Page 20 | To take DD’s trust fund..

BlueFlamingo55 · 2025-07-21T20:04:12+00:00

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house? DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc. Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in) I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing *her *money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week. Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

VeryStressedMum · 22/07/2025 00:47

It's between the two of you how it if the money is spent. But don't let her dictate what house you buy

Floatlikeafeather2 · 22/07/2025 00:48

I don't understand why you call this a trust fund because it's very misleading. A trust fund has rules about the "ownership" of the money because of the tax rules. What you have is a sizeable amount of money put away and earmarked for your daughter. That's a different situation.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/07/2025 00:48

thelakeisle · 22/07/2025 00:43

Hmm, projection is always something you find on mumsnet, perhaps you are indeed a selfish demanding little madam.

Impossible to tell of course, just as it is completely impossible to make such an assumption about the 19 year old based on a biased post by a woman who wants to be told she is morally right when doing the morally wrong thing.

You know you have lost the argument when you start calling total strangers names and clearly you have your own issues, so I will just stick to the facts I stated.

If you're sick of posting shit, just stop commenting and reading - that's a nice easy fix :)

My previous comments stand. That's it. That's how it is.

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Well thank you for making me laugh after a long day!

As a 52 year old knackered mother of 6, who is the carer of her parents, I can catergorically state I am not a little madam!

Why are you so angry about this? Who took something from you that made you so angry about this thread?

Waterweight · 22/07/2025 00:53

Your dad would be gutted to see how she's treating you

Chickensky · 22/07/2025 00:54

Chickensky · 22/07/2025 00:39

Ok. So why wouldn't you propose to you daughter that to the 15k that she has x% of the property. It's her money and her gains. It would suit both preferences and also doesn't mean just taking money that to all intent and purposes was her's?

She could lend you the money for an interest in the property.

Gonna quote myself for the fact I think it's important women think about owning property, access to funds, pensions considerations etc.

Happy to be shut down on this one but would this be a feasible proposal? But if so can you say why? For my own education, I am really not being goady.

suburberphobe · 22/07/2025 00:55

Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Utterly spoilt.

Refuse to speak to you?

Fuck that. Refuse buying food, take her telephone away, turn off the internet.

Common OP. You are the adult here.

Cherrypies · 22/07/2025 00:59

I dont think you are wrong at all, a home is a fundamental need, travel is not, it's a luxury. I also assume you will leaving the house to your daughter in your will, which will be worth a lot more than 15k, she needs to see the bigger picture.

RawBloomers · 22/07/2025 01:03

You say it was a mistake to tell her of your plans to spend the money on a better house. I don’t see what alternative you had. I suppose you could have waited until she asked for the money and then told her you’d screwed her over. But that wouldn’t be better would it? Your mistake was in lying to her in the first place.

Your lack of honesty with her is coming back to bight you. You’ve spent years making our you’ve been incredibly generous and letting her bask in the idea you’ve put lots of money aside for her. But it wasn’t true. You hadn’t put the money aside for her. You’d kept it and now you’re squeezed you don’t want to give it to her.

I don’t think you’re obliged to give your DD 30k when you don’t have a secure home. But having told her for years that the money is coming to her, I think it’s pretty awful to renege on that just before it’s due. I would not have been agreeing to give her 30K to spend as she pleases at 19, though. I don’t think it’s wise for someone that age to have access to that sort of money for spending on “fun”. I’d have set up an actual trust where I had to approve spending until she was 25+ so that it could be kept for things like the cost of study or setting up for work, etc. I don’t know what the best route out of your current situation is. But I think just taking the money because it’s there and you have a use for it is pretty poor.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/07/2025 01:06

Waterweight · 22/07/2025 00:53

Your dad would be gutted to see how she's treating you

Maybe, but the money was not left by him for his gd.
It's OP's inheritance. She just decided to save it for her daughter. Marriage ended and she needs the money now. I agree the daughter is out of line. However, OP is also being ridiculous trying to buy beyond her means and let daughter dictate what and where to buy.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/07/2025 01:11

Chickensky · 22/07/2025 00:54

Gonna quote myself for the fact I think it's important women think about owning property, access to funds, pensions considerations etc.

Happy to be shut down on this one but would this be a feasible proposal? But if so can you say why? For my own education, I am really not being goady.

