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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

565 replies

HannahXsanderson · 21/07/2025 06:55

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

OP posts:
BoudiccaRuled · 21/07/2025 08:20

I'll be amazed if he marries you.

deeahgwitch · 21/07/2025 08:20

Theeyeballsinthesky · 21/07/2025 07:03

so you

  • live in his house
  • dont Work
  • entirely financially dependent on him
  • aren't married
  • and he wants more children?
for the love of god do not have more children with him!

youre taking all the risks here. Go back to work, stop being so dependent on him. I'd say get married as that legal contract would be the best protection but I expect you'll never actually buy that bigger house and get married as he says. He's a future faker

you need to put yourself and your child first because he certainly won't

Sadly this @HannahXsanderson

MrsKeats · 21/07/2025 08:20

Why are women still doing this? There are a million other threads on this. Why have you made yourself so ridiculously vulnerable op?

user4287964265 · 21/07/2025 08:21

This is why, unless you have substantial assets of your own you should get married before you have kids.

Coconutter24 · 21/07/2025 08:22

user1476613140 · 21/07/2025 07:37

Getting married will make it easier. Unless she plans to leave then she should make plans for that instead...

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The point is it’s not up to her it’s up to the person already on the deeds

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 21/07/2025 08:22

MumWifeOther · 21/07/2025 08:20

I mean it’s too late now but this should have been sorted out before you had a baby.

At this point you’ve got no choice but to go back to work so that you have contribute to house and have your name on the deeds. If he refuses, you really haven’t got much choice other than to end the relationship.

Give him an ultimatum

I’m not sure an ultimatum is the best idea considering he could end the relationship today and OP would be homeless and penniless.

I find these threads so bloody depressing - why do so many women give up their jobs and make themselves entirely dependent on a man? 😩

saraclara · 21/07/2025 08:23

You say that he refuses to update his will @HannahXsanderson . What would happen to you and your DC if your partner died tomorrow? Who are the beneficiaries of his present will?

Coconutter24 · 21/07/2025 08:23

Dozer · 21/07/2025 07:37

@Coconutter24 for as long as her boyfriend wishes to pay and could stop at any time.

Then she needs to make her own financial situation better by going to work and they’d have to come to some arrangement.

Coconutter24 · 21/07/2025 08:24

Tandora · 21/07/2025 07:44

Ok , no , you’re right. Not free. He paying her something likely well below minimum wage with no employment rights.

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So then if she doesn’t like it she has to take control and do something about it

4forksache · 21/07/2025 08:25

Get yourself on the deeds and on any new mortgage. I think you should agree that he can ring fence any deposit/equity in the house that was there before the baby was born, but any increase since then you should have an equal share in.
You are contributing equally to the relationship, just not financially at the moment.
You shouldn’t have had to use your savings at all, if he didn’t want you to work. His pension will also be looked after whilst your private pension is nothing. I hope at least you have been receiving child benefit so that your National insurance contributions have been automatically paid for you - for a state pension in the future.

He can’t have his cake and eat it.

Goldenbear · 21/07/2025 08:25

I didn't marry DH until our DC were both here so I was a SAHM to our children unmarried. It is a bit different as I was quite a high earner prior to our first child being born and we bought a place together with quite a big mortgage due to my earnings. We had DS quite young and my DH, partner at the time was still qualifying to be an Architect so no massive income. However, I was a SAHM unmarried for a long time and my DH wouldn't have dreamed of not putting me on the deeds of the house we moved to when I still was a SAHM, he also transferred some NI earnings for the state pension. He's pretty old fashioned though in that he absolutely thinks he should be providing for his children's security, he's very driven and proud about that. He wouldn't dream of thinking about his exit plan and how he could screw me over as he loved me, the Mother of his children! I earn good money now so more of a level playing field but even now that doesn't really matter to him.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/07/2025 08:26

PollyBell · 21/07/2025 08:11

So women moves her baby daddy in then he complains he is not on the deeds mn would say get hin on there wuixk smart? Really?

Once again the menz brigade cherry pick the points and leave out the most salient.

The baby daddy won’t have taken the maternity hit or any of the future planned maternity hits. The clue is in the name. Statistically paternity brings a career benefit, maternity brings a career hit to lifetime pay and pension.

As per pp - any woman posting on here that she expected a male partner to stay home and provide free housekeeping and childcare but not to put any financial protections in place for him would have their arse handed to them.

