Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

Your last paragraph is sad to read. You've come across really well on the thread so far and I'm sorry you have a family of arseholes.

If you are not hiding a huge backstory where you slept with her husband, your family has no justification for how they did that. They prefer to slap your face than talk it over.

I think they collectively feel better than you because they earn more or something equally pitiful, and you're better off putting your positive energy into people worth your time.

Sorry I didn’t mean to imply you were cash strapped.

You need to be more honest with them and just ask what the issue is , cancelling seeing your mum tomorrow and blaming the weather is a cop out and you are just allowing them to treat you badly .

OP, my Dad was treated similarly by his family. He studied science (not what my DGP considered a good money-making degree), we had a ok middle class life but nothing like his siblings who were successful businessmen. While my DGM was alive we had to attend all family get-togethers and i hated them, my siblings hated them and my DM hated them (I acutely felt being treated as a poor relation even though objectively we were not poor at all). Grandchildren were also ranked in order of preference based on their parents' perceived worth. All it achieved was me keeping minimal communication with my cousins once I moved away and trying to avoid anything wider family related on that side.
Unfortunately, these things happen through no fault of your own. I bet your DC will start feeling a level of inequality at some point

@50FreezeOut1 So it’s not money, you’re not critical of their lifestyles/beliefs, and you haven’t had any fallings-out with anyone.

Then I think that @SquallyShowersLater post probably nails it, even though it makes no sense. 💐

I don’t have much to add to this but as a mother of 2 very different children in their 20s who don’t really socialise together, I would be very upset if one of them did this. It’s deliberate and spiteful and I’m bewildered how everyone went along with it-including your own mother. I couldn’t imagine being mean to my kids. Is there anyone in your family who is very dominant-who could possibly have suggested excluding you for whatever reason and railroaded it through? I would have to say something directly to either your mother or sister and explain how hurt you are that a parent /sibling could behave like that. You sound d a completely normal person and I’m sorry.

So hurtful.

I’ve had a similar situation but with the in-laws. After years wondering what we’d done wrong I just realised there wasn’t a seat for us at the table and made my peace with it.

Incidentally this weekend there was a party and we were invited, but I decided to attend a concert instead, and had a fabulous time.

Can understand that you don’t want to be seen as the cause of family fall out (not that I think you are), but for your own sanity I’d keep my distance.

I’d also be inclined to also ask ‘and why did you go along with it.’

Op, they’re horrible to have done this but the sad fact is - your mum doesn’t have your back.

There is a slightly odd dynamic in my DH’s extended family along these lines @50FreezeOut1

One sister works in healthcare, is quite leftwing with a social conscience and two children who went through the state system. The other sister married a very wealthy man, has never worked, kids are privately educated and have their own ponies, etc, etc. The parents were also wealthy and think the sun shines out of non working daughter’s ass and are embarrassed by the other daughter (though not to the point of not inviting her to family events thankfully). The two sisters though close as children loathe each other now.

This whole sad situation might be nothing more than plain old fashioned snobbery fuelled by your mum’s judgement of your relative successfulness. Shitty and unnecessary though.

No need to rush to do anything. Take your time and maybe see if you can access a bit of therapy to unpack it all. But generally even if you don't end up telling them exactly what you think of them, reassess their values and consider whether they are worth your time and care.

By Ignoring this behaviour and getting on with your life does not make you a carpet to be walked over. It is making the family know that you couldn’t give two hoots if you wasn’t invited to their gatherings.

Let them have their way and not invite you, would you really want to be around family that are like that anyway?

Let it go and they will soon come crawling.

The only way you will know if to ask
whether you do on the group so all see answers

or

go and see and ask face to face

Just a consideration but could it be that they have some sort of aversion to your husband attending their gatherings? There doesn’t appear to be an obvious reason not to invite you.

@50FreezeOut1 cpuld you have a chat with your aunt about it? I suspect she might be able to shine a light.

But I’m afraid Theres a simple explanation.
you were the black sheep if the family. And still are. No amount of ‘seif improvement’ will have changed that.

You’re also the only one who has ‘strayed’. They all ‘chose’ high paid corporate career. So did you to start with. Your DM is ashamed on how ‘poorly’ (to her!) you’ve done- she can’t boast about what you’ve achieved. That’s the family script. And you’ve broken away from it. For something that nourishes your heart.
It won’t be welcome. People who break the scrip and follow their heart (and integrity) are never welcome 😢
Your family (siblings and DM) will talk about having different lifes and having nothing in common anymore. But basically you’ve gone too far from the acceptable norm (to them).

I feel for you. Realising that your own family just doesn’t like you, or that your DM isn’t proud of you because you chose a different road is heartbreaking.
I hope you’ll find some peace and can stay in contact with the rest of the family.

