To feel awful for not realising that menopause is so brutal?!

[yayoikusama]

I'm 37, and I was just diagnosed with premature ovarian insufficiency – basically I'm in premature menopause. Not even peri-menopause; my hormone levels are what you'd expect from someone post-menopause.

I've been feeling horrendous for months. Truly thought I was losing my mind.

Exhausted down to my bones, taking long naps every day because I just can't keep going.

My brain doesn't feel like my own. I can't think in straight lines, can't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes, sentences aren't coming out the way I want them to (and I write for a living so this is particularly painful).

I've been riding huge waves of sadness and anxiety (it doesn't help that the last two years have been really hard). My body is achy and tight. I feel like I'm living under a heavy cloud. And this is all completely aside from the 'premature' part of my diagnosis, which has pretty significant ramifications for my fertility.

I knew menopause sent you a bit emotionally haywire, and that you might forget words or have hot flushes, but I had no idea how utterly debilitating it could be.

And I'm completely shocked, now, that there are so many women out there battling daily life while feeling this way; that it's not made room for and explicitly supported in workplaces; that we're not treating it as the absolute earthquake that it can be.

It's made me realise the internalised misogyny I've been holding, because I feel shame about it and somehow less of a woman because I'm going through it early. Logically I know that's nonsense, but I can feel it bubbling.

I'm walking around looking at every woman I see, now, of usual menopausal age, doing normal things and holding everything together, and just wanting to give them a massive hug.

I know HRT can work wonders. And I know not everyone has such a brutal time of it, but I also know now that many of us do, and are just 'getting on with things' the way women are expected to, and it blows my mind.

If you've been through menopause, or you're in the thick of it now, did you feel prepared for what was coming? Did you know what it was really like, or did it shock you as much as it has me?

Edited to add: thought I was posting in AIBU – sorry for the weird thread title!

I've just been listening to a podcast on brain health, and the expert in it (Kimberley Wilson) said that studies have shown that in cultures and countries where aging is seen as a good thing, and elders are revered and respected, and where women in particular are valued for their wisdom and experience that comes with age... those countries report much fewer and less severe symptoms of menopause.

Of course correlation doesn't equal causation, but it's pretty interesting.

Go get your b12 levels checked, likely to need injections

I had a pretty easy time of it.

I'm not vegetarian but I have a healthy diet
I have been slim all my life
I'm reasonably active
I was on the pill for 6 years

I had DD late in life (41) and often wonder if that might have made it easier for me.

My overweight sister had an early menopause, and her GP told her that in her experience her larger female patients tended to go through it earlier.

I'm not sure if there is any scientific data to support this. I had my last period at 50.

Been awake, yet again since 4am.

Got to do a days work with a packed diary today.

Chicken in the slow cooker, milkman paid and milk brought in, been to Drs for routine old lady bloods, now waiting for lovely dh to bring me a coffee. Then I will start my day.
Ds is on 6 weeks school holiday, having a chilled day today thank goodness, pretty self sufficient and I will be in bed trying to sleep by 8 ish tonight.
That’s my perimeno day, just one, no sleep, feeling like death, can’t think due to brain fog & exhaustion.
Same tomorrow probably, and every day after that.
Utter crap.

menopause isn't an illness – it's a natural life stage that 50% of the population will go through. It's predictable in a way that sickness isn't.

Yet it isn't predictable... because there is OP & others saying "brutal" and others saying "non-event". And everything inbetween. Plus timing is inconsistent: OP is affected in her 30s, others not until age 52+. So not that predictable at all.

And there are posters on this thread who have been suffering with it for 14 years or more. A 7-day 'fit note' clause in a policy would be laughable.

Other people have chronic illness, get chronic conditions at any stage of life that affect how they cope or work. Is it merely a matter of numbers, so it's ok that employers end the message "We don't care if you have something unusual but if it's relatively common we'll be nice to you" , that is how policies should be developed?

many symptoms aren’t visible or easily proven,
True of so many health conditions, mental health ones esp.

A dedicated policy would signal that the workplace takes it seriously, and
What does "take it seriously" mean? Show that they want to retain staff in spite of chronic health problems they might get? Why not try to retain all such staff?

A dedicated policy would signal ... help to normalise conversation.
Bowel cancer, mental health conditions, cystic fibrosis, tapeworms, memory loss, managing obesity, crohn's disease... I wouldn't be enthusiastic about discussing those with colleagues suffering from them either. Are they so much less stigmatised conditions? Who finds it easy to talk about their BPD at a high pressure workplace? Anyone?

it's a natural life stage that 50% of the population will go through

I'd also take issue with "go through" as this implies that your hormones go a bit haywire for a few months/a year or two and then it's back to normal. That's certainly what I thought before it happened to me. I have vaginal atrophy because of lack of estrogen. Yes that means you're a dry and sore and sex is uncomfortable but more importantly it means that you are more prone to UTIs and other bladder/continence issues. That is not going to resolve itself. Ever. So I will be on Estriol cream for life.

I’ve never been overweight, nowhere near it. Healthy, active, excellent diet. Barely any hot flushes.

Brain fog and sleep is brutal. Brutal. It’s been years. Oh, and ongoing frozen shoulder ftw.

It’s not remotely predictable

my vagina doesn’t work anymore and now I need to get an appointment to get pessaries.

my bladders being weird too.

And this is all after almost 8 years of HRT.

it’s not something you go THROUGH, it’s ongoing shit until you die.

Can’t believe my fucking Fanny has packed up now - was the most reliable bit of my body 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I definitely found after 10 years the symptoms decreased. Periods being completely finished contributed to the easing.