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I think (live somewhere else so not fully familiar with the laws involved) that there may be some implications when it comes to her buying her own house.

I also don’t love the idea, personally, of owning property with relatives. It can get messy very quickly.

The last reason (off the top of my head) is that the money is then tied up with very little hope of becoming liquid in the event that the daughter wants it. The OP would be unlikely to buy her out/pay back anytime soon.

I do agree with your first sentence and can whole heartedly get behind that idea. Sadly the OP had a great opportunity to teach a valuable lesson with this money by investing it all those years ago. If done then the DD would have her 30K and OP would have had 15K with more left over.

Michele09 · 22/07/2025 01:12

'"The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc"

The daughter hasn't gone to university if she is at home at 19. The fund was never intended by the mum for travelling. It isn't clear whether the money was being given only for the above purposes or just given as a lump sum without stipulation over its use.

IndigoBluey · 22/07/2025 01:16

You can’t spend the money, as it is already hers. It is in a trust for her. So I am unsure why you are asking the question.

MyRootinTootinBaby · 22/07/2025 01:18

Having a house is more important than squandering it travelling. Plans change.

Falseknock · 22/07/2025 01:21

IndigoBluey · 22/07/2025 01:16

You can’t spend the money, as it is already hers. It is in a trust for her. So I am unsure why you are asking the question.

The money is actually in the ops savings account. I am now suspicious why she gave the thread that title?

IndigoBluey · 22/07/2025 01:25

@Falseknockyes interesting use of the term trust fund then, when it is nothing of the sort and had derailed the thread somewhat… OP I think YABU, you shouldn’t have told your DD you had ringfenced money for her if you weren’t absolutely sure you could follow through.

somethingbeginningwithb · 22/07/2025 01:26

thelakeisle · 22/07/2025 00:46

If that was indeed the choice, OP would not be in the wrong. But it's not. The choice is - buy the nicer house that OP wants or buy the cheaper house that OP can better afford.

Telling your 19 year old you are taking the money you promised her, and that's that, is not a compromise. Of course OP can legally do it, and of course her child was going to react badly.

She could have sat her down and discussed it with her, explained the situation, asked for her understanding. But if she had done that, OP ran the risk of her daughter refusing, so it's a done deal, regardless.

I think that's what bothers me the most about this thread. It's not that the OP is doing it - it's that she wants to be told it's a good thing to break a cast iron promise to her daughter, take half the money promised to her and tell her to suck it up.

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But it's predominantly OP's DD that won't live in a cheaper area, not OP? - "We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them."

The impression I got was that DD, not OP, refused to compromise on the house location, and therefore price. If she was, she'd still receive the 30k pledged to her.

Respectuflly, I disagree that OP is steering the thread towards her echo chamber. Of my own volition, I believe OP is fair in what she proposes.

MooFroo · 22/07/2025 01:32

It’s your money, not DDs!use it to make your life better and easier whether that’s now with this house or with retiring a bit earlier

she’s young and has her whole life ahead of her hopefully to do what she wants - she just needs to learn how to finance herself!

keep your own money and spend it how you want to x

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/07/2025 01:36

somethingbeginningwithb · 22/07/2025 01:26

But it's predominantly OP's DD that won't live in a cheaper area, not OP? - "We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them."

The impression I got was that DD, not OP, refused to compromise on the house location, and therefore price. If she was, she'd still receive the 30k pledged to her.

Respectuflly, I disagree that OP is steering the thread towards her echo chamber. Of my own volition, I believe OP is fair in what she proposes.

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You kind of cherry picked that quote

"We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them.(and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)”

I do agree the OP isn’t necessarily steering the thread to an echo chamber, but I do think she’s looking for permission to use the money or a last minute suggestion to make everyone happy. I give her credit though for sticking around and answering questions especially with all of the confusion surrounding the ‘trust’.

She’s backed herself into a corner with no easy way out.

thelakeisle · 22/07/2025 01:37

I'd love to re write some of the threads on mumsnet, with a view to being honest and fair. In that vein, the OPs title should have been "I promised my daughter money and now I'm taking it away, she's upset but I want her to agree with me without making me feel bad".

And her post could read:

"My daughter is 19, I have promised her for years she would get thirty thousand dollars when she turns 21, and she has been excitedly looking forward to me honouring that promise and made many plans for the money that she did not ask for, but that I promised her.