They don't sound like very nice people, the very opposite of how you come across.
What is disturbing is not only do they find it comfortable to exclude you and your husband but also your children, their grandchildren/niece and nephew. Unacceptable and while they may consider themselves better than you and your family their actions show them as being rude, ignorant and abusive. You all deserve better.

There definitely needs to be more context to this.

Noway could this be totally out the blue otherwise your entire family are horrible.

Are you close to your family? Have there been issues in the past?

This is really upsetting OP!
I would send a message right away but frame it kindly. “Is everything okay between us, saw the pictures from your bday?” There could be an explanation (unlikely but you never know.)
i personally WOULD mention it to my parents. My parents/family would have addressed this if I (or one of my siblings) wasn’t invited to a group thing before it even happened tbh but obviously don’t know your situation/relationships.
if you don’t want to send a message, maybe start a casual convo with your mother “how was the meal/party?” And see what she says. Ultimately, think it needs to be addressed so you know where you stand. My partners family brush everything under the rug so there’s so much resentment which drives me MAD whereas I’d rather have honesty and talk things out. Good luck!

Regardless of how you broach the subject, be prepared for them to become defensive and possibly go LC with you, some people deal with their shitty behaviour being raised by doubling down.

Unless you’ve recently had a row or there’s a significant back story with you and your family you haven’t included in the OP, this is hurtful and spiteful behaviour. Personally, I would message and say ‘I’ve seen on FB posts that you had a birthday party and I wasn’t invited. Have I done something to upset you?’ I’d just keep it quite short and to the point, but otherwise it’s going to fester.

Funnily enough I got a BSc and my DM was flabbergasted I'd got a science degree! It was a social science so perhaps not biology/chemistry/physics but despite me studying it and graduating in it (which she attended) it wasn't until DH framed my certificate she realised I was a 'scientist'. She'd always imagined me as the 'arty farty' type (her words). 🤷🏼‍♀️

@MoveOverToTheSea I think you're right that I 'strayed' off the accepted path. And no amount of self improvement will change how they feel about my choices. I've always said to my DC just do what you love. Don't worry about the end result because if you love doing it it will lead you to the right career path and you will be happy.

I did an A Level my DM thought was a complete waste of time (think philosophy or something similar). It was my favourite one and the one I use most in my personal and work life. I did it because I was interested in it and it led me to people who are equally interesting. If you put my friends and my sisters in the same room the two groups would have nothing in common! But I can be a social chameleon and get on with lots of people in social situations. I've always got on with my sisters and brother when we meet up which is why this slow fade exclusion is so unexpected.

I'm sorry if that summary was quite blunt, but I did mean it to be helpful in untangling the strands and I'm glad that it seems to have been.

From your update, it strikes me that the reason you get excluded could be you have a less high-powered job, simpler lifestyle, less income and vote Labour. In other words, maybe they are just snobs.😶

That's nothing to beat yourself up abut. The fact your relative apologised on their behalf reinforces this idea in my mind; it's as if she sees it for what it is. Totally understandable if that's hurtful, but some people are just inexplicably stuck-up and superficial and you shouldn't feel guilt or shame. If that's what it is, be glad you dodged the bullet because it certainly took out many round and about you! Enjoy your DH and DC and lean into that life - fully able to value it for what it is.

I feel really sad for you op, what an awful thing for your family to do.

I would put something short on the group chat along the lines of, seen the fb photos of dsis 50th, would have loved to have been there to celebrate, whats the reason for not inviting me? It’s very upsetting!

You might not get any answers but regardless for your own sanity you need to distance yourself. Concentrate on the people that care about you. It will be hard at first but eventually you’ll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders

Is it at all possible this is just a genuine mistake on their part with no one thinking to invite you? I know it sounds strange but frankly you come across really well on your posts and I can't work out why you wouldn't make the cut - plus nothing you says about your family suggests they are the sort of terrible people to deliberately exclude you for no reason so its super weird if they really did.

I would still ask why they didn't invite you.

All of these musings are in your head. They might be right, they might not be.

I think you do need to say something and the WhatsApp group may be a good way to do it. They may respond by excluding you but they are doing that anyway. I think your authenticity and values are threatening to them. It's very upsetting but they don't deserve you in their lives if they are going to treat you like this. Shameful of all your siblings and as a mother I can't fathom how she would sanction one of her kids not being invited.

I think some people thrive on creating a black sheep and being able to direct negative energy somewhere so it really makes sense to me that this is how they treated you when you were young. The fact that you've made your own choices and are so clearly comfortable with them allows them to continue their narrative: she's not like US.

I personally would fade them out. They are intent on causing hurt. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. I wouldn't comment on the photo. I just wouldn't be available anymore. I'd grey the fucking rock out of the lot of them.

Sounds like your DH is an absolute star and a keeper. You have your own lovely family and friends. Leave this really toxic cloud behind you and move on with your life.