Page 16 | Not invited to DSis big birthday

50FreezeOut1 · 2025-07-19T21:42:56+00:00

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents. AIBU to be upset at not being invited? Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs. This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all. The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

Calliopespa · 20/07/2025 17:40

LaLaLandDreams · 19/07/2025 22:46

I would ask your parents why you weren’t invited.

I cant understand why your mum hasn't asked her ...

ETA my mum would be having something to say - and if there was any kind of valid reason she'd have told me.

Its not your mum's fault but as mums we aren't shrinking violets in these things.

harriethoyle · 20/07/2025 17:41

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 17:39

How fortunate you are not to understand the dynamics of a dysfunctional family, or the manipulative behaviour of narcissists.

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HUGE assumption @Sakura7 and quite, quite wrong.

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It could just as easily be that @50FreezeOut1 made her posts in the early hours of the morning because she was unable to sleep, and has been working all day today or otherwise had a commitment which has meant she isn’t online. I really wouldn’t read anything into the fact she hasn’t been online for a few hours!

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 17:43

harriethoyle · 20/07/2025 17:41

HUGE assumption @Sakura7 and quite, quite wrong.

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The irony of accusing me of making huge assumptions, considering what you just posted.

Currymaker · 20/07/2025 17:45

I don't understand why you don't just ask them on the family WhatsApp? Unless there's a backstory it's possible they just thought someone else had told you about it, and are now wondering why you didn't bother going. If you've been deliberately excluded then that's awful, and you need to know why.

harriethoyle · 20/07/2025 17:46

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 17:43

The irony of accusing me of making huge assumptions, considering what you just posted.

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Cool story, bro 🥱

darksideofthestudio · 20/07/2025 17:50

@50FreezeOut1 you have my sympathy, I have been in a similar situation.

Almost six years ago I woke up to a SM post about my sister’s big birthday party, my BIL described ‘all the best people’ being there. That was is it for me, the final straw. I could write an essay on her poor behaviour (and that of my BIL) prior to that weekend. We were due to join her for a family meal on her actual birthday, and I withdrew. Apparently I ruined her Birthday, and every birthday thereafter 🙄 funny how I had the power to ruin her birthday, but wasn’t important enough to be fully included in all the celebrations (I later found out that I had been told multiple lies in the run up).

That was six years ago, and I have no regrets. I took away her ability to make me feel insignificant and unwanted. It brought me peace. Yes, it’s fractured our family, but it is what it is. I firmly believe now that my sister is a narcissist and I won’t waste my time or energy on her ever again. I also believe my mother has facilitated my sister’s behaviour, but she is terrified of her. Now that I am no longer involved, I can see things much more objectively.

i don’t believe in keeping quiet, but I also don’t like confrontation. Withdrawing quietly, and with dignity, was my approach. I also believe that whether I walked away then, or later down the line, we still wouldn’t be on talking terms today as her disrespect towards me, my DH and DC was intolerable.

Calliopespa · 20/07/2025 17:51

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 01:20

Really appreciate all the posts and perspectives. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but everyone's input, even if completely different, helps me understand how I feel about each suggestion. A few points of clarity:

They live within 10-30 minutes of each other. I live 60 minutes away.
It wasn't mentioned in the family WhatsApp group so everyone must have been invited individually or in another group I'm not aware of.
I got the present delivered to my BIL so she would have it on the morning of her birthday. So she's had it already. No message of thanks received for it yet.
My other Sis and B were in the present group and contributed so knew about it but still didn't think to mention the party.
We see each other about 6 times a year usually. I thought we'd next see each other for her birthday but as it was the first evening of the summer holidays and I know she likes to travel I wondered if she'd gone to Vegas or somewhere memorable for it instead of a get together. It was another family member's birthday in May so it's a normal thing in our family to get together for meals for birthdays.

I didn't want to mention it in my original post so I could get clear perspectives on this incident as a stand alone event. But for my DM's big birthday 3 years ago I was excluded from her actual birthday lunch. She did have a party organised for the next day and I was invited to and did go to that. But at that party my siblings were talking about the lunch they'd had for her actual birthday. I was flabbergasted because I'd suggested me leaving early from work and us all going out for lunch. They live closer so could even have done it on their lunch break but I needed more planning. They literally ignored that message and the next message on the group was a few days later, something banal about a TV programme or something. So I'd tried to organise lunch and was met with silence. Then apparently on the day they all spontaneously decided to take her out and no-one invited me. My DM even specifically messaged my other Sis to invite her when Bro and Sis50 had messaged her about lunch. Wouldn't want Sis to be left out but nevermind Freeze! Apparently that's because I live 'too far away' (60 mins - 50 without traffic) but I have an early finish one day a week and could easily have swapped even on the day. My work is very flexible.

