Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

“Dear group chat, please do not make the assumption that I won’t attend gatherings because I live an hour away. I can decide that for myself and can arrange my own time to make things work”

I would still phone the sister. It looks as though they have form for not inviting you. The distance may be part of the issue. Some people are very parochial and see 60 minutes as a huge drive where as to others it’s a daily commute and you could have driven home again unless you would have insisted on drinking and staying with someone. Do you overorganise people? Maybe they had their own ideas for presents and resented being dragged in to yours. I would want to know what is going on but would probably think of them differently and see less of them

You won’t be destroying the family unit - it seems like they don’t consider you a part of it anyway.
Sorry your family treat you like this but they have something against you.

What difference would that make? The lack of an invite is nothing to do with the distance.

You haven't mentioned it op but are you half siblings? I know when I was younger I'd just say we were all full siblings.

I only ask because when I was younger I would proudly tell everyone about my huge family and all my sisters and brothers (5 in total). They were all a bit older than me (my nieces and nephews are all my age) but I thought we were really close. We would all holiday together, every special occasion was spent as a big group etc.

Until I turned 16 and stopped being the accessory my mum took along with her.

Suddenly I was not invited to the big holidays, Christmas, hen nights/weddings etc. Only to some things other non family came to where they liked to bulk out the numbers (big BBQ's). They didn't act mean when I saw them, just said a lot of things like 'Oh we just didn't think you would want to go'.

I was once invited to my sisters house and she was showing me all of the large photos of the family she'd had put up. I nodded, and though I did notice everyone else had one but me I didn't say anything. She then pointed out the one of me she had, it was in the downstairs guest toilet.

It stung to realise I'd never really been considered family at all by the people I loved, and I've distanced myself from them since.

Go direct. "Saw your birthday pics on FB. Got to be honest, I was surprised not to have been invited. Was there a reason?" Life is way too short to faff around hinting, being PA, involving other people and cranking up the talk behind people's backs machine. It's your sister. Ask her.

How completely shit of them.

That was one of the excuses her family gave

I’d do this but to the group chat and include the word ‘again.’

I wouldn’t tell them in future you’ll be available and they should invite you; they knew that already, this is excusing them. Again.

I wouldn’t say this, it sounds petty and flouncy (but ok to feel it!)

Ask your DM, “that’s twice I haven’t been invited to a big event, Mum, your birthday and now DSis’s. Why?” If she makes excuses again I would challenge them, this is your DM not a friend or neighbour, you should be able to be frank as long as you’re not too confrontational.

I’m very sorry because exclusion is miserable, they obviously have reasons not to invite you that they know are unreasonable, it’s still shitty of them.

I don’t think I’d even tell her, I just wouldn’t turn up or answer her calls. She is as much a part of it by going along with this nasty behaviour.

As they have form I would just go silent on them all from now on.

It really could be this.

The again is the bit here that us really important.

@Ohthatsabitshit I think this is just a terrible idea.

Sounds like OP's family are shit at inviting people who live more than half an hour away. This could be a teachable moment for them.

To ghost them with no explanation is just childish

I wonder if your sister knows you’re the one that organised her present? It shouldn’t make any difference to whether you’re invited, but I would definitely assume that your siblings have claimed the credit. I would also not make an assumption about your sister knowing who was invited and who wasn’t if the other siblings organised it all.

I would say something along the lines of, “I was surprised not to be invited to your birthday, especially seeing as I’m the one who organised your gift. Can you shed any light on who made the decision to cut me out? I need to speak to them and get this sorted so it doesn’t keep happening.”

It clearly communicates that you’re hurt, let’s her know you didn’t just ignore her birthday (she might be wondering why you didn’t go/didn’t get her anything if the others have claimed credit) and if it turns out she is behind it, will make her squirm when she has to admit it was her. It’s also not going over the top with the emotions. Good luck op.

I'd definitely say on the group chat "would have been nice to have been invited".

How hurtful especially as you’ve organised the gift, which tbf I’d probably mention. Good luck it’s never nice feeling excluded.

What a nasty thing to do, no wonder you're hurt. I would really struggle with having anything to do with them again. They've shown you what they think of you. Believe them.

What do they usually for for your birthday @50FreezeOut1 ? Do they come for a meal out for you? Make an effort?

Really? Withdrawing your positive attention isn’t ghosting it’s disengaging. OP doesn’t have dance around for crumbs of attention from people who are being desperately unkind.

I think this is the way forward. You have to be honest and direct, op. Tell them how you feel and ask why you weren’t invited. This is so unbelievably hurtful that I am interested to know why they did it.

Can I ask what sounds like a strange question? Are you considered beautiful or very successful? If so, I wonder if there is some jealousy going on?

Why blame the parents? Sister is 50 years old and capable of making her own decisions!
There must be some sort of back story…

No, you haven't missed that, but you might have missed OP's update where her mother excluded her from a previous event, so obviously this is a family pattern.

With that update , Op I wouldn't bother sending any of those messages suggested as the answers are not likely to give you peace. I would withdraw though, mute the family WA group, politely decline the occasions where members of the family deign to invite you somewhere/suggest meeting up with you.

You won't be breaking up the family - they have already splintered you off from the "inner circle". Keep your dignity intact.

If it was me I would do absolutely nothing, I would hold my head high knowing I had done nothing wrong annd been good enough to put towards a gift, the problem lies with them . Definitely wouldn’t let it know it has bothered me, let them feel the awkwardness next time they all see you.

@50FreezeOut1 find your tribe on the ‘but we took you to stately homes’ threads in the relationships board. It wasn’t an accident.