Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

Another option OP is to be cheerily passive-aggressive. Post in your group chat.

“Just seen the photos of DSiS birthday lunch! Looks amazing - hope BIL handed over the present I organised ok 😀 Can you add me to the party-planning WhatsApp group? I’ve obviously been missed off as this is the second birthday lunch that’s been organised without me - it’s a bit shit to be honest so can you add me to the group now so it doesn’t happen again? Thanks! ☺️ “

Then do the smile and wave/ grey rock the lot of them.

Do you have younger children? I’ve see loads of threads on where the family member is kicking off about their children not being invited and it being a family meal. Most posters back them up saying, don’t go to a pub or a place that accepts children if you don’t want any.

It could be that she wanted an all adult party. If she had invited you but not your children, you would have made a fuss and created a drama about you. Then she would have felt obliged to invite them and she could have seen it that the drama will overshadow her birthday.

This way, by not inviting you, she can deal with the drama post event.

Agreed. Not in the same league but I knew my sister had been grumbling on quietly about large sums of money she thought mum had given DB and me. (She hadn't). I spoke to sister directly, explained clearly and the whole problem went away.
I know it's not the same but sometimes straight talking is needed.

It’s really not. Not least because this has happened twice now and the family know how upsetting the first time was.

There is no way this can have happened accidentally. It was planned for whatever reason. It involved setting up separate family communication channels not including the OP, everyone being told not to mention it to her in advance, and then the deliberate posting of photos on social media to humiliate her. If they just wanted a quiet meal without her and for her never to have found out, the photos could have been shared on their secret what’s app group.

The mum when planning the meet up on Monday, if not sworn to secrecy would of course have been saying “but of course I’ll see you before then at the family dinner”. The BIL would have said “don’t bother having the gift sent to me, just bring it with you for dinner”. They all knew and both the mother and the sister are instrumental in the exclusion because it happened for both of their special events. For whatever reason, they are the primary orchestrators. Continuing to ask why (when no proper explanation was given the first time they did it) is just giving them satisfaction that their cruelty has been felt.

This is a shit thing to happen to you, not once but at least twice that you know of. I have a similarly toxic family but nothing as blatant as this. Mine are usually more sneaky where it’s difficult to call it out but if there’s one “positive” here, there’s no doubt this is exactly what it looks like and you don’t have to wonder aybu. I hope that makes it easier for you to protect yourself from them when you know it’s not you, it’s them.

I think I’d arrive on her doorstep tbh. Face to face it’s harder to lie.

Be direct - I saw pics on social media of DSis big birthday get together. I would love to have come. Why was I not invited?

The answers will help you decide what to do next.

Its a crappy thing to have done to you, twice! Weird agenda going on here. They decide you can’t attend because you work or are busy or live too far away takes your choice away. Think about what value they add to your life. Your feelings are very valid here x

Personally I wouldn’t want it to eat away at me, so I’d have to ask the question. I’d call your DSis to check she received the gift that you ordered for her, then I’d ask without emotion why she chose not to invite you to her birthday meal. You don’t need to react, get angry, argue etc. Just say ok, and that you hoped she had a nice birthday, and then leave it at that. This way you haven’t let it slide but also haven’t blown up the family. The ball is in their court to mend it.

Id also tell your mom you need to re-arrange Monday and then wait for your family to run around after you. Take a step back and protect your peace.

yes. Tend to agree that I would do this. But I’d also ask sister if she liked her present.

This is awful OP. I'd ask nicely on the WhatsApp group why you weren't invited. Once all the shitty excuses start to come in then I would reply politely and leave the group. Walk away with your head held high.

The fact she bought her sister a birthday present with her siblings but no one mentioned the party to her tells me that
1- it was deliberate
2- whoever didn’t want the OP to be there told everyone and they were happy to oblige

Im assuming @50FreezeOut1 that you were invited by your other siblings for their own b’days? Which would make me think it’s coming from your dsister and they didn’t want a fight with her.

Having said that, I would pull your sister up on her behaviour.
What happened with your mum can be explained away to the wider family. But this time, it was a very clear ‘Im not inviting her’ message. She is going to struggle to wriggle out of it this time.
im also wondering if there’s another sibling or family member you could talk to privately to try and get to the bottom of it.

Can’t lie, I’d be devastated. I’d have to ask directly why I was excluded. There must be another WhatsApp group for this to have escaped the OP’s notice. Reminds me of the thread where the OP saw wedding pictures with the entire family there and wasn’t told. Anyone remember? Was there an eventual outcome there?

