Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

If I had busted my backside buying a house on my own in tbis day and age I would not add a partner of 5 years to it. Absolutely no way. Start contributing financially / buy your own place
.he doesn't sound great but you are unreasonable to demand that

Get a job
Get married
Don’t have a 2nd child until you are confident about the relationship

If there's an age difference then he may have an advantage to having bought a house before OP....not everything is straightforward.

He can’t have it all his way.

He doesn’t want you to work and doesn’t want you to be on the deeds.

What do you want??
Do you want to work?

Can I ask why you had a child with this man? You had known him for three years and so should've had a reasonably good idea regaeding his values (or lack of)?

Then go back to work.

He doesn't get to make all the decisions about your life and your financial security.

He's the Father of her child, did you purposely miss that massive piece of information out to make your argument appear more acceptable? He should want to have a stable environment, where the Mum is a an equal and is out on the house deeds of a new house or he should actually mean it if he states he wants to marry the OP. He won't though as that will actually involve him taking responsibility!

what do you mean the relationship is a bit rocky OP?

That’s crucial. If the relationship has been going really badly then… to be honest it might be sensible not to put you on the deeds.

It depends. Does putting your name down as owner make the mortgage more expensive or difficult? If so, then a will, you as his beneficiary on the life insurance may be better.
If you are buying cash, then yes, your name should be in the deeds.

How old are you? Because naive, younger me would see this as a “omg! I’m ✨ the one ✨” but present day me would see this as a red flag and a man not ready for commitment - much less the life changing decision of having a child together.

Right but presumably she did so because she thought they were a partnership? (A reasonable assumption given the relationship and the procreation and all…) She’s now discovering he doesn’t feel the same way.

1. do not have a kid with someone who hasn't married you unless you jointly own all major assets
2. do not stop work for a man who hasn't married you/if you have no assets.

All you have done is provided free live in childcare/housekeeper services to this man.

OP what is your line of work? How easy would it be for you to find a job?

If you really want to, he cannot stop you. But you would need to work out childcare logistics and finances.

Are you able to assert yourself generally in the relationship? How much agency do you have?

Are you listening to what everyone is saying and advising? This is serious.

OP you are obviously young enough to ensure your life doesn't pan out to be trapped and beholden to him and his whimsical nature, you need to restart work.

Regarding you returning to work, just do it. He cannot decide. It will give you stability in case anything goes wrong. And then... you can be on the mortgage and the deeds.

So he’s controlling and financially abusive? I’ll bet the minute your 2 year old turns three he’ll start making noises about having another baby, because he’ll want you at home for another 3 years, cooking and cleaning for him. You are financially insecure and he could kick you out on the street tomorrow if he felt like it. He’s not interested in making you feel secure so you can safely assume he doesn’t see this relationship going the distance.

He can't justify refusing to give you any financial security at the same time as telling you that you can't go back to work. He sounds awful, financially abusive and controlling.

A two year old isn't too young for nursery. Go back to work and if he doesn't want to put his child in nursery, he can be a stay at home dad.

Don't have any more children with him.

Who will his life insurance go to if he won't put you on it?

If I was the one with the house I wouldn’t put someone else on the deeds but if I were the partner of the person with the house I’d want my name on the deeds. If you have a slightly less than perfect relationship I’d deffinitly not want your name on the deeds. Another reason would be if his parents helped him buy the house. He may want to protect his ‘family’ money.
I think you have been foolish not working. You are saying it’s his choice but it’s up to you whether you work or not. Was the baby actually planned?
So many couple have babies without sorting all of this type of stuff out.

My adult kids all own properties and I’d advise them not to put other people on their deeds (if they asked me). If the relationship is long term and stable then the partner gets to live in the house. Not having your name on the deeds is only relevent if you split up and if you split up then he obviously wouldn’t want you to have the house.

He doesn't like the two year old going to nursery because why would he? He has to pay for that, whereas he can get you to do it for free. Given he isn't sharing the ownership of the house he'd have to pay for it himself anyway. So for the price of feeding her he gets childcare/sex/housekeeping for free.

Run a MILE op.

If he's not marrying you? He's just not that into you.

Women are always told not to put men on the deeds of a house they own in here so it should work both ways

He doesn’t get to dictate your life and you are contributing your labour.

Go back to work at tell him he needs to pull his weight on the nursery runs, the sick days and the housework. If he doesn’t want to do that then he needs to accept joint finances, put you on the deeds and ensure you and the child are protected in the event of anything happening to him.

But in your position I’d be back at work like a shot and planning life as a single parent, definitely not more children with him. He has made it plain how little he values you, don’t expect that to change. Consider how you want to spend the next 30 years of your life - you will have more security in your life and for your child if you look after yourself.

Your partner is a twat. I'd be making preparations to leave.

By the way there is no chance on earth that any Mumsnetters would suggest a woman who owns a house put a partner on the deeds if the relationship is a ‘bit rocky’ even if the partner was a SAHparent.

By the way there is no chance on earth that any Mumsnetters would suggest a woman who owns a house put a partner on the deeds if the relationship is a ‘bit rocky’ even if the partner was a SAHparent.