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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to DSis big birthday

614 replies

50FreezeOut1 · 19/07/2025 22:42

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 20/07/2025 11:12

”I see I have been deliberately excluded yet again. How hurtful. The fact that I organised the gift would surely have ment that I warranted an invitation, let alone the fact that we are all family. I am going to withdraw for a while whilst I process this.”

Then don’t respond when they come up with their shitty excuses. You need to look after you. 💐

IMI350 · 20/07/2025 11:22

Dunno if I'm just like this. But why can't you just be straightforward and say, "That was rude! Why would you think it's ok to invite everyone except me. Because it's very offensive and I thought I was your sister. If there is a reason, I would like to know." Then after that cut them all off until they start treating you like a normal human being with respect. Sometimes there are perfectly normal explanations or mixups or misunderstandings. Perhaps someone said something like oh i told your sister and she said shes busy. You never know which one is doing what. Ive had my sister mess up family plans out of jelousy and until I spoke up and asked what happened I didn't realise it was her and blamed my in laws the whole time and they blamed me!

ParmaVioletTea · 20/07/2025 11:23

Oh, @50FreezeOut1 I'm so so sorry - big hugs.

I think you need to broach it with your mother. Why are you being excluded?

It's awful, and you living an hour away is not a good reason.

I'd be interested in your place in the birth order of you & your siblings ...

FeistyFrankie · 20/07/2025 11:24

OP I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. From your update it sounds like you're the black sheep of the family. They've assigned you this role for quite trivial reasons too (living further away and different political views). If they wanted to include you, they absolute could, and would. But they don't want to and it sounds like that's because, as a group, they like to have an outsider and unfortunately that is you.

What can you do about it? Firstly try your best to emotionally detach from them. It's the hardest thing to do because they are your family, but you have no other choice. This is not your fault and you are not to blame!! Not in the slightest!! They have behaved appallingly and that is 100% on them. You need to take a step back and protect yourself from them. They are toxic and dysfunctional and the longer you maintain the facade that your family is normal, or cares about you the way that they should, the more disappointed and hurt you'll feel when they inevitably (and predictably) let you down.

Take a step back, get some therapy, and look after yourself. You need to start priorising people who genuinely care about you and respect you.

FloofyKat · 20/07/2025 11:33

I think I would call your sister. Be to the point with her. Hi sis, I’m really disappointed and upset that you deliberately excluded me from your birthday meal. All the rest of the family were there - why did you not invite me? Have I offended you in some way?

askmenow · 20/07/2025 11:39

It does appear you're very much on the fringes of the family.

Did you leave home to go to Uni and they stayed more local? Have you a different lifestyle, more affluent, more diverse? Perhaps they cant relate?

Given they have stayed more to your parents, you have to an extent removed yourself from the family circle? It's not an excuse and clearly hurtful.

I would go to lunch with your mum, but very much in the mindset that this may be my last lunch with her for a while.
Explain how you feel and tell her you're distancing yourself from your siblings due to the toxic nature of their behaviour. Its inexcusable your Dsis hasn't thanked you for the gift.

At the end of the day you need to do what's best for you and your own.
What does your DF say to all these shenanigans?

Tartantotty · 20/07/2025 11:40

Very strange unless there have been issues in the past....

If not...,maybe they forgot to send you an invite. Maybe you're loud and dominating.

Get this out into the open and call your sister. Say your perplexed and hurt. Take it from there..

Stay silent on the WhatApp group. Or, be bold and post 'looks great, wish I had been there'

TakeMe2Insanity · 20/07/2025 11:43

Just read your update.

You absolutely must ask and you must be prepared to walk if this is the way the extended family is running.

MoodyMargaret11 · 20/07/2025 11:44

Suecee · 20/07/2025 07:10

Family can be traitors, and it only takes 1 and a conspiritor to set the ball rolling.

My sil was a bitch, she was an only child who wanted everything her way, and threw spanners in everyone's works on a regular basis. She was 40 odd yrs old, lost both parents and fake doted on my mother, which fed my mothers narcissistic profile to the hilt (I was blind to that for years, so spent YEARS trying to make things right)

We generally had bonfire parties, me then you... id done 3 years on the trott so I refused to do the next. Sil wasnt happy, she thought she had forced that pony, and I wasnt willing to change my mind, so no bonfire that yr.

Dad heard her moaning to mum and he (always the placator) invited us all to his bonfire party... which wouldnt please mum as she had to cook, rather than playing queen bee.
On the eve of the party I arrived with hubby and 3 kids, I parked the car and sil drove up, she was out of her car before I even got the keys out of the ignition, she Opened my car door and scathingly complained "you said you didn't want a bonfire party, why are you here"
-AT MY PARENTS HOME!
WHEN INVITED!-
I told her, I didnt want to DO ANOTHER bonfire. Dad invited us, and we are here.

I walked into the house, said hi to mum. Went to see dad who was finishing off prepping the pyre, and for the duration of the party I didnt speak or give eye contact to sil once. I told my bro that shes a bitch. He knew that. They were divorced 2 years later, my attitude towards her never faltered after that night, she didnt exist.

What was incredible to me was my mothers attitude re the situation
I went to see her the next day, as I hadn't caused a scene, and for all intents and purposes everything was fine. Mum was so into herself she never saw any silence between sil and I.
When I told her what transpired at the car, she said .... and it knocked the breath out of me, even now years later!

"It was your father's fault.... he shouldn't have invited you"!

Totally blind side, id done parties for YEARS, and everyone came. Mum. Played queen bee, even spoilt a few by her attitude, but she was always invited back.

