To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

Can you stop?

Where does it say she kept hers? That's completely irrelevant to the thread anyway. She wants to buy a house she can't really afford with the money she promised to her adult daughter. She can do it, legally. It's her money. But she'll need to be prepared for the fallout.

If I were the daughter, I'd accept it. There's no way I would beg my mother for money that she had decided not to give, but I would also not trust or rely on her for anything again. And I would live somewhere else.

It's pretty funny how on other threads people go on about how 16 year olds are mature enough to get the vote, but here apparently 19 year olds aren't mature enough to be able to appreciate what their parents have done for them and help them out if it becomes necessary in a time of crisis.

I mean, it's not unexpected behaviour to me. Teenagers are teenagers. But a hell of a lot of them aren't actually that mature these days.

No she doesn't its her money she can do what she wants with it.

Why not? She can open a LISA and put £4k in every year from the £30k.
Some can be used for Uni living costs- the maintenance loan often doesn’t even cover accommodation.

It is a mistake to promise children large sums of money. Take her to visit two or three houses you can afford that aren’t good enough for her and tell her she’s being a brat, and you are shocked, and explain the reduced financial support you are going to provide from here on just so you can buy a house she hates if you aren’t using that money. Do not tell her it’s her choice. Say it’s my choice and I regret telling her, I’m thinking about the house choice now and I do not want to hear another word of criticism of any of them from you - nothing but it will be fine mum, I know you’re working really hard.

(how much financial support is she getting anyway? That inheritance money would clearly be blown on travel by her,)

No she doesn't its her money she can do what she wants with it.

option 4 - 2-bed flat in the area the daughter likes? surely that would be affordable if the OP only needs £15k more to afford a house in that area.

I can't believe you are even asking this @BlueFlamingo55 YABVVVU! Of course you can't take her bloody trust fund money!

I’m going to assume people coming at OP have never been in her position and can talk all high and mighty.

OP, until it’s in her name it’s your money. You’re not snatching it away to transfer to some Egyptian hunk you just met, you’re using it towards a property that presumably will become hers anyways one day.

She can’t not want you to take the money while also having opinions about where you buy property. Unless she wants to move out and then you downsize wherever you see fit?

I can't say I'd be happy when I was 19, I would have been self-centered.

I'd feel awful for causing upset years later, as an adult knowing how distressing lack of money can be.

I would take it as a loan if necessary, tell her you'll repay at £5 a week.

It is going to cause tension anyway, when she blows up travelling.

I have a much smaller amount of savings for DD. I wouldn't want her to spend it travelling.

Tell her she can stay in a hostel and eat noodles.

I can see why some children cut their parents off if you behave like this.

she is not a brat. Her mother promised her this money. End of story.

She spoilt her daughter with promises. She doesn't understand the value of money or respect it, and how far it can stretch. Op didn't help her.

It's still her money as its in an account in HER name she hasent given it to her daughter yet.

Quoting you for those who might have missed OP's posts to give some context.

I won’t rush to judge OP.

OP, it’s a good idea to have a thoughtful conversation with your daughter about your intentions and take it from there.

Shit happens though and life doesn't go the way we think it will.

No need to swear at @prh47bridge, a very gentle, polite, helpful solicitor who has been kindly helping Mumsnetters for years. He gave me excellent, accurate pointers a few years ago when I posted under a different username that helped me out of a right pickle to do with my father's will .

It was the OP who used the word "trust fund" in the thread title and repeatedly afterwards. I wonder if the DD can claim some sort of trust has been created anyway if the OP has used this term this way and DD has relied on that.

Absolutely. No wonder there’s so many entitled young adults around when so many here think this kid is entitled to 30k to waste on a gap year when her mother is struggling to put a roof over her head post divorce. I’d be furious if any of my kids acted like this. A home to live in trumps a gap year, sorry but yes it’s a bit shit she’s only getting 15k now, but her mum didn’t envisage this curve ball. I can’t believe one poster suggested the mother should rent so this girl can get her 30k. Wow. Raised a nation of entitled brats who kick off where they want to live, but then kick off when they find out their gap year fund has halved. The money would have been far better given at 25 anyway when most young people have matured.

I’d be having a serious conversation about how disappointed you are that your young person doesn't seem to care about her mother’s future over her own selfish desire for an indulgent gap year.

I’d want to buy the cheaper house to make a point and let her go and waste the money. When she’s back and realises that back in the real world she’s got no hope of moving out before 30, she might wish she took the 15k and lived in a nicer area and nicer house.

Too late now, but as you'd obviously shared the amount in the account with her you should have asked her if you could use it.

Ultimately you just never should have told her what was actually in the account until you handed it over, then she would have been chuffed with her 15k.

I'd apologise to her but explain the situation about how you can't get the nice house if she won't allow you to use that money. If she still won't agree then I guess I'd go for the lesser properties but start charging her rent.

Too late now, but as you'd obviously shared the amount in the account with her you should have asked her if you could use it.

Ultimately you just never should have told her what was actually in the account until you handed it over, then she would have been chuffed with her 15k.

I'd apologise to her but explain the situation about how you can't get the nice house if she won't allow you to use that money. If she still won't agree then I guess I'd go for the lesser properties but start charging her rent.

It is not your money, it is your daughter's.

No but the OP also isn’t on the breadline.

Like a 19 year old needs 30k! She can't stay where she is can she? And she is trying to house her daughter as well as herself.

Exactly. You don’t give someone a gift and then snatch it back because it suits you to.

What are you 5?
You promised!!

Her mother doesn't want to go gallivanting on a cruise and piss the cash up the wall....she wants to house them using her own money which she optimistically / stupidly thought would be surplus to requirements and she cpuld treat her beloved child to. But its not surplus.

Her brat of a child (agree with @Falseknock Here ) has no concept of money or its value amd is handing money she hasn't earned to actually piss the money up the wall travelling

If there was ever a cautionary tale of not maki g promises or putting money in fucking JISAs this is it