Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

I agree that it is a ridiculous strategy which hugely overcomplicates things. I mean, families are often very complex, so what could possibly go wrong!?

DH and I are jointly on the deeds of all properties we own. I wouldn't want other family members involved. Far too much hassle and far to much potential for problems.

Deeds of Trust and covenants can be used to protect shares in a property. A decent solicitor would draw one up pretty quickly.

I assume the co-owners will be siblings rather than older family members? Because these part shares of houses will have to be declared on a social care financial assessment to determine care home fees, will form part of that person's estate, and may incur inheritance tax, and will have capital gains tax liability and possibly higher stamp duty liability.

If the part-owner goes bankrupt the house is at risk.

However if the siblings will all own a share of each other's houses then they've not actually reduced their assets on paper and all the houses will be looked at in a divorce?

It's a lot of risk.

Not many choices here, you need to get a job ASAP or get married.

This is something you need to discuss before you had a baby. Id plan your own financial future as if you on your own. Totally understand why he doesn't want you on the deeds he bought the house prior to you and he paying for it. I totally understand why you want to be on the deeds as financially you in a very difficult situation. You either need to get married or get a job asap. It's very rare for someone with one child not to work until 3.

Sadly he won't get married as if he wanted to be would have them

You may not gain anything finical from it but as you aren't working at all you need to claim it and let him pay it back. Otherwise you will lose out on your National insurance credits. Years out of the workplace can seriously effect your pension entitlement.

If he won't let you work or claim the he's being fincialy abusive. I would not have any more children with him unless he marries you. You've been left in a very vulnerable persition, does he give you any money to help raise his child or are you paying for all clothing etc?

My friend is 51, her DC are 16 and 13. She just split up with her partner. The house was in his name. She is entitled to nothing as they weren't legally married. She doesn't get any money at all. Her career completely stalled when she had the kids. (Although she did at least continue to work part-time but very badly paid/ junior roles) She is stuffed. She cannot even afford to rent a flat in her neighbourhood where all her friends and her kids lives are.

Get back to work, OP.

The best advice ever is that of never relying on anyone else for your financial security. So not on a partner, or a friend or even a spouse. Wills can be made to leave money to anyone, so even being married does not guarantee getting the house and the pension.

Have your own income, and your own bank account and your own cash savings in your own name. save into your own pension, and if you buy a house with someone, make sure you understand the difference between tenants in common and joint tenants.
Don’t marry if you are better off than him, or if he is rubbish with money.
Dont marry someone who already has kids as that is a nightmare when he pops off and the kids want their inheritance but you actually live in it.

But it may make sense to finally marry when you are both old as saving on Inheritance Tax may work at this point in your life

If you WERE working, how would you both manage childcare? If the answer is anything that involves you PAYING MONEY - whether directly through nursery or indirectly by him having to reduce his hours - then you ARE contributing. You are just doing all that labour for free.

Someone has said this above but I'll echo the sentiment - you have seemingly given up every single aspect of your own financial security in the last few years, to make your family work:

• you do not have your own income
• you have been out of the labour market for x years, which reduces your employability if you wanted/needed to return to work
• I assume with no earnings you're not funding a pension

Do you have your own savings?

I sincerely hope this is not the case but this SCREAMS trad wife horror story - being held financially hostage which results in a complete power imbalance.

If it was me, I'd really try to present the above to him and see if he can see this from your perspective. If he can't, I'd strongly advise against having more children with this man.

Oh no, that poor woman. I can see how it happens, women must drift into the situation. I think it’s only as we get older and see so many marriages/relationships break up when the DC get to around 18 that we want to shout to the younger women be careful, don’t put yourself in a vulnerable position.

Oh god yes. My friend D didn’t marry and had two kids with him. She is a hairdresser he is a banker. He paid for everything. He left her or asked her to move out the day after the youngest turned 18. She didn’t get a penny. She is 50 and renting! He lives in a million pound plus house with his new (non marrried partner) he openly says he won’t marry as he wants to protect house and pension (!)

You can still claim indeed at the very least you need the pension credits for it and he puts in the tax

We always planned to get married at some point, but TTC was more urgent due to health issues. So we went ahead and tried, and conceived, while just bf/gf. DH always understood that unless we were married there's no way I'd have reduced my hours or taken a long mat leave. We got married during the pregnancy to ensure we and the baby had those protections. I was fine to reduce to part time after a long mat leave as I knew DH had legal and financial responsibilities towards me. Any woman that gives up work to care for their child while unmarried and legally nothing more than a casual lodger is insane. No sense of self-preservation whatsoever.

How long is 3/12?

Oh sorry it's a medical abbreviation for 3 months.

You need to make your own way in the world. He has no intention of marrying you or helping you build a joint financial asset.

Get a job , claim child benefit and start asserting yourself.

Sadly, you've got yourself into a very vulnerable position.
Ultimate time!
If he wants you to remain at home he has to either marry you or put you on the house deeds.
If he won't, then you have to find a job - either PT or FT. Or leave him and apply for CMS etc....
He sounds quite controlling and possibly abusive going by his behaviour.

I am sorry you are in this position. At least you see it now and can take steps to protect yourself. You clearly "see" him now and see what he thinks of you. Noting your savings are almost used up. Does he continue to generate savings for "himself"? There is no financial equality here as far as I can see. He continues to earn and enhance his earning potential/promotion potential. You are on thin ice, financially. He refuses to resolve a situation that is unfairly balanced, to his favour. Honestly, a good person would NOT put you in this position.i would add up the loss earnings and savings spent. I would add up what he had saved in childcare and anything else he has refused to pay. I would ask him to make a proposal on how he would like to address the imbalance. If he won't, you know where you stand and its up to you if you want to accept that (it will fester and impact you) or take steps to get out of this situation. You can fix this. Its worth addressing the issue now, before it worsens.

Yeah this was a bit of a silly move. Is he contributing to your pension at least whilst you’re not working?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
good one
he'd have to see her as being of some value rather than just his serf

First thing op:

Get a full time job

I have a slightly different view, I’d go back to work and then child care / housework / bills (excluding the mortgage) should be split proportionally to your salaries. But if he is buying the house and paying the mortgage I don’t think you should be on the deeds.
I’d also want any life insurances / the will to go to you / the child. As that is security in the event of something awful happening. I hope you manage to come to a meaningful agreement

You can claim child benefit. However he will have to pay it back through his tax return.
You should claim it, as it will also mean you get National Insurance credits towards your state pension, until your child turns 12.

You really must claim for it though, it's for your own future! You don't need to receive the money for it but you should claim the credits.

She does need to receive the money for it though; this is a man who wants her at home and unemployed but doesn’t fund her.