Page 7 | Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

Allcrisisnocalm · 2025-07-18T21:24:12+00:00

Fuck fuck fuck my partners mum won’t last the night (totally unexpected) i want to be with him - he’s 3 hours away but I’m due to fly tomorrow morning to America with my three kids - first time they’ve been out to see my family there in 9 years - I have no family here other than my kids. Literally due to leave for the airport at 7am tomorrow I don’t live with my partner so his mum my kids have only met once. DP was due to join us a week later with his kids I’ve checked the travel insurance policy with a fine tooth comb (am a lawyer) and defo won’t cover the mum of my partner as we’ve got separate insurance policies my policy is just for me and my kids rather than a joint policy with partner I don’t know what to do I could maybe see if I can push the flights back 24 hours but it looks like it will be another £3k (same cost as original) or send my 2 youngest with my 18 yr old and join in 24 hours? A huge responsibility for the eldest and im not sure im comfortable with it but could speak to eldest to see what she feels about it youngest two are 11 and 15 so not babies they’d be met by family can’t work out the extra flight cost just for me but I think it will be around £1k , that’s not great but better than £3k but I don’t know if I can send my kids alone fuck fuck fuck

TheLemonLemur · 19/07/2025 00:14

It sounds like he has gave you his blessing he has family with him and will know any other time you would have been with him. Realistically theres not alot you would have achieved by staying home - when my parent passed the first few days were taken up with practical arrangements and i just wanted space. Funerals in the UK take so long now it likely wont be until after your holiday and so you will be able to be there to support him through that

Spiderhelp · 19/07/2025 00:27

Fly out with the kids. Can you get a return US-UK-US for just you? Does it mess with visas? That way you get your kids over there, get back to support your partner, then see family and bring your kids home.

BluntPlumHam · 19/07/2025 00:29

OneBrightMorning · 18/07/2025 23:27

There are some really insensitive posts on this thread. My father died suddenly and unexpectedly. At the time, my DH was working hundreds of miles away. All I wanted was for him to be with me. Of course, he immediately dropped everything and was by my side as soon as he could get there. I appreciate that the OP's situation is more complicated due to the planned holiday. But supporting a bereaved loved one is surely something that anyone in a relationship should actively want to do, even in difficult situations such as this one.

Yes, ‘it’s unfortunate timing’ like it’s been a mix up in schedules rather than someone’s mother dying. It’s such a massive loss and it’s good of him to tell you to go but then anyone decent would say that but not necessarily feel that way. Op should consider whether this is going to have long term adverse impact on her relationship, unless they genuinely have a relaxed bf/gf relationship whereby not introduced or involved with each others families etc

Orderofthephoenixparody · 19/07/2025 00:30

ItDoesntHaveToBeASnowman · 18/07/2025 23:36

I’m quite surprised by the responses to this thread, especially the ones along the lines of “you’re not married so he’s not family”.

They’ve been together 8 years. Would you feel differently if they were married? Would you think she should stay then?

They don't live together. He has family support.
What about hier boyfriends children's feelings and privacy with their grandmother.
What about her own children and how they feel.
The op needs to put her children first or else the relationship will end with the boyfriend. They were their first they will not have her put her man first.
Op is lucky she has found a good one he is not selfish. He sounds level headed and caring.

If her boyfriend said he wanted her their beside him I reckon she would have dumped her children on her 18 year old son. She would have taken the next flight on her own. That doesn't sit well with me.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/07/2025 00:32

Allcrisisnocalm · 18/07/2025 23:04

I’ve managed to speak to him briefly
i said in any other circumstances I’d be halfway there by now which he knows
he immediately said not to change anything
I said I was looking at changing my flight and my eldest taking the other two and he was adamant not to even consider this

so I will go but I really so desperately wish the timing was different

So glad you spoke with him

hopefully he’s put your mind at rest now as much as he can

he sounds lovely and glad he didn’t say come to me now

you will be there at end of phone

try and enjoy your holidays as much as you can @Allcrisisnocalm you have obv saved for this and been planned for a long time

Orderofthephoenixparody · 19/07/2025 00:35

BluntPlumHam · 19/07/2025 00:29

Yes, ‘it’s unfortunate timing’ like it’s been a mix up in schedules rather than someone’s mother dying. It’s such a massive loss and it’s good of him to tell you to go but then anyone decent would say that but not necessarily feel that way. Op should consider whether this is going to have long term adverse impact on her relationship, unless they genuinely have a relaxed bf/gf relationship whereby not introduced or involved with each others families etc

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They are not a blended family she did say that.

