Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

I would mention on the family group so all can see your messsge

very hurtful to not be invited

even more so as you organised the present

and seems you didn’t get invited to mum’s birthday lunch either from 2nd reply

spending is def up

I would message the WhatsApp where the photos appeared. ‘Looks fun. Why wasn’t I invited?’

Totally agree with this.
I wouldn’t be in a rush to cut off my entire family, that’s easier said than done, but it needs addressing.
Passive aggression and commenting on FB posts is not the way to go. Blowing up is going to cause people to be defensive and angry back at you.
Direct questions and firm comments that it is unacceptable to be excluded. You can ask the reasons why but they’ll just make up excuses about distance.

These sorts of posts are always difficult because there is only ever the OPs viewpoint.

The only thing this would do is to reinforce to the OP feelings of worthlessness and the family will carry on their horrible behaviour though.

It’s happened twice and so it will happen again if you let it as they know how to hurt you. This is a deliberately toxic family. I’m sorry.

I’m not usually dramatic but on this occasion I’d post this on the family what’s app and then leave and block them all

”Clearly there is something very wrong here, if Suzie’s priority on her 50th birthday was to blow our family unit apart and permanently exclude me and my family, and this was supported by all. So be it. Let’s not keep forcing a relationship which doesn’t work for all. I hope you all enjoyed the party”

Don’t explicitly cancel your mother just don’t turn up and don’t unblock any of them or respond to them if they find a way of getting in touch because they have chosen to do this knowing how much they hurt you last time (it’s not accidental they have done exactly the same thing, it’s textbook dysfunctional family!)

Yes but sometimes you have to be the bigger person and let things go for your own sanity.

Once could be a mistake or misunderstanding and I'd ask directly to sort things out.

Twice is a pattern and I'd get the message. Life is too short to try to get people to like you or hang out with you if they don't want to, even if they're family, and I would focus my energy on the people in my life who DID want to socialise with me.

Never beg for crumbs of friendship from people who don't care.

Totally agree.

Although I wouldn’t bother wasting my energy on asking about it.

This is really good actually.

It's so short and direct So there can be no convoluted tangents.
"Looks fun" acknowledges the nice time and isnt emotional and then bam! Straight to the point

👏👏👏

Me too. Don’t try and second guess what you’ve “done wrong” and twist yourself into knots changing to keep them happy. They are toxic manipulative inadequates and not worthy of you.

Do you not chat to your sister? Mine has a big birthday this year and months ago I asked her if she had any plans. It sounds like you saw her in May then haven’t spoken to her since.

I live hours away and my family sometimes don’t realise that they haven’t told me about things - not events like this but things that have happened to family members. So it could be that they didn’t realise no one had invited you. Although you’d think it would have been mentioned in conversations leading up to the event.

Perhaps cancel the day out with your dm in order to give yourself time to decide how to broach the subject.

This and the quoted post.

Don’t use WhatsApp, This needs a direct face to face conversation.

I’d also advise being direct (but not aggressive)

’Hope you had a great day. I saw your party pics and was surprised and quite hurt to have not been invited along with the rest of our family- is there a reason?’

Also maybe message mum and suggest rather than spending the whole day you can now only do brunch or something- you can then put the same to her calmly without it overshadowing the whole day

So your family have form for this already? You're a mug to have organised your sister's present (no "D" about it) given how you were treated previously.

As of now, no more. Another post said look at your mother's expression in the photos as it looks like she's been complicit on both occasions.

LC if not NC is the way to go.

I wonder if they have another what's app group going with you excluded @50FreezeOut1.
Only this birthday meet up would take a bit of arranging.
If that is true then for some reason they don't want you at every meet up . God knows why but l wonder if you are more successful than they are in some way and they are jealous of you ? I am so sorry this has happened to you 💐

‘Happy Birthday sis. Hope you liked the present I organised and had a lovely day. The photos looked fun. Was there a reason I wasn’t invited as it’s the 2nd time now and I’m starting to wonder why. Hopefully it’s something we can fix. Love, OP’

I think watsapp is good because your questions are written in black and white. No one can accuse you of being obtuse or twist your words. Their answers are also there in black and white. Even though it is family it’s good to have things written down.

people can be so cruel and weird. I have always cut people some slack and overlooked even cruel actions but later in life I have found that this is no good for you. It messes with your mental health. Put yourself first. As others have said lean into relationships with those who do care about you.

Yes but sometimes you have to be the bigger person and let things go for your own sanity.

@Lbet Being the bigger person doesn’t mean being a carpet everyone is walking on.
It means not stooping at their level (of pettiness etc….)
You can still hold people accountable and have boundaries!

“Looks fun, why wasn’t I invited” is perfect.

Anything longer and concentrating on you being hurt or upset will lead to responses about why you shouldn’t be hurt/upset rather than getting to nub of issue which is the why.

Years ago my siblings went on holiday together. Didn’t invite me, didn’t tell me about it. It came out in a conversation with a third party casually and I was devastated. There were many many reasons why it made no sense for me to go but it felt so secretive and deliberately excluding.

I never said anything about it but it really impacted my well being for a while. It was the fact that not mentioning it had been so intentional. They knew, my parents knew, friends knew. And there was clearly a pact not to mention it. It’s very hurtful so I sympathise.

How do your family make you feel generally when you’re with them? Do you come away feeling buoyed up or do you often replay events or feel insecure?

I had a friendship group related to a hobby once that was the latter. I’m not sure it was really anyone’s fault but we just didn’t gel and I’d come away from socials feeling odd and often hearing about other events that had happened without me. In the end I just phased them down in my life and made more time for the friendship groups that made me feel like I was fun to be around.

Appreciate it’s tricky with family, but maybe if they don’t make you feel at ease you might consider leaning into other groups that do.

@Ohthatsabitshit just 'disengaging' with no explanation at this point is ridiculous and childish.

She might want to use it in the future, fair enough.

She should just send a WhatsApp asking why she was invited.

I think they've behaved very badly OP, and I would want them to know that I was hurt by it but chances are it'll fall on deaf ears or start a war where they all defend themselves.

My sister and Mum have a family of their own that I'm not included in, and sadly they've dragged wider family into it so I'm now the family outcast. It's nearly broken me because I've only ever tried to do my best but clearly that's not good enough. So I'm now I'm extremely low contact with my Mum, don't speak to my sister at all and ignore the wider family like they ignore me. I rely on my DH and DC for love and kindness, and life is much simpler and happier for it.

Someone at some stage in that holiday example lied by omission, surely. That’s awful if they made you feel ‘oh well you never asked’ I’m sorry that happened to you.