To feel awful for not realising that menopause is so brutal?!

[yayoikusama]

I'm 37, and I was just diagnosed with premature ovarian insufficiency – basically I'm in premature menopause. Not even peri-menopause; my hormone levels are what you'd expect from someone post-menopause.

I've been feeling horrendous for months. Truly thought I was losing my mind.

Exhausted down to my bones, taking long naps every day because I just can't keep going.

My brain doesn't feel like my own. I can't think in straight lines, can't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes, sentences aren't coming out the way I want them to (and I write for a living so this is particularly painful).

I've been riding huge waves of sadness and anxiety (it doesn't help that the last two years have been really hard). My body is achy and tight. I feel like I'm living under a heavy cloud. And this is all completely aside from the 'premature' part of my diagnosis, which has pretty significant ramifications for my fertility.

I knew menopause sent you a bit emotionally haywire, and that you might forget words or have hot flushes, but I had no idea how utterly debilitating it could be.

And I'm completely shocked, now, that there are so many women out there battling daily life while feeling this way; that it's not made room for and explicitly supported in workplaces; that we're not treating it as the absolute earthquake that it can be.

It's made me realise the internalised misogyny I've been holding, because I feel shame about it and somehow less of a woman because I'm going through it early. Logically I know that's nonsense, but I can feel it bubbling.

I'm walking around looking at every woman I see, now, of usual menopausal age, doing normal things and holding everything together, and just wanting to give them a massive hug.

I know HRT can work wonders. And I know not everyone has such a brutal time of it, but I also know now that many of us do, and are just 'getting on with things' the way women are expected to, and it blows my mind.

If you've been through menopause, or you're in the thick of it now, did you feel prepared for what was coming? Did you know what it was really like, or did it shock you as much as it has me?

Edited to add: thought I was posting in AIBU – sorry for the weird thread title!

Really hope you can find your way to feeling balanced again @yayoikusama (and everyone else).💐

OP I agree with you, I had no idea how brutal menopause could be til now. I do think it’s likely hitting you harder as well due to the fact that it is shocking and unexpected, the impact on fertility and the fact that you’re out of step with your peers. I think most women who go through early menopause do find it very difficult to adjust psychologically let alone anything else.

I’m not even menopausal yet just perimenopausal but I am finding it absolutely debilitating. And I didn’t anticipate it would be this bad, because in my mother’s generation, it really wasn’t talked about in the same way. Although I asked my mum about it recently and apparently she’s one of those women who sails through menopause without noticing it (they do exist though I think they’re in the minority rather than the majority with the rest of us sitting somewhere on a spectrum of most to least awful).

I will say that I am someone who had horrendous depression triggered by menarche at age 15, and then got puerperal psychosis after having my only child. So I did have an inkling that I wouldn’t exactly sail through it but I still wasn’t expecting it to be this bad!

Mine was mild in comparison bit ues to the rages and the night sweats - wringing out the nighty sweats.

HRT worked for me and within a few days but that was not helped by the GP reluctance to prescribe and constant comments about it not being a long term fix, especially as I had cystic breast disease during the meno - a symptom of it exacerbated by HRT.

What really helped was seeing a consultant gynaecologist for a smear test (I have a reteoverted uterus so had given up using the practice nurse for this). He was wonderful, gave good advice and titrated the HRT dose with a combination of pills and patches, noting GPs tended to prescribe blanket HRT and the cheapest. He wrote to the GP stating what needed to be prescribed and why and there was not a peep out of them after that. One of the lady GPs had had the audacity to suggest that if Ingave up work (aged 50) I might find the the symptoms more manageable without HRT. She went red in the face when I asked if she'd be prepared to give up her career for the want of optimal treatment during the menopause and asked her reflect about what she was saying.

It was £350 very well spent.

Brutal was definitely how I experienced it. ADHD hit me too (had always been there but then became strange and unbearable). I felt horrible for how I'd viewed my mother-in-law during that time.

I couldn't use HRT, either. I did try. It wrecked me.

But I had a lot of support at home - and thank goodness. And now I'm a couple of years menopausal and my brain is back with me, my body feels better (just the sodding weight to lose: I piled on at least 3 stone).

Take heart, it does get better.

If anyone is reading this who is not yet menopausal: really do do do work to get your weight down and your muscle mass up, because honestly you won't believe how hard it becomes to lose weight, and that just might impact your life in a way it hasn't before. Heartfelt advice!

Love what you said to your GP. LOVE.

It was unexpected (I was only 45) and completely brutal for me. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening until I had a hot flush and put 2 and 2 together.

HRT was absolutely life changing. Without it, not everyone would have got out alive. I either would have killed myself or my husband and I definitely would have had to quit work. Now I have to go off it because of an early triple-positive breast cancer and I am dreading what happens next.

