actually happened.

She could have spoken to her child and asked her what she wanted to do. But if she had done that her child would have said "Buy the cheaper house and give me my money please."

And that is why the OP didn't ask, she just took it.

Ah well it’s only £30k, these days that won’t buy you a shed. I don’t think you’ll be winning any brownie points for your child though OP, one scenario shows integrity and the other pictures an untrustworthy outcome. For me I couldn’t

I agree with this. I fell for it, though.

So OP, you got to seem like Lady Bountiful (to yourself and your daughter, and probably others who knew about this) for 17 years, and then renege on the promise you made to achieve this. And you expect your daughter to be happy for your theft?

Why not take back some of last year's Christmas presents while you're at it?

Certainly gives you a laugh with some of the responses though.

No one is paying inheritance tax on 30k! It's tiny in the grand scheme of things

I know what FTSE is I've just never seen it written as "footsie" lol

Literally! And I'll also go around deciding which house I absolutely will not live in; though I have fuck all money and nowhere else to go 🤨.

OP I would suggest changing the thread title as the money actually isn’t in a trust fund it’s in a savings account in your name. I think that will drastically change the responses you are getting!

Legally, you can take the money.

Morally, I don't think you should.

You need to have an open and honest conversation with her about this, laying out the options. Of course, she's going to be upset. All her life, she's been led to believe that she has this £30k waiting for her, and right when she's an age where she may stand to benefit from it, you're telling her you're going to take half (at least).

Her being upset doesn't make her an entitled brat like some posters have said. Anyone (including them but they won't admit it) would be upset in this situation. You've dangled a carrot in front of her face for years and when it comes time for her to have a bite, you've cut it in half.

That doesn't mean that there isn't a way for you to take the money you need for the house-and maintain a relationship with your DD, but you need to lay out the options clearly and concisely for her.

The house is X price, and it's the only house suitable within touching distance of your budget. All the other houses are unsuitable or in areas that even your DD doesn't want. (She's 19-why is she getting a say?)

If you are to afford this house, you need X deposit and you can't make that deposit up without that £15k. If she is to give you (and make it a choice for her to give it and not for you to take it) the £15k, you can get the house and you will put her name on the deeds/make sure she has a share of interest in the property. This will benefit her in the future.

At 19, she's not looking at this with long-term thinking. She's seeing that money that she's been told about for years being taken away from her. That is bound to cause upset.

You need to navigate this with understanding about that, and not just "Well, it's really my money and though I promised it to you, circumstances have changed and I'm breaking my promise and taking it back."

This isn't an easy, cut and dry, situation, and neither of you is entirely wrong here. It's a matter of how you handle this and making her feel like she has the option. Are all the other house options utterly terrible? I'd also agree with other posters that, she's 19, she shouldn't have a say in where you move to. She won't be living there that long, most likely.

I don't think it would make any difference, mumsnet police seem to believe they have a right to tell other posters what to do.

If she doesn't want a tiny property or a shit area, then she needs to agree. Have you explained these options to her?

It's not £30k to buy a house. It's £15k plus the £90k she already has to buy a decent house that both she and the DD would like to live in.

That's the way it is on MN.

Borrowing the maximum amount on a mortgage isn't a good financial decision anyway and increases risk. Especially when you are a single applicant and the sole earner.

Probably the most sensible reply on here.

Theft 😆

Yeah, we’ve covered this several times now since the original post.

Yes that was established several hours after the OP stated it was in a trust fund.

I somewhat agree. The issue is that OP has already promised this money to her DD. It has already been gifted... And now OP wants to take that gift back. I am not surprised that a 19 yo would react to this.

I see a few options: Could the 15k be an interest free loan from DD to OP?

Or OP could tell her DD that they will therefore move to a house her DD has (initially) refused to move to. "We can't afford to live here due to the choices we made." That would (hopefully) make her DD consider her choices and their consequences...

I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her.

Could OP afford the house if she stopped helping her out financially? That might be the 3rd option...

Your mistake was telling her about it and calling it her trust fund. It's your money, in your bank account. Yes if you need to move and it benefits you both then use it. I have accounts in my children's names, so it's not mine to touch and they're aware of it. This is filled with money people gifted them and from an inheritance directly to them. I would like to save more money in my own name for them towards a house purchase, but I'm not going to tell them about it, in case I need it for something else e.g. roof needs fixing/car breaks down etc. As you never know what life brings.

So yes use it and explain that it wasn't a trust fund. It's actually your money from your inheritance, in your bank account. Sorry it's going to be less, because you didn't expect to move. But she'll have another inheritance when you pass on. You could invest the £15000 and make up the money that way, and gift it to her later. Or just give her the £15,000 as it's nice big amount. I'd wait for her to calm down before speaking to her, if she's still angry I'd forget about giving her any money for now. She sounds entitled. When you're on better terms you can gift the money. I'd rather gift money when she needs to buy a home. By the way you could amend your will to give her the extra 15,000 when you die. Just a thought.

My mother did this. My DF left money for me to pay for my University fees. My Mother lost money on a poor investment and decided to use the money left to me by DF for her holiday home.
Ive never, and will never, forgive her.
Be warned OP.

Well said. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should. And teaching your child that you can’t be trusted to keep your word is something that will never be forgotten by her and could affect your relationship and even any relationship with your future grandchildren. Certainly isn’t worth £15k imo.