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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband got v close to school mum

291 replies

LDFem · 19/07/2025 19:51

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

OP posts:
SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 20/07/2025 16:53

The sheer audacity of this man, doing fuck all of his share of the chores, dossing around on your money while you fund his lifestyle of doing nothing and indulging himself in meetups with a girlfriend.
Does he think the girlfriend will pay for him to doss around like a parasite once you divorce him?

DorothyStorm · 20/07/2025 19:11

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/07/2025 13:43

Just read your update... You pay all the bills. He's Working part time two days a week... and does nothing in the house/ with kids beyond school pick ups where he hangs out with his new friend? And now he's chucked you out of the bedroom on to the sofa whilst he ignores you for objecting to this over the top "friendship" ....
This is too much LDFem

Edited

This. You are being ridiculous putting up with this

Hols2024 · 20/07/2025 19:12

This made me really sad to read! He treats other women better than you and you pay and do everything around the house. I think you have been so busy you haven’t seen how badly you’re being treated! Counselling or divorce!

MsDDxx · 20/07/2025 20:01

brunettenorthern91 · 19/07/2025 23:28

I worked at the same office as my husband for a short time and walking onto his office floor one day to go for lunch to hear the tone of his deep voice and a loud female laughing her head clean OFF at whatever he’d just said . As I appeared round the corner out of the entranceway, I didn’t even make it close enough to his desks (huge huge office floor)to have seen who it was and he’d shot across the office to meet me before I got there. It as obvious even he’d realised she was flirting with him by his reaction to seeing me and I immediately said - wtf was that. Absolutely not. Everyone knew I worked in the legal team at the company so she knew he was married. He said “she’s with someone and has been for years, she has kids” etc. I told him nope, do NOT lie to me and say even the way she was laughing at you there wasn’t a desperate attempt for attention - I don’t care if she’s with someone - we both know that doesn’t matter to some people. Does she try to sit next to you to save you a desk next to her? He said yes. I said 100% done. Do not sit next to her at work. (It’s a huge office/team and they all hot desk) Do not go for coffees or lunch or pop downstairs with just her for the “freebies” we get at work, do not go for lunchtime walks with her. You’re not talking about or listening to her problems or how you’re doing. There’s are 20 men of various ages or secure married women you could do all of the above with and she can speak to the many women her age in your team - I am not having an insecure woman mooning over my husband (he’s handsome, intelligent and has a lovely positive personality - it’s why I married him!) and him subtly entertaining it, then coming shocked to me WHEN (not if) she throws herself at him on a staff night or the Christmas party. Nope. I am similarly someone who because I’m quite bubbly and positive I ALWAYS get someone mooning at me because I’m nice (no one on ones purposefully by me!) and they always pounce at the Christmas do and I have to leave so I know the signs myself….!

I was shortly leaving the company and working hundreds of miles away and had to make my feelings clear! I think it helped that I’d worked there for 4.5 years, was well liked and everyone knew when he started he was my husband e.g. they’d see him a mile off if he over stepped and tell me about it as I had good friends working there across a lot of teams, including the senior team! You’re in a similar situation if other mums will also tell you.

Regardless of my leaving or knowing people, he immediately agreed with what I said. Agreed she did probably have a little crush on him and after that he avoided her entirely.

People can have friends of the opposite sex, but we all know when there’s a hint of something more. I’m afraid if he seems to be entertaining it - ultimatum is the only way. He has no reason to even speak to this woman due to work or your children. Zero tolerance.

Edited

You shouldn’t HAVE to do this though. If you do, the relationship is already shit.

There will be another.

MsDDxx · 20/07/2025 20:04

LDFem · 20/07/2025 06:56

I don’t think the meet ups are happening anymore but when they did they would be with her preschool toddler, not with the children we have that go to school together. He invited her to our house for a ‘play date’ with just the toddler when we don’t have any other children. That seemed particularly weird.

A play date involves at least one other child OP.

MsDDxx · 20/07/2025 20:08

dottiedodah · 20/07/2025 08:22

I think you need to be prepared that this is ab Affair ,Sneaking off to the woods,cosy chats.Its all a bit convenient .I would start to make plans to leave .You are being cuckolded

I don’t think you know what cuckolded means 🤣🤣

2025ismybestyear · 20/07/2025 20:09

MyCyanReader · 20/07/2025 09:43

If this friend was male would you have a problem?

