To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

Ok then, you should do that.

I bet you’re really fun at parties.

If DD is 19 and an adult, then surely you can sit her down and have an honest and frank discussion with her. She can’t have it both ways - a nicer house AND the money to go travelling on. What is her suggestion you should do?

Too late. She has already chosen to take the money away from her daughter that she promised her, and her daughter has naturally not responded well to that broken promise.

Don't make promises you are not sure you can keep is the moral of this tale. As well as - when you break a cast iron promise to your kid don't expect them to roll over and be pleased.

The average has been about 10%… these aren’t the specific years the OP had the money, but the results are likely not that far off.

Source: www.investopedia.com/articles/personal-finance/022216/put-10000-sp-500-etf-and-wait-20-years.asp#:~:text=The%20most%20recent%2020%2Dyear,longest%20bull%20run%20on%20record.

Despite these unprecedented events, the S&P 500 still managed to generate a total annual return of 8.06% with reinvested dividends. The total return over this period was 409.13%, which means that a $10,000 investment made at the beginning of 2001 would have been $50,913.05 by the end of 2021.

I bet you don't have any sort of rebuttal.

Tbh op I think you need to sit down with your dd and lay out the options. And you only really need to do this because you've told her to expect this which probably wasn't wise. But retrospect is 20/20.

A) you take 15k out of the money you'd mentally been planning to allocate her in order to house you both somewhere you both want to be in a house and area you both like.

B) you look at other areas and reduce your budget and stop looking at things you can't afford with what you currently have. Dd gets her money but doesn't like where she lives.

C) you and dd no longer live together and you find what suits you and she houses herself.

D) you take out a loan and dd pays you rent and utilities which you use to cover the repayments. You could look at taking on a lodger for similar.

I think you also both need to consider how long your dd is realistically going to be living with you for if she's 19 now. If she moved out and you're on your own would this house still make sense and be affordable? Would you even stay in that area or would you move altogether?

I'm also wondering if there's any legal ramifications - presumably this money was ring fenced during your divorce because it was to go to your DD? As you get older could it become harder or more expensive to leave/gift her money? If you become ill and need care that money could disappear altogether.

I'm by no means an expert so you might be wise speaking to a solicitor / financial advisor as to the best ways to spend this. Could your dd be named on the deeds of the house for example to protect her 'share' which is being invested in the house? That to me makes me sense as it's still hers, it's invested sensibly, provides her security and she'll get it back at some point?

Is it wise to make a financial commitment that will mean you have no choice but to work well past retirement age or do you need to be more pragmatic.

Obviously you've both been through the wringer and I have sympathy for you but it sounds like your dd unfortunately needs to grow up a bit and you both need to be a little more realistic about what you can afford and maybe look further afield.

Right back at ya

The responses are emotionally manipulative whether you see it or not.

I don't think a lien will.

So tell her the options you have -

A) Tell her to suck it up living in the cheap area because that's all you can afford

B) Get a one bedroom place for you in a slightly nicer area (so it's more affordable). She can go globe trotting but when she comes back she'll have to find her own place to live.

C) She agrees to help you with this so she gets a roof in a nice area over her head, now and when she gets back. 30 thousand is a LOT of money and if all she wants right now is a year long globe trot, surely she isn't going to spend the lot?! You work out paying her back but you aren't hit with the kind of fees credit cards or loans will put on you.

You are invested in trying to shut down questions and opinions you don't agree with, whether you see it or not.

.

In this situation, I can't imagine not giving my mother the money.

morse code? I don’t understand “e”

When posters I am not saying you is telling the op you will lose contact with your daughter if you take it. That's emotional manipulation. The op and her daughter are looking for somewhere to live she needs to grow up.

Have you paid tax on the interest on the money in the deposit account?

Y

I think it's past this point now, when the OP is trying so hard to paint her daughter as being in the wrong for having an entirely forseeable reaction to her mother's broken promises, you know that OP has made up her mind and just wants other people to tell her she's right.

Meh. We reap what we sow.

Take it! She will need a nice home to live in and can get more money from others dying. She doesnt understand the value of money - you have failed to teach her that sadly - and her not offering all of it to you is also quite sad as its going to be her home too. Take it. Give her an official stake in it maybe to make her feel grown up? And formalise leaving it to her and her siblings if any in your will.

Then if it hasn't been given to her yet, it's not her money. Spend it how you will op.

If it was in a CTF you wouldn’t be able to touch it

As it is it’s in your bank account so it’s all yours anyway

Why on earth you told your DD is beyond me

I genuinely don't see the issue here.

I'm older than your daughter and my mum has promised me money towards IVF treatment later this year. That money is in her bank account currently - it may be promised in a human way, but not in a legal way. If she were to have her circumstances change like yours have I would be understanding, and accept the money was promised under a very different reality. My mother's money is her own, even the amount she has ringfenced for me - I would never take money from her that she needed towards a new home. Id want her to use ALL the money if she found herself divorced and needing to buy a home - if she was still generous enough and able to offer me half the original promised amount I'd be extremely greatful.

I'm sure your daughter is a little disappointed but she should get a grip and realise that most 19 year olds would think themselves very blessed to receive 15k. Lots receive nothing at all. Perhaps you should remind her how lucky she is to have thousands coming her way.

I am honestly astounded at her attitude. I know she's young, but it's astonishingly selfish to want to see your mother struggle so you can blow 30k travelling.

I can only assume when she grows up she will look back on this episode with shame.

No, it's just advice based on what they know themselves happens in real life, based on real life events.

I didn't say she would lose contact with her - but she might. I do know that this will not be forgotten and will colour their relationship for years to come. I know OP handled it badly and she had a moral duty to keep her promise to her child, or to sit her down and discuss it with her before making up her mind not to do so.

Knowing these facts and stating them is not manipulation, it's offering wisdom based on experience.

You are, however, trying to manipulate others into not making comments you disagree with.

_ . ?(Dash dot dash dash) ☹️ MN doesn’t like code

Are you unwell? You’re making less and less sense.

Oh! This is your way of being clever.

Maybe you should stick to the topic and add something besides gibberish