Orderofthephoenixparody · 19/07/2025 00:37

Spiderhelp · 19/07/2025 00:27

Fly out with the kids. Can you get a return US-UK-US for just you? Does it mess with visas? That way you get your kids over there, get back to support your partner, then see family and bring your kids home.

Edited

That's a crazy idea the jet lag alone will wipe her out.

Petrovaposy · 19/07/2025 00:40

Allcrisisnocalm · 18/07/2025 23:04

I’ve managed to speak to him briefly
i said in any other circumstances I’d be halfway there by now which he knows
he immediately said not to change anything
I said I was looking at changing my flight and my eldest taking the other two and he was adamant not to even consider this

so I will go but I really so desperately wish the timing was different

I’m glad he’s made this decision a bit easier for you.
For what it’s worth, if your children are white british and never been in any trouble, and passport / esta / visa situation is all uncomplicated, I would have no concerns sending them alone to the states alone to be met by relatives the other side.
However, it looks like they won’t need to, which is good news.
It’s a horribly difficult time, you’re in my thoughts.

BluntPlumHam · 19/07/2025 00:41

Orderofthephoenixparody · 19/07/2025 00:30

They don't live together. He has family support.
What about hier boyfriends children's feelings and privacy with their grandmother.
What about her own children and how they feel.
The op needs to put her children first or else the relationship will end with the boyfriend. They were their first they will not have her put her man first.
Op is lucky she has found a good one he is not selfish. He sounds level headed and caring.

If her boyfriend said he wanted her their beside him I reckon she would have dumped her children on her 18 year old son. She would have taken the next flight on her own. That doesn't sit well with me.

Edited

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It’s just a holiday (which can rescheduled/taken at another time) vs her partners mother dying …. Why on earth are people acting like she’s abandoning her children if she postponed or re-arranged her plans. I cannot believe how dismissive and insensitive so many posters are over her partner going through such a traumatic event.

user1473878824 · 19/07/2025 00:42

nomas · 18/07/2025 22:31

You should prioritise your kids and take them on holiday.

She is dying, staying in the UK won’t keep her. She is surrounded by her family.

It’s about him though, and her being there for him. Not stopping her dying. If your mother died I would hope your partner considered your feelings too!

Teanbiscuits33 · 19/07/2025 00:44

BluntPlumHam · 19/07/2025 00:41

It’s just a holiday (which can rescheduled/taken at another time) vs her partners mother dying …. Why on earth are people acting like she’s abandoning her children if she postponed or re-arranged her plans. I cannot believe how dismissive and insensitive so many posters are over her partner going through such a traumatic event.

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She can’t just rearrange her plans less than 7 hours before she is due to fly out though. She’s already said the insurance won’t cover it. Not everyone has thousands of pounds to just throw away.

user1473878824 · 19/07/2025 00:45

What a lot of very strange people on this thread. OP is panicking because she wants to be there for her long term partner at a very sad and momentous time of his life. She’s not abandoning her children on the side of a motorway to watch him play football ffs.
She loves him, she wants to be there for him and that’s why she didn’t know what to do.
I don’t believe anyone ticking her off is actually that weirdly cold and detached in real life, or at least I hope not.

@Allcrisisnocalm glad you talked to him and he knows you’d be there if you could. I’m so sorry for his loss and yours and I hope you and the children can still have a lovely holiday.

DodoTired · 19/07/2025 00:46

Can you take your kids there and then fly back for a few days to support him in the immediate days? Will be cheaper for 1 person and less stressful for them as there will be family there?

Orderofthephoenixparody · 19/07/2025 00:54

BluntPlumHam · 19/07/2025 00:41

It’s just a holiday (which can rescheduled/taken at another time) vs her partners mother dying …. Why on earth are people acting like she’s abandoning her children if she postponed or re-arranged her plans. I cannot believe how dismissive and insensitive so many posters are over her partner going through such a traumatic event.