Really feel for you @50FreezeOut1 if my sisters did that to me I’d be gutted. From your post it sounds like you are keen and an organiser like initiating should we do lunch/ sorting present etc not in a bad way but I feel if I was you I would just say it doesn’t suit to meet your DM Monday and distant yourself for a wee while. I think that will speak volumes as in don’t fall out just be in the background for a few months if they care they will notice and that can be when you mention well to be honest when use did lunch for DM birthday use know I was hurt but then to do dinner as a family and exclude me again really made me realise what you all think of me/my family x

I do wonder if there is an historical context that surrounds these exclusions, especially as you weren't invited to mother's big sit down lunch....why would any mother exclude one of her children to that unless there was and is a reason. However, you sound nice and personable so assuming that there isn't something in the cupboard you aren't acknowledging, don't recognise or don't even know about. I'd tackle it thus: I wouldn't turn up for the meeting with your mother, I wouldn't phone her or alert her as to why, should she then follow up, I'd tell her I'd forgotten, I've got some difficult issues/problems that I'm dealing with, this is not an untruth given what you've related here, but tell her I can't discuss them, just be suitably evasive. Let her worry and fret and feel uneasy, most mothers would if they were met by a wall of silence for a child who appears to not be themselves, because that's what she has done to you, by extension in this latest debacle. Even if she wasn't complicit in that, she certainly was excluding you from her birthday lunch. I'd then phase out most of my contact with your family, keeping it down to the bare minimum with a subliminal message "I'm dealing with problems" let them speculate as to what they are, if they contact you, by phone, I'd say, "I just can't talk about any of this now, I'm on my way out" or better still if their name comes up on your mobile, just don't reply. Neither would I respond to WhatsApps or emails. Pass the fretting bucket on to them. Look to your friends and immediate family for comfort and good times. Remember the old adage, we don't get to choose our family. Good luck with moving on with the lowest, barely a presence at all contact.

I’m not keen on the idea of sorting things out by WhatsApp.

yes it’s ‘easier’ and less confrontational on the OP’s pov.

It’s also much easier to not answer questions, much easier for them to distance themselves from hurting the OP and generally will not lead to solving the issue. Very simply because to solve the situation and get to the bottom of it, you need some back and forth and a conversation.

I’d spreak to them and say you’re feeling a bit hurt. It could have been that originally it was mainly friends and the family got added in gradually or something. I don’t know. But you’re totally reasonable to feel hurt and I think the kindest way of handling it is to give them a chance to explain or just plain apologise.

The first time this happened could be seen as an oversight. The second time? Absolutely not, especially as you were the one organizing the present with the knowledge and involvement of siblings....
I don't see any benefit in texting or messaging the whatsapp group, you'll probably just be met by a wall of silence. I'd be phoning the sister, and if it wasn't her that organized the meal, finding out who did, and challenging them.
For me, I would be done. As someone mentioned up thread, I bet you'd be first on the list if either of your parents need any care.
I wouldn't come up with an excuse for not seeing your mum tomorrow, I just wouldn't be contacting her. If she contacts you, you could ask her about the meal, or not return her calls, depending on how you feel.

That is horrible OP. I couldn't cope with that. There is no excuse for that behaviour.

If it was me I wouldn't be seeing my mum , would make up some reason why. Then step back from all of them to decide how I wanted to proceed with contact / family relationships going forward.
Probably alot less investment and alot more distance.

Honestly, I think you need to be absolutely direct with all of them and ask them why they have deliberately excluded you from two big family events?

As adults they obviously realise how upset their behaviour towards you makes you feel and you don’t understand why they’d want to deliberately hurt you like this?

You have to make them explain themselves to you and every one of them must acknowledge that they’ve caused you a lot of harm. Until this happens, you cannot continue to have any meaningful relationship with any of them going forwards.

I wasn’t surprised when you said they were all right wing Tory types.
It’s “I’M ALRIGHT JACK and FUCK THE REST OF YOU” with that sort.

A lot of people here are saying to not ask. This is something that women do too much to save face and for pride. They then continue to question and dwell on it. I think you need to go full man here and be straight with them. Confront head on or you won’t ever know.

Agree with this approach.
They clearly have a separate WhatsApp group to arrange meet ups and then make sure you see their outings.
I’d call this spiteful bullying behaviour, possibly provoked by jealousy?

So what you’re suggesting is to go cold Turkey and be NC with her whole family.

Thats extreme not the least because, wo knowing the ins and outs, it might be Theres an issue with the big sister but none with the ither siblings. Or the OP’s father etc….
The OP would also loose her extended family. Because who would keep contact with someone who just cuts people off wo a word?

That’s a hell of a big step for a birthday party

I would ask my sister why I was not invited - face to face.

I certainly wouldn’t have been able to keep my mouth shut.
As soon as I saw the photos, I’d have said something like, ‘Looks like you all had a great time. Shame I wasn’t invited YET AGAIN’. Make them look stupid and nasty to others.
I’d probably post on the family WhatsApp group too. Oh and I’d be telling your mum you won’t be seeing her on Monday.
I do have a tendency to address things head on though.
Who cares if you please or offend them? They didn’t care about offending you!

@50FreezeOut1 there is no family unit as far as you’re concerned. So what would you be blowing up? I would raise this as pp have suggested in the group WhatsApp and I’ve you’re not satisfied with the reason, leave the group and step back. I’d also be postponing your visit to your mum for a bit. She may have been powerless to invite you but her silence was collusion.