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AIBU?

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Original poster

To take DD’s trust fund..

1000 replies

BlueFlamingo55 · 21/07/2025 21:04

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

OP posts:
thelakeisle · 22/07/2025 02:13

Falseknock · 22/07/2025 01:50

It's a juicy thread a lot of the time it's boring on here. Every holiday it starts getting creative. Don't believe everything you read.

Show quote history

Yes, true, it might all just be fabricated bullshit.

thelakeisle · 22/07/2025 02:14

RawBloomers · 22/07/2025 01:03

You say it was a mistake to tell her of your plans to spend the money on a better house. I don’t see what alternative you had. I suppose you could have waited until she asked for the money and then told her you’d screwed her over. But that wouldn’t be better would it? Your mistake was in lying to her in the first place.

Your lack of honesty with her is coming back to bight you. You’ve spent years making our you’ve been incredibly generous and letting her bask in the idea you’ve put lots of money aside for her. But it wasn’t true. You hadn’t put the money aside for her. You’d kept it and now you’re squeezed you don’t want to give it to her.

I don’t think you’re obliged to give your DD 30k when you don’t have a secure home. But having told her for years that the money is coming to her, I think it’s pretty awful to renege on that just before it’s due. I would not have been agreeing to give her 30K to spend as she pleases at 19, though. I don’t think it’s wise for someone that age to have access to that sort of money for spending on “fun”. I’d have set up an actual trust where I had to approve spending until she was 25+ so that it could be kept for things like the cost of study or setting up for work, etc. I don’t know what the best route out of your current situation is. But I think just taking the money because it’s there and you have a use for it is pretty poor.

Right. All of this.

FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 22/07/2025 02:26

There is no reason for you to feel guilty. It's still your money and your financial circumstances have changed in a way you did not anticipate when you made the original plan. Your daughter will be no worse off than thousands of 19-year-olds who go off to university every year without the benefit of a five-figure sum. An extended trip abroad is not a basic human right and there are other ways to finance a gap year if she really wants one. She could work for a year and save hard, or take a working gap year.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 22/07/2025 02:34

If the account is in your name then you can legally use the money how you wish. However now you have told your DD that the intention was for her to receive the money it is difficult to back track.

I would suggest possibly becoming shared owners of the house... could that be an option. That allows you both to live there for the time being and then ....... hopefully if/when dd wants more independence you can sell this house and split the equity gained.

Chickensky · 22/07/2025 02:36

FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 22/07/2025 02:26

There is no reason for you to feel guilty. It's still your money and your financial circumstances have changed in a way you did not anticipate when you made the original plan. Your daughter will be no worse off than thousands of 19-year-olds who go off to university every year without the benefit of a five-figure sum. An extended trip abroad is not a basic human right and there are other ways to finance a gap year if she really wants one. She could work for a year and save hard, or take a working gap year.

Or... She could start 15k invested with a share in a property that her mum and her have chosen. As in mum doesn't need to ,"take it". She is an adult acknowledges she put those funds aside for her. If I were in this position where I needed the funds and my daughter wanted a location that I was "quietly" agreeing with. I wouldn't want to put her down. I'd look at this as a way to put her on the ladder and myself in the home. Probably at a zero percent loan from her.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 22/07/2025 02:38

wordler · 21/07/2025 23:37

I think it's a mistake to keep calling it a trust fund. It's your savings account from which you have promised DD $30,000.

She's not going to need $30,000 for travelling. She doesn't need all $30,000 in one go.

Explain to her that your options are to buy a two-bed house that DD can live in, in an area she likes if you use the $15,000 now, or you will have to buy a one-bed place just for you and she can have her whole $30,000 but she will need to get herself a place of her own to rent etc.

If she goes with the $15,000 for the house then she owns a $15,000 share in the house, but that you will also look to saving up and 'buying her out' over the next couple of years, so that she can have the $15,000 back in cash if she needs it.

I think this is a decent suggestion. She should benefit from any increase in value of the house though.

Caiti19 · 22/07/2025 02:42

House takes priority in my opinion.

I'll never tell a teenager they've money coming to them for this very reason. I'd rather "surprise help" them with large costs.

Nana4 · 22/07/2025 02:42

Rachie1973 · 21/07/2025 21:27

You can’t steal your own money. It’s OPs money that she was planning to give to her DD. After her strop if she was mine she wouldn’t be getting a penny.

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This
if she wants to go travelling she can do as thousands of other students do, get a job and save. As for refusing to live where is affordable it’s time she learnt that life is not a bed of roses. I’d not be giving her anything until she was at least 25. and by then your circumstances may have improved.

99bottlesofkombucha · 22/07/2025 02:46

IShouldNotCoco · 21/07/2025 22:27

I can see why some children cut their parents off if you behave like this.

she is not a brat. Her mother promised her this money. End of story.

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The daughter is rejecting the houses her mum can afford. That is bratty.

99bottlesofkombucha · 22/07/2025 02:48

Pussygaloregalapagos · 22/07/2025 02:38

I think this is a decent suggestion. She should benefit from any increase in value of the house though.

Show quote history

I initially thought this was decent, but the daughter will then be insisting her mum find her 15k to go traveling with…. Or more reasonably to buy a house herself down the track.

Sporadica · 22/07/2025 02:52

If it's held in trust for her benefit then even if you're the trustee, it's only reasonable for you to use it for her benefit. If she were much younger, this might be done without her permission, but not at 19!! But I would tell her that without her contribution it's going to be one of the houses she has refused to live in, as the desired locations aren't affordable on your contribution alone.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/07/2025 02:55

Are you ‘the worst mother in the world’? No.

