To feel awful for not realising that menopause is so brutal?!

[yayoikusama]

I'm 37, and I was just diagnosed with premature ovarian insufficiency – basically I'm in premature menopause. Not even peri-menopause; my hormone levels are what you'd expect from someone post-menopause.

I've been feeling horrendous for months. Truly thought I was losing my mind.

Exhausted down to my bones, taking long naps every day because I just can't keep going.

My brain doesn't feel like my own. I can't think in straight lines, can't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes, sentences aren't coming out the way I want them to (and I write for a living so this is particularly painful).

I've been riding huge waves of sadness and anxiety (it doesn't help that the last two years have been really hard). My body is achy and tight. I feel like I'm living under a heavy cloud. And this is all completely aside from the 'premature' part of my diagnosis, which has pretty significant ramifications for my fertility.

I knew menopause sent you a bit emotionally haywire, and that you might forget words or have hot flushes, but I had no idea how utterly debilitating it could be.

And I'm completely shocked, now, that there are so many women out there battling daily life while feeling this way; that it's not made room for and explicitly supported in workplaces; that we're not treating it as the absolute earthquake that it can be.

It's made me realise the internalised misogyny I've been holding, because I feel shame about it and somehow less of a woman because I'm going through it early. Logically I know that's nonsense, but I can feel it bubbling.

I'm walking around looking at every woman I see, now, of usual menopausal age, doing normal things and holding everything together, and just wanting to give them a massive hug.

I know HRT can work wonders. And I know not everyone has such a brutal time of it, but I also know now that many of us do, and are just 'getting on with things' the way women are expected to, and it blows my mind.

If you've been through menopause, or you're in the thick of it now, did you feel prepared for what was coming? Did you know what it was really like, or did it shock you as much as it has me?

Edited to add: thought I was posting in AIBU – sorry for the weird thread title!

Just wondering what work place support should be? Not saying there shouldn’t be but it’s a natural biological issue and of course you’ll be less able to work than say a 20 year old you. Or, say, a man of the same age. Of course that doesn’t account for experience etc. I’d like to know more as it’s round the corner for me! 😱

Mine wasn’t too bed.

It is talked about freely; it's everywhere!

However I think it's one of those things where one might hear the words but one doesn't actually understand just how bad it can get. I was very informed about all things related to peri-menopause and I still didn't realise that's what was happening to me.

It absolutely floored me. I have spent 7 or 8 years feeling absolutely dreadful and, especially toward the latter bit, haven't felt like myself. It's distressing to feel so discombobulated on every level, like you're living in a stranger's body.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.💐

I've started HRT and have seen some real improvement.

I agree, it is brutal. My symptoms started at 48 which involved brain fog and crying like a baby irrationally (I spent a whole week’s holiday with my husband sobbing but didn’t know why which was fun for him!) aching joints and anxiety. It gradually crept up on me from then and I ended up having to leave a job at management level to one with no management responsibilities as I couldn’t cope with the demands. I’d done it successfully for 20 years before that.

At 50 I started HRT which helped, but I gained a stone and a half in weight despite running and eating carefully. I’m now 54 and am still on HRT but have had to use Mounjaro to lose the weight as it just wouldn’t shift. Thankfully it’s working but I wouldn’t have had this option a year or more ago so would just have to have felt frumpy and fat which massively affected my self esteem, especially at work.

But it’s still the anxiety, forgetfulness and brain fog that really gets me. I honestly thought I had some kind of mental illness a year or so ago but after a chat with a very understanding GP, I realised it was all menopause related. I had to increase my HRT dosage and things started to slowly improve.

Thankfully I’m now feeling a lot more ‘normal’ but my advice is to use HRT if you are able to, it takes a while to get the dosage right but once it’s there, it helps. Although it did mean weight gain for me sadly.

And tbf it isn't awful for everyone. Some women are fortunate enough to only have very mild symptoms. I know someone who literally didn't feel a thing, her periods just stopped.

Weight gain for me too, I had the marina coil fitted and started using gel HRT, I have put on about two stone and feel bloated - nothing is shifting it.

I was put straight in menopause at 45 due to taking tamoxifen. I was very lucky and didn't have any symptoms until about 7 years in then had vaginal astrophy. Symptoms were of a UTI but vagifem sorted that out.

