To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

I absolutely agree with this.

I also believe that OP needs to outline how her still supporting her DD "24/7" factors into her finances.

But this needs to be done in a calm, factual manner. Preferably with spreadsheets, visualisation etc.

Equally, why did she ask if she didn't want other people's opinions? That's the point of a chat forum. No poster has to take the advice offered.

From what you've said It's not really a trust fund is it? It's your money and you can do what you like with it. But YA very U to have promised it to her in the first place and to now go back on that promise. I can see why she's annoyed.

I am really not sure what has happened to this parenting site that parents here are talking about "helping out financially" to a now young adult (but still child according to most normally) who by the sound of it was until now in ft education (to she which will be returning after gap year) and completely ignore the fact that that age is not easy with all the life changes and on top of that ignore effects of parent's messy divorce, most likely a move from home(?) into the mix said young adult. Of course hearing that something promised for years and years being taken away will cause upset, especially at this time....
What a brat to get upset, eh

.

The mistake you made was promising the money to your dd when you didn't have a decent safety net for yourself. If you had kept it for her without saying anything, you could have used half now without any issue.

As that promise was made, I think the money is morally hers, even if it's legally in your name. You risk damaging your relationship with her beyond repair if you decide to "take" the money now.

You either need to find a cheaper property or persuade your dc to spend her £15k on buying a share in the property you want. If she doesn't want to invest, and isn't willing to live in a cheaper property, then you tell her that you're buying for yourself in a cheaper area and she can use her inheritance to sort out somewhere to live for herself.

That's literally stealing from your daughter.
You've told her how much she has to come at 19, she has made plans. You cannot now take it back, she won't trust you again.
If you had put this into a real trust fund she would have been safe from you doing this. Is that why you didn't? So you'd have to option to change your mind later on?

Your dd is 19. Old enough to understand you had the best intentions, want to be able to give her the money, but life has thrown you a massive curve ball and she is still getting a very decent £15k of your money.

I'd be telling her firmly I can understand her disappointment, you are disappointed too, but her selfish reaction, for not considering the bigger picture/context is unreasonable, and if she kept up with the sulking she'll get getting nothing. Then don't discuss further and leave her to sulk if that is what she wants to continue to do.

It literally isn't as she never gave it ti her daughter in the first plac

If she is 19 and doesn't like the cheaper areas you are looking at, then surely, as an adult, she can look for her own home in an area she approves of.

YABVU. She needs that way more than you!!!

Exactly that advice, not to be attacked just because some don’t agree.

Did you miss that DD will come into another inheritance from OP’s DM soon? That is expected to cover the deposit for a house.

OP needs a house now and DD is vetoing the ones she can afford.

Who cannot do a gap year on £15K?

Just giving my opinion…..

If the account is in your name its yours to do as you like with. Despite any verbal promises, if her name isn't on the account, it isn't hers.
Unfortunately situation has changed so if it’s your only way of affording the house you’ll have to use it.
You mention inheritance from your mother - would she be in a position to give you a loan/early inheritance?

Having said the above I agree the situation is complex and OP should have approached DD differently

Yes. And it's easier to say 'footsie' but it's also easier when typing, to write FTSE - four letters instead of seven.

Why?

Do it OP. You matter too. Your Dd can put her plans on hold until she earns the money to execute her luxury plans to full effect.

It’s not DD’s fault that her parents are getting a divorce. I’m sure that OP could get a flat? I’d be interested to know how much the new property is and if it’s within budget.

Also £15-30k really isn’t a lot of money for someone who is young. That will go towards a house deposit, but it won’t be the full amount. It’s very difficult for young people these days.

Agree with others, the mistake is calling this a trust fund - a trust is a legal construct, has to be registered with the TRS, have trustees etc.

Your DD has no doubt googled "mum taking my trust fund" and discovered you are breaking the law by doing this, but of course you are not breaking any law as no trust exists, just £30K you had earmarked for her.

Calling it incorrectly a trust has no doubt caused much confusion - the name trust says it all - and she trusted it would be hers.

Lets hope your DD doesn't come across the concept of Estoppel - she could find herself a no win no fee solicitor and be after that £30K!!!😀

My sister owned 3 houses - she had 3 kids. She promised each child a house each - which I thought was fucking stupid. Messy divorce, houses sold, her kids will be fine - I do wonder whether they are all silently fuming.
We should all know not to promise to pave our kids' adult lives with gold. Have a notional fund (in your bank accounts) for kid's deposit, never shared this info with them - in the event you need that money, use it, they will be none the wiser. I totally disapprove of 18-21-year-olds being handed a large sum of money (often a result of the Labour Child Trust Fund bollocks) Some kids are just not in the right place emotionally to deal with it responsibly - and you need to be able to decide when the time is right.
Of course, this is too late for the OP, who should be looking for a house within her means - her dd doesn't get a say, unless she wants to chip in - and it seems she doesn't. Your dd can't have her cake and eat it, a house in a nice area and £30k in her bank account - welcome to adulting.

I wouldn’t do this. Not if you told dd about the money that would be hers.

I would buy the cheaper house further away but if dd didn’t like it and got in a strop about the house then I would explain it’s what can be afforded and give her the option to top up of her own free will if she wants to live closer to town with the proviso that she gets her money back if you sell up with a small amount of interest. Then the choice is hers.

Honestly I would use it for the deposit, it isn't a trust fund its your money you would have liked to have given your daughter but circumstances have changed.

She will inherit more in the foreseeable future and while its unfortunate you have told her the money is there and that you will need to use half of it life changes so needs must.

15k is still a healthy sum for her for now & you have been supporting her in other ways.

This isn’t the only way a trust relationship can be established though. If OP has told her daughter that the £30k is hers (ie, if she’s given it already), and told her she is keeping it in trust for her, then that will also establish a trust relationship. Proving it is a different matter of course.

Intention is key. OP is pretty unclear, but if both she and her daughter believed they were “the daughter’s trust funds” that’s pretty strong evidence that it is a trust. The complication comes where the OP thought she was speaking metaphorically only, or was really making a promise about a future gift, not actually making a gift, but the daughter interpreted differently.