Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

^^this is a good suggestion - but I would do whatever you feel you need to do - or do nothing, whatever suits you best - how easy is it to not see them much at all in the future, that will affect your decision - this was a nasty thing of them to do imv.

I would put something short on the group chat along the lines of, seen the fb photos of dsis 50th, would have loved to have been there to celebrate, whats the reason for not inviting me? It’s very upsetting!

Op I’d go with something like the above but I wouldn’t say I was upset as it will only give them some power over you whilst making you look weak.

Finish anything you say to them with - what’s the reason for not inviting me.

They are a bunch of cunts. Sorry this happened to you.

Everything else aside, @50FreezeOut1, your parents and siblings are just plain ill-mannered. How rude they have been and are being, to leave you out like that, with no apparent reason. No couth at all.
Where is your father in all this? And was your aunt there this time? Could you ring her now and ask her what she thinks is going on?

I’d use the ‘let them’ philosophy. They’re doing what they want and there’s nothing you can do to stop them, but you can alter what you do yourself. I would stop seeing any of them including your mum tho make an exception for the aunt.
Not only are you dealing with this current very blatant exclusion, you’ve also had to deal with years of rejection and learnt to mask your feelings to make yourself palatable to them. It’s shocking you’ve had to do this whilst they’ve not even come close to doing similar.
None of them deserve a second more of your time. Block them all.

Maybe they perceive you as judgemental and self righteous. Your choice not to “follow the money” as they did but to do a worthy vocational career may grate and make them think you are judging them so they see you as a buzz kill. Not saying this is fair or reasonable in any way but from your overview that’s the only explanation I can draw.

Have you had a chance to speak to your family yet? I wouldn’t let it go. I had a friend who ghosted me twenty years ago. I don’t know why. I still wonder why.

@Calliopespa I think you've hit the nail on the head. Again!

From your update, it strikes me that the reason you get excluded could be you have a less high-powered job, simpler lifestyle, less income and vote Labour. In other words, maybe they are just snobs.😶

I've always known my DM was a snob when she had nothing to boast about regarding my career and her sister had to ask me what I actually did because DM was - not necessarily secretive - but not forthcoming. But I think you're absolutely right. My siblings are snobs and they have decided we have nothing in common and they'll just write me out of things. Perhaps Sis50 would have been embarrassed to introduce me to the friends who came to the meal 😂

I've been to plenty of her parties in the past and her friends even friend requested me on Facebook because we got on so well. But I didn't recognise many of the friends in the meal photos. Maybe she's 'upgraded' her friend set and I'm NFI!

Out of interest where are you age wise in comparison to your Sister, younger or older ?
Happy people don't pull this sort of shit, I do wonder if she is hitting menopause and has bright young things snapping at her heels professionally and you being the useful and normal scapegoat are taking the hit for her feelings of inadequacy ?

My DF goes along with things for a quiet life, hence managing to stay married to my narc DM. But I think I will ask him this week for his take on things. He is usually the voice of reason of anyone bothers to ask him.

I'm seeing my DA in a couple of weeks so would rather do it face to face. She wasn't there but I know she was on holiday with her kids and grandkids.

I would have contacted her immediately by telephone after seeing the photos and asked for an explanation rather than ‘stewing’ over it.

No to this course of action, far to chummy when they have ostracised her.

I'm the youngest but we're really close in age between all of us. I'm not sure Sis50 has an inadequacy complex. Probably the opposite. But having not worked with her professionally we can often be different from how we are with close family and friends. I do get the sense she isn't entirely happy because once she's had a drink she's a terrible gossip. Perhaps it's me she's been bitching about and she's talked herself into dropping me.

I actually think it's strange you didn't get straight onto whatsap and ask them straight why you weren't included. That fact in itself says something about your relationship with them I think. There's no way my family would leave something like this unquestioned .

I'm afraid I agree.

I'd keep it short and simple: I'd just like to know why, especially as it happened at Mum's party too. I'm not going to push to come, I just want to know what the thinking is.

No need to apologise or express desire to be involved - or to break the connection such as it is. Just ask why.

Its a reasonable question - after all, we're all wondering - and we're not even op!