I was knocked to my knees by it, it was the phycological symptoms that were worst for me.
I just couldn't function in the same way, anxiety and panic, I'd burst into tears of complete overwhelm. Never cried like it in my life. Started a new job and just couldn't retain new information, which of cause increased the anxiety. I lost that job because of it.
My sister had the rage version but mine was like a folding of my personality, until I could to make myself as small as possible, i was so afraid of everything.

HRT eventually got me on more of an even keel but I'll never be the person I was, that level of confidence has never came back.
For some reason, I just never thought about the menopause and mine really kicked off quite late, I was 50 when I realised what was happening.

It changed my life. I have never had a hot flush.

You poor thing OP, most women experience it all gradually as the hormones deplete over the years but it sounds like you’ve had it all at once.
Plus HRT really does help with so many symptoms, are you on it?

I am in same boat and agree with every word you say.

I know what you mean, OP. When I was younger and used to hear the older women at work I used to sit there thinking that they must be exaggerating and that they were just moaners. 😬

I am ashamed of myself for thinking that way. But in my defence menopause wasn’t really spoken about openly in the media etc like it is now so I wasn’t aware of what a big thing it really can be for many women.

All I’d heard growing up was from elderly great aunts at family parties whispering about “The Change” and not even using the word menopause. I just thought that because it was about periods that it wasn’t the done thing to talk about it and I literally thought it was just the change from having periods to not having periods. I heard the odd mention of hot flushes but that was it.

so when I was in my 30s and people were starting to discuss it at work on our lunch breaks about how debilitating it was, and I could see the anxiety for myself, I just thought a lot of it was down to them being anxious and stressed. I just didn’t realise!

Now I work with a lot of younger women and us older women mention it a lot in front of them and the ones who are on HRT talk about that in front of them too. Most importantly we talk about the mental changes because it’s sometimes really obvious when we’re trying to think of the right word or have forgotten a task that we needed to do. I think a couple of the less easily embarrassed menopausal women openly joke with each other about preferring a cup of tea to sex these days too.

So hopefully the younger women can see that it IS a widely experienced actual thing and something they can be prepared for, rather than the massive shock that it was for me. It’s not nice to feel that you’re losing your mind or that you’ve gone off sex for no apparent reason after being very satisfied all your adult life.

In my 40s, I got the hot flushes. In my mid 50s, I'm not getting those but sick of the bloody bloated stomach every month. I haven't had a period in about 8 months and really hope this is the meno now.

You poor pet. I am 60 and my few friends that had it early said it was particularly horrific.

What you can do is consider the following.
You really need to educate yourself about the menopause.
Alternative health can be very helpful.
A dose of anti depressants isn't a bad idea if you feel particularly low.
HRT works for some, not others.
Lion manes coffee can be very good to drink as a coffee substitute. I drink it on the recommendation of a friend for brain fog and it is nice for a morning boost that doesn't spike your cortisol.

A good vitamin B complex is excellent to support your nervous system.
Starflower oil is the big daddy of primrose oil and is very good to help with hormonal balance. I felt homicidal rage at times and this was incredible for saving me and my family. It levelled me out.

Acupuncture has consistently been very good for rebalancing me and my friends. Some said a visit once a month really helped to calm them.
Kinesiology is worth exploring also for rebalancing the body.

It is crucial to look for recommended practitioners so you are not wasting your money.

If you find you have hot flushes, which I did, and which were unbearable. I made fresh sage tea from an old raggedy plant in the garden. I put a bunch in a tea pot, filled it up with boiling water, let it cool and drank the lot.

It was magic. One pot reduced mine by 80% in 24 hours. I did this every few weeks and it seemed to really help me.
I found the hot flushes unbearable.

The link between hot flushes and stress is very interesting. The more stressed you are, the worse they are. So awful.

Eat well. Cut back on sugar, up your diet of good fats, nuts, fruit and veg.
Magnesium glycerate is great to help with sleep.
Vitamin D is great to boost your immune system.

So often women are so busy with families, work, parents, that they do not look after themselves at all. This makes menopause so much worse.

You have to make your health and well-being a real priority. It will make a difference.

