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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to DSis big birthday

614 replies

50FreezeOut1 · 19/07/2025 22:42

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

OP posts:
TwoBoysTooMany76 · 20/07/2025 09:09

@50FreezeOut1 I would say all things being equal… your family hates the idea of you breaking away from the ‘30-minute’ family radius (as that might suggest other things more important than them!) and punishing you for it. You won’t change them but you can change your reaction to them. All the best, they are not worth the grief if this is how petty they are!

Maddy70 · 20/07/2025 09:11

gamerchick · 19/07/2025 22:46

It's on all of them tbh. Your mother included.

I would be cancelling seeing her Monday and telling her that you'll be processing being excluded by all of them for a bit.

Dramatic much ..... It's not the mum's fault is it?
I would ask your sister tbh (she's obviously entitled to invite who she wants) is their a reason such as you're a vegan and they went to a meat restaurant for her birthday? Or are you a picky eater and fuss over menus?
It seems very odd to me that you were excluded, I would also be very hurt but I would want answers if you have upset her , find out why

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 09:11

MoveOverToTheSea · 20/07/2025 09:05

So what you’re suggesting is to go cold Turkey and be NC with her whole family.

Thats extreme not the least because, wo knowing the ins and outs, it might be Theres an issue with the big sister but none with the ither siblings. Or the OP’s father etc….
The OP would also loose her extended family. Because who would keep contact with someone who just cuts people off wo a word?

That’s a hell of a big step for a birthday party

Show quote history

The thing is though that the whole family (knowing the acute distress this caused first time) was prepared to inflict it on the OP for a second time to placate the big sis, if she’s the instigator. So they have picked their side. It wouldn’t have been hard when this started to be planned for other family members to say they wanted no part of it, that they loved both sisters and would stay neutral, not attend the party but do something one on one with the birthday girl instead.

If you haven’t been the victim of this kind of toxic family politics, you really have no idea what it’s like I’m afraid. My experience also is that things get worse rather than better. If OP doesn’t “learn her place” by this exclusion, the next unpleasant experience to be dished out will be likely to be even more vicious and calculated to devastate her.

Viviennemary · 20/07/2025 09:11

holachicatita · 20/07/2025 08:56

This is awful OP. I'd ask nicely on the WhatsApp group why you weren't invited. Once all the shitty excuses start to come in then I would reply politely and leave the group. Walk away with your head held high.

I would not demean myself by asking the shitty mean bunch that are meant to be my family for an explanation. Ignore for the foreseeable future.

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 09:13

Maddy70 · 20/07/2025 09:11

Dramatic much ..... It's not the mum's fault is it?
I would ask your sister tbh (she's obviously entitled to invite who she wants) is their a reason such as you're a vegan and they went to a meat restaurant for her birthday? Or are you a picky eater and fuss over menus?
It seems very odd to me that you were excluded, I would also be very hurt but I would want answers if you have upset her , find out why

Show quote history

Mum is by no means blameless in all this. The first exclusion if you read back was actually the mum’s birthday lunch and mum also knew that OP wasn’t invited to this party but nonetheless chose to attend it and to keep it secret from the OP beforehand.

lazyarse123 · 20/07/2025 09:13

Anonimummy · 20/07/2025 02:14

I’m sorry OP. They are deliberately excluding you as evident from your DM’s lunch that you’ve updated on. Not even given a thank you for your sister’s birthday gift as well and your other siblings didn’t mention the birthday get together despite contributing to the present. No way that was a mistake.

Who do you think is driving this in your family?

They obviously wanted you to find out, and be upset, otherwise why post the pics on a platform they knew you would see them on?

I’d be inclined to post a message on the group WhatsApp along the lines of

‘Well, well, well, another family event
I’ve been excluded from. I don’t know what I’ve done to upset you all that would make you behave like this, you knew it would hurt me and obviously wanted it to which is why you’ve tried to rub my nose in it with the pictures, this is not how a decent family behaves so from now I’ll let you carry on without me and remove myself from this group and this family. Monday’s cancelled btw Mum and I hope Sis50’s present is a constant reminder of what a nasty bitch she was to her sister. Fuck you Freeze xx

I would t give a shit about being blamed for ‘destroying the family’. They don’t sound much of one and I’d have to get what I wanted to say out no matter the consequences.

I agree totally with this. You really have nothing to lose. If they're upset so what? You're upset and they don't seem to care.

CutFlowers · 20/07/2025 09:16

Do you know if it was you that they wanted to exclude. Do you have a husband or children they perceive as difficult? Just wondering as it is such a strange thing to do.