Are you the worst trustee in the world? Well, taking money from a dedicated trust fund for someone else is up there, yes

Chickensky · 22/07/2025 03:06

99bottlesofkombucha · 22/07/2025 02:48

I initially thought this was decent, but the daughter will then be insisting her mum find her 15k to go traveling with…. Or more reasonably to buy a house herself down the track.

Show quote history

Why would she? Surely the conversation is that she has the investment? We only have one side of the convo here which to date is I've promised you this money for years and now I'm going to take half.

What about you the convo saying "I need more capital and if you come in with me you will benefit from owning part of a house and will benefit from any equity rise. It's a long term investment but we can live in a location we both choose.". You at a very youbg age will own a share in a property.

At the moment OP is just thinking about taking half of those promised funds for the same result. I am only suggesting bringing the daughter onto the property ladder with them.

evelynevelyn · 22/07/2025 03:17

The legal position doesn’t depend on whose name is on the bank account, but who the beneficial owner is.

If OP has already gifted the money to her daughter (even if it stays in her account) then it’s the daughter’s.

The OP is quite unclear on whether the money has been gifted or merely promised, but it reads more like promised to me.

Often a donor will make a document to evidence the gift. In the absence of that, one might look to whether it’s been treated as OP’s or the daughter’s for other purposes, eg for benefits or divorce or tax.

pollyglot · 22/07/2025 03:26

Just saying...when I left the ex, whose refusal to work left me poor - I worked and supported the family while he sat around - my son gave me his student loan money - I found it under my pillow with a note saying "you need it more than I do, Ma xxx" ...

Muffinmam · 22/07/2025 03:29

What is wrong with you?!?

Get a loan!!

LillyPJ · 22/07/2025 03:32

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 21/07/2025 21:41

Where does this poster say the money is stagnating in a cash savings account?

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The OP has stated that the money is in a savings account in OP's name. (See all OP's comments.) It was misleading of OP to say it was a trust fund, which is a different thing.

LillyPJ · 22/07/2025 03:40

Caiti19 · 22/07/2025 02:42

House takes priority in my opinion.

I'll never tell a teenager they've money coming to them for this very reason. I'd rather "surprise help" them with large costs.

Exactly this. My DC both have big expenses coming up (house purchase and house renovation) and they are both saving like mad, something they've not been inclined to do before. I've always been a saver and plan to give them both a chunk of money when the time comes. But if I'd told them before they might not have saved. My contribution will be their reward for saving.

Chickensky · 22/07/2025 03:43

LillyPJ · 22/07/2025 03:40

Exactly this. My DC both have big expenses coming up (house purchase and house renovation) and they are both saving like mad, something they've not been inclined to do before. I've always been a saver and plan to give them both a chunk of money when the time comes. But if I'd told them before they might not have saved. My contribution will be their reward for saving.

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Absolutely agree. But this wasn't what has happened in this case.

LillyPJ · 22/07/2025 03:59

Chickensky · 22/07/2025 03:43

Absolutely agree. But this wasn't what has happened in this case.

Edited
Show quote history

I know that. I was just making the point that it's not always a good idea to tell them you'll be giving them money. If OP hadn't said anything, her DD would have been delighted to get a surprise £15k. As it is, £15k would be really disappointing. If you promise an amount, you shouldn't go back on the promise.

NewbieYou · 22/07/2025 04:31

I wouldn’t be happy to hear she wanted to spend it all on travelling.

Im currently spending a year travelling. I’m 30 and my husband and I have saved for a decade to do so and we have less per person than £30k.

thelakeisle · 22/07/2025 04:59

And yeah, it is NOT "can't buy a house if I don't take the money I promised to my daughter" - it is "can't buy the nicer house I want".

thelakeisle · 22/07/2025 05:00

thelakeisle · 22/07/2025 01:37

I'd love to re write some of the threads on mumsnet, with a view to being honest and fair. In that vein, the OPs title should have been "I promised my daughter money and now I'm taking it away, she's upset but I want her to agree with me without making me feel bad".

And her post could read:

"My daughter is 19, I have promised her for years she would get thirty thousand dollars when she turns 21, and she has been excitedly looking forward to me honouring that promise and made many plans for the money that she did not ask for, but that I promised her.

Now, my circumstances have changed, and I want to buy a house that is out of my price range. I could afford a cheaper house without taking her money, but I would rather buy the more expensive house.

As a 19 year old, obviously she wants the nicer house too, but I have final say on everything financial, as proven by my decision not to give her the money I promised her.

I told my daughter I plan to use half the money I promised to give to her and she is extremely upset.

I think that's unfair, as I want the nicer house and I would rather she just went along with my plans without making me feel bad.

AIBU

Edited

When you strip away all the obfuscations.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 22/07/2025 05:30

EggCustardTartt · 21/07/2025 23:26

"My mum was going to give me £30k and my granny is going to give me even more. But now I'm only getting £15k from my mum because she had an unexpected messy divorce and needs somewhere to live. She's such a bitch!"

Hmm

My Mum thought it would be nice to have money for a down payment on a house or a car but I want to just waste it being a gad-about! Then come home and expect my Mum to support me.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 22/07/2025 05:33

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/07/2025 02:55

Are you ‘the worst mother in the world’? No.

Are you the worst trustee in the world? Well, taking money from a dedicated trust fund for someone else is up there, yes

Luckily for her, it's NOT a trust fund, as OP has said one thousand and twenty times. It's a savings account in the OP's name and the OP's name only.

So, I guess she isn't the worst anything.

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