Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

My two sisters and parents started organising family events without me around 2017 and 2018. I told them how upset I was by their behaviour, they told me to grow up so I went no contact for six months in 2019. Then regretted it throughout COVID! And my goodness my mum complained that she couldn't see her grandkids and how unfair it all was. Works both ways!

I ended up having a sit down conversation with them afterwards about how it hurt me to not be invited to events. They used the excuse that I live three hours away, whereas they're all within an hours drive if each other, which imo (based on other comments in this thread) is not a valid reason for not inviting close family. I suspect it's because I've always been the black sheep of the family and likely neurodivergent. I also had kids first which was an excuse they used for a while.

After talking to them, they now go out of their way to ask if I want to go to family events and over explain if they don't invite me. But at least I feel they've acknowledged my feelings.

Moveovertothesea - Not no contact, low contact. It wasn't just the birthday party, it was also the mother's sit down lunch, so clearly I'd say some unresolved issues. We only have the OP version of events, so no we don't know the ins and outs, there has to be more to it as you suggest. However, taking the facts as relayed to us at face value, and I'd say with both occasions in the mix, where she has been ostracised, not to mention an unacknowledged birthday present, something is going on behind her back. I think very hurtful, baffling and a reason to fret. So either she faces all of this head on, be prepared for a massive confrontation, maybe that's something she doesn't want. The other option is to kind of gradually phase out of these collective events, where she isn't included and maybe pass on some of the disquiet as to what she is suffering from on to them. Let them ponder as to the role they may have played in her going cold with a barely there level of contact.

seems to me you have 2 choices. Go LC or NC without fanfare or blow the family up. Me? I'd blow the family up but its your choice.

Your family are horrible @50FreezeOut1. They have deliberately excluded you twice, apparently without any obvious explanation.

I think you have two options.
Either ask your sister directly, but face to face rather than on the WhatsApp group where your question will be ignored or a non answer given.
Or, just take a huge step back and stop seeing them, tell them you are busy and then ignore communications.

It will all be your fault whichever option you take but option 2 doesn't make a drama, which might make you feel better and reducing their bitching.

Cross posted with you. I just said exactly the same.

Also I would add, there is a big difference in being invited to the mother's birthday party where the OP was included, but being excluded from the mother's birthday lunch, an altogether more of an intimate affair before this latest exclusion with the sister. Lets put ourselves in the OP's position of course that would trigger hurt not to mention huge question marks. Only she can know whether she would prefer to address it head on and risk confrontation, or go low contact, personally I think the latter would serve them all right, let them, if they have any decency, stew in their unkind behaviour and possibly feel guilty as to their sneaky, underhand tactics.

It’s very bizarre, given the details in your second post. I’d straight up just say how it made you feel and ask why. Why not? If you don’t then it probably will keep happening

Agree

@Katrinawaves
You and I disagree and that's fine.

I would always advocate discussion so you get clarity to make better decisions. I would always suggest asking the difficult (sometimes awkward) questions to get to that.

I think the previous suggestion of 'Looks like you had a great time. Why wasn't I invited?' is good.
It is to the point, unemotional and requires a response.

Because this has happened to a friend of mine and had a happy outcome, I would always suggest 'clearing the air' before going no contact with your entire family.

@50FreezeOut1 that is awful. if there has been no fall out then this is shocking. don't think I would forget this. definitely it for me. the rest of the family have obviously been told not to say a word to you in the run up to the party. the knew what was happening so they are all just as bad!!

I was going to ask about distance, but you live within easy reach of the siblings.

I’d be hurt as well.

Well, then the mother should get a backbone. These people have form, according to OP. And the mother hasn't even texted her to say thank you for the birthday present.

They're awful.

OP, look after yourself. I hope you have good friends because your family members don't care. That's what they're showing you. They don't deserve your energy.

I would send a short, straight to the point message to the family WhatsApp group.
Hey family, seen the photos from Facebook, everyone out celebrating xxxx 50th birthday. Is there a reason I wasn't invited? Why did no one mention it to me when I contacted everyone regarding the present I organised?

Leave them squirming to come up with answers and go low contact with them. I don't have the best relationship with one of my brothers, but I'd still be invited to any family event and we're civil to each other. Also if my dm arrived at a restaurant, would ask where one of her kids were, she'd leave straight away if she found out one wasn't invited at all.

It sounds like they haven’t been kind to you for a long time and everyone has gotten away with it because you just want to keep the peace and not make a fuss for the sake of the family unit.

