To feel awful for not realising that menopause is so brutal?!

[yayoikusama]

I'm 37, and I was just diagnosed with premature ovarian insufficiency – basically I'm in premature menopause. Not even peri-menopause; my hormone levels are what you'd expect from someone post-menopause.

I've been feeling horrendous for months. Truly thought I was losing my mind.

Exhausted down to my bones, taking long naps every day because I just can't keep going.

My brain doesn't feel like my own. I can't think in straight lines, can't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes, sentences aren't coming out the way I want them to (and I write for a living so this is particularly painful).

I've been riding huge waves of sadness and anxiety (it doesn't help that the last two years have been really hard). My body is achy and tight. I feel like I'm living under a heavy cloud. And this is all completely aside from the 'premature' part of my diagnosis, which has pretty significant ramifications for my fertility.

I knew menopause sent you a bit emotionally haywire, and that you might forget words or have hot flushes, but I had no idea how utterly debilitating it could be.

And I'm completely shocked, now, that there are so many women out there battling daily life while feeling this way; that it's not made room for and explicitly supported in workplaces; that we're not treating it as the absolute earthquake that it can be.

It's made me realise the internalised misogyny I've been holding, because I feel shame about it and somehow less of a woman because I'm going through it early. Logically I know that's nonsense, but I can feel it bubbling.

I'm walking around looking at every woman I see, now, of usual menopausal age, doing normal things and holding everything together, and just wanting to give them a massive hug.

I know HRT can work wonders. And I know not everyone has such a brutal time of it, but I also know now that many of us do, and are just 'getting on with things' the way women are expected to, and it blows my mind.

If you've been through menopause, or you're in the thick of it now, did you feel prepared for what was coming? Did you know what it was really like, or did it shock you as much as it has me?

Edited to add: thought I was posting in AIBU – sorry for the weird thread title!

This.

a recent thread here a poster described her work colleagues as “a team of perimenopausal women”, implying that this meant her younger male manager faced difficulties due to this. Nothing about their work abilities, their whole identity was menopause.

as a teenager I had serious PTSD dismissed as “hormones” and not one person went beyond rolling their eyes and muttering “teenagers”. What happened to me was open knowledge, yet every single adult in my life chose to believe that I was more affected by my hormones than a serious life event.

i worry that menopause will end up the same. Where older women are ignored and opinions dismissed. Medically as well, yes menopause may be taken more seriously, but how many women are being sent away with HRT and signs of more serious issues ignored?

I'm not sure I can tell how awful peri is for me, life is so horrendously stressful with 2 children that are being failed by the education system and an absolute tosser of an ex husband that I'm permanently on the brink of collapse. I assume the hrt is helping and without it I'd disintegrate.

I agree.

it's undeniable that hormones affect a lot of women negatively, but I get so irritated by the excuse "I'm feeling hormonal" for everything that goes wrong in a woman's life. It's the same as playing the poor mental health card for bad behaviour and eventually it becomes counter productive.

What enrages me on top of everything else, and God knows there's a lot of everything else, is the dismissal of menopausal symptoms as something that make some women 'go a bit funny'. Usually it's from older men, who might have witnessed a partner or family member having a hard time, and they think they're being enlightened to acknowledge it. A bit funny! As if it's some kind of character flaw that they have to put up with. That a better woman might be able to overcome with a bit of gumption.

Same experience here for me and my family - grandmother, mother, aunts, sisters, cousins etc

None of us have suffered and we are all fit and healthy.

The things that we have in common are

Vegetarian for all or most of our lives.
None of us have ever been overweight.
All very active and outdoors a lot.
None of us ever took the contraceptive pill.

I don’t know if any of those factors are relevant or not but more research is needed as to why some women suffer and others don’t.

I thought I was going mad. Couldn't do the job that I loved. Emails made no sense, had panic attacks on a Monday morning and the sheer exhaustion was so debilitating. I ended up leaving my job at 53. I'd no idea that it was tge menopause that was causing it. There is virtually no support or understanding for women in the workplace.

I would like someone to articulate why menopause needs special targetted policies and attention that are separate from having policies/attention to support any/everyone else who is ill (for any reason) and needs support because of their illness.

Because of the systematic neglect of medical issues which affect only women, especially this one, which affects 50% of the population. From what I've read, GPs' training barely mentions menopause, and women are routinely either fobbed off when they need HRT (and sometimes just given antidepressants) or told 'Oh it's probably just menopause' when they have symptoms which are quite likely something else. Huge numbers of menopausal women quit their careers (and many are probably managed out) because of problems caused by menopause.

The insomnia is crippling me. Nothing works and I’ve been waking up very couple of hours through the night for well over a year now. I’ve got enough energy to do what I need to do but no more. I honestly sometimes think I just can’t be arsed to carry on. I saw a job which would be a really nice promotion for me but I just thought there is no way I can cope right now.

I find the relish with which some women take on this (peri)menopausal identity and push it on others rather depressing. I'd hate any team I was on to be described as 'a team of perimenopausal women'. Absolutely strips away any individuality, and if this thread has anything made clear, it's that even if we put aside the fact women have identities beyond their menopausal status, menopause itself is very individual. You really shouldn't assume someone at a given age is stuck in the perimenopausal trenches.