E.g. a male who came round for a play date with the younger child.

Lots of women have super close friendships.

And if you would be ok if this person was male and not females it comes down to whether you trust your husband. Do you?

I had a close friendship with a male. I helped him with MH problems. It was a bit intense at times as he was quite needy but there was no way in a million years I'd want a relationship with him! We stopped being friends partly because his wife decided something was going on, and partly because he had a character trait that I massively disliked and found hard to overlook.

If you don't trust your husband then you dont have much of a relationship.

I can't believe anyone is this thick Maybe just cruel.

rosesandkisses · 20/07/2025 21:12

I personally would not accept an invitation to hang out alone with someones husband.

MyCyanReader · 20/07/2025 21:14

2025ismybestyear · 20/07/2025 20:09

I can't believe anyone is this thick Maybe just cruel.

Show quote history

Why?

Calliopespa · 20/07/2025 21:18

Fuzziduck · 19/07/2025 21:21

My friend was the female in this. They were having an affair, got caught and going to school for all involved was awful.

TBH I thought it sounded either like an affair or one about to happen.

For other people who have seen them together to comment is a better barometer than anything we can guess at on here.

Calliopespa · 20/07/2025 21:21

2025ismybestyear · 20/07/2025 20:09

I can't believe anyone is this thick Maybe just cruel.

Show quote history

You've not been around on MN long then! There is always a sprinkling who want to pretend its everyone else who has an issue in keeping a respectful distance from other women's partners.

Calliopespa · 20/07/2025 21:21

rosesandkisses · 20/07/2025 21:12

I personally would not accept an invitation to hang out alone with someones husband.

Neither would I. I'd feel like a socially inept loser...

fthisfthatfeverything · 20/07/2025 21:40

rosesandkisses · 20/07/2025 21:12

I personally would not accept an invitation to hang out alone with someones husband.

Neither would I & I wouldn’t allow it from my husband!

Maray1967 · 20/07/2025 21:44

LDFem · 20/07/2025 06:56

I don’t think the meet ups are happening anymore but when they did they would be with her preschool toddler, not with the children we have that go to school together. He invited her to our house for a ‘play date’ with just the toddler when we don’t have any other children. That seemed particularly weird.

It is most definitely not a ‘play date’ if there is only one child involved …

I used to speak a lot to a dad of one of my DS’s friends because he usually did the morning drop offs but there were usually other parents around as well and no one would have thought it suspicious. We were basically just making polite conversation. There is something very wrong here, I think.

Personally I would speak to her and ask why her behaviour with my DH has led to comments from other parents. Your friendship will be over, but it’s surely over now anyway?

That doesn’t solve the problem with your DH’s attitude though.

Lotsofsnacks · 20/07/2025 22:11

good god OP, sod that, after your updates I don’t know you just don’t tell her, she’s welcome to this prince of men!! Honestly what’s the attraction?!!! Hes taking you for a mug. Sorry but if it was the other way round and you worked pt, you’d be doing everything round the house! Look at him, part time, and doesn’t help you, on top of disrespecting you, hanging out around brazenly with this school mum (and the others are all noticing!).

thelakeisle · 20/07/2025 22:15

OP, he treats you like a servant, like absolute garbage and has been having sex with another woman. Surely anything would be better than this.

Tell her husband, he has a right to know his wife might be diseased and is making him an object of scorn and ridicule, as your husband has done to you.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 20/07/2025 22:24

He’s not resssuring you because he doesn’t want to - he’s more interested in continuing to see her.

I’d bet he’s too cowardly to tell you the truth so is passively waiting for you to do something.

One thing that people who have affairs do is to try to find excuses for their behaviour so they feel less shit about themselves. The classic thing is to deflect. So, if you’re supposedly jealous, not talking to him and stopping him having friends (you’re aren’t, of course, but this is what he’ll be reassuring himself) then it makes it that little bit easier for him to run to her and complain and have her naturally sympathetic ear.

You may think you're going mad, but the fact that a neutral party is observing them and is concerned enough to tell you so proves that you absolutely aren’t imagining things.

