Husband got v close to school mum

[LDFem]

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

Im sorry OP. What a horrible man who is leeching off you.

A solicitor will advise (and you must see one now) but be careful. In a divorce he could get more access to the kids as he’s hardly working. Then you’d be paying him child support as well. Though he might be told he has to work more and you share 50/50. Which is still horrible.

Either way it’s fcking awful and it’s all this losers fault. I’m sorry xx

He’s deleted them within the past week, they’ll be there. I’d bet on it.

And everything else in the house it seems!

If you can OP, cut back to the very basics at home. Do yours and the kids washing, don't buy nice food/treats or hide them if you do, and make sure he hasn't got access to your salary while he's sponging off you. If you're paying into a joint account, only put enough it to cover the mortgage/rent and essentials. Cancel his phone contract if you're paying for it, cut the wifi/tv package off and don't make life comfortable for him in any way shape or form.

My kids are grown up now and I saw this a LOT of times among friends and acquaintances at exactly that time of life - young kids, school runs etc.

In my experience there was never any smoke without fire. If he's so cold towards you about the whole thing and not panicking about you suspecting something, then sadly I think you should get an exit plan together quickly that puts you and the kids first. He has clearly already emotionally checked out and is just waiting for something to happen that takes the decision out of his hands and makes it easy for him. It'll either be her putting pressure on him to leave, or her partner finding out (if she has one) and pulling the plug on it all. Either way, you need to make sure you know where you stand in terms of your future security.

I've trained as a couples counsellor and counselling doesn't work if there's a third person in the relationship, so sad to say it's probably too late for that.

My advice would be to take control of the situation yourself. As NoSoupForU says, get your ducks in a row. Don't wait for it to happen outside your control, for your and your children's sakes.

This other woman won't want him, y'know. Charisma and chivalry don't pay the rent... Practically, he is not a catch and it sounds like she couldn't support them. They are running on the fumes of fantasy.

Fourteen years is a long time, OP. I would spell it out to him. He needs to get honest and talking to see how broken the relationship is and whether it can be fixed. Otherwise, I would assume the worst and call time on the sunken costs of the relationship

Op knows the woman all 3 were friends

Woah, you have SO many problems with this man. Remind me why you're still with him???

The "playdate" was for him and her... not the toddler🤦🏽‍♀️

I wouldn’t make any more attempts to discuss it with him, he clearly doesn’t respect you. Don’t tell him anything, just start preparing for divorce. Getting your son in wrap around childcare is a very good idea. Don’t give him the chance to claim that his sacrificed his earning potential to be a full time parent in order to support your career.

Think OP knows this.

I think you've got to trust your gut. It maybe one of them is entirely innocent but less likely that they both are. Even if it's just flirty ego boosting it's still isn't good as it's only a short step to cross that line.

Difficult to suggest a way forward but good luck.

I had something similar weekly lifts to an evening class then pub, dh was not always honest about the lift arrangements saying that there was another one, when in fact was just the two of them . Nothing was going on although she was out a lot more while husband stayed at home, however I felt uncomfortable and felt dh did not consider my feelings on this, she was younger he admitted to me he found her attractive, the first time I met her she was dressed up in a corset!
for fancy dress party.

I had a word with another mum friend who was good friends with her making it clear I was uncomfortable about the situation and wanted to lifts to stop. Is this something you could do? speaking to her directly could make things worse but via third party to get the message across might help.

As another women she should know better.

If he was arguing that it was your turn to do the cooking and cleaning , then wasn’t it his turn to get a full time job? Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his washing. Stop doing any shopping. Stop doing any housework . Won’t take him long to capitulate. Do nothing until he wants to talk about how the chores are divided. Ask him to draw up a plan of how he is going to find a career . Talk to those kind school friends and see if they will help you out doing school pick up. Sleep in your own bed. Don’t talk to him. You need a good sleep. He’s being a shit.

Hadn’t appreciated this is something he could argue. What a nightmare!

Yep, been there …. And yes they were having an affair. It’s unlikely your gut (and the other school Mum) is lying to you. You will be so much happier in the future when you don’t have to deal with this any more but for now I really feel for you as you need to find a strength that you shouldn’t have to. Go forward with your head held high, you will be fine.

This. He knows what he is doing is upsetting you, but he doesn’t care enough to stop it. His head is turned and she is now the priority. Sorry.

Major red flags OP.

I am struggling with what is achieved by speaking to her or another mum she is friends with given what I really want to know is if the messages have stopped, and if so, since when. It all feels futile at this point when I can’t see how we can repair this now anyway, it will only potentially fuel the fire but the fact she is either none the wiser to all of this / it did subside last year, or she is an active participant is a challenging conundrum to navigate. I go round and round in circles but it doesn’t change the way he has (not) dealt with the issue and has now said he has deleted all the messages as a throwaway remark as if that is normal when he says he still has messages from 2023. It’s all so bizarre!

I am sorry this happened to you but you might be well rid of him.

All good wishes to you.

Luckily it being the school holidays now I have less to deal with on the school front but I am learning to drive so I don’t have to rely on him for the one thing he provided which was drop offs and pick ups.

So, in a nutshell:

He doesn’t really work
Is not providing apart from pick ups and drop offs
Doesn’t cook
Doesn’t do any housework
Gaslighting the hell out of you
Probably having an emotional affair with another mum (deleted messages speak for themselves)
Has zero respect for you
Is s bit of a prick

Wow, he’s really special, OP.

We don’t have a joint account and I pay all but 2 car related bills through my account. For the bills in his account I send him the money to cover them. I’m not sure if that’s a blessing or a curse, he earns minimum wage for the hours he works and keeps the funds to spend on beer typically. I have racked up thousands in debt on both of our behalf but all in my name so am paying that off. The more I write the more I realise I have been so busy and thought we loved each other that I didn’t see all of this laid out. What an idiot.

You're not the idiot OP, he is for throwing away a marriage and a family for sniffing round other women's skirts. None of this is on you

The messages probably never stopped, they move to a private platform.

He has to keep up the lie because she is with someone too, but honestly, id give him the heads up about what you was told too..

The way I see it, he refused to cut contact previously and is being sneaky now, he already chose her.

Sorry you are going through this, but it also sounds like you won't be losing much if you left him.