Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

565 replies

HannahXsanderson · 21/07/2025 06:55

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 21/07/2025 08:08

You have put yourself in a very vulnerable position. He can ask you to leave at any point ... tomorrow, in 5 years, in 25 years. You will have nothing. You need a plan to be financially independant - now, not in 3 years.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/07/2025 08:09

ZepZep · 21/07/2025 08:07

By the way there is no chance on earth that any Mumsnetters would suggest a woman who owns a house put a partner on the deeds if the relationship is a ‘bit rocky’ even if the partner was a SAHparent.

You carefully omitted the key detail that in this case there is a shared child and that he is the one wanting her to stay home and have more children whilst the OP wanted to return to work.

Frankly she should run a mile from this prince.

UpDo · 21/07/2025 08:09

ZepZep · 21/07/2025 08:07

By the way there is no chance on earth that any Mumsnetters would suggest a woman who owns a house put a partner on the deeds if the relationship is a ‘bit rocky’ even if the partner was a SAHparent.

A woman who was the sole earner, guilted her male partner into not working and had him using his savings to manage on would have her arse handed to her.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 21/07/2025 08:09

HannahXsanderson · 21/07/2025 07:30

I’d be happy to go back to work, but my partner feels our 2 year old is to young for nursery. I did a couple of shifts when my maternity ended but he didn’t like me going to work and would create an atmosphere about it. The ups and downs in our relationship have been to do with the in-laws not necessarily us.

He can’t have it both ways. If he “doesn’t want you to work” then he needs to provide you with money to live on and financial security.
Also, why is it his choice whether you work or not - it’s yours!
He sounds incredibly controlling and this could be considered financial abuse. Don’t have more children with him or you will be even more trapped and vulnerable.
Tell him you WANT to go back to work, especially as he’s not giving you any money other than paying the bills, and he doesn’t get to choose whether that happens - you do.

U53rName · 21/07/2025 08:09

Bit late for that now, OP. You’re in a situation where you’re in an unmarried partnership where he won’t marry you, won’t let you work, and won’t put your name on any assets. You’re up shit creek if he leaves you. What’s your next move?

U53rName · 21/07/2025 08:09

Bit late for that now, OP. You’re in a situation where you’re in an unmarried partnership where he won’t marry you, won’t let you work, and won’t put your name on any assets. You’re up shit creek if he leaves you. What’s your next move?

thepariscrimefiles · 21/07/2025 08:10

Sdpbody · 21/07/2025 07:38

Guys, don’t worry, after her second child, she will leave her boyfriend and will head to the council for her new house.

Take your right-wing clap-trap elsewhere.

UpDo · 21/07/2025 08:10

MushMonster · 21/07/2025 08:02

Regarding you returning to work, just do it. He cannot decide. It will give you stability in case anything goes wrong. And then... you can be on the mortgage and the deeds.

Yes, get a job and arrange the childcare. It's not up to him. He's evidently not funding you to be at home anyway, if you're using your savings, so he doesn't have control.

NewsdeskJC · 21/07/2025 08:10

Well the first thing to do is take out life assurance on him yourself. The second thing to do is to take stock. Look into going back to work and nursery.
You need to strengthen your position. He does not seem to be a man of his word. You don't have to agree to move into a bigger place either.

Tiswa · 21/07/2025 08:11

HannahXsanderson · 21/07/2025 07:30

I’d be happy to go back to work, but my partner feels our 2 year old is to young for nursery. I did a couple of shifts when my maternity ended but he didn’t like me going to work and would create an atmosphere about it. The ups and downs in our relationship have been to do with the in-laws not necessarily us.

so he is controlling he is the problem not your inlaws

you can stay like this I think you need to set out

(a) you are going back to work he cannot both complain about not contributing and not allowing you to work
(b) no more children without marriage
(c)if marriage doesn’t happen soon you are leaving
(d) he needs to change his will and life insurance

and leave if he doesnt

PollyBell · 21/07/2025 08:11

So women moves her baby daddy in then he complains he is not on the deeds mn would say get hin on there wuixk smart? Really?

Goldenbear · 21/07/2025 08:11

ZepZep · 21/07/2025 08:07

By the way there is no chance on earth that any Mumsnetters would suggest a woman who owns a house put a partner on the deeds if the relationship is a ‘bit rocky’ even if the partner was a SAHparent.