I feel for you, I've had years of this behaviour, only once have i been invited to a birthday meal (my mum's 79th) to find out it was so that I would pay towards the party they were hoping to have for her 80th, she died before this could happen! When they all had a party, at my mums years before she died I asked my mum why wasnt I invited, was told that no one in my family liked me and had said if I attended they wouldn't go, she said face facts you are not a nice person. I went home and cried buckets to my hubby who said this: you can't choose your family but, we have two beautiful boys who never had to face the nastiness that comes from that side of the family, they both worship you ( and they do) you have worked hard put yourself through Uni whilst working and raising children, you have a wonderful home, you don't act you are you and we are not having this happen to you again and we shut the door on them for 20 odd years until my mums 79th and I wish I'd not gone then as they made it very obvious I wasn't welcome, so I am saying this to you shut the door on them, life is too short for crap like that!

Perhaps this second incident of social exclusion is an example of serendipity. You may not have wanted this but you needed it to see the shower of shit your family really are - with some obvious exceptions. If there is any possible justification for their conduct then we aren't aware of it - and nor are you. Time to distance yourself from these people. Life is too short to be treading on eggshells around wankers.

I agree with this approach too.
You have a right to be hurt.
So what if the family gets blown up, now that you know that the alternative is that it stays not-blown-up-but-regularly-shitting-on-you?

Sometimes people experience other people's choices as a criticism of theirs. Perhaps they feel more self conscious when you are there purely because you've chosen a different path and hold different values. So it's not that they don't like you as such.

Do you feel you can just relax and be yourself with them or are you also censoring yourself or trying hard to please or fit in?

I agree that you should just never make the tiniest effort to see or speak to them again. I would not be contacting any of them. If any of them attempt to apologise or explain that would be the time to respond to them, very carefully and consisely if you so choose.

What they have done is pretty disgusting tbh. Clearly, it is deliberate, and driven by at least one of them - but the others are disgusting too, there is no way I could do that to one of my family unless they had done something truly awful.

They are happy to make you feel like shit. and in fact want to torture you. I cannot imagine the level of distress and shock you must have felt, seeing them rub your face in your very deliberate exclusion. This is what being nice to people who are not nice to you leads to, time to just cut them off without a word.

And it's not passive aggressive or anything else to cut abusers out of your lif, it's just a good way to deal with such cruelty. Any question you ask will get you blame and recriminations anyway, so ask nothing.

They are expecting you to be upset, ask questions, but ultimately keep tolerating that, because that is what you have always done. But you are not their punching bag, so don't volunteer for that position anymore.

What a fabulous (and very wise) husband you have!

Id just ask. Dsis directly in an attempt to get honesty or DM if I wanted to play it politically

But either way id say - how come i wasn't invited to the birthday meal?

I certainly wouldn't feel better isolating myself further and secretly huffing. Id absolutely need to know

It was your DM who started the competition when you were all children, who can please her the most. She is the Queen Bee, the one your siblings try to live up to her expectations, they wouldn’t exclude you unless she wanted it that way.
GC get rated same as their parents, so your DC will be classed as scapegoats too, the poor relations.
Maybe it was how your mum and her siblings were treated in childhood, by her own parents or she likes to cause division and have everyone fight over her.
You sound very happy with your career, your little family and lots of friends, whilst your siblings are all frantically running on a hamster wheel, all trying to be good enough, and competing to be loved.
I bet you are the only one, who is truly content with your life!
I wouldn’t bother saying anything, I would delete WhatsApp, don’t bother with cards or presents and start distancing yourself.

Agree. I’d pick up the phone and ask her straight why you weren’t invited. All
this creeping around the edges doesn’t help you.

Youbsay you are the black sheep/ scapegoat.

That is all the answer you need - your role is to be picked on and upset by them. When you remonstrate, they bully you a bit more.

Your choice is to continue to play into the dynamic by acting like a good sister then being excluded; or to change the dynamic by pulling away from them and caring less - a lot less - about them. You can't change them, you can only change yourself.

And expect to receive a pittance in the Will.

(Ex scapegoat here.)