Sea swimming made all the difference to a few friends of mine, but that isn't always an option.

Mentally you will feel better if you invest in educating yourself and minding yourself during this time.

Wishing you well.

It's not always like this, and not all of the time. I get periods of brain fog that are utterly crippling, unable to even do things like follow a basic recipe when usually I'm an experienced cook etc. Other times am fine.

Women have always battled through. Period pain, pregnancy, post partum, menopause. It must be amazing to be a man and just be.

I'm sorry you're experiencing problems, OP, but I just want to reassure women who are not yet pre menopause that most women do not suffer extreme systems. Indeed many suffer none.

Mumsnet is alarmist about "peri". Women should take Vagifem to prevent vaginal atrophy and do exercises to maintain their bone density.

Well, you say this but remember Rachel Reeves crying in front of everyone. I immediately thought “ah, poor woman probably can’t help it and will feel really embarrassed.” if it WAS just menopause wreaking havoc with her emotions she probably wasn’t sure how to speak about it. I think it’s still taboo for women in very senior positions to be open about it because they’re probably worried that people would assume that they’re unable to do a good job because of it. Maybe it would create more prejudice if senior women admitted menopause was affecting them so badly.

Almost lost my mind, starting at 42, the bone tiredness and rage with no rationale were the things that pushed me to get help. My GP was amazing and after a test didn’t hesitate in prescribing HRT and Estradiol. Both have made me feel more like my own self. Exercise too, running and swimming, have kept me focused and sane.

Had my first hot flush in 1999. Things seemed to be getting better but I then had a hysterectomy 6 years ago and I was back to the beginning. Has been even worse the last few weeks. I know it has been hot lately but every day between 12.30-1.30 and then again between 5.30-6.30 sweat just drips off my face. I have never had this before. 26 years I've been putting up with this crap and I'm sick of it. It just keeps giving!Insomnia, vaginal atrophy, luckily no rages but waves of anxiety that can make me gasp, can't shift weight even though I'm down to eating only once a day. Can't have HRT and I've tried so many other things, black cohosh, sage, etc, etc. For some of us it never ends but not everyone is the same, thankfully.

This, we’ve always suffered haven’t we? Puberty, periods, hormonal contraception etc

My menopause has been awful. Helped by hrt but it’s no cure all. However, make sure you check other things that can impact you, low vit b12 has an awful impact on my cognition, low iron and vit d can cause awful tiredness. Do you suffer from migraine, mine went nuts in menopause and tripled the brain fog, fatigue and memory issues. Addressing all the above things helped. FWIW my libido went through the roof. Not everyone loses interest in sex. Something that isn’t spoken about enough is the need for vaginal oestrogen pessaries. They’re local to the vagina so if your condition disallows hrt (not sure if that’s the case) you can usually use these. If you don’t know already look this up, you don’t want vaginal atrophy so keep an eye on any changes, dryness, itching etc or pain during a smear test and take action. This is something people still don’t talk about.

Im 43 and had a baby 5 months ago but I think I'm heading that way, I'm permanently knackered, aching and sad. Also sex really hurts. I don't know if its post natal or perimenaupause

For me, it’s the psychology.

that’s I’m old. That now I’ve lost my hormonal cycle my skin will start to age, bones will lose density, and I’m going to have to battle the downhill slide into looking like an old lady.

i agree exercise is the key. I am in that twilight zone where kids aren’t quite driving and still need ferrying, I need to work to pay bills and help out with uni/kids flying the nest. So time for the gym and activities are limited.

I need to retire so I can focus on being active and healthy. 9 hours a day at a desk does not suit an aging body.

Yes, vagi cream was a game changer for my friends.

Absolutely many women do sail through menopause and some can have months of feeling well before a spike in symptoms.

Realising that there are things that you can do to help yourself through diet, supplements and self care is empowering.

Astwangandha is a supplement that a few friends swear by for their mental health.

From my first symptoms to my periods stopping was only 6 months. I was 41.

I'm 8 years postmenopausal.

I started HRT but I'm nothing like I used to be.

Nothing could have prepared me and in all honesty?
I'm glad I didn't know as there's nothing else I could have done to avoid or change my experience.

I know why women kill themselves during menopause...