Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

[Allcrisisnocalm]

Fuck fuck fuck
my partners mum won’t last the night (totally unexpected)
i want to be with him - he’s 3 hours away
but I’m due to fly tomorrow morning to America with my three kids - first time they’ve been out to see my family there in 9 years - I have no family here other than my kids. Literally due to leave for the airport at 7am tomorrow

I don’t live with my partner so his mum my kids have only met once.

DP was due to join us a week later with his kids

I’ve checked the travel insurance policy with a fine tooth comb (am a lawyer) and defo won’t cover the mum of my partner as we’ve got separate insurance policies
my policy is just for me and my kids rather than a joint policy with partner

I don’t know what to do

I could maybe see if I can push the flights back 24 hours but it looks like it will be another £3k (same cost as original)

or send my 2 youngest with my 18 yr old and join in 24 hours? A huge responsibility for the eldest and im not sure im comfortable with it but could speak to eldest to see what she feels about it
youngest two are 11 and 15 so not babies
they’d be met by family

can’t work out the extra flight cost just for me but I think it will be around £1k , that’s not great but better than £3k but I don’t know if I can send my kids alone

fuck fuck fuck

And I think if at 18, plus the younger DC, my mum had said she wanted us to travel alone to see family in America while she stayed to see her boyfriend because his mum was dying, with no notice at all, it would impact my relationship.

America has some of the worst airports and the nastiest immigration in the world. Certainly in the global North. I wouldn’t send my teenager alone with dependent kids and with no notice. And I wouldn’t cancel a long-awaited holiday for my whole family.

It’s Hobson’s choice and fortunately the boyfriend is a lovely man who understands that.

You go on holiday. Your kids should always come first, and hard as it will be for your partner you go with your kids

He is the one who can cancel

Seriously? Well you’re very much in the minority.

if my partner of 8 years didn’t understand that my kids would always be my top priority even in an awful dilemma like this I would end the relationship.

You need to go with your kids. It's a Hobson's choice. But ultimately going with your kids is the right option.

Your partner will have others to support him. You can keep in very close contact via phone and text and be there emotionally best you can. He'll understand the predicament you're in.

Cancelling this trip has dire consequences for your kids, your family in US, financially (can't be ignored) and all the time you're going to spend hanging off the phone cancelling it all and telling people. Disappointed and confused kids and family. Whereas if you go, there's one person who may "lose" from it. It's very sad and very unfortunate, but it's the lesser of the two evils.

I don’t think she should be sending her children alone at all. I think she should be postponing the entire thing and supporting her partner of 8 years who’s going to be going through a life changing event. Of course there seems to be suggestion that they’re not that serious/close enough to warrant her being with him but then I’m wondering why she would be fretting about not being able to be there for him. In my experience her
choosing a holiday because that’s what it is, just holiday over supporting her partner is going to cause some resentment for sure. There aren’t many reasons in life why you should put your plans on hold but the death of a loved one, especially when you get the opportunity to be by their side in their last moments, which so few get the chance to do is certainly a reason to pause things. As for getting her money back, get partner to request a letter from the Dr she was under the care of to show airlines they may not refund but might offer alternative dates.

You're entitled to think that, I disagree.

Your children need to to make their holiday easier.

Come again? There is no obligation whatsoever on OP's children here.

The irony of you saying not going on a trip would have dire consequences when the chaps mum is quite literally dying …

Btw OP if I knew my partner was flying out so soon and I truly didn’t want my partner to be by me side and make their holiday then I wouldn’t even inform them of my parent dying. He clearly wanted you to know for a reason.

Ok. You guilt trip her then.

Harsh as it sounds : he's her partner, they're not married, the children aren't his, they don't live together. It does change the dynamics to some degree.

If they were a "family unit" and it was a case of "look kids, Grandma is dying and we need to be home for dad and gran " that is a bit different to :

"Kids, Ken's mum is dying. I'm afraid I need to cancel our trip last minute to see nan and grandad in the US"

Ops children come first ultimately. Ken and his mother (as hideous of a situation it is for the OP who's stuck in the middle ) cannot trump her children.

It's Hobson's choice (repeating myself) but it's the lesser of two evils

The op has no family in the UK they live in the states. There is not much the op can do she has to respect his wishes and give him and his family space. It's a lot of money to travel to America and her children want to see their family. They haven't seen them in 9 years and if she followed your advice they may not see them for another 9 years it's not cheap. Her children may resent her if she chooses his family over them seeing theirs.

But the OP staying won't change that, while not going will have have consequences for her family.

We’re reading very different threads. The OP has at no point said she’s thinking of ‘taking the holiday away’ how absurdly melodramatic. She’s thinking about an extra day or so here. She requires no patronising reminders of her responsibilities.