Magnesium glycerate really helped my sleep as did Magnesium patches.

Sleeping poorly exacerbates everything, especially mental stress.

I found Piriton for night time excellent too.
Oh I changed my duvet to a 4.5 tog which was a game changer too for comfort.
Two single ones on our bed rather than sharing a King.....game changer for us both.

Oh a cooling mat for animals under your sheet really help a friend of mine sleep better too.
Worth a try.

@yayoikusama please feel free to jump in on the threads were we have been expected to sacrifice ourselves on the alter of Motherhood and the OP states that the Grandmothers are 'only' 55-70, so therefore can manage, menopause, health issues, still working, caring responsibilities and should be also providing childcare. The tiredness I experienced with my three as newborns, was nothing compared to menopause tiredness.

@yayoikusama Hi, it has been a long haul, and I still get hot flushes more than 20 years on... I was on HRT for a number of years, and although it only took the edge of my menopausal symptoms, at least they weren't quite as bad as they would otherwise have been.

The hospital discovered I was peri during infertility treatment - we'd already been blessed with one dc (with assistance from Clomid) and were trying for another, and POI explained why it wasn't happening. I was just left to deal with it, and they didn't exactly break the news gently.

My GP, on the other hand, suggested I had a DEXA scan to check my bone density when I was 40, and every 10 years thereafter to check whether there was any sign of the onset of osteoporosis and thankfully, my results have been in the normal range. I was also advised to make sure I ate adequate amounts of dairy produce and broccoli to ensure I had enough calcium in my diet. I like cheese, but I've had enough of broccoli now!

There have been two benefits - one was the end of having to suffer horrendous PMT, period pain and flooding, and the other was that my iron levels returned to normal, presumably because I wasn't losing so much blood every month.

That reminds me. To those of you who have ‘sailed’ through menopause, get your bone density checked. It should be up there with cervical and breast screening imo.

What about osteoporosis? My mum never had HRT following her hysterectomy and oophorectomy in her 50s and suffered broken bones in her 60s and then on hard core osteoporosis treatment til she died.

You might sail through menopause with little hot flushes or brain fog without HRT but what about bone health in later years?

@W0tnowcross posted. Broccoli and dairy won’t be sufficient.

I m 46 now, and I think I m end stage perimenopause.

At 37 I had one night of intense hot flushes, burning up, subsiding and returning. I was on holidays. I didn't consider hot flushes, but now that I get mild ones, I think that's what it was. My periods started to change from then onwards.

Over the years I ve had perimenopausal cold sores, (seems to be an early/mid perimenopause symptom), I havnt had one in a while. They were painful!

During the last 6 months my chin hairs are coming through, strong and black.

My periods have been erratic over the last 3 years. The last 2 were spotting. I ve had 3 in total this year. I ve got achey hips and brain fog.

My libido spiked from 42 to 45, I loved male attention. Now I ve no interest in listening to men, or what they think of me. I m grossed out by many of them.

Thankfully I m not raging, but I have had waves of anxiety and I prefer to live a quiet life, and not engage in any gossip or drama.

I m looking forward to being out the other side, which hopefully will be soon.

So far it's been bearable for me.

Can you just request to be referred by your GP?

Have you tried hormone therapy?
Hormones do affect all your metabolism and wellbeing, not only your reproductive health.
Hoping you feel better soon.

I’m really not sure as I don’t live in the uk. We were in SE Asia and I decided to get a ‘full roadworthy’ as they say. Everything perfect. Bone density not amazing, not terrible. Average for my age. Moved countries 4 years later and decided to look into HRT because I was finding brain fog so debilitating. The Dr suggested a bone density scan and mine had fallen off a cliff. I have always been active. Mostly stuff like yoga, hiking, running. It was only then when I did a little research that I realised the importance of weight training. So try to do that 4 times a week and will test again in a couple of years. So yeah. A shock.

But yes, menopause absolutely can wreak havoc without you even realising. Heart health is another thing. Mine is fine, but again, it’s something that can creep up on you with no warning.

This is going to piss off quite a few people but my personal experience of those who just sailed through it are some of the most difficult, arsey, bombastic women I have ever met and I suspect they have always been this way. They probably returned to work mere hours after giving birth too.

I'm partly joking.

Apologies, haven’t rtft so maybe someone has already mentioned thyroid issues? If you haven’t yet, get thyroid bloods checked. There’s a lot of overlap of symptoms and it’s common for both to come on around the same time.

Tbh nearly all older women as in much older women struggle with UTI issues - the connection between that and VA has only recently been made

Its tiring but its other factors too. Last night warm was hard to sleep. Aging parents in mix too. Im 52. Just hard some days everyone wants you!

Interestingly, I did have my thyroid checked recently and it was OK.

I am prime peri age and also have an autoimmune condition (which I take medication for and the medication is a bit nasty) so often I don't even know what is causing my myriad of symptoms. Is my brain fog and exhaustion from my condition or my medication or is it peri? Or all 3? I have no bloody idea anymore.

I feel like my brain doesn't work the same way it used to? I have become rewired (and not in a good way). It's like my mind takes me on the longest route to get from A to B these days. I used to just 'do' things and now I find it takes me a lot longer to find the rational means to do things that I didn't even have to think about before? Even something as simple as meal planning or packing for holiday is mentally tasking.

It's all very odd.

Add to that I am a single parent and my youngest DC is disabled I feel like I don't stand a chance!

However I also have moments of calm and I feel a lot of gratitude (I stopped drinking completely 3 years ago and have recently started on a weight loss journey so I haven't quite given up the fight!)