Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

He isn’t on your team op. He’s just setting things up how it works for him and you’re collateral damage.

This entirely
I feel for you OP. You are in a very vulnerable position.
Of course, you should be on the deeds.
The difficulty is that it will be near impossible to change your partner's mindset.
You have a child together, you are a family.
I hope you find the strength to make the right decision

we read it all the time on here,
Correction: those of us who read here often are aware of it. Some who have enough life experience (not the OP) and some who have family / friends who have been through it are aware of it. Not everyone does.

Housework should be split proportional to salaries?!
So if they both work a 35 hour week but one earns 30k and the other 60k, the lower earner does twice as much housework even though they’re both working outside the house for the same amount of time?
Better tell my husband to do some more cleaning then as right now we do the same amount around the house, but I earn more.

Oh come on, u certainly playing the victim, you agreed not to go back to work, so your choice, why should your name be put onmortgage, you have no job and your not married, if the roles where reversed there would uproar and male partner would be called a cocklodger.

She is not working because she is caring for THEIR child.
A cocklodger doesn't bear and provide primary care for a baby.

I should report this for sheer bullshit. Men are not called a cocklodgers on Mumsnet ever if they do all of the childcare. She doesn’t even just do all of the childcare here, she still funds herself too.

Complete and utter bullshit, not to mention very badly written.

Why is he not compensating you for the childcare you are providing? At the very least you should be paid a nanny's wage. If you are having to dip into your savings to live, then he is taking advantage of you. He's basically getting free full-time childcare and housekeeping at your expense!

@mylovedoesitgood But if that small portion ends up being huge, or the partial home owner has other assets that the spouse can go after as part of the settlement, it’s likely they’ll believe spending a lot of money on legal advice is worthwhile

The small portion will never be huge in this case though as we are only talking about first market entry properties which serve a dual purpose - market entry and fall back escape if ever needed.

@Juniperberry55 Surely if those family members already own a home, they will need at extra stamp duty as it won't be their primary residence and if there's a mortgage on the property wouldn't they need to be on the mortgage?
Also one of those family members could theoretically ask for their equity out of the house, it could be taken into consideration if they were to need care funded by the local authority, this seems risky

It’s a see-saw really with risk. Essentially, who do trust more, your immediate family or a pissed off spouse in the throes of divorce?

I gather it’s different here as we don’t pay extra stamp duty on additional residences. We pay extra land tax instead, however that’s only if the total of what you own goes over a certain value, so being on lots of ‘cheaper’ properties is no different to having one at a higher market price and then adding on. Also, you would have capital gains tax on a non-residential, but that’s only in the event of a sale, envisaged never to happen (that’s the whole point of keeping it in back pocket). I gather we have a different system.

Someone asking for equity out. Sure, could happen. If you want to piss your family off enough. Irrespective, even so, the upside of having numerous owners is in the event of this happening, with a small entry level property, it’s not much for the others left to kick in.

Re the care aspect, not relevant to DH or I (alternative pathway organised😁) and all the siblings have several decades to go until they get to that. At that point hopefully everyone who is partnered/married can’t be bothered with divorce at that age, and you can only plan to a point.

Forgot to add, yes, they all go on the mortgage as well. One person pays but they all use same bank and everyone has visibility to all loans/payments and we have some financial guru’s in the pack who track stuff with no effort, keep on top of equity spreadsheets etc. Apparently all easy, takes little work.

These threads are depressingly common. Unmarried couple have a baby, but are too busy to get married, or it's not important now, we'll do it another time, let's save up yah de yah de yah. COVID was a fantastically convenient reason for so many men.

If he won't marry you pre baby, he won't marry you post baby.

This shit needs to be taught in schools.