OP I think I’d still go on the planned flight, partly because it’s very difficult to be precise about timing of death in many situations and so an extra 24 hours may still not be enough. I’d go and be available by phone as much as possible.

Absolutely this, Fortunately the OP is not going to snatch their holiday from them in order to prioritise her boyfriend and his family.

When my mother died, I didn’t need my husband to sit next to me while I cried. I needed him to take over running our household with a young child so that I can do nothing but wallow.

your boyfriend has adult children. He doesn’t need you to jump in and handle logistics. There really isn’t anything you can do.

You're just being silly now.

It came out of the blue, she hasn't been terminal for 8 months. His emotions are going to be all over the place. Of course he'll blurt it out !!!!!

But it still doesn't mean that it's the right thing to do to cancel a long haul trip for her children to see their family with less than 24hours notice. Ultimately, it's the son (him) that absolutely needs to be there for his mum. That goes without saying. Sons partner and her children are not essential to the poor dying woman. And dealing with all the stress of cancelling everything the op is not going to be in a nice calm frame of mind to be optimal support. She can't win in this situation.

This has already been responded to later after the OP responded to me and stated that she had no intention of taking away her kids' holiday to prioritise her boyfriend's family, so already asked and answered.

The op has not said that some posters have. Some people get lost in threads and forget what the op originally said. I do agree with your last statement she should make herself available to talk on the phone. Be careful of the phone bill I had £300 bill years ago when my partner went to Texas for training. I hear EE is a good network to use in Jamaica but I am not sure about America.

Yep. Death happens. It is a sad fact of living that our parents will die. He is not family, he does have family support, and if he cares about her he will want her to go. I am glad she has said she is definitely sending her kids, and I do hope she goes with them and doesn't try to go out later.

Oh and no, it's not even remotely melodramatic. But you already know that :)

It's an awful situation but what's the alternative? If you cancelled everything, you'd have to leave some/all of your no doubt upset kids home alone, or take them to wherever your partner and their grieving family are at a very difficult time. That's not fair on anyone.

I'm not a worrier, but it's a bad time to be adding complications to entering the US right now. If one/all of your kids are denied entry for some reason, I'd be a nightmare.

You're doing the right thing by going, and your partner seems to understand that.

I understand how you feel, Allcrisnocalm, and feel for you but you are right to go an please do try to enjoy yourself, if only outwardly, for the sake of your children.

You can keep in touch with your partner and he will appreciate that. You'll see him as soon as you get home. He knows you would like to be with him.

When my husband died suddenly, six years ago, my son's partner came over from America very briefly but had to go back before the funeral because her child was starting school. She would have liked to be with us but we all knew - children must always come first.

I am sorry this has happened. x

It doesn’t sound like it will be long now unfortunately

haven’t been able to sleep and also haven’t finished packing despite needing to leave at 7am as I just am watching my phone for updates and supporting my partner on text as best I can. Which is hard as I’m a practical hand stroker not a wordy person in situations like this

it’s bringing back memories of sitting with my best friend on a ventilator waiting for brain stem testing and also being in hosp with my mum when she died - now I was totally alone when my mum died and my ex buggered off to work the next day. I am glad DP has his big family there, he isn’t alone. He has a brother there he is extremely close to.

I’ve reflected a lot in the last couple of hours and on these messages. I desperately want to support my partner but he is MY partner not the kids’ family member. My kids have always come first - it is why we did not blend the families or live together as I didn’t think it was in the kids’ best interests. I do fear this might irrevocably change our relationship even if he wants me to go on a logical level he may be hurt deep down but I can’t devastate the kids by cancelling when it’s so remote to them.

The trip is a perhaps not once in a lifetime but certainly once in a decade - I haven’t been able to afford to see my family for 9 years. I have a good job but I’m a single parent household and life is extremely expensive post divorce with a huge mortgage as i bought my ex out of the family home.

I can’t afford to buy another set of flight tickets for four people, I’m still paying these off on a 0% credit card as it is and I have uni fees to pay for coming up.

My partner possibly could pay for the new tickets if he desperately wanted me there - it would still be a lot of money but not as much for him as for me . He’s in a better financial position than me - but he presumably hasn’t suggested it as he wants us to go.

its extended family in the states - aunts uncles and cousins but I’m an only child with both my parents passed so this is a very meaningful trip to me as they are my only blood relatives except the kids. As mentioned people are flying from all over the states to be there for this family reunion, me from UK and others from even further abroad. It’s been planned for over a year.

lots of reasons to go
but it doesn’t make me feel any better about not being with him
i feel horribly heartless

thank you for all the kind messages

He has his children and his brother there

I think go, especially if he has said to go too

I personally wouldnt keep messaging him either
Leave him to be with his family or reply when he msgs you first

Thanks for the update. I hope this means you have decided to go. I am glad he has plenty of family support.