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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

565 replies

HannahXsanderson · 21/07/2025 06:55

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

OP posts:
Dozer · 21/07/2025 07:00

YABU for having got into this situation.

You’re not married and don’t have high personal wealth so a break from full time work wasn’t sensible.

His behaviour seems clear that retaining his personal assets and money is his priority. He also sounds sexist. For me, without immediate marriage and change of attitudes, the relationship would be over.

Spirallingdownwards · 21/07/2025 07:00

Too late now but that is why you should consider marriage before children if you want the financial protection that time off to have children brings. I would go back to work ensuring that he contributes to his child's childcare costs to ensure you make yourself financially independent and secure.

Damnloginpopup · 21/07/2025 07:03

I wouldn't put anyone on the deeds of a house I bought.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 21/07/2025 07:03

so you

  • live in his house
  • dont Work
  • entirely financially dependent on him
  • aren't married
  • and he wants more children?
for the love of god do not have more children with him!

youre taking all the risks here. Go back to work, stop being so dependent on him. I'd say get married as that legal contract would be the best protection but I expect you'll never actually buy that bigger house and get married as he says. He's a future faker

you need to put yourself and your child first because he certainly won't

Worriedmum67 · 21/07/2025 07:04

he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.

You are totally contributing! You know how much are you both saving by not sending your child to childcare before 3 years old? I'm sure you are cleaning, cooking and organising day to day tasks/life.

Your partner is a scumbag, he wants free cleaner, free childcare, free sex and then after few years he will kick you out and you'll have nothing, you'll be homeless.. tell him or you are on the deeds or you break up.

Lafufufu · 21/07/2025 07:04

I mean the horse has bolted. You are in a poor financial position...

I wouldn't be having another child unless I was married

for now I would be looking to get back in work FT ASAP.
he can "not like it" but he either needs to give you financial security as you can be sahm or you need to get it yourself ie paid employment.
He cant eat his cake and have it.

Make sure childcare costs are split proportional to net take home pay and when you go FT make sure you over pay into your pension (you should put in at least half your age as a percentage eg 15% at 30)

You will need this security as right now you have no claim on / right to anything beyond cms if it goes tits up

MsDDxx · 21/07/2025 07:04

You’re not working. If a mortgage is required the decision will be out of your hands anyway, most likely (although not always).

I’m married and the bank still wanted to go through my statements despite my husband earning a high wage and the LTV ratio being low.

Also, just because he doesn’t want you to work doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You’re not married, you should not have left employment as you have no protection, as well as no right to remain in the property AT ALL.

Tiredjusttired · 21/07/2025 07:08

It does sound as if you are financially vulnerable. Here’s my interpretation of your situation:

You are unmarried, so have no rights should you split up.
You have no independent income, as you are looking after the toddler.
You have been using up your savings to ‘cover’ your time at home with said toddler.
You have no assets of your own.

Based on the above, this isn’t a partnership. A partnership recognises contributions of all kinds, including your contribution: providing unpaid childcare, sacrificing your career, supporting him to continue his career and build up his pension, raising his child.

What have you had to use your savings for? If covering your ‘half’ of the bills, I think this is unfair on you.

bluecurtains14 · 21/07/2025 07:10

Oh dear. You've given up work with no property in your name and no safety-net of marriage or a civil partnership. That was a mad thing to do. Sit him down for a chat, tell him you're going back to work as soon as possible and that half the childcare is for him to pay, and he'll have to cover half of the last minute days off work because child is ill, nursery pickup and dropoff etc. Or of course that he could show his commitment to you as a family by rapidly getting married/having a civil partnership, in which case your return to work could be more gradual. But get back to work for your future security as this man isn't a keeper. Never make yourself this vulnerable again @HannahXsanderson

Tiredjusttired · 21/07/2025 07:11

Lafufufu · 21/07/2025 07:04

I mean the horse has bolted. You are in a poor financial position...

I wouldn't be having another child unless I was married

for now I would be looking to get back in work FT ASAP.
he can "not like it" but he either needs to give you financial security as you can be sahm or you need to get it yourself ie paid employment.
He cant eat his cake and have it.

Make sure childcare costs are split proportional to net take home pay and when you go FT make sure you over pay into your pension (you should put in at least half your age as a percentage eg 15% at 30)

You will need this security as right now you have no claim on / right to anything beyond cms if it goes tits up

Edited

I agree with all of this except the ‘split childcare costs’. We all know, based on what the OP said, that she’ll be expected to cover 100% of the childcare costs while covering half the bills.

Velvian · 21/07/2025 07:12

Get yourself back to work @HannahXsanderson and start building some savings to buy your own property.

Did you give your DC your name? I would get your name added if you did not.

I think your only leverage currently is saying that you won't move.

bluecurtains14 · 21/07/2025 07:13

Tiredjusttired · 21/07/2025 07:11

I agree with all of this except the ‘split childcare costs’. We all know, based on what the OP said, that she’ll be expected to cover 100% of the childcare costs while covering half the bills.

Show quote history

Then she needs to be leaving and claiming CMS. This is the time to stand up to her horrible partner. And clearly, make sure that contraception is watertight.

pourmeadrinkpls · 21/07/2025 07:15

Worriedmum67 · 21/07/2025 07:04

he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.

You are totally contributing! You know how much are you both saving by not sending your child to childcare before 3 years old? I'm sure you are cleaning, cooking and organising day to day tasks/life.

Your partner is a scumbag, he wants free cleaner, free childcare, free sex and then after few years he will kick you out and you'll have nothing, you'll be homeless.. tell him or you are on the deeds or you break up.

This. You are raising his child. Do not have another child with this pig.

Robin67 · 21/07/2025 07:15

Personally, I would not have a child with a man who won't marry me, and then give up all my financial independence.