Now, my circumstances have changed, and I want to buy a house that is out of my price range. I could afford a cheaper house without taking her money, but I would rather buy the more expensive house.

As a 19 year old, obviously she wants the nicer house too, but I have final say on everything financial, as proven by my decision not to give her the money I promised her.

I told my daughter I plan to use half the money I promised to give to her and she is extremely upset.

I think that's unfair, as I want the nicer house and I would rather she just went along with my plans without making me feel bad.

AIBU

Lifesd · 22/07/2025 01:49

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, particularly as she is likely to inherit from her GM and presumably you. You have had a change in circumstances and will already be working to make ends meet - you are hardly taking it all to fund a life of luxury!

Falseknock · 22/07/2025 01:50

thelakeisle · 22/07/2025 01:37

I'd love to re write some of the threads on mumsnet, with a view to being honest and fair. In that vein, the OPs title should have been "I promised my daughter money and now I'm taking it away, she's upset but I want her to agree with me without making me feel bad".

And her post could read:

"My daughter is 19, I have promised her for years she would get thirty thousand dollars when she turns 21, and she has been excitedly looking forward to me honouring that promise and made many plans for the money that she did not ask for, but that I promised her.

Now, my circumstances have changed, and I want to buy a house that is out of my price range. I could afford a cheaper house without taking her money, but I would rather buy the more expensive house.

As a 19 year old, obviously she wants the nicer house too, but I have final say on everything financial, as proven by my decision not to give her the money I promised her.

I told my daughter I plan to use half the money I promised to give to her and she is extremely upset.

I think that's unfair, as I want the nicer house and I would rather she just went along with my plans without making me feel bad.

AIBU

Edited

It's a juicy thread a lot of the time it's boring on here. Every holiday it starts getting creative. Don't believe everything you read.

SENNeeds2 · 22/07/2025 01:59

It’s not her trust fund - it’s your savings you are delaying giving to her. ‘Borrow’ 15k and give her 15k with a view to when she’ll get the other 15.
and start charging her rent

Chickensky · 22/07/2025 02:02

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/07/2025 01:11

I think (live somewhere else so not fully familiar with the laws involved) that there may be some implications when it comes to her buying her own house.

I also don’t love the idea, personally, of owning property with relatives. It can get messy very quickly.

The last reason (off the top of my head) is that the money is then tied up with very little hope of becoming liquid in the event that the daughter wants it. The OP would be unlikely to buy her out/pay back anytime soon.

I do agree with your first sentence and can whole heartedly get behind that idea. Sadly the OP had a great opportunity to teach a valuable lesson with this money by investing it all those years ago. If done then the DD would have her 30K and OP would have had 15K with more left over.

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I do understand what you are saying but OP is talking about using 15k of her attributed daughter's money. She should at least have the the good conscience that gives her x% of her buying power. The mum and daughter should not write it this off. It helps both of them ultimately. Daughter owns 15k worth of the capital. Mum gets the loan she needed. It would need to worked through on paperwork. But, seemingly mum could take it anyway, I'm suggesting an alternative route which my help both of them. And I am acutely aware that mum has all the control right now and choose to just take it.

Tangerinenets · 22/07/2025 02:04

CorbyTrouserPress · 21/07/2025 21:09

It’s not your money. You can’t just ‘take’ someone else’s money.

It is her money, left to her by her dad but she put it away for her daughter.

thelakeisle · 22/07/2025 02:12

Chickensky · 22/07/2025 02:02

I do understand what you are saying but OP is talking about using 15k of her attributed daughter's money. She should at least have the the good conscience that gives her x% of her buying power. The mum and daughter should not write it this off. It helps both of them ultimately. Daughter owns 15k worth of the capital. Mum gets the loan she needed. It would need to worked through on paperwork. But, seemingly mum could take it anyway, I'm suggesting an alternative route which my help both of them. And I am acutely aware that mum has all the control right now and choose to just take it.

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I agree that OP could have probably talked her daughter round, and in the end it would likely benefit the daughter too. It's not unreasonable for the OP to ASK her daughter about this and persuade her to see her point of view.

What bothered me is the way the OP wrote her post to try to justify what she had already decided to do and paint her daughter as the villain of the piece for reacting like any 19 year old would.