Yes but are there many Mumsnetters who are Mum's with a SAHP who their insist stays at home as the child is too young at 2 to go to nursery- I wouldn't think many, in fact I would imagine that would be a zero.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 21/07/2025 08:13

PollyBell · 21/07/2025 08:11

So women moves her baby daddy in then he complains he is not on the deeds mn would say get hin on there wuixk smart? Really?

Would the woman in that situation have all the money and control?

frozendaisy · 21/07/2025 08:13

Go back to work
and refuse to move into another house without being married or on the deeds

you need to be as stubborn as him

he is presently amassing all the assets without having to pay childcare and you have depleted your savings and all you have (which is a lot but doesn’t pay the bills) is a child

so go back to work
say he has to pay 50% and do 50% drop offs and pick ups

your career break is small it’s easier to go back now

you would just be protecting yourself financially like he is

Soulfulunfurling · 21/07/2025 08:14

I hope you can see what an awful position he is putting you in op. He is positioning himself to be very controlling of you - this is very unhealthy

He won’t let you work
He won’t support you to be secure financially
He won’t offer you marriage despite having a child together

You have used up your nest egg just surviving the last few years. You are very vulnerable.

I hope you are listening. You have a chance to turn this around, but you will need to be assertive and strategic. You can not afford to be fluffy or emotional. He is being cold blooded with his choices, you need to do the same.

Goldenbear · 21/07/2025 08:15

You absolutely need to go back to work as he is proven himself not to be dependable, to be controlling and he doesn't really sound like he loves you.

NeverOneBiscuit · 21/07/2025 08:15

He’s set things up nicely for himself, hasn’t he? Where’s the risk for him in all of this? If your relationship ends he stays in his home, keeps working & owes you nothing. He doesn’t appear to see you as his family so child maintenance will be like getting blood out of a stone.

Nothing in what you’ve written suggests he cares for your short or long term happiness & security. He sounds cold, controlling, arrogant & selfish. Why on earth would you marry or stay with a man like this? As others have said, do not have more children with him. I’d be job hunting & planning my exit.

Kisskiss · 21/07/2025 08:16

So ok , he bought the house, but you e been his free nanny cook and cleaner for two years. Tell him he owes you 1k x24 months in lieu of paying for nursery fees which would have been 2k a month..
don’t have more kids with him if his attitude doesn’t change, you’ll be stuck and home with the kids for 5-6 more years and when you renter the workforce you’ll find your skills have become outdated.
Think it’s ultinatum time.. if he won’t put u on the deeds, either go back to work now or leave him

Soulfulunfurling · 21/07/2025 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PollyBell · 21/07/2025 08:18

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 21/07/2025 08:13

Would the woman in that situation have all the money and control?

Show quote history

No idea logic would ensure both partners are financially independent of the other

Ansjovis · 21/07/2025 08:19

Real men form partnerships with the mothers of their children, both emotional and legal in the form of marriage. This has multiple benefits in that it is the strongest way to raise the child and also allows the mother to devote her time in her child's early years knowing that she is protected. Real men don't have to be begged to do this, they just do it because they know it makes sense.

You have neither an emotional or a legal partnership here. It sounds like this man feels you should be grateful to him that he allows you to be in his space. You need to make a decision - do you get tough with him knowing that any concessions you receive will not have been freely given or do you cut your losses and move towards independence? Either way you need to do something. If you have a daughter she will learn that this is what she should expect to receive from her partner and if you have a son he will learn that this is how he should treat his partner. Far better to be raised by a strong single mother than a subservient one. How dare he treat you like this? You deserve much better.

SmashingCupOfChar · 21/07/2025 08:19

He’s not that committed to you, the mother of his child. You are in a vulnerable position. Get yourself back to work and he will need to pay / contribute for childcare.

Poopeepoopee · 21/07/2025 08:19

Damnloginpopup · 21/07/2025 07:03

I wouldn't put anyone on the deeds of a house I bought.

This. You'd be crazy to!

BBQmuncher · 21/07/2025 08:19

what on earth were you thinking to give up your job without being married. you realise that you will be entitled to precisely nothing in the event of a separation?

And what does it mean he doesn't want you to work until DC turns 3? Do you need his permission to work? if he wants his child to be looked after at home, then he should do it.

There are just so many red flags. Please get a full time job and protect yourself.

And please educational yourself about your rights (or lack of) in the current situation!

MumWifeOther · 21/07/2025 08:20

I mean it’s too late now but this should have been sorted out before you had a baby.

At this point you’ve got no choice but to go back to work so that you have contribute to house and have your name on the deeds. If he refuses, you really haven’t got much choice other than to end the relationship.

Give him an ultimatum