Personally, I also would not put someone on the deeds of my house, that I bought before the relationship, and then who made no financial contribution to our lives.

However, he can't then dictate that you are not allowed to go back to work until your child is 3.

Once he is dead, what does he care? At least his child should be the benefactor of the will and life insurance policy. Even if he doesn't want you to benefit for some reason.

He sounds like a controlling tool. Don't have any more kids with him until he marries you. You don't need a big fancy ceremony, just a certificate. If he won't do this, this year, then you need an exit strategy.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 21/07/2025 07:17

Im a bit on the fence with this...its a 5 year relationship which op has admitted is rocky....there is no way in hell i would add someone to the deeds of my house in those circumstances.

Whaleandsnail6 · 21/07/2025 07:18

Theeyeballsinthesky · 21/07/2025 07:03

so you

  • live in his house
  • dont Work
  • entirely financially dependent on him
  • aren't married
  • and he wants more children?
for the love of god do not have more children with him!

youre taking all the risks here. Go back to work, stop being so dependent on him. I'd say get married as that legal contract would be the best protection but I expect you'll never actually buy that bigger house and get married as he says. He's a future faker

you need to put yourself and your child first because he certainly won't

This!

You are putting yourself in a risky financial position.

He doesn't see you as equal. Do not have anymore children with him and start looking for a job to enable your own financial security

Minnie798 · 21/07/2025 07:20

You mention your partner not wanting you to work until your lo is 3 and at funded nursery. Is that what you want, are you happy with the arrangement because he doesn't get to solely decide that you won't work. Having a sahp is a joint decision. How long has he owned the house prior to you moving in?
I wouldn't be moving to a new house with him right now . At the very least, I'd be waiting until I was back in work. Then you can jointly
buy and financially contribute to the new house and he can ring fence whatever money he brings.
It's difficult to jump straight to him being unreasonable because we don't know his situation. Perhaps he had a previous divorce ( they can make people very cautious) , was gifted money for the house and he wants to protect it etc etc. A woman in his situation would be told to protect her assets, I'm sure.

ocelot3 · 21/07/2025 07:24

bluecurtains14 · 21/07/2025 07:10

Oh dear. You've given up work with no property in your name and no safety-net of marriage or a civil partnership. That was a mad thing to do. Sit him down for a chat, tell him you're going back to work as soon as possible and that half the childcare is for him to pay, and he'll have to cover half of the last minute days off work because child is ill, nursery pickup and dropoff etc. Or of course that he could show his commitment to you as a family by rapidly getting married/having a civil partnership, in which case your return to work could be more gradual. But get back to work for your future security as this man isn't a keeper. Never make yourself this vulnerable again @HannahXsanderson

Edited

This. And please don’t weaken to any of his nonsensical arguments when they inevitably start and think ‘it will be ok’ - and agree to having another child’. The situation is not a good one for you and it’s crucial not to make it worse. I’m sorry that this has happened but now it’s important to strengthen your position for your future and that of your child’s.

SpicyMarge98 · 21/07/2025 07:24

I voted YABU because you've got yourself into a bad situation and now you need to decide what to do next.
Your "partner" doesn't see it as a partnership. You have absolutely no legal rights to get put on the deeds of the house. It will be his house, he's keen to protect that and himself obviously.
He "says" he wants to get married- do you believe thats the case? Or is it something that won't actually happen?

Your too financially vulnerable at the minute and echo PP, get a job. Stop doing the wifework. Build your savings and pension anf protect yourself

Original poster
HannahXsanderson · 21/07/2025 07:25

Minnie798 · 21/07/2025 07:20

You mention your partner not wanting you to work until your lo is 3 and at funded nursery. Is that what you want, are you happy with the arrangement because he doesn't get to solely decide that you won't work. Having a sahp is a joint decision. How long has he owned the house prior to you moving in?
I wouldn't be moving to a new house with him right now . At the very least, I'd be waiting until I was back in work. Then you can jointly
buy and financially contribute to the new house and he can ring fence whatever money he brings.
It's difficult to jump straight to him being unreasonable because we don't know his situation. Perhaps he had a previous divorce ( they can make people very cautious) , was gifted money for the house and he wants to protect it etc etc. A woman in his situation would be told to protect her assets, I'm sure.

He has never lived with a previous partner nor a long term relationship before me 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Dozer · 21/07/2025 07:26

Posters saying you wouldn’t add a partner to deeds etc presumably also wouldn’t ask your partner to quit paid work for several years and be financially dependent on you, with you having the option to end this and ask them to leave your property with no or little notice.

bluecurtains14 · 21/07/2025 07:27

HannahXsanderson · 21/07/2025 07:25

He has never lived with a previous partner nor a long term relationship before me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Gosh, I wonder why this prince of a man couldn't find a woman to live with him and have his kids. I can't imagine............

ExhaustedElephant · 21/07/2025 07:27

What would happen if you split up now? A scary situation for you.

You are v financially vulnerable. You need to think about going back to work. You say he doesn’t want you to work yet. Do you?

PurpleFlower1983 · 21/07/2025 07:28

Get yourself a job and/or get married. You have put yourself in a very risky position with a man who doesn’t consider you his equal.

SpicyMarge98 · 21/07/2025 07:29

Your right @Dozer I wouldn't ask thay of my partner, but just because someone asks it doesn't mean the op needed to do it. They could have stood firm at the start and said were getting married if im going to be a SAHP, like now. Booked the wedding. Or could have said no im not giving up my job, sort out childcare. Ultimately marriage is a legal process amd its not right for everyone and neither is giving over half your house to someone, he doesn't value her contribution of childcare so he can bloody well pay for it via nursery and pp can go back to work