Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

He doesn't consider you wife material. Doesn't consider you a life partner. He can't be any clearer. He's free to walk away and marry someone else tomorrow.

Unfortunately the only rights you have are for your child if it's on the birth certificate.

You get funded hours before 3 from September, my daughter had 15hrs last year from being 2 as working parents

If I owned a home previously I'd be the same in protecting what I'd financially paid for

Yes that's what we did.

No it doesn’t work for women due to the high risk of the marriage breaking down. It might feel like it works and if the man is loaded so that she would get a big settlement on divorce, it’s fine (but plenty of rich men don’t work). Where it’s not a good idea is where the man is a good earner but not enough to support two households and the assets are fairly modest, even if the family home is large and expensive.
Nearly half of marriages will end in divorce. Very few spousal maintenance orders are made these days (only in about 10% of cases will the husband pay spousal maintenance to the wife), and many of the inequalities will not manifest until old age where women will not have equal pensions to men.
I know several of my mums friends and acquaintances (now coming up for retirement) who were SAHMs with what would have been called wealthy husbands (lawyers, doctors etc) who are now financially fucked, nearly all of them divorced in their 50s, nearly all of them because the husband cheated. Invariably their husbands are very well off post-divorce with expensive cars, big houses etc. The wives generally have little to no pension/are still having to work/might have a mortgage free home but it needs work that they can’t afford (although one of them now lives in rental as she had to sell). None of them could really go back to work post divorce due to having been off so long. I’ve spoken to them and they all say they’d tell their daughters never to be a SAHM.

Yes of course all we can do is trust that the person we are choosing to share life with does not turn around and screw us over and some people can change and turn on us without warning so from that perspective being married at least does legally secure you. I guess its about having boundaries from the very beginning and making it clear that you won't be dictated to especially when it comes to the dynamics of raising a family.

Except you are making up a scenario to suit the point you want to make. Nothing to do with the reality of this thread.

OP has carried a baby with the risk pregnancy entails. On the insistence of her partner has given up work, to her own detriment, for the benefit of their shared child. Looks after toddler full time. She is not a "cock lodger" in any sense of the phrase.

Likewise, a man who stays at home to care for a child he shares with his partner while she works is not a cock-lodger but a SAHD providing an important contribution to the household, particularly in the early childhood years.

He doesn’t get to say whether you hi to work or not.

he can state his request but then he would have to accept that he needs to pay you to stay home.

Ask yourself why.

If your boyfriend thinks your child is too young for nursery that's absolutely fine, he can quit work and look after him while you get yourself back into work ASAP.

YANBU I was homeless briefly bc DH died. This wasn't actually his fault, we lived in the flat he rented and the tenancy was an assured tenancy, which don't exist anymore, it already been passed down to him from his DM. But don't end up in the same situation. You need to be joint owner of the house.

You need to stop being so passive.

If you want to stay with him (and tbf why would you if he won't put you on the deeds to the house), you need to take responsibility for your own financial safety. Put your dd into childcare - millions of families do - and get a job. Your partner will need to pay 50% of the childcare costs (and if he won't, then maybe you will leave him). Pay money into a pension. Start thinking of your future. And fgs don't have another child with him.

I am good with money, saved up, had help from my family to buy a house, and then almost lost everything due to someone else's recklessness.

So no way would I now ever put someone on the deeds of a house which was in my name alone, kids or not. And I'd say the same to my kids about any property they bought before meeting a partner.

But there is so little information here it's impossible to know what the partner's motivation is. 'Rocky' could mean arguments, or could mean one of them having an affair. Maybe OP and DP sat down and discussed her moving in and then having a child, maybe it was unplanned and DP feels he didn't have much choice. Maybe DP inherited the house. Maybe one of them is terrible with money.

There are a lot of unknowns.

A friends partner was a bankrupt because he paid all his mothers debts again and again. Lovely guy otherwise. She made him her lodger, it's all very amicable and has worked for years. His mother can't touch the house because it's all in my friends name.