Horses7 · 20/07/2025 09:17

Anonimummy · 20/07/2025 02:14

I’m sorry OP. They are deliberately excluding you as evident from your DM’s lunch that you’ve updated on. Not even given a thank you for your sister’s birthday gift as well and your other siblings didn’t mention the birthday get together despite contributing to the present. No way that was a mistake.

Who do you think is driving this in your family?

They obviously wanted you to find out, and be upset, otherwise why post the pics on a platform they knew you would see them on?

I’d be inclined to post a message on the group WhatsApp along the lines of

‘Well, well, well, another family event
I’ve been excluded from. I don’t know what I’ve done to upset you all that would make you behave like this, you knew it would hurt me and obviously wanted it to which is why you’ve tried to rub my nose in it with the pictures, this is not how a decent family behaves so from now I’ll let you carry on without me and remove myself from this group and this family. Monday’s cancelled btw Mum and I hope Sis50’s present is a constant reminder of what a nasty bitch she was to her sister. Fuck you Freeze xx

I would t give a shit about being blamed for ‘destroying the family’. They don’t sound much of one and I’d have to get what I wanted to say out no matter the consequences.

I’d do this - just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life.
My response would be a bit of a nuclear option but then I wouldn’t want relationships with people who treated me like this. The fact they are family makes it 100x worse.
I’m sorry you’ve got such awful relatives, ditch them.

Bunnycat101 · 20/07/2025 09:21

Exclusion can be more painful than outright or overt unkind behaviour. For it to have happened twice does make it sound deliberate.

tuvamoodyson · 20/07/2025 09:22

ApiratesaysYarrr · 20/07/2025 08:07

No, you haven't missed that, but you might have missed OP's update where her mother excluded her from a previous event, so obviously this is a family pattern.

With that update , Op I wouldn't bother sending any of those messages suggested as the answers are not likely to give you peace. I would withdraw though, mute the family WA group, politely decline the occasions where members of the family deign to invite you somewhere/suggest meeting up with you.

You won't be breaking up the family - they have already splintered you off from the "inner circle". Keep your dignity intact.

Show quote history

I did miss that….

Figcherry · 20/07/2025 09:22

@50FreezeOut1 sorry but your dm and sisters are nasty people.
I would be concentrating on a life that doesn’t include them and yet have a bit of fun by leaving’hints’ that you have had a windfall of some sort and see how popular you suddenly become.

1apenny2apenny · 20/07/2025 09:31

Similar happened to me OP. I confronted DM and DF and they denied and lied about it (it wasn’t family gathering related), would not apologise despite me clearly having proof. It was the icing on the cake so I simply stepped back. I didn’t want to go no contact, in fairness my situation wasn’t anywhere near as distressing and horrible as yours, so I do everything on my terms with the very basic effort.

Im not sure what the answer is here, you must be so upset. The thing that has helped me is to focus on and prioritise myself and my family, and get on and live my life. I pick and choose what I discuss with DPs keeping them at arms length. If I do get invited I pick and choose what I attend.

Cantbelieveit888 · 20/07/2025 09:32

This is awful and not very nice. Even if you lived further away as a sibling you would expect to be invited.

My guess is they don’t enjoy spending time with you for what ever reason and don’t want to invite you. It’s all rather bizarre if there is no back story and you are generally a nice person.

I would directly ask my sister and just say why wasn’t I invited… I’m hurt and sad I wasn’t considered. If you don’t speak up they will just continue this behaviour - and if after speaking to them about it and they still continue to exclude I would start to slowly withdraw.

Pipsquiggle · 20/07/2025 09:33

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 08:45

It’s really not. Not least because this has happened twice now and the family know how upsetting the first time was.

There is no way this can have happened accidentally. It was planned for whatever reason. It involved setting up separate family communication channels not including the OP, everyone being told not to mention it to her in advance, and then the deliberate posting of photos on social media to humiliate her. If they just wanted a quiet meal without her and for her never to have found out, the photos could have been shared on their secret what’s app group.

The mum when planning the meet up on Monday, if not sworn to secrecy would of course have been saying “but of course I’ll see you before then at the family dinner”. The BIL would have said “don’t bother having the gift sent to me, just bring it with you for dinner”. They all knew and both the mother and the sister are instrumental in the exclusion because it happened for both of their special events. For whatever reason, they are the primary orchestrators. Continuing to ask why (when no proper explanation was given the first time they did it) is just giving them satisfaction that their cruelty has been felt.

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@Katrinawaves
It really will come across as just 'flouncing off'. It will also mean that the family will forever 'blame' OP and never face into their own appalling behaviour.

