Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

I would argue that it’s not free - as he’s providing her with a roof over her head, all her bills are paid and food in her stomach.

This is why you don’t give up your career to stay at home in a house that you don’t own with a man who hasn’t married you.

If he feels that strongly about it, he can give up work and look after his child.

Guys, don’t worry, after her second child, she will leave her boyfriend and will head to the council for her new house.

You would be foolish not to go back to work as soon as you can. You are sailing towards a disaster. He’s laid his cards on the table, you need to respond to that.

Yes, it might be nice to have a stay at home mother and wife but not balanced against when your child is eight and you can’t house her or pay for anything that she needs because you’ve been hoodwinked.

Personally at this point I would just tell him that you can't trust you have future financial security as not on the house/married so you will be looking for a new job/career. 2 year old is fine to be in nursery. Even if you just start work part time . You need to get back into the workforce asap OP.

This would be a deal breaker for me.
you are in a long term relationship and have a child together. I would expect to jointly own any property and wills, pensions, insurances etc should be set up to support each other in the event of death.
You would be best to get a job and access funded childcare and save for yours and your child’s future. You are currently very financially vulnerable, you have no property, no direct access to money. Do you get child benefit? If not your NI isn’t being covered for your state pension. Do you have a private pension?
If your ‘d’p decided you were no longer worthy of his funding you would have no house and no money.
I would not move to another property that didn’t have my name on it. And bollocks you are not contributing you are providing childcare and presumably house cleaning/admin that enables your partner to work without dealing with any of that.

OP in this situation then ‘he leaves you no choice’. My worry here is that you are focused on what ‘he says’ rather than what is best for you, your own future and by default the future of your child. I think you now have to say - ‘I’m sorry you feel that way but we have two choices here. Either we marry and decide together on secure future for us both or I act as an independent adult, both for me and DC, and return to work.’ And keep to those as the options. Your words above sound like you may easily manipulated and he has been able to use that. To be honest, even getting married but not working seems like a risk to me particularly if you already recognise that the relationship is a bit rocky.

The horse hasn’t bolted but you need to be very strong or you risk poverty in later life.

Arrange a couple of hours of childcare for your baby and sit your DP down and present three alternatives.

1. You are a team, and are getting married. He can rely on the backup of a wife doing his childcare and going back to work when you both feel it works best for your future. Under this scenario, you choose a date for your wedding
2. You are unmarried and both need to earn for your future, but both of you share a child. You return to full-time work asap and both of you share childcare costs. Under this scenario you must save for a pension and a housing deposit fund
3. You split up, and he plans for 50:50 parenting

He will, obviously, rant and rave as he has all of the benefit and none of the responsibilities at the moment. But just take a look around these boards at women whose now-ex-partner didn’t want the “piece of paper” and how utterly screwed they are when the relationship breaks down 15 years later. Good luck.

He is using you op.

You are providing him with a child, childcare, housework and sex.

He doesn’t actually want to pay for any of this. Or offer marriage. Get your ducks firmly in a row whilst you have this window of opportunity.

Research and get back into full time work. It’s not just your income and savings but pension too - he pays for the childcare and bills.

Once you are in a stronger position, he either offers the deeds or marriage or you leave for someone that can love and commit to you.

That would be my plan. I would not standby and let him take years of your life and sacrifice for another minute.

Ok , no , you’re right. Not free. He paying her something likely well below minimum wage with no employment rights.

If the relationship is so rocky why he wants a second child??

You are not contributing in monetary value but staying at home looking after your child, is saving childcare costs! You are most likely taking on the bulk of the household chores/parenting too. So no, you aren't giving him money, but your contribution is just as valuable. Unfortunately, I don't see a man who is looking to marry, buy a bigger home or combine finances. I see a man who wants his finances completely separate from you, whilst he has a live-in/unpaid nanny, housekeeper, chef and regular sex. There is zero incentive for him to marry you or join your finances. His assets and money are his priority, not you or your child. You are extremely vulnerable, you have no legal rights at all. His only financial obligation is to his child, not you. Do not have another child, this will keep you at home, not earning even longer. You need to go back to work FT asap, so that you are not so financially vulnerable. Make sure he contributes half towards any childcare costs too, as it's not just your responsibility. He may not want you going back to work, but unless he's prepared to marry you now, then you don't have any option. If you split up, in your current situation, you will be homeless as well as penniless.

I would split up over this, it’s a messy situation.

What happens if you have another DC, he has a mid life crisis and you split in 15 or so years time?

If he won’t marry you or put you on the deeds I would move out and forge my own way with the child. He’ll have to pay child maintenance and you’ll get benefits until you are back on your feet.
No chance in hell that I would stay not married and no share in the house.

So all he has to do is create a bit of an atmosphere and you leave your job and set yourself (and your child) up for a lifetime of poverty?

It would appear this is what she has chosen, she could have refused.

What a dickhead comment.
And clearly you have no clue about social housing. I have a friend on the council house list. Her husband won’t leave, she has no where to go. Can’t work as she is a full time carer to a severely disabled child so can’t rent or save as he controls finances. She’s been told 2-5 years wait.
council houses aren’t just given away.

I moved in with DH as he owned his own property before we met...I fell pregnant very quickly and got married a few months before the eldest was born. I had no intention of getting married after children arrived. Be smart and know your rights especially for your DC.

Got 4DC, still happily married almost 20 years later. Know how to protect yourself OP. Be smart about it.

I was not interested in a romantic wedding, only a quick registry office wedding that took ten minutes. DH wanted the reception. So he got that.

Because if they break up he doesn’t lose out on anything - he still has a house, so it’s not a risk for him.

She didn’t have to put herself in this situation. It was a choice.

He sounds controlling and mean at best.

I actually think he's being financially abusive, you're living off your dwindling savings while he won't let you work yet won't give you any of your own money. He's benefiting from having you at home to do chores and childcare. Let me guess he goes out and you don't. Who pays for things for your DC?

He’s financially abusing you as well as being controlling and domineering.

he is not your boss.

you can go back to work and he needs to cover his share of childcare costs. It’s a shared parental expense.

do not have any more DC - if things are a bit rocky why consider having more DC with him?!

Tell him you have no security and therefore you need to return to work and build up a pension. If he doesnt want your child in nursery he'll need to stay home with them.

Dont have another child unless you do marry him - and think hard about whether you want to.

He's not unreasonable for keeping the house in his name but get married (not just a promise for the future but now) or get out.

Do you plan to marry each other?

Well this is why you are meant to get married before having children.