Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

Another reason the OP might not get invited is if she tends to try changing events she is invited to to suit her. For instance she gets an invite to an Indian restaurant at 7pm and says she/ child doesn’t like Indian food and 7 is too late so how about bland different restaurant at 3pm so the person whose birthday it is doesn’t get the sort of meal they were wanting.

Your flight of fancy may be correct but I very much doubt it. From her posts, OP sounds sensible and measured in her response to her mum's and siblings' exclusion of her from important family milestone events.

Surely even you would agree that it is the height of rudeness and ingratitude for her sister not to thank OP for the gift that she bought and posted to her brother in law to give to her sister on the morning of her birthday?

What you do depends on how you want things to be going forward as far as you are concerned. You can't change them. It does not sound like you will get a genuine apology if they already have form for this. Personally I would probably use such a situation as the excuse for lighting the blue touch paper, if I were prepared to do so. If you wish to remain in whatever contact they permit but keep some dignity intact without rocking the boat then you probably just need to ignore and grey-rock.

Yes if she realised it was from the OP not the BIL

Hey OP’s sister- did you have a good night?

Yes, I've been there as well. Only family member not invited to brothers wedding, family holidays and visits to each others houses for long weekends that I was never included in. Way before social media so I only ever found out when randomly mentioned in conversations.

Never knew why, havent seen any of my siblings since death of last parent. I havent blocked any of them, I have just adapted the method of making as much effort with them as they do with me, hence havent seen them and dont expect to again.

It has actually made my life easier as I no longer worry or get upset as to why no one in my family ever wanted a relationship with me. It is what it is and I have my own family and friends that I have replaced them with.

Why are you making things up to try to justify the OP not being invited to two major family events, without any reason having been given?

Im sorry op but 60 min journey isnt far, they are being nasty!!! I wouldn’t be able to be passive and not ask them about why they did this. So left out of dsis 50 meal and also dm meal, that’s pathetic, if their excuse is that u live too far away. Bullshit. Don’t bother in future if thats what they are like. My mum would NEVER leave out a sibling from an occasion. We’d all get asked n fair enough if one can’t come, but at least we’ve been invited

I’d have to call them out though there’s more to this story I’m guessing.
No family would just leave one person out unless there had been issues. Makes no sense.

There will most likely be a reason one or maybe more of them don’t extend the invite to you, hurtful as it is.
Do they like your husband? Have your kids got form for disrupting meals? Do you pay your share?
If you really can’t think of anything, I’d ask. If there is no reason and it’s just meanness, I’d seriously reduce contact I think. I don't think this dynamic is all that unusual in families with multiple siblings though, always makes me roll my eyes on threads where people are contemplating 2nd/3rd/4th kids as it'll be lovely for them to have family - Not always, and everyone I know that has fractious family relationships comes from a big sibling group! Hope you get an answer OP.

I can explain to you why it happened to me and see how much sense it makes to you.

There is 6 years between me and DB. He messed around at school and did poorly in his A levels and had to resit them twice. I was a bright and bookish child and did well in my A levels. I went off to university at aged 18 and that’s when the campaign to cut me out started. By the time I graduated and had a good job offer, his jealousy was out of control. He realised then that if he could isolate me from the family he could inherit everything left. Some of the lies he told about me to achieve this were insane. Ironically, I didn’t and still couldn’t care less about the family money (of which there isn’t a lot anyway).

it’s not a reflection of me as a person. I didn’t do anything and was very young when the campaign started. I have a great relationship with all my inlaws, my own family and the family of my son’s partner. Lots of friends. It is what it is with the others and my life is better having made the decision finally to go NC (10 years ago) and leave them to it.

It happens, more than you think.

i am firmly in the "pin out throw handgrenade" school of thought.
So my reaction would be to write one message in the family group along the lines of the sister is fucking rude (and i would use that word) not to thank me for the gift, and that they are all cunts for leaving me out of yet another family event"

and then say nothing more.

This is awful @50FreezeOut1
They have excluded you and yet you are the one worrying about the impact on family if you call it out.

How hurtful… maybe you need to drop a note on the group WhatsApp and say ‘I would have loved to have been there to celebrate DSIs special birthday. Did you all forget to invite me’ and leave it hanging there.

It never ceases to amaze me how posters don’t follow this thought through

This family has repeatedly decided to exclude OP.

quite clearly they don’t particularly care about her nor enjoy her company, so do you really think some kind of big show down is going to impact them to any real extent whatsoever? More like dinner conversation fodder for their next family get together

Presumably you are fortunate enough to come from a family where this hasn't happened and so assume that it doesn't happen.
Unfortunately, favouritism and leaving out one person for no good reason is common. I'm sure the people who do it justify it to themselves by making excuses eg 50freeze chose to live too far away, 50 freeze's children are too old/young, 50 freeze's DH is from a different culture or, a common one, X (golden child) is struggling with their mental health and is on a low income so we need to support them, whereas they have actually been lazy and useless, maybe got into trouble with the law/drugs, and are unable to hold down a job, which the parents have enabled.
Not everyone's family is kind and reasonable.

Yes

So all the suggestions to have some kind of Jerry springer showdown is so daft

The entire family aren’t bothered if she attends family events and indeed actively keep it from her. Why would these people care whether the OP confronts them and threatens to cut them off? They patently wouldn’t be particularly bothered

That's the thing. They will just laugh and use it to justify their bad behaviour even more. 'Freeze is nuts, what a crazy reaction'.

Ghosting is better imo.

Yes absolutely

have some kind of show down op… and they’ll be chuckling about it over beers at the next family gathering.

ghost them… and they may or may not pursue you and then if they enquire why, you can tell them calmly why.

But for heavens sakes don’t “have it out with them”. This family aren’t bothered

You are just making things up, now. And no, it's not because you've got a good imagination - you haven't.

This is very sound advice, what you’ve said is true.

No matter what they think, just because there are more of them, doesn’t make them right!

If you want to know and feel like saying something…
I wouldn’t go backwards with going forward.

Just simply ask, was there a reason I wasn’t invited?

However, silence is always much louder. even acting like you aren’t phased by it.

I think for my own peace of mind I would want to say something but would do it verbally, not in writing. And fully with the expectation that it will go into the family lore.

Favoritism in families is a big thing - unfortunately some parents encourage it. If this is the case, nothing you say would make any difference. It may well be that someone has decided OP is in the wrong for something and is driving this.

But if it is an unthinking habit which has grown up because they are all 'local' that may make it worth pointing out to them that you know they did this, it has happened before, and it is deeply hurtful.

I would see mum on Monday, ask her about it and be prepared to leave early if she gets hostile or attacking.

I wasn't suggesting the OP had done anything but there must be a pattern of behaviour from the wider family. Is it just these two isolated incidents they have been excluded from or have they always had a difficult relationship with the rest of the family? Just trying to understand the dynamics.

Don't give them the satisfaction of a big blow up. Instead, go lc/nc and create for yourself a boundary that doesn't allow them to hurt you like this.

Just stop: no outreach, no arranging gifts, no follow up. Don't ignore outright unless you go NC, but otherwise stop actively engaging.

I have a theory that in social groups like this they need someone to be on the "outside" to validate their own position. You can't make them include you, but you can create enough distance that you no longer feel excluded because you've taken control of your level of involvement.