There's always at least one person who comes on these types of threads and tells women to STFU because they had it easy. Always.

I found a lot of stuff some women find difficult pretty easy. Like breastfeeding for example. But never would I go and tell off someone who found it hard.

I started peri in lock down. I didn't have the classic hot flushes or night sweats and my cycle was normal-ish. I'd never heard of peri menopause. It was another two years before I came across it. Meanwhile I'd dismissed my symptoms as everything under the sun, lockdown stress and long COVID.

I started HRT less than a week later and my symptoms were gone in days. I'd spent two years with brain fog, depression, anxiety, IBS symptoms, insomnia that could keep me awake 40 hrs and aching joints. I lost my job because my brain was so fuzzy I couldn't even think straight.

Not everyone wants HRT. If you're doing ok and managing symptoms that's great. There's no right or wrong approach but I lost two years and a ten year career to peri menopause. Yes, it can be very brutal and not just physically. My peri was a silent saboteur.

It will get easier I promise. I was diagnosed with exactly the same at 34. I was having to get changed sometimes 3/4 times during the night due to night sweats. I was told that I had to go on HRT until I'm at least 50 to support my bones, although I've never really stuck to any for any length of time...and I do have to say I've noticed a big decline in the strength of my joints so I do need to get back on the hrt or find a supplement. Anyway, if you're feeling too emotionally unbalanced then don't feel bad for going on hrt, that's what it's there for and your body needs these hormones at your age. Good luck and keep going back to the doctors if you do go on hrt and you still don't feel your usual self, it can take a while to get the right dose for you 💗 P.s, I'm 41 now x

i also had mystery symptoms in my late 30s, in my case I had young children and trying to hold down a demanding job.

I had scans for continuous bleeding, I was paranoid, had major imposter symptoms and rage. I thought I had a major mental and emotional breakdown heading my way. didn’t think for a moment it was menopause, as I was too young.

it was a (male) physio I was seeing for a shoulder problem and joint pain that gently asked about whether I was in peri as the pain was common. Then it all fell into place.

Luckily for me HRT worked a treat and I still think highly of that physiotherapist who spotted what GPs and gynaecologists did not.

I was so naive. I thought I would just manage through a few annoying symptoms and no way would I need HRT, I’d do it all natural. What a load of sh!t!
First came the flooding with periods every 2.5 weeks.
Having to time toilet breaks at work around changing super plus tampax and invest in thick period pants every 2 hours.
Then the uti symptoms came. Imagine feeling the pain of cystitis every day, all day for 6 months. It was horrendous. I dreaded going for a wee because I knew hours of pain would follow.
Next, the hot flushes, the heat would roll over me in the middle of an important work moment. Sweat would begin spouting from places I had no idea you could sweat from as I continued to try and look completely professional.
Then the exhaustion - going to bed as soon as I got home - and the migraines, 2-3 a week.
The other symptoms - the itching, the pain due to dryness…
Yes I went on HRT. No my GP did not help. After 7 courses of 5 day antibiotics, often prescribed over the phone I went private and saw a urogynaecologist, and a menopause specialist. I now pay for all my medications on prescription. I know I could ask the GP to prescribe some of them but I just lost trust. The consultant told me that one of the antibiotics I was given was for chest infections. I’ll stick with the specialists now.
Looking back I don’t know how I kept working. I completely understand why a woman in her 50’s might take early retirement.

Look into the role that interleukin 6 plays in menopausal symptoms. Trials have found high doses of vitamin C can lower levels and improve symptoms. ❤️

One interesting point to note is that aged 42/3 I started to have variable gaps between periods. I had a peri blood test and it came back negative. Aged 44 much longer gaps started and the night sweats arrived. I was done at 49. I have reservations about the accuracy of the test.

On a happier note, aged 65, and for quite a few years now, I no longer get headaches, I don't have to wash my hair every other day, my breadts don't get heavy and sore, there are no more hormonal related mood swings, I don't sweat half as much as I used to and there is no mid month discharge causing wetness and stickiness.

No, actually she is obese with type 2 diabetes.

Please don't feel awful, none of us know what it's really like until we're in it. My own mother didn't realise how hard hers had been until my sister and I hit it, she had thought a lot of her symptoms were just 'life'.

I'm sick of it now, the loss of confidence, the brain fog, the anxiety. It can fuck off.

Same OP, I hadn’t realised even half of it before this year, having been preoccupied with stressful pregnancies and parenting while self-employed (also massively stressful in pretty much every way).

I am now in the early peri rage rollercoaster. My poor husband. But not really. I’ve asked him to read some articles and watch short reels about peri/menopause and matrescence as this all completely blindsided me but no joy.

The strength of women to endure never ceases to amaze me.

Exactly! Every celebrity in the country is talking about it for a start! So
much so, I’m fed up listening to
it!

