To feel awful for not realising that menopause is so brutal?!

[yayoikusama]

I'm 37, and I was just diagnosed with premature ovarian insufficiency – basically I'm in premature menopause. Not even peri-menopause; my hormone levels are what you'd expect from someone post-menopause.

I've been feeling horrendous for months. Truly thought I was losing my mind.

Exhausted down to my bones, taking long naps every day because I just can't keep going.

My brain doesn't feel like my own. I can't think in straight lines, can't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes, sentences aren't coming out the way I want them to (and I write for a living so this is particularly painful).

I've been riding huge waves of sadness and anxiety (it doesn't help that the last two years have been really hard). My body is achy and tight. I feel like I'm living under a heavy cloud. And this is all completely aside from the 'premature' part of my diagnosis, which has pretty significant ramifications for my fertility.

I knew menopause sent you a bit emotionally haywire, and that you might forget words or have hot flushes, but I had no idea how utterly debilitating it could be.

And I'm completely shocked, now, that there are so many women out there battling daily life while feeling this way; that it's not made room for and explicitly supported in workplaces; that we're not treating it as the absolute earthquake that it can be.

It's made me realise the internalised misogyny I've been holding, because I feel shame about it and somehow less of a woman because I'm going through it early. Logically I know that's nonsense, but I can feel it bubbling.

I'm walking around looking at every woman I see, now, of usual menopausal age, doing normal things and holding everything together, and just wanting to give them a massive hug.

I know HRT can work wonders. And I know not everyone has such a brutal time of it, but I also know now that many of us do, and are just 'getting on with things' the way women are expected to, and it blows my mind.

If you've been through menopause, or you're in the thick of it now, did you feel prepared for what was coming? Did you know what it was really like, or did it shock you as much as it has me?

Edited to add: thought I was posting in AIBU – sorry for the weird thread title!

I was exactly like this but 41. Put my symptoms down to breastfeeding.

my Colleague said she was like that. Periods just stopped, no menopause symptoms. She is retirement age now and her brain still works far better than mine and I’m over 10 years younger. She’s sharp and her memory is fantastic and she never seems to have any anxiety or mood swings. And no, I don’t think she’s just hiding it because we discuss it openly and she says she’s never experienced any brain fog or mood issues at all.

So it wasn't menaupause or perimenaupause?

Personally no, never needed to see a doctor about my periods, rarely used hormonal contraception, no fertility issues or PMS. 6 straightforward pregnancies and births.
Never ever thought about the menopause.

It wasn’t too bad for me, but to be honest a lot of the problems with, for example, brain fog and mental agility that women describe, have been the case for me my whole life. I don’t mean that in any sort of flippant way. I suspect (boring cliche I know) ADHD. The inability to focus, losing stuff, impaired executive functioning, not being able to follow simple verbal instructions - to name but a few - all increased with the onset of perimenopause/menopause, but they were so familiar that it didn’t fizz on me as much as it might have. My lifelong horrendous sleep is slightly more horrendous. I had a handful of hot flushes. I had a few months of getting out of bed and feeling pain when my feet made contact with the floor. This seems to have resolved itself. It hasn’t been pleasant overall, but a couple of women I know have been absolutely and utterly floored by it. It’s definitely very much an individual thing.

It was perimenopause.

OP, just like everything in life, menopause is not the same for every woman. I'm sorry you are having a tough time, but a significant number of women have no issues. I didn't really notice it until my periods stopped at 56. That was it. I haven't seen a doctor for over 20 years, as there has been no need.
I accept that I am lucky, but please don't spread this narrative that every woman has a terrible time, because it's not true. The range of experiences is huge. We are all different.

It varies a lot, I’ve breezed through to this point but my mum didn’t have issues either. I work with older women (most members are 70+) and whilst a few had tough times during the menopause most say it really wasn’t bad at all, I’m wondering whether taking hrt is prolonging the misery, other factors are at play (eg still parenting small kids whereas years ago they weren’t) or perhaps just perhaps, only the women who have had problems post on internet forums, bit like child birth, no ones posts about easy births as not very interesting

@Disturbia81

not everyone suffers, I’ve not had issues and only time I saw medical professionals was for routine pregnancy

Envious of those that breeze through it and have had light painless regular periods all their life. My perimeno symptoms started quickly and compounded to become unbearable. HRT has been a godsend. My Mum is 15yrs post meno and still severe suffering hot flushes, they won't give her HRT because Gma had breast cancer.

Yes of course we're going to hear more from the women who suffer really badly.

Maybe we can just agree that those who do suffer will likely really suffer.

I had all breezy labours and deliveries, perfect non-velcro babies and breastfed my babies with ease. I wouldn't come on to a thread about how much someone is struggling with breastfeeding and/or a needy baby and go on about how I did everything so easily and 'please don't spread a negative narrative'.