Coconutter24 · 21/07/2025 08:26

Worriedmum67 · 21/07/2025 07:44

If the relationship is so rocky why he wants a second child??

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How do you know he wants a second child because the op hasn’t said that on here

edited to add op is the one in a vulnerable position here so the question would be why would she want another child? (But no one has said they do)

Frostiesflakes · 21/07/2025 08:26

The time for you to be giving ultimatums was before you had a baby and gave up work

I highly doubt that he won’t ever put you on the deeds or get married

he knows exactly what this means financially for him and he isn’t going to do

i also think that he won’t pay 50 percent of child care

he will say you chose to go back to work so you can pay for it and arrange it

he will also probably refuse to do any drop offs and pick up or take days off if your child is ill

his anwser will be well you can stay at home as we agreed

men like him don’t like it when there little robot stars to malfunction and develop a brain of their own

WaltzingWaters · 21/07/2025 08:27

So he didn’t want you to work until your child is older, but he’s not been sharing his money besides paying for the absolute essentials, and so you e used up your savings whilst caring for his child and cleaning his house for him, cooking his meals. He’s a dickhead and if he’s not prepared to share his wages properly he absolutely doesn’t get to tell you that you shouldn’t go back to work! (I mean, he doesn’t get to decide that either way, but even more reason!).

needtostopnamechanging · 21/07/2025 08:27

Go back to work
save everything you can
get out

a “bit rocky” with a dash of no commitment on his side and something like financial control - because as soon as you don’t work you are trapped

skippy67 · 21/07/2025 08:28

I don't blame him.

PoppyFleur · 21/07/2025 08:28

I voted YABU because I can’t believe you voluntarily put yourself in to such a financially vulnerable position. You are not equals in this relationship; he dictates your work situation and you do as he requests just to keep the peace.

You need to regain your independence and have some direct conversations about how you both see the next 3-5 years panning out. Sadly I think you may need to build up a fund ready for if your relationship ends and how you will manage as a single parent.

MrsKeats · 21/07/2025 08:30

Poopeepoopee · 21/07/2025 08:19

This. You'd be crazy to!

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If you get married it’s a shared asset anyway.

UpDo · 21/07/2025 08:31

skippy67 · 21/07/2025 08:28

I don't blame him.

For guilt tripping OP out of working, or for providing so poorly from his good wage that she's ended up using her own savings? This prince has done quite a few things here, so it's important to be clear what it is we approve of.

Frostiesflakes · 21/07/2025 08:32

The fact that he refuses to update his will says it all really
he would prefer someone else - his mum dad sister anyone but you and his own flesh and blood inheriting from him if he died

he’s told you exactly where you and your baby stand as far as he is concerned

you would be an idiot if you didn’t listen to this and take action

he likes you at home as his unpaid bang maid
as you make his life easier

BountifulPantry · 21/07/2025 08:34

FortheloveofCheesus · 21/07/2025 08:00

  1. do not have a kid with someone who hasn't married you unless you jointly own all major assets
  2. do not stop work for a man who hasn't married you/if you have no assets.

All you have done is provided free live in childcare/housekeeper services to this man.

Or if you out earn and have more assets.

Very sexist to assume the woman has worse career, worse pension, less savings and less financial stability overall.

ZepZep · 21/07/2025 08:36

The OP has said the relationship is rocky. I don’t believe a single person would advise the guy to put the OP on the deeds in these circumstances. He would be stupid to do that. The OP chose to have a baby with him and she’s chosen not to work. If he’s abusive then she needs to leave.

EllasNonny · 21/07/2025 08:36

Why would he? This comes up time and time again on MN. Marriage is not just a piece of paper and your financial position is precarious at best, unmarried and a SAHP. He could make you and DC homeless tomorrow and you'd have the same rights as a lodger.
Go back to work full-time yesterday. He does not have your best interests at heart. I think it's time we educate our DC on this matter.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 21/07/2025 08:37

skippy67 · 21/07/2025 08:28

I don't blame him.

Can you explain why it’s ok for him to expect the mother of his child to stay at home and raise his child for three years, refusing to “let her” work and providing nothing to her except a place to live (for as long as he chooses). Meanwhile she has no money for herself so her savings have dwindled, no pension and no assets because she’s not allowed to contribute anything other than (24/7) unpaid labour.