Husband got v close to school mum

[LDFem]

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

Why isn't he doing all the cooking and cleaning if you are working full time and he only does a few hours a week? He's got it made. A lifestyle facilitated and paid for by your hard work with plenty of time to pursue other women while you are working. He's a total arsehole. I hate his guts and I've never met him. You need to find your anger. Stop doing anything for him. Don't cook his meals or wash his clothes. Make plans to split up but try and find a shit hot lawyer first.

He doesn’t sound so great from this OP. You don’t have to keep him.

He hated his job so he quit, which was before all of this stuff happened and has since got a part time job working a few hours between school drop off and pick up times 2 days a week. I have always fortunately had a well paid job and I thought I was being supportive.

This makes it all much worse, he’s a leech as well as a cheat. Pathetic man child, honestly get rid of him.

He cooked all the time when we met but 5 years ago we moved house and somehow it turned into my job to do every night. He said he’d been doing it and now it was my turn and if I didn’t cook, no one would eat. He used to help around the house a bit but that finished about 4 years ago. I am probably really naive seeing some of the responses here but I hadn’t quite appreciated that other women wouldn’t be doing it all too. I’ve just been sleepwalking through life, clearly!

You work full time, he doesn’t and you
do all the cooking? Sod that.

Yeah he is obviously completely in the wrong but even without the clear affair, he is a shit husband.

Doesn't provide financially, emotionally or practically.

Only risk on leaving him would be child residency as he could argue for it. Could you make him get a job?

So, he is gaslighting you, has been far too close to another woman (which has been noticed!), invited her over for a play date when your kids weren’t there and was having walks in the woods.

On top of that he works 2-3 hours a day and does fuck all round the house- including child related care and bedtimes?

Plus now he isn’t talking to you (which is abusive) because you called him out on his shit behaviour.

If I have this right - What the fuck are you doing with this loser? What is he bringing to your life?

I am hoping you can see from these replies what a twat he is! I would not put up with this I’m afraid - if he hasn’t had a ‘physical’ affair it’s certainly been an emotional one. So look to work on you, because you deserve better than this - you deserve to be with someone who is respectful and listens/acts on your concerns.

If you are going to stay with this self centred, nasty man, you need new boundaries in place quickly

He needs a fucking job - as a priority - not many of us like working but thats tough.

While he is looking:

I would only cook for you and the kids going forward
I would expect him to be doing 80% of the housework during the week, and I would expect him not to talk to the woman away from the school gate.

These are non negotiable, if he wants you to save his marriage.

You were being supportive and a decent person would have appreciated that and in return contributed much more to your relationship and household and pulled his weight. But he's not decent.

OP assuming your kids can go to before and after school club and you can pick them up on time from that, you still should be able to get 50 per cent child residence even if he plays his face. If not look for local childminders.

I don't know if this is the right approach for you or not... but this would be my instinct...
go round and talk to her face to face (even if you have to take the morning off work) and see what her story is about the whole thing. Does it measure up?

It will at least, put the cat amongst the pigeons and shake the pair of them up.

Only you can guage how useful that will be to you at this stage.

It’s not recommended on MN for some reason but I would also talk to her straight away.

"He invited her to our house for a ‘play date’ with just the toddler when we don’t have any other children."

I can only imagine the sort of "play dates" he'd like to have with her (if it hasn't happened already). Get rid OP. He sounds more hassle than he's worth.

Just read your update... You pay all the bills. He's Working part time two days a week... and does nothing in the house/ with kids beyond school pick ups where he hangs out with his new friend? And now he's chucked you out of the bedroom on to the sofa whilst he ignores you for objecting to this over the top "friendship" ....
This is too much LDFem

He’s having you for a mug. I’m sorry.

What does he do at home all day since he’s not doing chores or meals?

This is really sad. He’s actually using you.

Leave him, you actually do not need him and can do so much better.

It makes sense now that he portrays himself as some sort of superman to other women to give him some sense of self worth because the truth is he’s actually a pathetic loser, not providing for his family, sponging of his wife and not even helping with cooking / chores / bedtimes.

Good luck to him finding another woman who would allow this bullshit behaviour!!

That’s ridiculous. You’re having the inappropriateness of the relationship pointed out to you by third parties and your husband is reacting abnormally to your concerns. The crazy wife is the one who lets the situation continue because she bizarrely thinks it looks crazy to do otherwise.

So what does this total prince do? Apart from try to fuck other school mums?

Jesus, he’s revolting. I’m so angry on your behalf @LDFem.

This man is appalling. I would make it known at school you do not accept this “friendship”. I would tell everyone it has brought embarrassment to you and your children in their place of learning. I would be very present at school from now on.

Do you have joint finances OP, on this wankers very small part time job? I would be removing all access to money from him and I would stop any kind of service at home that you do for him. You and the kids only..

Apart from his new friend (which would be a deal breaker for me anyway) he’s taking you for a mug - work full time and do extra chores whilst he hardly does anything apart from having a very, very comfortable life plus time for his ‘friend’.
GET A GRIP AND DO NOT ALLOW ALL THIS TO CONTINUE!
Ultimatums needed fast.

Grow a backbone OP. Whether he is having an affair or not his treatment of you is not acceptable.

I do wonder what would have happened if I’d given my first husband an ultimatum/blown things out the water. At the time I was scared of making a fuss in case I “drove him to her” (which is insane with hindsight)

@LDFem

I think the fact that he only works part time, 2 days per week, but you still do everything around the house is just as concerning as his ridiculous teenage boy obsession with this other woman.

He sounds pointless to have around, quite honestly. He clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings. Stop letting him walk all over you. If all he contributes is doing the school runs, there are people you can pay for that.

Personally I would not be going to see the OW, what could be gained?
The damage has already been done by her for allowing his attention and your husband for pursuing her and also for everything else he has been getting away with and I do not see any way back from any of this - ultimatums or not.
He has shown you who he is and what he is like, and you do not deserve any of it.
How can you trust him ever again?

When my now teens were little, I had a few play dates with stay-at-home dads. There was obviously nothing in it whatsoever, on either side. Any communication was strictly in relation to the upcoming play date though; we wouldn’t have dreamt of contacting each other outside of that.