Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

I can't believe 3/4 of the votes think you are reasonable. You are not married, it was his house and you willingly put yourself in a position of vulnerability by not working and having a child with no legal protections. Why do women still continue to put themselves in these situations voluntarily?

Yes but presumably then the partners role would also be reversed, he’d be the sole childcarer and have given up work to do so while the OP continued her career unimpeded.

Of course! He's protecting his assests. You've got yourself in quite a pickle.

Why do you feel the need to blame the woman here and not the man financially exploiting the woman? Why have a child with someone who will be left vulnerable as a result. If he didn’t want to share finances, why didn’t he find a partner who owned her own home and had a good income? Presumably she wouldn’t have been up for being a SAHM for three years though so that given some of the reason why.

Personally, I’d give him an ultimatum. Marriage or split up. You can work, claim top up benefits and child maintenance. When your little one is old enough work full time and buy your own place.

Well if he got married to you and your relationship ended he may well end up finding himself homeless for a house he'd actually paid for. So not actually that surprising he is reluctant given what could happen. Especially with the cost of property being what it is and the fact that you have already said your relationship might not be that stable.

OTOH there is probably a fairer balance between where you are at the moment financially and where you should actually be, and if he was reasonable then he should understand that.

Probably best to sort out the finances before having the child.

Yes every great marriage starts with an ultimatum 🙄

This is alarming. You need to sort it out before you're falling too far behind with your pension entitlements. Stop putting him first or you'll regret it forever.

It's not as simple as that thought is it. No one sets our to put themselves in these situations. It's like saying to someone why did you stay when they are in an abusive relationship it's not always as easy as just walking away.

Normally these situations grow over time, you don't wake up one day and decide to live that way.

You start a relationship, they say one say you'll be married, this seems reasonable, before you know it there is a child and now he's convinced you that he cares ever so much about that child that you should stay home and he will pay for this... Etc.

Before I was with my husband I was in a relationship with someone who before we bought out house together told me he wanted to marry me, we would have a child. The bills were all in my name and I paid them all. He contributed a small amount overall, and as his wages increased I didn't ask for anymore because we talked about him savings for our future. Was I naive, yes, but did I walk into that situation from day one, no, it grew over time.

Long story short he left,l for another women, luckily I managed to remortgage without him and buy him out. But it was hard because I had almost no savings as I had been paying for everything niavely on the basis he was the one with the savings for emergencies.

It's a form of emotional and financial abuse and it's easy to fall into without noticing until you are knees deep in it.

Maybe I look at what words people say in the literal sense and what he says about his future doesn’t actually include you

he said once we buy a house he wants to get married

For a start these words make no sense given you won’t be on the deeds to the house so there is no “We” (ie you and him) buying anything (the “We” sounds like he is referring to someone else, maybe his parents?)

He also says he wants to get married (but he doesn’t actually say to you) Especially when you say you want to get married but he makes excuses.

Listen carefully to what he says and don’t jump to the conclusion that these future plans include you

You need to either get a marriage certificate or your name on the deeds to the current property or you need to be prepared to walk away. But before you do get your ducks in a row

I voted Not being unreasonable to Am I expecting too much? because clearly there were discussions of some sort and you acted on what you thought were his intentions at the time.
"he said once we buy a house he wants to get married"
"doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3"
But he is now clearly not the least bit concerned about your situation or the DC situation going forward.
" refuses to update his will or life insurance policy"
I would be insisting on marriage ASAP, doesn't have to be a big flash wedding. If he won't, then there's a clear indication of what and how he thinks of you and DC.
A lot of the other $$ advice is probably accurate depending on where you are.

He won't even update his will or life insurance to make sure if he dies, his child and partner are cared for. Surely that is unreasonable of him and the fact he wants a second child, surely he should be thinking of their future
If he is the one who wants op to stay at home and birth his children then he needs to accept that this should come with providing financially if he is expecting her to sacrifice her financial stability for his wants. Even if he wasn't willing to give her 50% of the equity in his house, he could at least create a formal agreement where she is entitled to 50% of the equity that will be created following the birth of the children. E g if he had 40% equity now, he could create an agreement that the first 40% is ringing fenced and then the rest can be split 50/50

I am blaming her, yes, because she was the one who allowed herself to get in this situation. She could have said no to any of it at any time or not agreed to having a child and being a SAHM on terms that meant she was vulnerable. I'm not saying he hasn't been shitty, but if we don't look out for ourselves then you can't rely on anyone else doing it for you. This sort of situation is not new, we read it all the time on here, no-one can plead ignorance to the fact that having zero legal protection, a child and no job is not a good place to be!