So yes. There is form there but I was very hurt when it happened 3 years ago. I ended up crying in the toilets (trying not to ruin DM's party) but then next day I did ask all of them why I wasn't invited and the excuses were as above. And pretty poor.

I did ask last time and the excuses were unconvincing. I want to be direct and ask Sis50 but that might be the trip switch that blows up the whole extended family unit forever and guess who'd get blamed for that?

I am a very normal, friendly helpful person. Help out on the PTA etc. Make new friends easily as I'm sociable in an appropriate way (not a babbler etc). Am liked throughout the extended family. But not by my siblings it would seem. We do have different political opinions (me Lab them Tory) but I am very socially aware and don't ever bring politics up with anyone unless they do.

I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me.

I've just caught up with the bit about your DM's birthday.

There's clearly a bigger issue here op: its not just your Dsis but all of them, as they have all kept it quiet, organised it other than on the whats app and its not the first time. I thought it was bizarre your DM not weighing in if it was a one-off.

I'm sorry but for some reason they don't like having you there - and the feeling is not limited to your Dsis. None of us can say if its justified or not from what we know, but the fact it isn't just your Dsis and the fact they don't enjoy you being at these functions is plain. Interesting that they include you on whats app and see you individually. You need to think what is different at a group social function. Loudmouth DH? Are you inclined to take over the conversation? But honestly, its hard for us to say.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/07/2025 17:51

There is nothing in OP's posts to indicate that she is 'difficult' or a 'nightmare' at family events. OP sounds self-aware and isn't looking to blame anyone or cause conflict but is simply seeking advice on what she should do now (if anything).

I don't think she will get an explanation about why she was excluded and I think her close family will close ranks. I think she shouldnjust quietly withdraw and concentrate on her own family and friends.

Trovindia · 20/07/2025 17:57

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 01:20

Really appreciate all the posts and perspectives. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but everyone's input, even if completely different, helps me understand how I feel about each suggestion. A few points of clarity:

They live within 10-30 minutes of each other. I live 60 minutes away.
It wasn't mentioned in the family WhatsApp group so everyone must have been invited individually or in another group I'm not aware of.
I got the present delivered to my BIL so she would have it on the morning of her birthday. So she's had it already. No message of thanks received for it yet.
My other Sis and B were in the present group and contributed so knew about it but still didn't think to mention the party.
We see each other about 6 times a year usually. I thought we'd next see each other for her birthday but as it was the first evening of the summer holidays and I know she likes to travel I wondered if she'd gone to Vegas or somewhere memorable for it instead of a get together. It was another family member's birthday in May so it's a normal thing in our family to get together for meals for birthdays.

I didn't want to mention it in my original post so I could get clear perspectives on this incident as a stand alone event. But for my DM's big birthday 3 years ago I was excluded from her actual birthday lunch. She did have a party organised for the next day and I was invited to and did go to that. But at that party my siblings were talking about the lunch they'd had for her actual birthday. I was flabbergasted because I'd suggested me leaving early from work and us all going out for lunch. They live closer so could even have done it on their lunch break but I needed more planning. They literally ignored that message and the next message on the group was a few days later, something banal about a TV programme or something. So I'd tried to organise lunch and was met with silence. Then apparently on the day they all spontaneously decided to take her out and no-one invited me. My DM even specifically messaged my other Sis to invite her when Bro and Sis50 had messaged her about lunch. Wouldn't want Sis to be left out but nevermind Freeze! Apparently that's because I live 'too far away' (60 mins - 50 without traffic) but I have an early finish one day a week and could easily have swapped even on the day. My work is very flexible.

So yes. There is form there but I was very hurt when it happened 3 years ago. I ended up crying in the toilets (trying not to ruin DM's party) but then next day I did ask all of them why I wasn't invited and the excuses were as above. And pretty poor.

I did ask last time and the excuses were unconvincing. I want to be direct and ask Sis50 but that might be the trip switch that blows up the whole extended family unit forever and guess who'd get blamed for that?

I am a very normal, friendly helpful person. Help out on the PTA etc. Make new friends easily as I'm sociable in an appropriate way (not a babbler etc). Am liked throughout the extended family. But not by my siblings it would seem. We do have different political opinions (me Lab them Tory) but I am very socially aware and don't ever bring politics up with anyone unless they do.

I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me.

Based on this I would just withdraw. Don't comment in the WhatsApp, don't message any of them again, send cards for Christmas and birthday only, take days to reply if they contact you and be vague and as though they are an acquaintance.

After a while you can leave the family WhatsApp but in the meantime mute it, archive it, and don't look at it.

I'm sorry your family are so awful.

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 18:07

harriethoyle · 20/07/2025 17:46

Cool story, bro 🥱

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Wow, that showed me.

If this isn't a huge assumption, I don't know what is:

I wonder if PP saying “unless you’re a drunk/objectionable partner/trouble maker" delete as applicable has revealed to OP why she wasn’t invited and she now doesn’t want to concede that…

As PPs have said, there's nothing in the OP's posts to suggest she has behaved badly, and she comes across as thoughtful and reflective.