That comment finished me. I did have get togethers, but pared down, and who I wanted.

Your mother sounds like mine, did she not believe what you told her or did she take SIL's side?
Either way, you just have hern so hurt that she didn't care how you felt.

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 11:44

She could go to lunch with the mum @askmenow but don’t forget her mum was the first person to exclude her from a family event so she legitimised this behaviour and has gone on to condone her other children perpetuating it.

It was in someone’s best interests for the OP to be moved to the outer circle of this family and she didn’t notice it happening until it was a done deal and now too late to reverse. It absolutely won’t be about her being a vegan or her political views or her weight! Most likely one of the siblings or the mother has a deep rooted jealousy and insecurity about her. They probably couldn’t even articulate the reasons why they have done what they’ve done even if they were asked outright.

Crinkle77 · 20/07/2025 11:52

Very strange unless there have been issues in the past....

Yes there is to be something. What are you not telling us OP?

Ukholidaysaregreat · 20/07/2025 11:53

I would be fully honest. I would say 'I feel really hurt not to be invited to this birthday dinner. Especially after I organised the lovely join present from us all as a family. I feel gutted. Please can we talk about this together.' and send to sister. Haven't read all posts yet. Will read now.

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 11:55

There really doesn’t have to be a back story! Have a look at one of the Stately Homes threads. The victim of this kind of toxicity has rarely done anything to merit it! In the same way that the child picked on at school or the woman assaulted on a night out hasn’t asked for it or deserved it either. You might like to think this is the case but unfortunately it’s not the case.

Also this manipulative bullshit of not telling what the OP what she has done to be excluded but expecting her to examine her own character and behaviour and guess why it’s not acceptable and then change is massively destructive to OP’s mental wellbeing.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 20/07/2025 12:00

OP just read your update. What a strange dynamic. I agree with other posters that you could be the Scape goat. So awful when families have these strange dynamics going on. It is really difficult to work within these parameters. It might be worth having a blow up with family about it and then reducing your contact. You sound lovely so why they are treating you like this is a mystery.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 20/07/2025 12:01

P.s. I wouldn't cry in the toilets. I'd go full on crying and snotting into the party!

2Rebecca · 20/07/2025 12:01

If you had gone to the meal would you have expected you plus maybe your family to be hosted for the night? That’s the main reason I could think that your sister maybe inviting you was too much faff. A fun meal out and a family hosting obligation are different. If you often just drive to meet them then drive home again that is less valid as an excuse

GAJLY · 20/07/2025 12:02

I'd actually phone sister to ask if she had a nice birthday, did she receive me present and why wasn't I invited to the meal. Then I'd call up mum to ask what's going on? You'll know more about how you feel pending on their responses. Afterwards you may feel inclined to leave a message on the family group whatsapp, saying you're hurt and disappointed to have been excluded from a family meal. Especially when asked to contribute towards her present! Then leave the group. Perhaps a break from them will do you good.

PurpleRobe · 20/07/2025 12:03

This sort of thing happens to me with my family. But I think it's because I live 2 hours away and non of them like planning ahead.

I'll try and plan ahead as I need to for the distance and they say "I can't think that far ahead." Then nothing is confirmed and then I find out an event went ahead!

It is upsetting . Because it wouldn't hurt them to plan say 3 weeks ahead or even if they text a few days before I could perhaps make it work.

I've given up now.

Could it be the distance for you OP too?

DelphiniumBlue · 20/07/2025 12:04

Personally, I would compose a message to be sent to the siblings individually, and send it while you are at the lunch with your Mum. At the same time, ask your Mum why you weren't invited. Don't give them the chance to confer. Then get up and walk away.

PurpleRobe · 20/07/2025 12:05

Definitely ask other siblings and mother who planned the event and why you weren't invited.

When I've done that with my family they just say "oh it was last minute and you're far away"

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 12:17

Muffinmam · 20/07/2025 06:53

This is exactly what I’m like.

I cut people off if they exclude me.

Show quote history

But if they exclude you @Muffinmam …. I am going to guess they’re not bothered if you “cut them off”

They already sort have cut you off

Wadadli · 20/07/2025 12:17

gamerchick · 19/07/2025 22:46

It's on all of them tbh. Your mother included.

I would be cancelling seeing her Monday and telling her that you'll be processing being excluded by all of them for a bit.

I’d have cancelled already with no explanation AND I’d be screening calls for a week at least

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 12:19

This sister will presumably have a very valid and compelling reason why she’s not invited the OP. I mean… if you love and care for someone, you invite them. If you don’t, then you don’t invite them.

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 12:20

And the fact that no one, not even your parents, told you and all attended…. Surely indicates that they fully accept her reasoning as completely valid

Anonymouseposter · 20/07/2025 12:23

I wouldn't just distance yourself without asking why you weren't invited. I would want to know exactly what went on in the background and how complicit your parents were in the whole thing.
When you weren't invited to your Mum's lunch three years ago did your Mum issue the invitations or did a sibling organise it as a last minute surprise?
I would be direct. Discussing it with your mother without talking to your sister is a form of triangulation and will just confuse things more. This event was your sister's party and she isn't a child.
I would either phone your sister or better still comment on the WattsApp group, "Looks like fun but to be honest I'm hurt that I wasn't invited when everyone else knew about the party, particularly as I had organised the birthday present. What's that about?
There has been some shenanigans behind the scenes and I would want to know who is behind it before deciding what to do. If your Mum is in the middle rather than the instigator I would want to know why she felt that she had to go along with not mentioning it. After speaking to your sister I would ask your Mum about it and see what she says too.

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