Only you can judge your situation, but, as described, this raises a few red flags for me.

You seem to be describing a relationship where you have no access to family finances, or a share in the security of the (new) house, where you are not allowed to work, and you also seem to be being prevented from building a pension entitlement. Those are all at least suggestive of controlling/coercive behaviour.

In addition, your partner doesn't seem to recognise that childcare and homemaking are a valuable contribution to family life.

Doesn't this mean though an ex spouse can claim half of 33% of each of the 3 houses? Seems good in principle but feel like thats dangerous

No, it's not the same as an abusive relationship at all. Being loved up and romantic and believing the dream is all well and good but go in with your eyes wide open.

Like I said in another post, I'm not saying he isn't shitty, he clearly is quite selfish but that doesn't excuse not looking out for your own position before having a child and giving up work.

If he lost the house in the divorce he would be walking away with a bundle of money. Despite some people thinking they can lose everything in a divorce, it doesn’t work like that.

Judge wants to see that both parties are in a position to have a roof over their heads and have an income.

Yes I agree but what im saying is you are relying on him being a good honest person. Legal he doesn't need to do anything except pay child support. You have picked a good guy. OP is on the other side of the coin where she hasnt and she found out too late

In that case it sounds like you're just having a moan about OPs past decisions that she made based on his promises. I don't think that's super productive, OP can't return the child or go back in time and is in the situation she is as she trusted him. Surely it would be better to offer solutions than sit there telling her how stupid you think she was?
Also you seem to suggest this situation isn't abusive but if OP is being forced not to work and hasn't got any access to money, I would suggest it is actually financial abuse

Hello OP. I'm sorry your going through this. I'm in a very similar situation myself. My husband and I bought a house together before we were married, about three years ago. I wasn't put on the deed at the time as I was doing contract work. Since then we have had a daughter who is 20 months and we have got married.

We are buying a new house at the moment and I was worried my husband wouldn't want me on the deed as I am also not working and will stay at home with our daughter until she's three. However, because we're married it is sort of defacto that I am on the deed and would have caused issues with the mortgage if I hadn't been.

It's a tricky situation your in, and you have every right to be upset. Your sacrificing working to raise his child and you should be put on the deed to have financial security for you and your child if you were to break up. However, because your not married you don't have the protections you would have of you were married which puts you in a vulnerable situation.

If I were in this situation I would be very cross and to be honest I would probably threaten to leave. My argument would be that I am the mother of his child and if he doesn't want me on the deed then it's clear he's not committed to the relationship, so I'd be better off by myself claiming benefits and having child support, so I could support myself and not be reliant on someone who doesn't consider me to be a part of his family.

Honestly I would tell him I want to get married asap at a registry office so you can have the legal status and protections of a married couple because you are vulnerable as you are right now.

I don't know if that's helpful, all relationships are different but this would be a like in the sand for me.

Why doesn't he want you on the deed right? I would tell him he can have his big family house all to himself if thinks it's not yours anyway.

Tell me you didn’t study statistics without telling me you didn’t study statistics.

I don't know about a bundle of money if he lost the house. OP hasn't said anything about other assets he has. With property prices the way they are now, it's possible that after divorcing that he may not have a deposit for a house, let alone having the money to buy even a flat outright.

I'm not having a moan but am commenting on past decisions, yes. Hopefully, it's a warning to other women to ensure that they protect themselves. there is really not a lot the OP can do about anything now other than what people have already advised, ignore the partner, get a job and put the child in day care to get herself in a better financial position.

Problem with this is as the child buying the house is you would lose any first time buyer privileges and tax breaks and be beholden to other people knowing that they could legitimately move in at any time.

As a parent I teach my children to guard against this sort of family ruled marriage partner. They will never have a free life with their spouse.