To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

She will learn the hard way if she does that. She's a big girl and can get a job. I have noticed on Mumsnet some of you seems to find hard work a challenging concept especially for young people.

I seriously hope you have received legal advice on this because ordinarily property can absolutely be held in trust for the benefit of minors- and a family home for them to grow up in would ordinarily be an uncontroversial use of inheritance to their benefit.

£5 a week? Are you having a laff mate?
The OP wants to take £15,000 of her daughter's money. At £5 a week, she would take 57 YEARS to pay it all back!

She hasent given it yet though ,yes she's promised it but life circumstances have changed

I think you are in the wrong here. Just assuming you could take it when it was promised to her is wrong. What you should have done, and do now, as others have said, is have a conversation with her as an adult. The only way to get this house is to draw on that money. You can talk through options together- could you pay her back over time, give her a small share in the house, go with an alternative house. But be clear you only resorted to this because you are in a very different situation and you recognise you wrre wrong to not discuss it with her, as you should jointly agree on the way forward.

Incidentally I think it's a terrible idea to give a 19 ,year old £30k, I haven't met a single one that wouldn't blow it within a year and probably later regret it.

I don't think anyone else thought you did it for tax reasons, some people can be a bit mean on here I feel.

It is difficult as it was your money to start with, but you did put it away for her and tell her she would be getting it this year. I expect she can't see past that yet and is upset because she already has ideas of what she would like to do with it. I guess if it hadn't been put into trust for your daughter, it is unlikely it would be anywhere near the amount it is worth now so maybe there's an agreement to be made somewhere?

It's a horrible situation you've found yourself in and it must be very hard being at loggerheads with your DD at a time when you need support. Do you think she would listen if you it to her and tried to come to an agreement. I'm sure you've tried to talk to her already, but I hope you get through to her. Maybe letting her know you understand her feelings, but also letting her genuinely know how very hard this is for you right now and how much you need her support and understanding on this.

I don't think there's a wrong or right way in the situation you're in, it's a horrible and difficult time for you and your daughter. Good luck with it.

Op said nothing about uni she wants to spend it on travelling the world and pissing it down the drain.

It's not her daughter, s money it's the Ops savings which she promised to her daughter

It's not survival- it's just preferred home in preferred location. Many of us "survive" just fine in homes with neither of those things.

a 19 year old definitely does not need £30k and i think it’s pretty silly to give one £30k. But it’s not about that. It’s about keeping your word, showing you can be trusted and respecting your relationship with your child. The OP promised her daughter that money. And unilaterally TOLD her she was taking it away just when she was about to receive it.

I am not sure why so many posters don’t see how damaging this will be, regardless of the wisdom (or not) of promising it in the first place.

I agree and I think some of the responses are pretty harsh because it’s not actually a trust fund in the true sense, your thread title is misleading. If it were I do think it would be different as it would be legally ring fenced. Morally you’re on a bit of a sticky wicket though as your daughter has been anticipating it- in hindsight I think you’d have been better not telling her about the money until you were in a position to gift it.

Behave

I’m always shocked when I see children act entitled about their prospective inheritances but if nothing else, this thread is showing how common the feeling of entitlement is.

Yikes.

This is not a trust fund. The money is not in trust and not in her name. This is your money you hoped to use to fund her university. Use it as you wish.

It is not her Daugters inheritance, she has no legal right to the money, maybe morally.
OP like many parents hoped for DD to access the full amount, things change.
Additionally OP can rent a room to her to reduce the loan amount, I'd include utility bills too, it'll be paid back in 10 years.

You should’ve never told her about the money.
how much money will she be left if you
proceed with the house?

Just me or is this a dumpster fire all around?

where to start…

• leaving this money in a savings account all these years
• Trying to buy a house at the top of the budget
• telling the daughter about this money
• CC debt on top of trying to buy a house at the top of the budget
• the DD dictating where the new house is

@BlueFlamingo55 you are in no position to buy this house! I’m sure it’s a lovely house in a nice area, but that doesn’t mean that you can afford it. Find something you like in your budget and buy that. Your DD doesn’t get any say in the matter unless she’s contributing.

Please also spend a little time learning about personal finances as the time to fail in personal finances is when you’re young and have time to recover…not at 50.

It's still her money and that's your choice like it's the ops choice on what to do with the money she inherited from her dead father.

Absolutely agree with this. This mother is trying to sort out a house for her and her daughter to live in, the daughter needs to understand that. She needs to understand that sometimes circumstances change and we all have to make sacrifices sometimes in our lives.
Poster of this thread yes you should use your daughters trust fund and don’t feel bad about trying your best to provide a home for you both.

Wish you all the best with this.

Having read your posts… are you sure that you can actually afford this house even with the £15k?

With the change in interest rates over the past few years and propel suddenly having large repayments that they can’t afford - how would you fare in this new house if it happened to you? Will you have any savings left or will this deplete everything?

The money is yours yes, but you promised it to your daughter. To go back on that huge promise to her is not cool. Especially so late in the day when she was due to receive it. That being said £15k is a lot of money still. What is it that she can’t do with £15k? Why does she need £30k? Could you give her the £15k and then support her financially over the next few years to make up the rest if you need to loan it from the fund?

Have you explained to her the financial situation about the house? Does she understand that you can’t get that house without the money?

Your circumstances are tricky. It would have been ideal if you had never told her about the money. Because having never known about the £30k she still probably would have been extremely grateful for £15k. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. But I don’t think this is going to go down well at all.

RTFT, the OP said it was for Uni, first car, and DD house deposit.

Later on, after the poll wasn’t going her way, OP conveniently then implied the DD might spend it on gap year travelling.

Shit happens in life and sometimes things don’t go to plan. I think your daughter needs to learn this.

I would just say without the 15K you have no choice but to move to the other area. If she wants the house in the nicer area, she will need to loan you the money - after all, is she not set to inherit from you?

Bloody hell. Do people really live like this?
Why on earth did you promise money like that?
I could afford to give my DC more than £30k each, but would I?? Absolutely not.
They work hard for what they have.
DH and I will help them when they are older and wiser and won't waste it "travelling", like entitled princesses.

Your problem on MN is the thread title. If you had said "AIBU to use savings I had hoped to give to DD to buy us a home after a divorce" then it wouldnt have had the pile on.

The problem with your DD is that she is a demanding little madam who I suspect has never had a HARD NO in her life. She wants the nice house in the nice area but doesnt want to make the financial sacrifice to get that, well there is a life lesson if ever she needs it. Tell her ok. Tell her that you will be moving to the shit area she hates on your dollar and all the decisions going forward are yours as you are paying for them.

She wants a seat at the decision making table? She ponies up and pays for it.

Someone I know got 30 months in prison for taking money from her ds trust fund. She took £48k from the trust fund created when her ex took his own life.