To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

Yes, if the OP had explained it to her and asked her, I daresay the daughter might have felt differently. And if not, then yes her daughter would have been being unreasonable.

However, she basically said "I'm stealing your money, k?" There is not a 19 year old alive who wouldn't hate this, some would react by crying, begging, or just being stoic, or in this case telling her mother how she feels. But none would think it was fair.

The OP handled this very badly indeed.

It is "read the full thread"

It’s not the daughter’s money. The money was never given to her.

If you had really put the money in trust your dd would have been legally protected.

Even as it is, I don't think it's fair to help yourself to money intended for your dd's future.

It must be very difficult to be starting again, but what would you have done if you couldn't freely take your dd's money? I'm not surprised she's upset.

Oh...

Nobody is entitled to be given tens of thousands of pounds. It was only ever a privilege. Yes, it sucks to have it withdrawn but she was never entitled to it.

I'm finding hard to understand why, with £90k for a deposit and a salary of £55k, you can't afford a house without taking £15k from money promised to your daughter.

I can get credit cards and loans - I just don’t want any more! Retirement wise I do have a good private pension however it wouldn’t fund the mortgage repayments, hence I’ve had to legally declare that I am happy to work past retirement age.

It’s 15k. If you can’t muster up 15k to finish the purchase on the house then I would say you can’t afford this house.

I have been there. Bought houses with nothing left but a few hundred pounds. But I was young. I didn’t have children. And I wasn’t 50.

I am sorry OP. It’s a bad decision regardless of the situation with the trust fund.

No t's not it's read the ," fucking " thread meant to said in an exasperated way.

And assuming dad isn't giving her £30k.

I wouldn't give a 19 year old £30K so she can spend it on travelling. Education, yes, house deposit, yes. Beach in Bali, no.

It's far too much money for a teenager to get her hands on.
Use the money to get the house you both want and don't feel guilty. Few working adults have £30K to spend on whatever they want.

Because house prices have gone batshit crazy. Anywhere under £200k where we are is in awful condition and/or in a bad area.

Dad isn’t in the picture.

The money is in the ops name. There is nothing illegal going on. She needs to house herself or else they will both be homeless. Are you a financial advisor if not you have no right. She has said she can buy the house with the 15 grand extra on top. The op asked one question I don't know why because most of the replies are unhelpful and manipulative.

Everyone is entitled to expect their mother to keep the cast iron promise that was made to them years ago. Just because her daughter cannot legally enforce the promise her mother made and her mother has chosen to steal her daughter's money (morally if not legally) and cannot be prevented from doing so, does not in any way make it right. But you already know this, as does the OP, and she is legally entitled to spoil her relationship with her daughter if she so chooses.

If she wants the house she has to act quickly it's a buyers market at the moment. Do you think it's wise mother and daughter being homeless together.

I already said moral if not legal, so your comment is moot from start to finish. She asked for advice, she got it, and anyone can ask any question at all, so that's that.

I think moving to a less desirable home is preferable to taking your dc's money!

I dont think your being unreasonable. The money was left to YOU not you dd by your late father. Out of the goodness of your heart you set it aside for her hoping it would make her life easier however you have found yourself in an unprecedented situation now with no home and needing to use some of this money to get back on track. Something I believe your late father would have wanted it to be used for to help and support you which will in turn help DD. The mistake you made here was essentially telling her and promising her and now she's kicking off. As you said its in a savings account in ur name. Ur money. Shes very lucky i dont know amy 19 year olds who are promised 30k to land on their laps I certainly wasn't and you said you only need 15 so she can have the other 15k. Her attitude stinks to be honest rather than being grateful for getting any help at all shes moaning shes not getting the full 30k when it wasn't even legally her inheritance. Sounds a bit entitled no harm. If she wants to go travelling tell her to get a job like the rest of us

So if you're looking at a £200k house and thinking of putting an extra £15k into the deposit it's going to make a difference of around £100pm on the mortgage. Sorry, but if it's THAT tight that an extra £100pm is going to mean financial ruin, you can't afford it.

I dont think your being unreasonable. The money was left to YOU not you dd by your late father. Out of the goodness of your heart you set it aside for her hoping it would make her life easier however you have found yourself in an unprecedented situation now with no home and needing to use some of this money to get back on track. Something I believe your late father would have wanted it to be used for to help and support you which will in turn help DD. The mistake you made here was essentially telling her and promising her and now she's kicking off. As you said its in a savings account in ur name. Ur money. Shes very lucky i dont know amy 19 year olds who are promised 30k to land on their laps I certainly wasn't and you said you only need 15 so she can have the other 15k. Her attitude stinks to be honest rather than being grateful for getting any help at all shes moaning shes not getting the full 30k when it wasn't even legally her inheritance. Sounds a bit entitled no harm. If she wants to go travelling tell her to get a job like the rest of us

I think you should look at the trust fund money as untouchable and something else will come up eventually. The relationship and keeping promises to your DD is more valuable.

You can’t morally just take your DDs money - it is hers as you have told her so openely. You can ask her though. Maybe ask her to loan it to you at zero percent interest so you can buy the house you both want?

"My mum was going to give me £30k and my granny is going to give me even more. But now I'm only getting £15k from my mum because she had an unexpected messy divorce and needs somewhere to live. She's such a bitch!"