Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

I'd find it incredibly hurtful. My DSis used to do this with our DM all the time, even for Mother's Day. Another reason I've never regretted cutting DSis off years ago. I'm sorry OP.

It's a horrible thing to do and I'm not surprised you're upset. My family were like this with me and it hurts. I no longer have any contact with them. As a previous poster says, they don't like having you there. In my case it was because they were nasty fuckwits who enjoyed encouraging each other to be like that. I didn't find it funny so was left out as they didn't want a reminder of the fact they were being horrible. My presence ruined their fun.

I like @Anonimummy's post at · Today 02:14

I'd do that one

I’m so sorry you’ve been excluded like this. It must be very hurtful indeed. It’s totally unacceptable to behave like this. Do they blame you for other things? You could arrange a family meal and leave one of them off the invitation. “Oh im sorry I thought it was okay to have a family meal with everyone except one person…” I’m joking, of course, but wow it would be cathartic. Other people gave amazing advice here. I hope some of it helps.

@Brefugee For me, it would depend on my sister’s response. If she said that I make a big fuss when I go out for family meals, criticize the choice of venue, moan about the food, etc. so no one wants to got out for meals with me anymore, I’d need to reflect on whether she had a point. Same if she said that I’ve upset a family member by doing X and they don’t want to socialize with me anymore.

If it’s vague excuses like I didn’t realize that you weren’t invited, etc., I’d know it was BS and got LC/cut them off. But at least I’d know for sure.

@50FreezeOut1that sounds so painful. Are you able to give a little more context around your family dynamics? Geographical location? Any back story?

It sounds like a pattern if they have excluded you several times now. I would be thinking very carefully about how much time to spend with them in future and how much effort I would put into presents etc for birthdays etc in the future. I would cancel your arrangements with your mum tomorrow and tell her why. They are all culpable.

This ⬆️Followed by sentence “Do you not realise how utterly unkind and hurtful this is?”

Also, when they’re called out, I’d lay money on them using the fact you’re 50/60 minutes away excuse again (not that I believe that’s the actual reason) 😔 I wouldn’t let that fly though… Point out all the occasions you’ve made the journey previously.

If they say they didn’t think you’d want to come because it’s so far away, explain that whether you came or not, the fact that you weren’t even asked is really hurtful. You don’t not invite someone because you think they won’t come. You invite them and you let them decide!

If they’ve done this before and knew you were upset, why on earth would they do it again? It’s just really nasty! I’m so sorry for how much they’ve hurt you OP.

presumably you arranged your own plans then for your mother @BluntLion

Yes, but as there was only DSis and I it would've been nice to have been asked 🤷‍♀️

Sorry you went through this op but I would be putting on what’s app hey sis did you get our joint present just haven’t heard from you yet so hope it arrived for the big day. See how she responds then you mention her meal then say oh right just so I know for future reference am I to be excluded for all big occasions like mums meal? I would not care how they took it tbh they have been nasty by leaving you out twice. This is personal even if you can’t see it.

Did my invitation get lost in the post?😡

Family’s can be so cruel.

Thank you to everyone who has shared their perspective. The questions asked are really helping me to see what it could be. I've taken a long time to reply because I wanted to read lots of people's views before responding. Sometimes on these threads everyone says the same thing on the first couple of pages then different perspectives come through later that can shed different light on the issue. Also I have been out for the day with the DC and didn't want to read the thread whilst with them because it would bring the reality of the situation back to me and make me not very good company.

Answering some questions:

No I don't have a drink problem. I drink the least but not in a judgemental of their drinking way.

We're all full siblings and our DPs are still together.

We live close enough to drive there and drive back in an evening. DH always offers to drive so I can drink with them.

I'm really accommodating with meeting when and where suits them. When the DC were little I gave parameters because of naps but otherwise would make it work.

There is a wealth gap with me the poorest. I chose a vocational career which I absolutely love. They chose corporate highly paid highly stressful roles (although are very senior now so less stress in a way). I'm not bothered that they earn more than me because I made the choice to be happy at work rather than earn a lot. I know you can have both but the corporate career I started in was relentless so over a decade ago I switched out into non corporate and have never regretted it.

Looking particularly at @WhereYouLeftIt explanation. I am the black sheep/scapegoat and have been since I was a child. But I worked really hard at not being controversial or hard work. Hence I now have lots of friends. I'm consciously that nice new version around them because I am acutely self aware.

I feel disappointed rather than angry about this. I'm upset because I don't know what I've done wrong because if I knew I definitely wouldn't have done it or if I knew I would apologise for it.

I'm not more successful in comparison to them. I'd go so far as to say my DM has been embarrassed about my comparative lack of boast-able success in the past. I'm doing what I love, find meaning in my work and can afford a 'normal' lifestyle. By that I mean a mortgaged house, long term doer-upper, bog standard car, 1 foreign holiday a year in a European destination - all different from my new Tesla owning, multiple foreign holiday going, mortgage free siblings. But I'm genuinely not envious because I don't want to do what they do for a living to earn the kind of money you need for those things.