Why martyr yourself to continue to protect these people who aren’t very nice to you? I don’t think you need to do something dramatic. I can’t imagine you’d blow up the whole family. They are already not including you. It’s not like they’d stop seeing each other. But you don’t have to take it and pretend like everything is just fine.

I would just freeze them all out. Stop organising presents. Stop buying presents, for that matter. Stop inviting them to things. Stop dancing around to everyone’s tune. Just cool the relationships and get on with your life and relationships with people who value you.

@50FreezeOut1 they obviously have another whatsapp group which you are not in. to be honest if this is the second time, i would forget the whole lot of them. even the mother. she is as bad!!

I can't help but wonder if it's the political thing then, although really they should be adult enough to be able to put this kind of thing aside when necessary, especially as it doesn't sound like the relationship is otherwise acrimonious or anything.

But certainly politics can be a very dividing topic. 100% there are people on here who would distance a sibling for having different views on say the trans debate.

What a set of lousy bastards OP. I'm sorry you have been treated this way. I get it, it has happened to me and it bloody hurts. And, yes I am that person in our family who will call people out on their shitty behaviour - only to be labelled as "awkward" or 'gobby" Do you know what though, I wouldn't give a shit . Your feelings are valid as much as any one else's.
If you are concerned about looking like the "bad one', I'd write a REALLY polite message on the WhatsApp group . Not confrontational. Somethinh like 'oh i must have missed the message about the meal'
Let the fuckers squirm.

Wow. After reading your update, they sound just horrible. They don’t like you for some reason and have a WhatsApp group without you for arranging these things, probably more than you are aware of. I would go low contact. What an unpleasant bunch.

Is it just you and your DM meeting up?

I would have to ask her straight out. 'You all seem to have a problem with me as I keep being excluded from big family gatherings. Can you tell me why please?'

Don't take any evasive answers or pathetic excuses. This didn't just happen, they deliberately excluded you both from the event and the planning of it. Expect it not to be a particularly nice experience.

Take it from there. I would be planning my life around seeing far less of them in future.

It sounds a horrible situation to be in, I'm sorry OP.

have only read OPs posts.

It is supremely rude not to thank you for the gift. Ask her if she got it because you are worried about that since she didn't mention it.

Then leave the group and wait for them to reach out to you. You really don't need them in your life, do you?

ETA: I'm in the "blow up the family" they have left you out of 2 family occasions, in my book, they don't get a 3rd chance.

Honestly if you say very factually and with no emotion “looks like a great party. Thank you for including me not, i need to process how i feel” nobody nobody can blame.

do not mention the past. They all know what happened 3 yrs ago. Stay in the present and be factual.

yes. You may have to mourn the loss of your family including your mum. She colluded. I would never forgive mine but she wouldnt do it. I am sorry your mum is a divider to conquer type person.
My grandmother (mum’s mum) is like that. She is vile and poisonous and horrible to my mum. So I can see how it feels. But my mum made her peace. She supports her financially and visit her for my mum’s own dignity but she s done expecting anything from her and waiting for anything. And us 3 and my dad are behind my mum every step of the way.

How hurtful. It’s presumably not the fault of your DM or other siblings, but I see no problem in telling them how upset you are.

I would definitely contact your sister, tell her how hurt you are and ask her why she wanted to exclude you.

But it does seem to me that there must be some back-story we don’t know about. It seems unlikely that this happened totally out of the blue after a lifetime of good relationship with her.

Yep.

OP has told them how she felt first time it happened and asked for an explanation and didn’t get a straight answer.

The likely escalation if she stays in the mix is that when a parent dies she won’t be told until the siblings have had a chance to visit the family home and take what they want and won’t get input into organising the funeral (or this is what happened to me) and she’ll be dealing with the headfuck in a time of grief. Far better for mental health to have taken the agency and walked away than have that kind of shit happen

I can imagine this is really hurtful OP especially if all the rest of the family are there including your parents. I'd be taking a deep, calm breath and calling my sister. I'd tell her that I want her to know how hurt I am that I wasn't invited and see what her response is. No need for drama, you can ask a calm question and if things blow up it will be her guilt that does it.

I would go on the family group chat and ask if anyone would be good enough to explain why you are deliberately excluded from attending family events yet expected to chip in for the big presents.

Then, go LC with the lot of them. Or NC with them all except your Mum if she's piggy in the middle rather than the instigator.

(Unless you have form for getting drunk, having shocking table manners, being a judgemental vegan or one of those 'oh just a small portion for me' fat shaming types. Doesn't sound like you are though from your last post 🙂).