I had this at 38 OP and felt awful for just not realising how fucking awful it is.
I am kind of through the other side now just as my friends are just starting to go through it
Worst bit for me was the effect it had on my fertility and the 50+ hot flushes a day kept reminding me of it - it's shit. But until you go through it, l don't think you can possibly know x

I hated the fact that EVERYTHING you go to the doctor about from 45 onwards becomes oh could be the menopause.
I had night sweats and fatigue at 52. Fobbed off with "your age, your hormones etc" No, it was not menopause, it was my heart. I had a heart attack at 53.

Then you are always thinking average age for meno is 51 .... still had periods at 57 and felt robbed somehow.

It's beyond awful. I went through it at 45 and even now in my 60s while not having sweats or anything any more, I'm suffering loss of any kind of libido, the very sight of a penis is enough to make me vomit. Luckily I'm divorced and single.
My brain has atrophied or something, I can barely do my job. I can't concentrate and it's a full on tough job.
In desperation I've called a private menopause clinic to see if testosterone will give me enough oomph to make it to retirement. Otherwise I'm fucked.

Thank you!

Early menopause hits so much harder than a natural menopause. It really is completely brutal. I had my ovaries removed years before I’d have reached menopause so my early menopause was literally overnight. It was like being hit by a truck. I can remember about a week after the op, I struggled to get up out of a chair as everything hurt so much. I felt like I’d become an 80 year old woman in a few days.

I felt so ashamed that I’d always thought menopause was just hot flushes and being a bit scatty and ratty. I had no idea.

Your body will adjust, but it takes time. I’m five years on and it’s still not great but nowhere near as bad as it was. I’ve been on HRT the whole time. I finally had my uterus removed last year so I no longer have to take progesterone and I feel better for that. I’m still on oestrogen and testosterone.

Lifestyle changes helped too. I’ve lost some weight (which is far more difficult now. I eat 1000 cals a day and still only lose 1/2lb a week) and have cut out sugar, alcohol and wheat. If I eat any of them now, I feel like absolute shit for days. Try and keep as active as you can, even a short walk will stop you seizing up. Sending you a big sweaty hug. x

It might be NOW - it certainly wasn't 25 years ago when I went into perimenopause.

Hey everyone and OP

Huge solidarity for what you’re going through, I strongly identify; especially the moods, severe rage and depression and lack of motivation :( it’s horrific

I’m 41 and just started hrt (25mg estrodot patch, then 200mg progesterone tablet for second half of each cycle)

I didn’t even bother with my GP, and their useless 8 minute appointments. luckily I could afford to see a private menopause specialist doctor for a 1 hour zoom call. It was SO helpful. She prescribed the HRT.

the doctor I saw was via Myla health and the consult was £280; WORTH EVERY PENNY.

The hrt is now prescribed by local gp, on nhs

i also recommend following Louise newsom and askdrnoor on instagram x

I have been so very very lucky to have got through almost without any symptoms. But, like a PP, I am a writer and I've found that my spelling and ability with words has fallen out through my feet. I sit in front of my laptop muttering 'what's the word for that thing...that feeling you have when you're... that THING' and all I can do is rely on my thesaurus to find the word I'm looking for.

This never used to happen. And add in my brain's penchant for writing phonetically sometimes (I typed 'howse' the other day, the shame nearly killed me) and I have to double and triple check manuscripts before I submit them. Never used to be like this...

That was the case for me and I can’t take HRT because of breast cancer at a young age. It broke me and I had to change job role after several years of trying to tough it out.

My special talent/skill is literacy and I've definitely suffered this since menopause.

Yes @VickyEadieofThigh that was just in response to the OP. I think the problem is that there are so many discussions on so many things all the time now that one can't really pay attention to everything at once. And various algorithms also play their part - I seem to see nothing but Davina McCall whenever I look!

Menopause can be awful. it also can be absolutely fine. Same with everything else.
The keys is to believe people, snd not assume you are the centre of the universe.
I personally don’t know anyone who had more than mild discomfort during menopause. but i know it’s possible, so will believe people who say so.

I had a partial hysterectomy at 43 which cured the excessively heavy periods but 20 years later I'm still suffering from overheating and just wonder when, if at all, it's ever going to end.

What didn't help me was a mother whose reply to me feeling like utter shit was, "Oh I had 2 heavy periods and that was it" or "People taking time off for the menopause - piece of nonsense"

Everybody's story is so different.

I'm walking around looking at every woman I see, now,... just wanting to give them a massive hug.

No hugs required here. Nothing bad happened to me because of menopause.
Not everyone has a difficult (peri)menopause.

I was born in '60s and can't remember a time when I didn't know that transition to menopause can be very challenging. It was taught to us a lot in primary school onwards, too.

People who are ill deserve support and sympathy, very true. i would like someone to articulate why menopause needs special targetted policies and attention that are separate from having policies/attention to support any/everyone else who is ill (for any reason) and needs support because of their illness.