To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

Your DD sounds like a brat OP. If she doesn’t want to live in one of the cheaper houses, then she can contribute. If you felt inclined you could work out a way to repay her over time.

It can still be the daughter’s money held in trust, even if the name on the account is OP’s. This is why legal advice is needed.

When we bought our house we wiped out the savings we had earmarked for the dc. We even took money out of the accounts grandparents had opened for them.

The difference I guess is that we’ve replaced that money (although it still doesn’t get handed over until they are ready to buy a house). I’d give her £10k and use the rest on the house. When she wants to buy her own house you can then decide whether to take out a loan to give her the remaining £30k.

your mistake was of course telling her about the money in the first place.

I am totally flabbergasted by the replies on here!

This is absolutely YOUR call OP. It is YOUR money.
How lovely that you hoped to gift it to you dd. I am mid divorce with similar aged DC. I would absolutely do this and explain to them. They wouldn’t react in the way your dd has.

It sounds like she has been very much prioritised and protected by you up until now, but really needs to grow up now. Your needs are important too. You are making parental decisions to suit YOU and your dd.

If your relationship differs as a result of this, that is not your fault but that your dd is not yet mature.

Best of luck

Yes, I read that but it is not conclusive and she seems quite confused. Best to check it with someone qualified.

You are stealing her money, you have made it clear it was her money for years you now you are unilaterally deciding to take it from her.

My friend bought a house using her son's trust money, I believe the house is also held in trust until they come of age.

You should see a specialist trust solicitor about this, you can definitely own a property in a trust that the children are the beneficiaries of, and your family could live in it. You’d need to decide long term what you do for accommodation. You may be able to save enough from not paying rent to buy a retirement flat in the future. It depends on whether you’d need to pay rent to the trust for living in the property, which I guess depends on what is set out in the letter of wishes that was left.
We’ve done our wills and left everything to DS if we die (c£1m inc life insurance) but he will go to SIL who will struggle to afford him, so made it clear that the income generated on the money is for his upkeep so he maintains his current lifestyle, whether that is to buy or rent a bigger property (she rents 2 bedrooms for her family) or holidays, food etc. A trust will be created and my DSIS and SIL will be the trustees, I trust DSIS, shes hopeless with kids, too busy with work, but I know she’ll look after the financial side for DS whereas SIL would have no idea what to do with investments.
Is the money in a formal trust? Who are the trustees?

Not if the money has never been given to her.

if my friend wins the lottery and tells me she’ll give me £1m is that money in trust for me? No. It’s hers until she gives it to me.

if I'm left £1m by a rich uncle and my parents hang on to it until I’m old enough then that is my money. It’s completely different.

this is the OPs money. Promised but not yet given.

I’d like to think my daughter in the same position would be understand my disappointed but would not react in such a way. She either has to wait longer for the 15k or she has to live in a not so nice area.

have you offered what you can afford for the house? The seller may come down 15k most would take an offer at 10k lower without much thought. We ended up taking nearer 20 off after various ridiculous demands from the buyer during the process and we didn’t want to loose the onward purchase. Just a thought.

Really don’t get why people on here think they are entitled to tell another parent what they can and can’t do with their financial situations. We can advise on what we would do but the way some posters are saying…. No way should you touch that money is beyond me.
It is entirely up to the poster what she does with the money but it is a big mistake coming onto mumsnet police to be reassured she is doing the right thing.

I would advise anyone coming on this site to ask advice on any situation you are making a big mistake because mumsnet police will make you feel shit about yourself. Op go with your gut instinct on what you think is right for you and your daughter.
We have used our kids savings for an extension on our house but that was our choice and there is absolutely nothing anyone can do about that other than us the parents.

Exactly. The question is whether the money has been given or not.

A lot of posters here seem to think the question is whose name the account is in, which is misleading.

OP seems unclear, which is why she needs legal advice.

She is still getting £15k, it is in your name and she will inherit further down the line. Presumably she will inherit this house that you are buying in the future. I don’t think you are unreasonable to use this money as a deposit to secure a permanent home for you both. £15k for a 19 year old is still a very good amount to buy a car and help with uni costs.