Assuming that an individual man out earns his female partner is based on sexist stereotypes.

The fact that on average a man earns more than a woman on average is a separate thing. you’re talking about averages across a population that may or may not apply to the individuals in question. You’ve also failed to take into account the fact that high earners and low earners tend to pair up.

No need to be patronising about whether or not I’ve studied statistics just because you disagree. This is a message board after all where people are free to express their views.

I’m amazed any solicitor would advise a silly strategy like the one you outlined. Family members fall out with each other all the time and in this scenario a fall out could lead to all kinds of problems. Also, the plan relies on the spouse not wanting to spend legal fees for a small portion of the property. But if that small portion ends up being huge, or the partial home owner has other assets that the spouse can go after as part of the settlement, it’s likely they’ll believe spending a lot of money on legal advice is worthwhile.

You need to stop doing what he wants and start doing what makes sense for you. He's holding all the cards, OP. Get back to work and make some plans.

I voted YANBU because I can see why you'd feel insecure in this position and it's not a nice way for him to treat the person he is supposedly intending to spend his life with and should see as a team mate.

BUT if he brought a lot of assets into the relationship I can see why he'd want to protect that in some way.

Not updating his Will and life assurance sounds strange, who has he nominated to receive his assurance and who is named in his Will? If it's your child, then I can see some sense though it could make life very difficult for you in the interim.

The only way out of this is to secure your own financial position. Either to get married so you are legally protected (though that still won't cover you for all the missed earnings unless he is super rich and can pay you lifelong maintenance) or return to work and build up your own assets. The latter being my preference. He doesn't get to tell you that you can't/ shouldn't work whilst also denying you any financial protection.

Sounds like he wants the benefits of a SAHM but doesn't actually want to pay for it

I'm sorry but you need to wake up.

He feels, he wants, he'd like [or you're on the receiving end of an "atmosphere"]. What do you want other than your name on the deeds of the house. He has no intention of doing this and this is why he is dragging his feet about getting married too and possibly with encouragement from his parents.

Get a nursery place and a job. Make sure half the nursery bill is put straight at his door along with half of pick ups and drop offs.
Get some decent birth control and don't even contemplate more children with him until your relationship is not borderline abusive, you have more confidence in yourself and you are respected by your partner.
Claim child benefit, he can sort out the tax implications. It's not difficult.

If there is any issue with this, you need to plan to leave.

Absolutely, OP is very exposed here.

but he might be more likely to than putting her on the deeds. I did the same with my partner because I didn’t want him on mine.

As PP has said, you must claim child benefit to get your National insurance contributions paid whilst you are a SAHP. I am reiterating as I have been really burnt by this. I mistakenly cancelled my child benefit and now have missed NI contributions which will affect my state pension in the future if I don’t make voluntary contributions. Claim it and then your partner declares it in his tax return pays it back through his tax. It’s a cumbersome system but it’s the only way to do it.

This is exactly why women are advised NOT to have a child and give up work to care for them without being married first. It's to do with legal protections.

FWIW I wouldn't put any partner, particularly one who wasn't working, on the deeds of the house I bought before I met them. Why should I? But then I wouldn't have expected to have a child with them either. Who was the driving force behind having a baby? You or him?

In your position I'd be looking at going back to work full time and splitting the child care costs with him. I'd also be looking at putting savings together to buy or rent my own place and move out.

She can remind him of whatever she likes, he can still kick her out at a moments notice. Upsetting the status quo without a plan in place is not a good idea.

Sure, Jan.

Agree. It's a stupid strategy. For a start, it will massively ramp up fees if they were to divorce. Family members who are legal co-owners can also be joined as parties to the financial proceedings and the court can make a declaration as to what they think their true amount of ownership is (which doesn't always correspond to what is on the legal documents). So it doesn't necessarily protect anyway and massively complicates things.