I lived two hours away for a couple of years in my 20s but deliberately moved closer once my Sisters starting having kids so I could be nearby for every family event. In the 20+ years since I have never opted out of one for any reason other than simply not being available e.g. holidays, important prior engagements. I've always bent over backwards to accommodate them and DH fell into line with that when I met him. It was taken as read that's what I needed/wanted to do.

I decided to cancel my Monday with my DM. The weather isn't looking great so I've blamed it on that and suggested other dates later in the holidays to buy me time to decide what to do.

With regards 'there must be more to this. What are you hiding?' please do ask me any direct questions about what might have happened in the past or things I may or may not have done. If there was something obvious to me e.g. my political views then I would include it to help people help me make sense of it. But as I say, I am very aware that there are topics to avoid so I do.

I'm not vegan or over/underweight. I'm neither beautiful nor successful. I have 2 wonderful DC 1DS and 1DD. They are easy to get on with when they come to family events. They are interesting and interested (early teens). I knew DH was the one for me because he was the first of my boyfriends to really get on with my friends and family without any awkwardness. He's easy going and remembers things about people and asks them e.g. how their ski trip was.

I get on particularly well with my DM's Sis who I'm meeting with my DC over the holidays. She was there at the DM 'spontaneous' lunch when I was excluded and afterwards apologised on behalf of everyone who was there and didn't think to invite me. It wasn't necessarily her apology to make per se but I really appreciated that someone there saw it was wrong and apologised that it had happened. That validated my hurt that time.

My Bro missed a Christmas get together last Christmas because of a last minute holiday with his then partner. Sis50 was really annoyed with him not being there for an event she'd organised. But there he was at her 50th not me! (Who was there at Christmas).

This point by @Calliopespa is really helpful in helping me understand the situation more clearly.

I'm sorry but for some reason they don't like having you there - and the feeling is not limited to your Dsis. None of us can say if its justified or not from what we know, but the fact it isn't just your Dsis and the fact they don't enjoy you being at these functions is plain.

You are right. They don't want me there. Which helps make my decision not to be there in future. Knowing they feel this about me would mean I would no longer enjoy it. And knowing they would enjoy it more if I wasn't there makes things so clear. Thank you.

@50FreezeOut1 please dont make any attempts to meet with them. let them contact you in the future, if ever. I doubt they will get in touch and have only been doing so out of duty. better off on your only anyway. you can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. they are just jumped up snobs.

From your update, could it be they think you can’t afford the place they were eating?

That is what I wondered. But they could have asked and let OP decide for herself.

I think I'd probably do this. I'm not saying it's the correct thing necessarily, but I think it's how I'd react. I'd be very, very hurt, and not sure I'd be able to forgive them all, especially the sis.

I know they are your family but what absolute bastards. I’m so sorry OP, you sound very lovely. They, on the other hand…

You sound like a lovely person, @50FreezeOut1 and your family do not sound like lovely or good people. I’m really sorry they’ve been like this.

My own family have been disappointing in a different way but the outcome is similar in that my parents just aren’t very interested in me or my children. It doesn’t matter how you deal with it - it still feels hurtful. You have my sympathies. I’ve found like much easier to enjoy my life and let go when I think of my family as just ordinary people who make bad choices and that their behaviour is not a personal thing.

Ok, this is absolutely awful behaviour, it’s not like your absence wouldn’t have been noticed and talked about. Clearly there’s an underlying issue here, and your mother is the perfect person to intermediate, it seems like your sister is unwilling to discuss anything with you directly.

Hi OP, I’ve read your posts, but not the whole of the thread. I just wanted to say that I’m always cut out of family events (and it’s only me and one sibling). I have gone over and over why, putting myself down as too boring, or sensitive, or uncool, but I eventually decided to accept that it is what it is. That was for my own peace of mind. I wish I had a close family, but I don’t and that’s not through lack of trying on my part. There’s no point questioning as it will be “my fault.”

Anyway, I have a lovely husband, wonderful friendship networks, and a good career.

Fuck em.

I have a feeling that op isn’t the kind of person who could send a text like this but she really should send it. Exactly as written. I bet she would be given more respect. I have found that sadly it doesn’t pay to be “nice”.

I'm sorry but for some reason they don't like having you there - and the feeling is not limited to your Dsis. None of us can say if its justified or not from what we know, but the fact it isn't just your Dsis and the fact they don't enjoy you being at these functions is plain.

Having read all of your posts on the thread, I can only echo this above. But honestly, I am baffled as to what their reasons could be. You have been very open and forthcoming with all the questioned fired at you, you seem self-aware, sane, likeable, normal, well behaved in public, even if you do have slightly different priorities political values and a more laid back lifestyle, you haven't got two heads and you don't seem to have any major red flags about you that might make you an absolute PITA at parties. I am at a loss. It must be hurtful and bewildering for you. I think you should get one of them, either your mother or your sister and just demand to know why they do this to you.

I'm absolutely not one to plead poverty. I know people who would love to afford a meal out or foreign holiday so I don't want to give the impression I can't afford things. It's just relative to them I'm less well off. NOT the correct figures but think me £50k Vs them £100k salaries.