You are not the worst mother I the world. If she wants a better house she can give you, lend you the money.
If not she can do whatever with the money but say no words about the house etc.

Your DD has a choice to make, part fund the new house or you buy somewhere smaller, which may or may not have room for her. That is the reality of the situation.

I gave up reading after about 4 pages
But it appears that legally the money is the OPs but morally it belongs to the daughter.

The daughter therefore has her own sum that can be used as a deposit for her own house. So the OP would do better to buy a single bed house in the nice area and daughter can buy her own house/ rent where she desires.
She might become more reasonable when she realises she can't have her cake and eat it.

And all the posters saying give the daughter the money or you will damage the relationship with your daughter. It is of course quite possible that the daughter being an entitled brat will cause resentment with the OP and damage the relationship anyway. This is 2 adults who should BOTH be capable of thinking of the other person.

What are you on about. There is no tax angle here. She ring fenced an inheritance to be a future gift. Get your facts straight before calling out the OP for something that didn’t happen.

It's a good lesson for all the other parents who think big noting themselves and then changing their mind about big promises when it suits them is ok. It's usually the dads you hear about of course.

Sorry OP didn't get the rousing cheer squad she was hoping for. But she always intended to do whatever she wanted anyway, she just wanted an excuse to blame her 19 year old daughter for her choice to renege on her promise.

Oh well, you can chat about it every mother's day, birthday, Christmas etc for the rest of your lives, interest free.

Don't take her money. She would never forgive you. Can you offer 15k less on the place you want?

Can you ask your mum for the money you need instead?

If not, just go for a 1 bed place for yourself. Your daughter can use her money to rent somewhere.

None of that changes the fact that it's not about survival.
She can do this, but she should at least face up to what it is, and how it will reasonably make her daughter feel.

This.

I think making a unilateral decision to dip into the money you had ringfenced for DD instead of discussing this reality with her wasn’t a good way to proceed.

I understand why a 19 yo feels the money is morally hers and why that question is complex. I do not understand why DD thinks she gets to keep the money and also have any say in where you choose to buy. That is just makes her sound not very bright. Or spoilt.

Until the daughter realises what a lovely home her mother has provided for them both and a house she will inherit.

This, OP you have commited fraud and maybe in serious trouble especially as money laundering laws should check these things.

It's the OPs decision to live in the nice house, that's the one the OP wants. She said "and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in".

And OP is entirely in control of all the finances which is why she is taking the money promised to the girl.

Bottom line, OP threw in a bunch of obfuscations to try to blame her kid for being understandably upset that her mother had just told her she wasn't getting the money her mother had promised to her for years. Of course the 19 year old wants the nicer house - but it's the OP who wants it and is choosing to buy it, even though she cannot afford it without taking away the money promised to her child.

OP could very easily sat her child down and explained the situation to her and let her kid choose. But if she had done that, her kid would have said "buy the cheaper house and let me have the money you promised me".

OP I think you've been given a really hard time on this thread. It's your money and you had hoped to pass it on to DD.
As my dear husband would say, shit happens.
We bought a house a few years ago and our son loaned us some money. He then asked for it back earlier than agreed. I had just been diagnosed with cancer. I put an AIBU up on mumsnet and got a real bashing. I was subject to name calling including being called a fraudster. MN can be brutal over DC and money!
I have recently given him the money back by cashing in a pension. He got interest too! He's never paid us any rent, he refuses. He's found a house and will be off soon.
Your daughter is very young to be calling the shots. You obviously sought her opinion on a new home but ultimately it is your decision. If it's any use Barclays mortgage people with pensions to 80 by which time your daughter will be living her own life. You've also said she's to inherit so she's not destitute. In fact she is privalaged. I inherited a vauxhall meriva!
We're having to downsize due to my illness and it's been tough. The building society absolute wa*kers. However all this nonsense about you not being able to mortgage a £200k house is bonkers. You'll pay double in rent to a landlord. You take home just under £4k so a £100k repayment mortgage with your deposit s less than a £1k a month (rough figures).
I'd put the £15k back into the account at £100 a month and live in a decent area. Location is key.