(since some young women clearly aren't learning it at home or haven't lived long enough to see the fall out from their parents yet)

The most ridiculous pontificating for not marrying the mother of children I've seen is "he is traditional and wants a big traditional wedding" (He is not traditional since he did the baby before the marriage 😂)

Can you have a conversation about this? Can you get all the facts together and explain how vulnerable you are currently? So if he wants you to stay at home with the baby it’s marriage, pension contributions and on the deeds.
If he doesn’t want that then it’s back to full time work. Plus a will that covers all eventualities and a lasting POA so that if he gets ill you get a say and not his parents.
Option 3 is separate, he pays child support or he has DC 50/50.
You’d be a fucking mug to let him have it all his own way.

However if the siblings will all own a share of each other's houses then they've not actually reduced their assets on paper and all the houses will be looked at in a divorce?

True, if you add it all up but it will make it a lot more difficult, will take a LOT more solicitors efforts and time and so the legal bill would be substantially increased to the point it will hopefully make someone uhhm and arhh about it. Again, it’s all a risk see-saw and a case of what’s more likely to go wrong, immediate family or a pissed off spouse in divorce. Anything can happen and you do the best you can, nothing is ever going to be foolproof.

@HannahXsandersonThis isn’t correct. You can still claim the child benefit but either opt not to receive the actual payment or the high earner pays it back as part of their annual tax return.

Have you ever taken any independent legal or financial advice? If not, you really should! Make an appointment to see a Family solicitor. You have left yourself in an extremely vulnerable position if the relationship were to fail in the future. As a “girlfriend”, he can kick you out at a whim.

Even if he won’t marry you or agree to a civil partnership, at the very least you should have a cohabitation agreement setting out your intentions regarding the ownership of the property. You should also gets your Wills done.

Was this a planned baby?

How long has he owned the house? How much is left to pay on mortgage?

I can see both sides. If he brought a large finical asset to the relationship such as a house and you came with no assets I do understand his reluctance

However since you are a sahp you need to talk to him about having savings in your own name and having money put into a pension

this ^

I tried to but wasn't sure of the grounds to use. Personal attack?

I'm not sure which country you're in. But if you did similar in England you'd be crazy and paying out ridiculous amounts of money and opening yourself up to unnecessarily risk. I don't think a mortgage company would accept a couple having 4 random family members on the mortgage either and they would all have to be financially assessed for affordability and liable for mortgage payments if the couple couldn't pay

Here I would say if you don't trust your partner, don't marry them. If you already own the house get a cohabitation agreement signed with a split showing who owns what. If buying a house together then you can specify the split then also. If you feel the need to marry them despite thinking they might take all your money, then get a prenup, the judge will take it into consideration although they may choose not to follow it completely.

Ah yes those classic male cocklodgers, paying for things out of their savings while the woman is telling him he's not allowed to work. Cooking, cleaning and raising their child.😂 I imagine quite a lot of women wouldn't mind one of those

You said he won’t update his life insurance and will - who gets his life insurance? What about the house?
I’d be more concerned about that than the deeds right now. Let’s face it, that’s no financial risk to him at, he’d be dead. All that does is ensure you and his child are secure in the event of his death - but he won’t even make that commitment? Why the hell not?! The deeds, ges clearly thinking about if you split up, but his will and life insurance… who is he looking out for in his death more than you and his child?! That’s the biggest concern in the whole situation to me - you both should be his world, but you’re not.

Go back to work, screw the atmosphere it may create. Otherwise you’re being controlled by someone who puts someone else (whoever gets his house and life insurance) above you and his child. You need to get financially independent again - quickly. This man is controlling you and doesn’t respect you.

I'm pretty sure you are. He'd have to pay it back though through self assessment. But you'd get your NI credits.

You ARE being unreasonable staying in this relationship. You need to get a job, take your child, and leave. You contribute to the household acting as a housewife, but you're not married and have little to no legal claim to things without the security of marriage. Your relationship is NOT good given that your partner says you are not contributing anything (just childcare and housekeeper care for his pathetic arse for free), he does NOT value you. Get out. Get away from him now and sue him for child support, child care costs, etc.

Go back to work and put DC in childcare. He will have to pay half of childcare and all DC clothes, activities etc. You can pay half of bills but not pay towards mortgage and build up your savings. You should protect yourself and your DC because he isn't looking after you. If you split up you'd be destitute.