To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

Lessons here for all parents. I have money set aside for my children that was gifted to me by my father (for me!). But no way in hell my children will know a thing about it until a) I am sure it's for something sensible and which will support their security and well being long term and b) until such time as I can be sure I am secure in my ability to support myself, especially if my circumstances change. Seems like neither criteria were fulfilled here and there is no way most 19 year olds would have the sense to handle this well.

Look, you made up your mind you were taking your daughter's money, regardless. You hoped you would get a cheer squad, and some are indeed cheering you on. Of course legally you can do it, but you've already received your answer - you should have asked her, not instructed her that you intended to steal the money you had promised her. All the legalities in the world don't change the fact that morally you are indeed stealing her money.

You should have said "I can afford this house if I dip into your promised funds, or this one if I don't. I'd love you to understand and help me" but you didn't. And you even tried to blame her for your decision to buy the house you prefer.

She's 19, and she will not forget this. Technicalities and legalities aren't the issue at all. You are entitled legally to take her money, you are not entitled morally to do so regardless of justifications.

But you already know what you're going to do, so maybe just do it.

Thanks for the more full picture.

I still think it’s very risky to buy the more expensive house and to plan working past typical retirement age. I really would reevaluate the other areas.

But if you think it’s doable then you just need to answer your own question about what this could potentially do to your relationship with your daughter. Right, wrong, or indifferent it will have an impact if she doesn’t willingly ’give up’ the money. (I say willingly because even though it’s yours legally she perceives it as hers based on what you’ve told her). That’s something that nobody here can really answer.

This is a sensible comment.

That's why I will never post another question again on Mumsnet it's like a playground none of the advice is wise. You would give advice that could potentially harm that person. You don't live their life you and your family are nice and cosy.

And yet we’re also not allowed to ask questions 🙄

It’s your inheritance in your name and you need it to provide a home . So use it and explain to DD that as she knows circumstances have changed and a house is the priority- she is still very lucky to get £15K !

In that case it is still your money and you can use it. But telling DD it was going to be hers and calling it her Trust Fund completely explains why she thinks of it like that. At the very least you need to apologise for giving her false expectations and explain how gutted you are to be taking back that money that you wanted her to have.

Triggering much?

It was never the DD's money. So there is no "moral stealing".

I know what is in my parents will as they told me, and my sister. But Dsis and I are both well aware that we may get nothing. Care costs, remarrying by a surviving spouse, spending it on cruises etc. The money has been promised to us, does that mean my parents spending it on holidays is them stealing (morally if not legally!) from us?

It's not in her daughter's name.

I see nothing of the playground in the response on this thread. Not sure what you mean about the advice not being wise - don't you really mean you don't agree with it? Posters are not responsible for an OP taking or not taking their advice and in this case the OP posted in AIBU and asked for opinions so that's on them.
You make unwarranted assumptions about the home life of @thelakeisle.

I think it's a mistake to keep calling it a trust fund. It's your savings account from which you have promised DD $30,000.

She's not going to need $30,000 for travelling. She doesn't need all $30,000 in one go.

Explain to her that your options are to buy a two-bed house that DD can live in, in an area she likes if you use the $15,000 now, or you will have to buy a one-bed place just for you and she can have her whole $30,000 but she will need to get herself a place of her own to rent etc.

If she goes with the $15,000 for the house then she owns a $15,000 share in the house, but that you will also look to saving up and 'buying her out' over the next couple of years, so that she can have the $15,000 back in cash if she needs it.

She asked you a question and you assumed she couldn't afford it. 15k, bank account in ops name and pissed off daughter that's all I need to know. I am not going to invest myself in a strangers life. She has a financial advisor for that who is advising her. She is buying a property.

YABU. You can’t give your child money for her future, talk about it with her all her life- reinforcing it’s hers, then decide to dip in!!!!!

What if you’d have put this money into gold jewellery for her, would you be selling some rings and a couple of necklaces, taken out of her Jewellery box?

You need to apologise to dd and you need to look for new homes even if you end up moving miles away. If dd chooses to ‘invest’ in a new home with you that’s different but I’m sure she will get it in writing so you can’t sell from under her feet the way you are going to take £15k from her.

I am not going to invest myself in a strangers life.

🤣 And yet here you are arguing with randoms on the internet about it

ETA… I still don’t think she can afford it. The comments by the OP support that position

I first thought you were being unreasonable taking your dds money, but then you said she doesn't want to live in the cheaper areas which is why her money would help that.
But it's not her money, it was given to you and it's saved in your name. You said you were giving it to your dd, so I would honour that.
I would speak to her, I know she isn't talking to you right now, and explain about the money, where it came from etc and how yes you have saved it for her future. So she can have that money for her future and she doesn't get a say in where you live. Or she could allow the money to be used towards a new home in an area she is happy with, as are you, and the in the future if you resell, or remortgage to be able to give her that amount, then she can have the money you promised for her.

YUB somewhat U as its your money in your name. but you shouldn't have told your DD that it was her money.

I take it that by posting this

DF’s wishes were that any inheritance money would be split equally amongst my siblings and I. I just decided to put it away in trust for DD.

You mean your share of the inheritance?

Also please stop saying that you put it in trust for your DD as this is a specific term that you haven't done and its why you are getting the responses that you are getting.

Someone who can't afford a home any other way?

The problem is that the DD doesnt want to live in a home that the OP can afford without the 15k. So what is the solution?

DD refuses to live in X
OP cant afford to live anywhere else without that 15k

So what happens?

Seems like the DD wants to live in a nice house in a nice area all on her mothers money, and have 30k to spunk up the wall travelling.

Then carrying on as you are you got your answer. She can afford it.

Everyone should take the time to read OP's posts before complaining about AI!

Has the £30k accrued much interest?

No thanks, I may have more questions later.

And ya know…others may be reading this and start to ask questions about their own finances before a large life-altering purchase or life changing event. Or maybe the OP might have a question for me… you just never know what’s going to happen in threads.

You can quit replying to me at any point and ignore me.

It's not her money but point is correct. Tripled is unlikely my 3 kids child trust funds only doubled in similar time frame. Perhaps if she played the market and was lucky.

Thank you for letting me know I am glad you feel comfortable telling me that. I feel a real connection with you now. ❤️