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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to DSis big birthday

614 replies

50FreezeOut1 · 19/07/2025 22:42

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

OP posts:
Strawberrycream123 · 20/07/2025 14:14

My husbands family have done this to him for years. I’ve raised it with them once… and had it all turned on me. So I distanced myself, and guess what. It still happened to my husband. He raised it again… and hey, you’ve guessed it. All blamed on him. Now they don’t talk to us, and they blame us for it. They have “power in numbers” and use it to exclude. I have no idea if your situation is similar, but I’ve learnt that there’s no reasoning with people like this sometimes, and when you bring it to their attention they will refuse to see any fault, and would rather cause ww3 than simply apologise.

Wreckinball · 20/07/2025 14:20

All I can think is they don’t like your partner/DH

Orange3344 · 20/07/2025 14:21

This is so hurtful, I would need an explanation. 60 minutes is nothing, people travel that twice a day for work, it can't be that. I live a 7-8 hour flight away from my family and still was invited to my brother's 40th and I timed my trip back to attend. They wouldn't invite me to regular birthdays though as they wouldn't expect me to be around but I live a long long way away. There must be an explanation OP and you might need to dig deeply to get it. I am so sorry, this is so hurtful to you.

rainingsnoring · 20/07/2025 14:23

Wreckinball · 20/07/2025 14:20

All I can think is they don’t like your partner/DH

a) why do you assume that this the case?
b) why would any decent, loving family exclude their own child because they disliked their partner? Surely you would make sure to maintain the relationship with the child if you were concerned that the partner may be abusive?

657904I · 20/07/2025 14:33

I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me.

^ Sorry, I don’t mean to be hurtful but I feel I am stating the obvious - your family don’t treat you like part of their unit and they seemingly don’t even like you. I’m not saying they are justified, just that it’s clear how they feel from their actions spanning years…

therefore, don’t give them what they want by confronting them. They want something to use against you. I would just go for the slow fade, be less available, don’t get them gifts or just get them something cheap and token, send them birthday wishes late if at all, don’t message them, don’t respond to them with any urgency? Just keep them on the back burner like they do with you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/07/2025 14:33

"I did ask last time and the excuses were unconvincing. I want to be direct and ask Sis50 but that might be the trip switch that blows up the whole extended family unit forever and guess who'd get blamed for that?"
Why do you think asking what was going on would "[blow] up the whole extended family unit"? I can appreciate your immediate family - mother and siblings - would take the hump at having their mindfuckery being pointed out, but why the extended family?

"I am a very normal, friendly helpful person. Help out on the PTA etc. Make new friends easily as I'm sociable in an appropriate way (not a babbler etc). Am liked throughout the extended family. But not by my siblings it would seem. We do have different political opinions (me Lab them Tory) but I am very socially aware and don't ever bring politics up with anyone unless they do."
Again - "Am liked throughout the extended family." So why would any action of yours blow up the extended family?

"I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me."
And again - you fear blowing up / destroying the family? Why do you fear this? In what way could any action on your part destroy the family unit? How fragile must the family unit be if questions could destroy it?

(Edited for typos)

usedtobeaylis · 20/07/2025 14:41

They sound awful OP. If you're not going to question them directly I think you should maybe cancel seeing your mum tomorrow and take some space. This is so awful and hurtful.

RealEagle · 20/07/2025 14:44

Why not just ask on the wassap group ,see what shit they come out with.

WickWood · 20/07/2025 14:50

This is so hurtful! I would definitely call them out but then I'm not sure where I'd go from there, as its unlikely their reasons/excuses will be at all valid.

MoveOverToTheSea · 20/07/2025 14:51

@WhereYouLeftIt I think you’re naive in thinking that you can fall out with your mother and all your siblings and for that to have no impact on your relationship with the rest of the family. People take sides. And let’s be honest, it’s easier to shunt 1 person than the 3 other siblings and their families.

And that’s wo going into the fact the OP’s family will present a totally different truth and will make out she is unreasonable. They never meant like that. It was just a mistake etc etc….

Figgygal · 20/07/2025 14:56

What a bunch of assholes
Sorry OP

Foreverexhausted1 · 20/07/2025 14:58

I'd have to ask why I wasn't invited. Then when the poor excuses come you have the information you need to decide what to do. And if that's distance yourself, I would tell them exactly why you are doing that and leave the family WhatsApp group. I speak from experience. It's so hurtful to find out things have been done behind your back but you need to stand up for yourself here or it will happen again

Twiglets1 · 20/07/2025 15:02

Will @50FreezeOut1 return to the thread I wonder.

knackredd · 20/07/2025 15:25

Flossflower · 20/07/2025 07:35

on the face of it, it sounds awful. Is there some reason like you need someone to put you up or a lift if you stay?