I had the same thing, started at 36 too. At 47 I don’t have periods anymore (more than a year) but I still get hot flushes.

Oh @Cliffedge25 I love your attitude! Kicking the arse out of life! You keep it up, you are amazing and don't let anyone tell you any different! Everything @yayoikusama said was absolutely true. I'm only 41 but my hair is still falling out in handfuls, had severe anxiety, weepy and depressed one minute through to serious almost psychotic rage when someone wronged me, to the point where I nearly got in trouble with the law which is so different to my normal personality!!!! Night sweating, teenage hormonal spots around my mouth and chin, drier skin, hairier face, insomnia, bladder issues, brain fog, tiredness, period flooding. The only good thing has been a wild and insatiable sex drive around ovulation time, but honestly that can also be a bad thing at times! 😬 Oh and I also work full time with two kids, one a toddler so lots going on in life. How are we supposed to just carry on as normal and cope?! Maybe it was ok back in the 50s when women were mostly SAHM and could hide away from society if necessary! Doctor has put me on Duloxetene which is an antidepressant recommended for menopause which is pretty awesome so far, some side effects such as sleepiness and dry mouth but my god I'm almost back to my old self mood wise so I recommend trying this, my sense of humour was back within a few weeks. I am also getting tested to check if mirena coil will work for the heavy periods and I also understand this helps you get the HRT later if I need to go onto this. I have not managed to get a doctor to agree to test my hormone levels yet as they all think I'm too young, I have to point out to them this is the age it can happen and that I only have one ovary (removed at 16 due to a cyst!). They all think that doesn't influence it but who really knows. Seems the science is so poorly understood around menopause!

I totally agree - but I don't think that's what the poster you quoted was doing. She is allowed to share that she didn't suffer or have bad symptoms and that's fine. She's not shouting down the OP or telling her to shut up.

There are though lots of women who DO do that, say that HRT is harmful and everyone should just be vegan and do yoga and that'd sort it.

It has certainly come as a surprise to me.

I am finding it really difficult as I have recently had a work promotion, I still feel young and I have always been really healthy - but it’s as though someone has “unplugged” me.

I have stage 4 breast cancer, had my ovaries removed and I'm on hormone treatments which made me have early menopause. I struggled with hot flushes for the 1st few years, changing the bed sometimes twice a night cos I was soaking wet, it was thoroughly miserable.

A woman in one of my cancer groups mentioned a drug called Oxybutynin and I swear I've not had a single hot flush since I started it. It's a drug for women suffering with an irritable bladder but one of the side effects is that it cures hot flushes.

I asked my gp who hadn't heard that it could be used for flushes, but as long as she could find nhs literature supporting this (which she did when she typed it into her computer) she was happy to prescribed it to me.

I shout it from the rooftops wherever I go cos I don't want women suffering when this could help them and it seems like it's not that well known.

I'm on 2.5mg 1 tablet a day which I think is the lowest dose but you can take more if needed as I used to take 2 per day at first. Since I've been on it I've slept through unless I've woken because of pain.

Really hope this can help like it helped me.

There are times when the rage is so awful
I try to keep it in bit it every now and then I just explode. I’m like a teen slamming doors, swearing.

Not knowing or if I’ll get a period 113 is the most days between. Wearing sani towel just in case.
Sweating like I’m in a shower!

Bloody awful

Wow.

Thank you all, so much, for sharing what things have been like for you – both the rough and the more hopeful.

I haven't seen my mother in 10 years, and haven't heard from her in 7, so being able to listen and learn from women further ahead in life means a lot, on many levels. I'm really moved by what many of you are going through, and how smart and thoughtful a lot of these responses have been.

To be clear, I did say in my OP that I know it's not this bad for everyone, and my intention is certainly not to scaremonger. I’m just in shock at how much I underestimated what it could be like.

And those of you who seem to be offended by my urge to give other women who might be going through this a hug... I'm not sure why it's touched such a nerve for you, but don't worry, I promise I'm retracting that statement for you😂

@Disturbia81 I'm not on HRT yet – I have an appointment in a couple of weeks to start exploring my options. Really hoping I'm one of the people it makes a big difference for. I think you're right – the more I research this, the more it seems that while perimenopause is a slower, more rollercoastery experience, POI is a bit of an all-at-once deal, and I'm feeling utterly battered by it.

And @Pizzagirly I'll be looking into everything you mentioned; supplements and more holistic lifestyle approaches seem like they're an important part of all of this. Thank you so much for such a comprehensive set of recommendations!

If you have poi you need to be on hrt for cardiovascular and bone health because it means you've stopped making the usual hormones long before the normal time.

As you say this isn't just peri it's full post menopausal in 30s. You'll get lots of replies from people who are peri but poi is it's own different thing and needs specialist advice. Look at Daisy network.