Fiance slept with a prostitute

[Adviceneededrewedding]

Don’t know what to do or think.

Last night my fiance told me slept with a prostitute a couple of weeks ago after a work night out.

Basically, went out for work drinks and ended up getting paralytic, a work friend said to him I’ve got someone I want you to meet it’s a good business lead etc. They turn up at the house and partner is confused because there’s only girls there and there is a bed in the room. Work friend starts negotiating prices and partner then realises it’s a brothel. Said he started freaking out saying wtf are you doing this isn’t right etc. Work friend/ prostitues say to him this is normal everyone does it and he says they convince him to do it. He said the girl took his trousers down put on condom and they had sex for 30 seconds then he said no I can’t do this and ran out of the house and made his way home.

Broke down crying to me about this last night saying he’s so sorry and he can’t believe he’s done this and he’s never once been in a situation where he’s been close to cheating so can’t believe he was stupid enough to let himself get into this mess.

I’m in shock tbh I would never have expected this from him he is usually a really genuine moral person with really strong family/ relationship values. He said he will never do anything like this again and will not ever get himself in a state like that again.

Dont know what to do, we’re supposed to be getting married in 6 months. Other than this he has never done anything cheating wise etc he absolutely hates cheating. Am I being really naive to forgive him? I love him and I don’t want to throw away our relationship over a stupid drunken mistake if he will genuinely never do it again. I also can’t look at him and can’t imagine ever having sex with him again.

need some other opinions don’t want to tell anyone in my personal life.

Well he’s not your fiance anymore then is he?

…is he???

I'm not sure I could get past it, however, a friend's husband had an affair. Everyone told her to leave him. I asked her whether her life would be better or worse without him. It took a while, but she chose to stay. That was about 20 years ago and they are still together and happy. Good luck in whatever you decide.

What a horrible situation. You sound like you are spiralling OP. I think you need to talk to a real person, maybe a GP, for your own mental health. You could always talk to a friend and not tell them all the details. But also you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of, don’t feel you need to protect him from the consequences of his actions at the expense of your own mental health.

You don’t need to make any major decisions right now. And given that you don’t seem to be in that great a place mentally I wouldn’t suggest you do. Maybe ask for a bit of space/ temporary separation while you get over the shock and think about it. You can also use that time to look at getting your ducks in a row, speak to solicitors, look at getting a job, find out what leaving looks like. It might not be as scary as you think. Hoping for better days for you.

In which case, what's 30 seconds between (new) friends.

If you accept his story at face value you should not consider marrying this man.
He is clearly very weak, easily led and despite your claims cannot have a very strong moral code.
It's quite likely he has done this before and is softening you up so that when you are married you can't really complain at this sort of behaviour when it happens again. He wasn't "close to cheating" he did cheat-30 seconds still counts.

What has OP having 2 kids with him before they got married got to do with anything 🙄

I think it’s weird you referenced teenage sons & brothers ..
And I’d be pretty sure also , no one has to research why prostitution is chosen as a profession…

It limits her choices now.

So he was paralytic AND got an erection?!!!

Tempted , yes , I agree , I’m sure lots can find themselves in that situation..

I just think personally , when OPS husband realised he was in a brothel he should have been straight out the door 🤷🏻‍♀️..
Look, sure what do any of us know at the same time , we weren’t there , how things unfolded in that house ..
Heavily under the influence , realised what the fuck he was doing , stopped & did run out the door 🤷🏻‍♀️…
He’s very remorseful now , it’s not like he was having an affair which would be so much harder to come from , I don’t care what anyone says , it’s where they lie & deceive in order to cheat on you ..
Couples do come from one night mistakes …

Is the wedding date moveable? I don’t think you should push on. Definitely pause and have a think.

And it is possibly in fact the best answer: to not break up a family for a lifetime for the sake of one drunken mistake. Alcohol is a poison and poisons lives too.

I agree.

A few things don't make sense.
If he was that drunk and anxious would he have even been able to get erect?
Why would his friend have any interest in tricking and encouraging him to do this, if your DP didn't have interest in it I'd expect his friend to have been too embarrassed to even bring it up?

Mitigating factor could be that he's told you, I would think that means it's more likely a one off. But the story doesn't seem completely honest, and there could be a chance he's trying to cover tracks as someone's threatened to tell you..

It's a decision only you can make, it's easy for everyone else to say just leave, but you have to make the decision that's right for you, whichever that is.
Personally I couldn't be attracted to him after that. But it's your decision to make and you know him whereas we are seeing a snapshot of his (hopefully) worst ever action.

Is there a chance that he's confessing and telling you this because now, one of the colleagues GF/wives found out? And he wants to give you his 'version' of events before you're informed by someone else? If so I think you're getting a very different version of events which sadly makes him out to be a victim. He is not worth marrying. Even if he is truly sorry, your dynamic will never be the same. Because of guilt / shame / the good partner vs the bad. I think your respect for him would be ruined. And rightly so! I'm so sorry this has happened to you! Some people can hide their true colours for so long.