I'm really glad this isn't so much of a taboo now and can be discussed, but personally I don't want to be filed away under 'middle-aged woman - key characteristic = perimenopause'.

Upthread there is a post stating that a woman in her 40s shouldn't expect to do her job as easily as she did in her 20s or a man - I'm in my 40s and, no, am not finding it harder to do my job that men my age. That may come (or it may not), but we really shouldn't assume that all women 40+ are going through a particular experience or struggling at work. How this is helpful, I cannot see.

Magnesium glycerate has really game changed this for me. So worth trying.

Agree. I'm better at my job than I've ever been.

I do feel for those who have found it very difficult. But I think that younger women reading this should also know that it isn't like that for all women. There's been plenty of variation among my friends. I'm 53, so presumably having some hormonal changes by now. It's hard to know exactly as I have a Mirena so haven't had periods for years and years. In the last few months I've just started having a few hot flushes (though that might also be to do with how warm it has been this year!). But that's really the only noticeable change, and not that bad at all.

but more research is needed as to why some women suffer and others don’t

I agree.

I'm 67. It's only 15 years ago but I don't recall anyone talking about it at the time, yet my contemporaries must have been going through it. I don't remember anything untoward until my periods stopped at 52. I then had two years of the most intense hot flushes, day and night, every half hour at random, whenever I ate or drank, whenever I went from one room to another. It was difficult at work.
I had a mirena throughout.
I never saw a doctor as I perceived it as a normal process, plus I didn't want HRT because of the breast cancer risk. Fast forward 10 years and I had breast cancer and osteoporosis.
Of course there's no guarantee HRT would have prevented osteoporosis butI would like to have known that it had benefits. My grandmother had horrific osteoporosis.

Many, many women I know would say they never fully got rid of the hot flushes. It's as though the thermostat is permanently changed.

Having said all the above I firmly believe that too many random symptoms are attributed to menopause. It's very easy to hang everything on it and I wonder how many illnesses are missed because the symptoms are dismissed as menopause.

I had premature menopause at 39, I remember feeling that it was the first time my body had let me down and back then (10 years ago) the lack of knowledge that my GPs had. I had to go private to get help. I only told close family as, like you I felt shame. Quite sad really.

I agree that some women have no symptoms at all, both my sister in laws were like that but if younger women just had the knowledge that these things May happen, they would be some what prepared and realise that some women have a harder experience then others and wouldn't go through the frankly, shock of being thrown into confusion, fear and not knowing where to turn.

I think some of us just get the shitty end of the stick.

Menopause is a permanent state, it is not somethng "you go through". The oestrogren supply doesnt go up, it continues to go down. For the rest of your life.
I was fine for 10 years and felt quite smug, then it suddenly got a hell of a lot worse.

Those fine at 53, may not be in 10 years time.

Empathy OP.

Might want to read it again and it's not the only post by that poster on this thread.

Get HRT now, don't try and tough it out, it will take a little while to work but you will feel so much better. Good luck OP

My mum had a horrendous menopause, lots of rage and falling out with lots of family members (plus I was a hormonal teenager at the time which didn’t help matters!!). Those were the days of HRT scares so she didn’t take it.

I vowed I’d never put my family or myself through what my mum went through but I am now 42 and started getting symptoms about 3 years ago and thought I was too young and just actually thought I was really losing my mind/nervous breakdown type thing, ended up closing my small business as couldn’t cope with what I was going through... so yes totally unprepared and didn’t recognise the signs!
luckily am able to take action and got myself back on track to some extent now thank god!!

I wonder how many women in history have had ‘nervous breakdowns’ or been committed when actually it was just menopause??

I don’t know if any of those factors are relevant or not but more research is needed as to why some women suffer and others don’t.

I remember Mariella Frostrup's programme on menopause, and one thing I found fascinating was when she went to Japan and found that hardly any women even knew what menopause was. Either Japanese women are incredibly stoical or maybe there are factors in their lifestyle and diet that drastically reduce symptoms.

I was also lucky and got through virtually unscathed.

I'm really struggling with vaginal atrophy at the moment despite using vagifem pessaries for over 18 months.
What I find quite puzzling is there everyone's eostrogen drop eventually but not everyone gets VA. It seems very complex as to why we all experience it differently.

I’ve been lucky it has been pretty much a non event. Occasional days of anxiety, not amazing sleep and a bit of feeling bloated

Ive always been slim too. I still am, I guess, but heavier than I used to be and I can see how weight can creep up so easily when you’re not paying attention. I drink alcohol. Not excessively, but I do drink. A year ago I got Covid and went completely off it, couldn’t bear the taste. Then suddenly the urge for a glass of wine came back, and so did that 3 kg. I’ve done some experimenting and when I stop drinking, the weight comes off. Now I’m talking a few glasses of wine a week. Not much at all. But it seems to have a significant effect.

My mum also had a reasonably easy time of it and she attributes it to a veggie diet since her teens. I have no idea whether that has any scientific basis but that’s what she thinks!