There are many good people out there (including some on this site) who were the family scapegoat, and did not deserve the horrible treatment dished out to them.

MzHz · 20/07/2025 18:07

Blow the whole fucking thing up @50FreezeOut1

You text your sister and ask her directly why you were excluded, possibly to the whole fucking group because they are all complicit

dpnt leave it to your mum, she allowed this to happen and will try and keep the peace

i say this as someone who has had a very similar dynamic and I blew it all up.

never regretted it for a second.

they CHOSE to show you how you are not a part of their family, so exit and leave them to it.

im sorry. I know this hurts, i know exactly how much it hurts

and yes too to cancelling the meet with your mum

Naddd · 20/07/2025 18:09

This really annoys me when people don't invite you to things and then come out with bs excuses like oh you live too far, didn't think you'd want to on a school night surely that's my decision to make?

Miaminmoo · 20/07/2025 18:18

I’m just not sure why your Mum is allowing them to exclude you like this - especially without explanation. Then she did it herself 3 years ago so I wouldn’t give a toss about blowing anything up, I’d be confronting DSis and telling her to own her shit and spit out why you are excluded - I can’t bear sneaky passive aggressive behaviour that then turns in to gaslighting as they will try and make out you’re being unreasonable for calling them out - you’re not - I’d blow it all up and stop hand-wringing. If you’ve done something, then they owe it to you to be honest and if they haven’t got a valid reason then they are just a group of AH’s and I wouldn’t be worrying about spending any more time with them. I’m sorry they have treated you like this, you sound lovely. Now go get mad……..

Nazzywish · 20/07/2025 18:21

Do you think this is all filtering down from you dm OP? Is she quite toxic and can affect the relationship between siblings. Either way it's awful and I really feel for you.

bloomingbonkerz · 20/07/2025 18:24

That is so mean 😢

riceuten · 20/07/2025 18:28

I’d call your mum first and seek clarification, and proceed accordingly

Crudd99 · 20/07/2025 18:28

TwattyMcFuckFace · 19/07/2025 22:49

I wouldn't drag your mum into it as this was your sister's decision.

I'd probably just get on the WhatsApp group and say something like, "Looks like a great evening, I would've loved an invitation".

I'd expect my mum to say something to me , even if it was to say I wasn't invited. Parents shouldn't have favourites.

tinyspiny · 20/07/2025 18:31

Very mean . I’d be distancing myself at least for a while and that would start by whatsapping your mother now and telling her that you are cancelling tomorrow because you feel very upset about being excluded . Then sit back and see what happens which may well be nothing at all .

Praying4Peace · 20/07/2025 18:31

You need honest answers OP.
You have every right to be upset.

pollymere · 20/07/2025 18:33

Ooh... Life is too short for that.

I'd have turned around to my DM and said "So, how come I'm not invited to family events? You know, like your birthday lunch or Dsis meal? I mean, I'd just rather have the reason than all the weak excuses about how far I live away and things. I'm clearly not welcome or I've offended someone so I'd really rather know to be honest."

BeesBeesMillionsOfBees · 20/07/2025 18:39

Hope you are ok OP, such a horrible situation to be in.

My dad was recently excluded from a family wedding (all of his wider family were asked). He is so hurt by the whole thing. They didn’t include me or my sister and our families which I could understand due to numbers, but they all go on about him being the ‘head of the family’, and yet left him out, but all his siblings were there.
He’s the kindest, most gentle man, and at 80 years old, it felt very unnecessary to do that to him.

For me, I would have to drive to my sister’s home unannounced and ask her in person as I would want to see the look on her face.
WhatsApp is too easy to hide behind, and I would want to see the look on her face when I turned up!

TheDevilFindsWorkForIdleMums · 20/07/2025 18:48

That sounds deliberately nasty.......I wouldn't be giving them the satisfaction of a reaction to it which they'll love. Just cancel any meet ups and quietly withdraw.

Arran2024 · 20/07/2025 18:51

That's awful. Look into family scapegoating.

ArtTheClown · 20/07/2025 18:52

I'm sorry but for some reason they don't like having you there - and the feeling is not limited to your Dsis. None of us can say if its justified or not from what we know, but the fact it isn't just your Dsis and the fact they don't enjoy you being at these functions is plain. Interesting that they include you on whats app and see you individually. You need to think what is different at a group social function. Loudmouth DH? Are you inclined to take over the conversation? But honestly, its hard for us to say.

The OP comes across as perfectly nice and reasonable. But that aside - so what? One of my brothers has a pretty awful wife, but I still don't exclude them - I grit my teeth because I like spending time with him and my nephew, and I have no desire to put him in a difficult situation either.
The love of your family shoulnd't be conditional on you being a flawless human being.