Sticking your penis in a prostitute is not a mistake. It is a choice that only the sleaziest, creepiest scummiest man would make.

And if you actually believe that a man goes from zero to fucking prossies, I have a bridge Id like to sell you. He has DEFINITELY done lots and lots and lots of other shit. If he's admitting using prostitutes, what he's not admitting to must be beyond belief.

I had a BF once turn up at my doorstep crying having been driven 3hrs by his elderly father - on his knees weeping to confess that he'd slept with someone else. A housemate, I think, while drunk. It was unexpected and completely put me off him immediately. But the wretch was so sad and pathetic, I said OK it's ok let's give you a 2nd chance. We've all fucked up. And from that day on he was weedling, guilty, submissive, also worshipping me on a pedestal. Agreeing with anything i said or did. Telling me "Ill never EVER leave you". It was awful frankly. If your partner is truly sorry, be prepared to be stuck on that pedestal. It's a shit place to be. You need someone who will love you, but for who you are now, not how you make them feel. And someone who loves themselves enough to forgive their own sins. If you totally change perspnality one day or become a dickhead - you have to know that they can and will leave. See if you love him enough for who he is. See if he actually loves himself enough to get past it. But frankly, if my DH didn't fancy me, exclusively, I wouldnt really want to be with him. I'd feel sorry for him but also set him free to find happiness somewhere else. I'm the best person for him but only as long as he understands that.

This makes the most sense. Where he got it from would be anyone’s guess - a long term affair, regular prostitution use. His story just so happens to be the ‘least’ (in his eyes) bad version of picking one up. I’m surprised he didn’t explain away his erection by being spiked with viagara tho and being physically threatened to carry out the deed, or that he was so paralytic he thought it was you… Maybe it’s guilt and he wants to wash his conscience before the wedding but unless he’s planning on leaving his job and having no further contact with the colleague there’s every chance it would happen again. Plus ppl at work would know what happened, and think it every time they saw you. I think you should end it, OP. He was so paralytic he was not in control of his actions but remembers in detail what happened and could still perform… he’s shown he will lie to minimise his culpability, or get in such a state as to behave like that in the first place. Not great husband or father material,

Get out now.

I have only read your 2 posts and a few others @Adviceneededrewedding as I couldn't stand all the people on here who are willing for you to totally fuck up your life by telling you to LTB, and either pretending or actually believing that they know your partner, and that he will follow the script to the letter. But they don't know him at all, neither do I, but you do!

I am female and in my 60's, and I am very far from being naive. My first husband left me and our children for someone else, and I have read enough in my life to know what absolute pricks far too many men can be. I also often think I am recognising "the script", but I would never insist to anyone that their partner was 100% following the script, or that even if they were, that the betrayed woman should definitely LTB.

I do not know why your partner would tell you about his encounter with a prostitute at all if he wasn't feeling very guilty and rubbish about it. If he was very drunk, and if this was a one off, do you think that maybe with some couples counselling, you could get over it, and rebuild your relationship together? Of course you can never know for certain that things happened as he said they did, maybe he did climax inside her, and he was too scared to admit that to you.

So it really boils down to, do you think he is the sort to do this frequently, but for some reason felt so guilty about it this time that he has admitted it to you, and as he has owned up to at least part of it, do you think that you can trust him, and continue to love him enough in the future, to stay with him?

I think that as you have no-one in real life to talk this over with, and as every individual Mumsnetter will have their own agenda's - including me, that maybe you and your partner really should have at least a few meetings with a couples counsellor, but maybe your first one should be on your own with the counsellor. If you love this man as much as you seem to, and if he loves you as much as he seems to, then wouldn't it be rather sad to just turn away from your relationship without any proper discussions?

What I don't want you to do, is to look back in 20 or 30 years time, and wish you had given him a second chance. Of course, I also don't want you to look back and wish that you had LTB! If after counselling you do want to give your partner another chance, you can always change your mind if you find it isn't working after a year or two, or even 5 or 6 years. If you decide to separate now, then you probably won't have the chance to get back together again in a year or two's time. Please seek professional guidance, and don't act on the demands of Mumsnetters, again, including me!

I wish you only the best for your future OP. Oh and by the way, my DxH didn't give me any choices, he left me for the love of his life - they are now divorced! 💐

Again, he's a piece of shit. Barely even ranks as human, let alone husband material. Dump immediately.

That story makes little sense OP
It just doesn't read plausible
not telling you the complete truth does not bode well for your relationship though..

I’ve got male friends who’ve ended up in similar situations when drunk and have managed to say “no thanks, I’ll wait this one out” while the friend who took them there did it. Because they think paying for sex is gross. So I’m not sure I could get past this.

Exactly

He says he was drunk then coerced by a persuasive coworker and a sex worker. He started the deed but then reality hit him and he couldn't continue.

It is possible that this is the truth.

This would indicate terrible judgement on his part but people do make bad decisions when they drink too much.

Don't subject him to the court of Mumsnet. What's YOUR gut feeling? Can you get past this? Do you want to? Those are the questions you should be asking.