Unicorn34 · 20/07/2025 22:27

Someone i know (female) had a similar situation with her husband and another woman who did a hobby club thing - they would end up pairing up and were "just friends". My friend knew which road this lady and her family lived in, told her husband she was going to speak to this lady's husband to see what he thought.... all hell let loose. She knocked on doors until she found the right house and spoke directly to the husband who had no idea about this.
My friend has now decided to leave as the trust is over. She gave him enough chances to stop the friendship as it was hurting her. I don't know what has happened to the other woman's marriage.

2025ismybestyear · 20/07/2025 22:46

MyCyanReader · 20/07/2025 21:14

Why?

Show quote history

Clearly if Mr OP was hanging out with a school dad @LDFem wouldn't have the same issue.

2025ismybestyear · 20/07/2025 22:47

Calliopespa · 20/07/2025 21:21

You've not been around on MN long then! There is always a sprinkling who want to pretend its everyone else who has an issue in keeping a respectful distance from other women's partners.

Show quote history

I've been on here a very long time. It's all relative and on a cycle.

Calliopespa · 20/07/2025 22:51

2025ismybestyear · 20/07/2025 22:47

I've been on here a very long time. It's all relative and on a cycle.

Show quote history

Maybe you've been here longer than me!

Almost every thread I've seen about dhs getting overly close to other women has someone pipe up thinking they are being startlingly cool by saying whyever should he not.

I find it so boring and tone deaf - especially when some poor woman is upset about something plainly inappropriate. None of us are stupid: we can tell what's platonic from what's not.

Original poster
LDFem · 21/07/2025 06:53

Maray1967 · 20/07/2025 21:44

It is most definitely not a ‘play date’ if there is only one child involved …

I used to speak a lot to a dad of one of my DS’s friends because he usually did the morning drop offs but there were usually other parents around as well and no one would have thought it suspicious. We were basically just making polite conversation. There is something very wrong here, I think.

Personally I would speak to her and ask why her behaviour with my DH has led to comments from other parents. Your friendship will be over, but it’s surely over now anyway?

That doesn’t solve the problem with your DH’s attitude though.

Show quote history

Thank you, the friendship was well and truly over - over a year ago. I am contemplating giving her a heads up these comments have been made though. That’s just by two people kind and brave enough to tell me too. But yes it doesn’t solve the bigger issue of stonewalling and gaslighting that is unbearable…

OP posts:
Lafufufu · 21/07/2025 07:10

Jesus make food for yourself and the kids and fuck him
Ditto with the washing.

The more you post the more i hate him.

Get a specialist divorce lawyer as this layabout arsehole will likely take you to the cleaners in a divorce. You'll likely have to give him more than 50% assets.

Start up the conversation re: he needs to get back into FT work and keep it going.

get the kids in aftershock clubs so he cant pretend to be the primary parent
Make sure you are primary contact for school gp dentist etc

Unpopular opinion:
I'd also reduce pension to minimum contributions while telling him id increased them because his financial situation is so dire so I'd be start assets..

I am a very fair person and my view would be my husband had broken our marriage contract (in more assets than one) so all bets are off. Also you giving him 70% of communal assets is not fair or right so id be working hard to redress that by any means possible.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/07/2025 07:13

LDFem · 21/07/2025 06:53

Thank you, the friendship was well and truly over - over a year ago. I am contemplating giving her a heads up these comments have been made though. That’s just by two people kind and brave enough to tell me too. But yes it doesn’t solve the bigger issue of stonewalling and gaslighting that is unbearable…

Show quote history

She doesn't sound like the sort of person that would back off even if you told her that other people had commented on her close friendship with your DH.

Your DH's inappropriately close friendship with this woman is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of his poor treatment of you. You are the breadwinner and yet you do all the household chores and cooking while he does a couple of hours work a week and spends the rest of his time pursuing this woman.

He is disloyal, lazy and cruel. Please speak to a solicitor and make plans to leave.

Selfsetfree · 21/07/2025 07:22

Op if your best friend told you all that you have said here was happening in her life what would you say to her? She works hard, dh has pretty much given up work, doesn’t do much at home she still does it and spends a lot of time hanging out with another woman. Maybe consider therapy to work out what to do. It helped me when my dh had an emotional affair. Also gaslighting behaviours and I felt like I was going crazy. Good luck.