I have seen this before. A friend of mine moved away from her family, about 30 mins away. They suddenly just stopped inviting her to events as THEY thought it was too far for her to travel. She wasn't invited to loads of stuff. Once she heard she wasn't invited to another family birthday and everyone else was there. She really kicked off to her family a week later (pre WhatsApp) when she round at her parents' house. They genuinely had no idea she was so upset and they genuinely thought that 30 mins was too far to travel. The point she made, is that you invite everyone and then she makes the decision if it's too far.

OP should have dialogue and discussion and then she can decide to go 'no contact' if she wants

PeppermintPatty10 · 20/07/2025 09:37

This is so strange! You sound really nice, OP!!!!

I would ask your sister directly. I'm sorry this is happening - you sound amazing and thoughtful!

Diarygirlqueen · 20/07/2025 09:42

This is awful, I would not contact any of them, including your mother.

I would take a massive step back from them and see if any of them reach out to you. This will tell you everything you need to know.
Sorry this happened to you, very hurtful.

BustyLaRoux · 20/07/2025 09:45

TwattyMcFuckFace · 19/07/2025 22:49

I wouldn't drag your mum into it as this was your sister's decision.

I'd probably just get on the WhatsApp group and say something like, "Looks like a great evening, I would've loved an invitation".

Don’t do this. I know someone who words things like this. It just gets people’s backs up. Be direct. Say that really hurt your feelings and ask someone to explain why you weren’t invited. Don’t do the sulky victim act with “I’d love to have been invited!” It isn’t a good look.

Littlelollipops · 20/07/2025 09:45

That sounds horrible. I’d be inclined to leave the WhatsApp group for a bit and see how long it takes anyone to contact you.

TheHouseElf · 20/07/2025 09:46

Honestly Freeze I would blow my top about this all over the family WhatsApp group and I'd certainly not be seeing my Mum tomorrow. You've a right nasty bunch in your family, and I'm sorry for you for it.

Going forward, for your own sake, maybe best to distance yourself from them all. They certainly haven't given a damn about you, or how this (and Mum's birthday lunch exclusion) has made you feel. They'll just do it to you again at the next 'big' event I'm afraid, so pull back now and save yourself the hurt.

Thelnebriati · 20/07/2025 09:47

I agree with everyone saying take a step back. There's no point in asking them if there's a problem, you tried that before and you won't get a straight answer. They are creating a problem and choosing to exclude you and not discuss it with you like adults. Its hurtful, but you can't fix this.
You're the only decent person in the family.

Alacartemenu · 20/07/2025 09:47

BustyLaRoux · 20/07/2025 09:45

Don’t do this. I know someone who words things like this. It just gets people’s backs up. Be direct. Say that really hurt your feelings and ask someone to explain why you weren’t invited. Don’t do the sulky victim act with “I’d love to have been invited!” It isn’t a good look.

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Agree with this. Don't be passive aggressive about it. It hurt you and you don't need to hide it. If they presumably have another group for planning meetups on, why are they posting pics on this one?

Really sorry you're going through this. Be direct, then keep minimal contact with the lot of them.

LushLemonTart · 20/07/2025 09:48

I wouldn't bother with them again tbh. But if you do meet dm make her squirm. But don't ask bothered.

And yes opt out of any future care of dm. You're far too far away.

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 09:54

Pipsquiggle · 20/07/2025 09:33

@Katrinawaves
It really will come across as just 'flouncing off'. It will also mean that the family will forever 'blame' OP and never face into their own appalling behaviour.

I have seen this before. A friend of mine moved away from her family, about 30 mins away. They suddenly just stopped inviting her to events as THEY thought it was too far for her to travel. She wasn't invited to loads of stuff. Once she heard she wasn't invited to another family birthday and everyone else was there. She really kicked off to her family a week later (pre WhatsApp) when she round at her parents' house. They genuinely had no idea she was so upset and they genuinely thought that 30 mins was too far to travel. The point she made, is that you invite everyone and then she makes the decision if it's too far.

OP should have dialogue and discussion and then she can decide to go 'no contact' if she wants

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Two things about this

  1. OP has tried this approach already with the DM’s birthday and it didn’t work; and
  2. If that’s genuinely what they thought it wouldn’t be cloaked in secrecy. It would be talked about openly in advance with regret that OP couldn’t come.
Ibelievetheworldisburningtotheground · 20/07/2025 09:57

It sounds like you're deliberately being excluded from big family events, but they're happy to take big gifts from you.

I'm so sorry. They don't sound like nice people, even if they are your family. I hope you have a lot of good friends where you live.

godmum56 · 20/07/2025 09:59

CleaningAngel · 19/07/2025 23:05

They would deny all knowledge of the arrangements made

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and wouldn't have asked "where's @50FreezeOut1 ?"