To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

Is there a realistic chance you can afford to save £15,000 and give it to your daughter perhaps 6/7 years down the line?

I also have savings in an account earmarked for my children. I haven’t put it into an account for them, because there is no way I want them to access that kind of money when they are 18/19. I intend to give it to them once they are more mature and won’t spend it on shite.

Is that a possibility for you?

That's quite a different time frame. Op would have got her money in 2007, invested and the oops 2008 happened. Then it's been a bit ropey since 2016 in the UK.

The average rate of return for the last 20 years is similar at 10%. Both periods would have covered 2008 and 2016.

You say "might lose contact with her" that is emotional manipulation. You don't want the op to take the 15k to pay for a roof over her and her daughter's head. You say she might lose contact to put fear into her. I don't think the op should be held to ransom she should take the money and house them both.

She wanted kudos for being generous mum doing nice things for her daughter and giving her daughter a fantastic start to her young adult life - which she got.

And now she is looking for people to tell her that her daughter's entirely foreseeable reaction to withdrawing that gift and that promise is somehow unusual - which it's not.

You are now rewriting the thread and trying to emotionally manipulate me.

Nope, she won't lose the roof over her head, OP wants the more expensive house and has chosen to take the money she promised to her daughter to enable that. That's it, that's the whole story.

As the icing on the cake, she has tried to blame her child for OPs decision to want the nicer house, and is upset that her child has reacted as anybody could have predicted, and has come here to be told her child is wrong for reacting badly to having her promised gift stripped from her.

Like most things, it's a lot less complex than people try to pretend it is. Generally, when someone is trying to justify a bad moral decision, they throw a lot of extrraneous detail in, as the OP has.

But my first paragraph - not the first sentence but the paragraph thereafter - lays it out. There's no more to it than that.

I won't comment on the advisability of your decision, but I'll point out that to try to convince a teen that you're buying a "permanent" house for you both, when she's presumably about to launch out on her own in a few years - well, that's shaky ground for a premise.

They are more likely to end up homeless buying this house than not buying one.

Yanbu at all and dd needs to do her bit for her family!

Presumably she will live with you for cheap, always have a base to come home to after travelling

I wouldn't be discussing this further with her tbh, she needs to stop being ungrateful and be thankful that shes not living like a lot of 19 year olds, renting and working

Hope you go for it, and get yourself that new start xx

It's not your money how am I manipulating you. There's nothing to gain from you. It's the ops decision on what she decides to do and I hope she takes it and houses herself. She needs to think about her future and old age. Her daughter is young and has plenty of time to figure it out the op doesn't.

OP doesn't want the more expensive house, her DD does.
DD wants to stay local.
OP should buy a one bedroom with no sofa and wave DD off with her 30,000.

She said she can afford the mortgage repayments. She will be working until she drops. Her house will be able to pay for her care at some point. The only risk is if op becomes ill before the end of her mortgage.

@EmeraldShamrock000 She could buy a one-bedroom and get a sleeper sofa for the living room. No reason not to house her DD, it just needs to be affordable for the OP long-term.

Nope, OP has blamed her child for this, but it is entirely and 100 percent the OPs decision. As if an adult buys a house based on what their 19 year old wants - if that is really true the OP shouldn't be buying anything at all.

As OP said "And I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in". She's using her child's preferences to make an excuse she can live with for taking the money promised to her child.

She can buy the cheaper house, or damage her relationship with her child. Those are the only two choices.

I mean, sure she can also make her kid completely homeless if she prefers.

Yep. She can barely afford the more expensive house she wants and will be working until she drops. It's a risk, for sure.

Sick of this shit

Clearly you have your own issues so

The OP doesnt like the cheap area but would go there as it is affordable. The DD doesnt like the cheap area but doesnt want to financially contribute to the nice area as it will mean there is less in her "fund". DD wants it all ways...... 30k to spunk on holidays but to come back to a house in an area she approves of but with no financial contribution or sacrfice on her part.

She is a selfish demanding little madam who expects her mother to provide it all with no input from her.

Thats it. Thats how it is.

That’s not the only risk. There’s a thousand risks. I am not going to bother listing them all.

OP says she has other debt and doesn’t want to take on 15k more. Thus I am assuming it’s a considerable amount.

OP if you read this I would ignore the daughter situation for a moment. Name change and repost your financial situation with the house price details either here or on one of the finance or money saving expert forums. Do not mention the daughter. Just mention the sum you decide. Ie. Either the 90k + your contingency or the 105k + your contingency.

Nope, I don't want the OP to steal from her daughter and then pretend she is confused that her daughter is upset about it. And yes, it is stealing - morally speaking. Of course she can legally steal the money, and of course her daughter will never forget she has.

OP had already made up her mind, but wanted a cheer squad and for others to blame her child for reacting in an entirely foreseeable manner.

She can do what she wants of course. To be honest, I just don't like the manipulative way the OP has tried to paint herself as the good guy in the piece. Now she knows how most people will see her behaviour.

You can't steal what is already yours.

HTH

Ok. So why wouldn't you propose to you daughter that to the 15k that she has x% of the property. It's her money and her gains. It would suit both preferences and also doesn't mean just taking money that to all intent and purposes was her's?

She could lend you the money for an interest in the property.

It’s not stealing. It’s parenting.

I'm amazed how many people haven't read your original post properly. Perhaps your headline calling the money your DD's trust fund is misleading?

If it was her trust fund I'd say you were being massively unreasonable, but it's your inheritance that you pledged to her in good faith before circumstances changed.

While you understandably don't want to sour things with your DD, your need for a roof over your head surely trumps her desire to spend the bulk of 30k travelling - surely she can have just as awesome an experience on 15k or less?

I spent a year traveling in my early 20s and spent far less than that, picking up work along the way and staying in hostels. Like you said, she's due to inherit considerably more in the not so distant future, so it's not like you're robbing her of a lifetime opportuity. If she's mature enough to go travelling, she's mature enough to accept that life is about compromise.

Hmm, projection is always something you find on mumsnet, perhaps you are indeed a selfish demanding little madam.

Impossible to tell of course, just as it is completely impossible to make such an assumption about the 19 year old based on a biased post by a woman who wants to be told she is morally right when doing the morally wrong thing.

You know you have lost the argument when you start calling total strangers names and clearly you have your own issues, so I will just stick to the facts I stated.

If you're sick of posting shit, just stop commenting and reading - that's a nice easy fix :)

My previous comments stand. That's it. That's how it is.

If that was indeed the choice, OP would not be in the wrong. But it's not. The choice is - buy the nicer house that OP wants or buy the cheaper house that OP can better afford.

Telling your 19 year old you are taking the money you promised her, and that's that, is not a compromise. Of course OP can legally do it, and of course her child was going to react badly.

She could have sat her down and discussed it with her, explained the situation, asked for her understanding. But if she had done that, OP ran the risk of her daughter refusing, so it's a done deal, regardless.

I think that's what bothers me the most about this thread. It's not that the OP is doing it - it's that she wants to be told it's a good thing to break a cast iron promise to her daughter, take half the money promised to her and tell her to suck it up.

This is what I think. I wouldn’t accept this from my 10yo. He wants to get into a competitive sport, when he moans about training I ask does he still want to try out? He says yes, I say no you don’t if you don’t want to train. And he goes to training. If he said he wants the nicer house but doesn’t want to use money for it I’d laugh and tell him to pick one because that’s life.