To feel awful for not realising that menopause is so brutal?!

[yayoikusama]

I'm 37, and I was just diagnosed with premature ovarian insufficiency – basically I'm in premature menopause. Not even peri-menopause; my hormone levels are what you'd expect from someone post-menopause.

I've been feeling horrendous for months. Truly thought I was losing my mind.

Exhausted down to my bones, taking long naps every day because I just can't keep going.

My brain doesn't feel like my own. I can't think in straight lines, can't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes, sentences aren't coming out the way I want them to (and I write for a living so this is particularly painful).

I've been riding huge waves of sadness and anxiety (it doesn't help that the last two years have been really hard). My body is achy and tight. I feel like I'm living under a heavy cloud. And this is all completely aside from the 'premature' part of my diagnosis, which has pretty significant ramifications for my fertility.

I knew menopause sent you a bit emotionally haywire, and that you might forget words or have hot flushes, but I had no idea how utterly debilitating it could be.

And I'm completely shocked, now, that there are so many women out there battling daily life while feeling this way; that it's not made room for and explicitly supported in workplaces; that we're not treating it as the absolute earthquake that it can be.

It's made me realise the internalised misogyny I've been holding, because I feel shame about it and somehow less of a woman because I'm going through it early. Logically I know that's nonsense, but I can feel it bubbling.

I'm walking around looking at every woman I see, now, of usual menopausal age, doing normal things and holding everything together, and just wanting to give them a massive hug.

I know HRT can work wonders. And I know not everyone has such a brutal time of it, but I also know now that many of us do, and are just 'getting on with things' the way women are expected to, and it blows my mind.

If you've been through menopause, or you're in the thick of it now, did you feel prepared for what was coming? Did you know what it was really like, or did it shock you as much as it has me?

Edited to add: thought I was posting in AIBU – sorry for the weird thread title!

Japanese people eat a lot of tofu, which apparently is helpful to menopausal women.

Interesting, so do we.

Vegetarian for 30 years - and eat a lot of tofu.
BMI of 22 (size 10) never been overweight
Used to walk dogs 5 miles every day
Never taken the pill

I have no idea why I was so badly affected - at least now I just have hot flushes not the awful joint and muscle pains that mimicked rheumatoid arthritis.

One other thing you have in common is that you’re related. Maybe it’s a genetic phenomenon.

I remember my mum feeling very sorry for herself because her legs were so painful...... She put it down to having worked all her life and standing for hours as a teenage nurse. She was always a martyr. She was convinced her pains were due to all her hardwork, working harder than everyone else.

She used to sit at the table reading the death anniversaries and cry about people she didn't know.

She was anxious about us falling into the river or crossing roads.

If you asked her now, she would say she sailed through the menopause. Her advice is just ignore it and sail through, like she did.

I remember a different story.

That's the crazy thing about this stage of life, there's no one size fits all. My peri experience was a non event, periods stopped completely and post menopause my life fell off a cliff. I'm 10/11 years post menopause now and was off hrt for a couple of months, the insomnia started to creep back in and I'm like a 90 year old woman that can't reach the items on bottom shelf I'm so stiff and achey again, thankfully back on HRT again now

Not everyone has symptoms of the menopause. I had none at all.

Getting your bone density checked is an excellent idea if you’re going through, or have been through menopause. It’s a symptom you won’t feel.

Interested point.
How your mum experienced it could be a strong indicator of what it will be like for you, my GP told me years ago.

My husband says at least we don’t have to shave every day 🤣🤣

It does depend though

my mum had very few problems - itchy hands, few hot flushes & minor joint pains but that was it

my sisters and I have all struggled far more than her to varying degrees

there is soooo much research still to be done into menopause so we can understand and help those that do need help much better than we do atm

Suffering in menopause is not family related in my case.
Both of my older sisters 'sailed' through with hardly any symptoms. My mum managed without HRT although had a few hot flushes.
For me on the other hand it was brutal. Debilitating. Life ruining.

I asked my GP why I'd got all these horrible things happening to me when my my mum and sisters didn't. I said I felt weak and silly and should be battling through without going on HRT.
He said menopause was different for every woman and wasn't to do with family, and my own experience was valid.

Interestingly I was always very sensitive to hormone changes in my body. I could always tell when I was ovulating, knew when my period was due (I had long erratic cycles -- 32-47 days so this was helpful!). Knew I was pregnant before I could take a test to confirm.
I've often wondered if this is why I felt the lack of oestrogen so badly.

There's good money for someone who can work out why some women apparently sail through it, and others feel like they've been mown down by a bus on the daily.

My GP said to start with 2 pumps a day and can use up to 4 pumps per day.

The palpatations are a killer! That and the dry eyes, headaches and brain fog. HRT helped a bit but I am genuinely shocked by how grumpy and unhappy I am without it!

How long did the rage last? I went into immediate menopause at 44 when I went into psychosis from anxiety. work triggered it but I think perimenpause was a factor.

Looking back, I’d say only about a year or so but it felt longer.

I went into psychosis with the anxiety and it took absolutely my whole life away.

I hope you dont mind me asking but are you Christian? I ask because of your user name - I am although my faith has taken the most horrific battering becasue I ahd a lot pf persecutory religious delusions.

I don’t mind at all, but no, my name was inspired by a thread about hymns we enjoyed at primary school. I’m sorry for your experience. It sounds really tough. I hope you can find some peace.

Ha ha - ahh that would explain it too. I remember that hymn although even ot been to church for a long time since I got unwell!

I think it's the same for any condition. I work with people who have a life changing condition, that is often, but not always a hidden disability. It's so common for both the patient and their family members to say that they had no idea what it was like and how debilitating it is.

Many people get through menopause without too many problems, but those of us approaching menopause now likely had parents where it wasn't talked about, so none of us knew what to expect, which makes everything seem so much worse, and women think they are going mad when they notice changes, or think they have dementia because of the brain fog. Many are terrified.

I think society is changing. I think it's talked about a lot more and there is greater awareness now, helped by people like Davina McCall. I think many more employers do offer support now. They have loads of menopause groups/workshops etc where I work, and it's often mentioned in the weekly update email. It's always worth contacting Occy Health to see what employers offer. Obviously this is more likely in larger organisations.

There is a long way to go though in terms of greater understanding within society.

Sorry off topic but I briefly saw your username a few weeks ago and was trying to remember it over Christmas. I remember singing At the Name of Jesus at Sunday school in the 60s.

@PurpleCoo agree with this. I have chronic pain and you just can't keep complaining but I sometimes wish friends and family could feel how I feel for a day.

I am taking steroids for a recent condition. I had to take a high dose to start with which can cause heat flushes and night sweats. It’s a condition that mainly affects women but can be men too.
on a forum for this a recently diagnosed man was suffering debilitating night sweats and came onto apologise (humorously) for the whole of mankind for saying that women’s meno symptoms were nothing really and we should just get over it……..he said women had his utter respect if that’s what some had to put up with for years….and not just weeks like him.