Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

This.

@50FreezeOut1 so have you said anything on the group ?

not sure about OP but i don't like to let things lie, it makes me feel better to lob the grenade.

As i said, that's me. Other people are different.

I agree.

I think the advice to just leave it, be the bigger person, etc, is ultimately more damaging to the OP.

Whoever is instigating this is counting on OP being quiet and being afraid to rock the boat. In calling out this behaviour OP would be taking some power back. It's a totally reasonable response.

If the family gossip about it so what, I'd rather stand up for myself than be seen as a pushover.

I definitely wouldn't be meeting the mother tomorrow and I wouldn't even give a reason. Just don't turn up.

The back story is often that children are assigned family roles, one being Golden Child and the other Scapegoat. Nothing the child has actually done 'qualifies' them for the role, they are essentially randomly assigned by a narcissistic parent (the other parent usually being a more passive Enabler of the Narcissist - anything for a quiet life, eh? Even if it involves fucking up your kids.)

Golden Child - sun shines out of their arse, praised for remembering to breathe in and out alternately, showered with material goods. Often ends up as an infantilised spoiled waster, unable to deal with a world which expects more of them than breathing in and out.

Scapegoat - socialised from birth to be grateful for any crumbs that might fall their way from the Affection Table, and expected to constantly demonstrate gratitude for said crumbs. Made clear to them from an early age that material goods are not going to be just handed over to them by their parents, they'll have to work hard for them and actually buy everything they need/want for themselves. Often ends up as a very capable person able to handle pretty much anything life throws at them, but crippled by low self-esteem and people-pleasing tendencies.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. (Thank you, Philip Larkin.)

If you don't know any Golden Children / Scapegoats personally (and many of us do, once we sit down and think about it), there's plenty to be found here at Mumsnet, particularly on the Stately Homes threads.

I suspect IntheCafe has a Golden Child and Scapegoat of her own based on her responses on this thread. Textbook Narcissist apologist

@Brefugee Same here. Perhaps I’ll hear something nasty or hurtful, but I’d rather know.

You're being blatantly excluded and they're not likely to tell you why. The birthday lunch for your mom and now this party says it's not just coming from the sister. This is really nasty and deliberately hurtful.

It's time to match their energy. Don't get gifts. Don't invite them to your stuff. Don't help them out if they ask, you're busy. Drop the rope completely.

This is definitely not an OK way to be treated OP, and you're not being over sensitive, dramatic, a troublemaker, or similar that they throw at you for sticking up for yourself.

My guess is there is someone - sibling or BIL/SIL - who for whatever reason, feels worse about themselves when you're around. Could be more than one of them. Are you significantly different from them in terms of wealth, status, attractiveness, marital status, independence, education, your children's successes? Someone is jealous of you and because they all see more of each other due to proximity, they've been able to push you out.

Your mum will be going along with it to keep the peace.

My advice is to call your DSis 50, very calm and light tone, wish her happy birthday, ask if she liked her gift. Then same tone say you noticed the party pics and you wondered why you hadn't been invited. The more calm and chatty you are, the more likely to get answers to your questions. Ask as much as you can to understand what's going on in her head : "Ah I see. So did you think I wouldn't find out, or that I wouldn't mind? So was it something your DH set up then?"
Don't try to get her to understand how you feel or to be empathetic- that ship's sailed.
Similarly if appropriate with your DBro, other DSis, and DM.

Once you have all of their takes on it, have a sit and think about what you want from these people, and decide what your relationship is going to be in future.

I really sympathise because my family did similar, and it was all from sibling envy but my parents didn't back me and it really hurt.

don't get me wrong, i don't hang about for the aftermath. Did it with DH's family. Just told them all they were utter fuckers and left all chats. I literally neither know nor care what they thought of or said about that.

This is what I'd do too. I'd be all bright and breezy about it; make it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that I knew all about their furtive little get together without me and that I wasn't in the least bit bothered about their petty behaviour.

Mostly because it would drive them utterly potty to know that I knew, and the carelessness about it would make them wonder whether one of them had told me all about why I wasn't invited.

And then just wait and see. Play the long game.

I'd be ignoring every single one of them, including DM, until they come to you with apologies an explanations.

It's a really awful way to treat a sibling and intentionally cruel IMO when they know full well that you were upset at being excluded form the family meal for DM last year.

The nerve of them to be in a family group chat with you and not mention it at all, and to LET YOU ARRANGE THE GROUP GIFT?!!

Bastards, the lot of them.

I'd be cancelling tomorrow, no reason given, and blanking all of their messages and calls.

Talk about othering a family member and making them feel like shit!

Hard agree.

I couldn't rest until I'd told every one of them they're a twat.

Horses for courses, and all that.

I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me.

I do wonder if there's a long history of your family treating you as a scapegoat. It's entirely understandable that you're hurt by their behaviour, and you should be able to say so without all hell breaking loose and your family blaming you for it.

Your family have treated you very badly. Are they all in on this, do you think, or could it be possible that one or two toxic individuals are pulling the strings and lying to the others, e.g. by claiming that you are unkind to them or saying that you were invited but didn't want to come? If there's a chance of this, I would contact any of the family members who might not be aware and see what they say. If they make the same lame excuses as the others, then at least you know where you stand.

It's easy for me to say as it's not my family, but if they're all excluding you, I think I would simply leave the WhatsApp group and stop making any effort with them. It sounds very much as though they meant to hurt you, and in that case, walking away without giving them a reaction might be for the best. But if you really want to say your piece, then why not say it? Who cares what they think? Based on what you've written, they are not good people and you don't have to stick around to take any blame or insults they might throw in your direction.

I think this is really good advice and is what I would be doing in this situation.

Mother? And father? And all siblings? Cousins? Aunts and uncles? In laws?

none of them mentioned to op. None of them invited op.

if that doesn’t smell of a back story, then I don’t know what does

as is say… chances of getting objective version of said back story? Less than zero

A memorial service was arranged for my late mother by my siblings to which I was excluded. Indeed I knew nothing about it until the day my dad died three years later (they were long divorced). Two blows in one day

It was driven by my cunt of a sister who, for unfathomable reasons, loathes me. Our other relatives were surprised that I wasn’t there and when I informed them years later, that I knew nothing about it, were shocked and disgusted with them. I wouldn’t piss on any of them if they were burning in front of me - I’d call the fire brigade and walk on

No back story other than a manipulative and narcissistic sister. I should imagine there’s a similar scenario here

We only ever get one side of the story here.

It's possible that the OP is the scapegoat and the whole family has just inexplicably assigned her to that role and don't want her around despite her or not having done anything wrong.

But it's also possible that she doesn't behave appropriately or there is some sort of a backstory that she isn't sharing or may not even acknowledge herself. There's no way to know.

At this point if I were her I think I would probably cut ties with my family or at least go low contact.

It could be one or two people pulling the strings here. They could be telling the others they invited OP and she couldn't make it.

I'm not sure why you're so surprised, lots of people are unfairly treated in dysfunctional families. Sometimes people are dickheads to others who doesn't deserve it, often due to jealousy.

Not one of your other relatives contacted you to ask why you weren’t there?

What was your relationship like with your mother @Wadadli ?

This is just awful OP. I’m so sorry. All I can think to suggest is that you ignore them as best you can and put your energy into other friendships in an effort to minimise their power to hurt you.

Sweet Jesus

simply because I think that for 10 adults to all decide not to invite someone and keep it very hush indicates something of a back story?

how peculiar

How fortunate you are not to understand the dynamics of a dysfunctional family, or the manipulative behaviour of narcissists.