Do you have a husband/partner that they dont like - drinker? contrary? has a past or lifestyle they dont approve of?

That might explain it but doesnt excuse it.

It sounds like you have a vry enmeshed family with some dreadful dynamics that you need to come to terms with. Your DMs actions on both occassions are unforgivable.

I had something similiar in my family but the expectation is that you take the beating (being excluded and then humilated on SM to ensure you know) and then are expected to keep showing up so they can enjoy you battered and bruised emotional state. Dont give it to them @50FreezeOut1.

Dont ask why - thats a trap to provoke and cause conflict which will somehow be your fault and/or they will say some rubblish like last time (mine said we 'thought' you were on holiday).

Take away the final kicks they are getting out of subjugating you and your family. Just quietly withdraw. Dont flounce from the WA. Dont initiate any further contact. When/if they contact you - respond a few days later with cut and paste bland vanilla responses.

Fade them out. But it is deeply and viscerally painful to do this - I would suggest professional support - and then getting really busy with friends and other family who care for you and prioritise building great relationships here.

Wadadli · 20/07/2025 15:42

Tweedledumtweedle · 20/07/2025 02:49

I wonder do you drink too much or do you have form for having fights with someone? Otherwise if not, then really they’re horrible

Victim blaming much!

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 15:59

Wadadli · 20/07/2025 15:42

Victim blaming much!

Show quote history

Or just wondering why an entire family prefer to get together without the op. Not normal behaviour generally unless there’s at least of a whiff of a back story. And i think we can all be confident the op is unlikely to be the most objective on any said backstory

Brefugee · 20/07/2025 16:00

to be clear, when i suggest throwing in the hand grenade, i don't mean "and discuss/argue with them"

the statement: sister is a fucker for not thanking op for the gift, family are cunts for excluding. kthksbai

Weeee · 20/07/2025 16:08

OP there must be a backstory. This is not normal family behaviour IRL .

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 16:10

Brefugee · 20/07/2025 16:00

to be clear, when i suggest throwing in the hand grenade, i don't mean "and discuss/argue with them"

the statement: sister is a fucker for not thanking op for the gift, family are cunts for excluding. kthksbai

Do you think they’d care? Given… they don’t wish to have the OP around at family events?

BruFord · 20/07/2025 16:20

Weeee · 20/07/2025 16:08

OP there must be a backstory. This is not normal family behaviour IRL .

I agree @Weeee Either the OP has upset someone or they’ve turned her into family scapegoat.

One of my friends was left out by her sister for several years because apparently, she didn’t make enough fuss/celebration when she visited the hospital after her sister gave birth to her first child. They’re in a better place now, but my friend still doesn’t know what she was supposed to have done differently during that visit!

Personally, I’d want to know why they’re doing this, but if the OP decides to go LC and not ask, that’s also understandable.

Hummusanddipdip · 20/07/2025 16:32

I'd breeze it in the family WhatsApp
"Hey dsis, just want to check bil gave you your present and it fits/suits/looks as expected/whatever. Saw the photos from your meal out, hope you all had a great evening. See you soon"

I wouldn't necessarily cancel on mum, just ignore it, but if you feel you need to cancel just tell her you're too tired/sick/whatever excuse and just leave them to it.

You don't need to ask why you weren't invited, they have form for leaving you out. Just let them know you know and only see them when you have to.

Biids · 20/07/2025 16:35

Do you talk politics at people’s birthdays or something? Or do you always ask for lifts/inconvenience people in some way? Habitually late? Complain about stuff? There has to be something behind this because it seems very odd for such a large number of people to exclude you.

Poonu · 20/07/2025 16:36

Not necessarily. Some people in families are just nasty.

Spindrifts · 20/07/2025 16:39

Are you prepared to put yourself through this again and again? I would have a word with one of the independent parties i.e. an in law and see what they say. Either that or Ma Freeze Out and Big Sis are VERY controlling and you need to distance yourself permanently post haste. Are you not worth more than this? I removed a lot of members of my family when my parents died and am now only in contact with one very mild mannered member who is lovely. The other can go whistle.

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 20/07/2025 16:41

I would have to message on the group

“Wow, how to let someone know they’re not considered part of the family. Not only actively hiding two birthday get-togethers in x months, not even a thank you Sis for arranging, buying and sending the present from me and siblings. Going forward, I will match your energy“

I would then mute the chat, not block but no notifications and take time out from them. Grey rock any replies unless they are truly apologetic, give honest reasons and you feel able to talk.

Look after yourself, @50FreezeOut1 - You are worth it x