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They are not a blended family. The op is not close with his family only him. What about his children wanting privacy don't they matter. I think he is a very sensible man who puts his family first. The op has only met his mum once. It's about him and his family and he needs to support his children not the op. He has asked her to go. It's not the right time for her to be there.

thelakeisle · 19/07/2025 00:57

thelakeisle · 18/07/2025 22:31

They'll have such a fantastic time in America. Originally said speak to your boyfriend about it, but no, this is a one off trip for them, you staying won't change your boyfriend's situation, your kids come first. Go.

Edited

And one other thing, people who are dying sometimes take a lot longer timeline than you expect. My mum was given the last rights when I was in my early 20s, and she lived another 10 years. She had been in a coma for several days and was absolutely expected to die. Not saying to expect a miracle, not at all, but this might go on for longer than you expect.

I think you just have to tell him you are going and keep in touch with him as much as you can.

BluntPlumHam · 19/07/2025 00:57

Orderofthephoenixparody · 19/07/2025 00:54

They are not a blended family. The op is not close with his family only him. What about his children wanting privacy don't they matter. I think he is a very sensible man who puts his family first. The op has only met his mum once. It's about him and his family and he needs to support his children not the op. He has asked her to go. It's not the right time for her to be there.

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Well in that case they’re not that serious and she shouldn’t be fretting about not being by his side to begin with …

Orderofthephoenixparody · 19/07/2025 01:00

DodoTired · 19/07/2025 00:46

Can you take your kids there and then fly back for a few days to support him in the immediate days? Will be cheaper for 1 person and less stressful for them as there will be family there?

It's a 9 to 10 hour flight to get to America. I went to Jamaica 20 years ago and the time was 5 or 6 hours behind. Op goes to America then comes back to UK then goes back to America then back to the UK that's 36 hours of flying plus jet lag. She will need a holiday after all that travelling after she gets back with her children in the UK.

RockItLikeRocketFuel · 19/07/2025 01:03

Allcrisisnocalm · 18/07/2025 23:04

I’ve managed to speak to him briefly
i said in any other circumstances I’d be halfway there by now which he knows
he immediately said not to change anything
I said I was looking at changing my flight and my eldest taking the other two and he was adamant not to even consider this

so I will go but I really so desperately wish the timing was different

Seems you've got a good 'un there, OP, lucky you! This is really very simple.

You've made it clear you're in his corner, he's made it clear he understands and appreciates that.

Go. Enjoy your holiday. It sounds like he'll cope.

OneBrightMorning · 19/07/2025 01:07

Orderofthephoenixparody · 19/07/2025 00:54

They are not a blended family. The op is not close with his family only him. What about his children wanting privacy don't they matter. I think he is a very sensible man who puts his family first. The op has only met his mum once. It's about him and his family and he needs to support his children not the op. He has asked her to go. It's not the right time for her to be there.

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It's incorrect to say that the OP has met her partner's mother once. She says she's seen her "lots of times" and that she's a "lovely lovely lady." The OP's children are the ones who have only met the DP's mother once.

Orderofthephoenixparody · 19/07/2025 01:12

BluntPlumHam · 19/07/2025 00:57

Well in that case they’re not that serious and she shouldn’t be fretting about not being by his side to begin with …

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That was my first thought. The op was very honest about the relationship in her posts. He sounds like a nice man. The op and her partner have a sensible relationship that doesn't cross boundaries. I think the op is stressed about the journey in the morning and leaving her partner. It will all be fine she is doing the right thing.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 19/07/2025 01:15

Your children need to to make their holiday easier.
He needs you because his Mum is dying. (Whatever he says - you know how this will be feeling for him.)

Are you sure your teens can't cope? It would be an adventure for them - whatever happens.

Orderofthephoenixparody · 19/07/2025 01:18

OneBrightMorning · 19/07/2025 01:07

It's incorrect to say that the OP has met her partner's mother once. She says she's seen her "lots of times" and that she's a "lovely lovely lady." The OP's children are the ones who have only met the DP's mother once.

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Got it

Bigpakchoi · 19/07/2025 01:20

RockItLikeRocketFuel · 19/07/2025 01:03

Seems you've got a good 'un there, OP, lucky you! This is really very simple.

You've made it clear you're in his corner, he's made it clear he understands and appreciates that.

Go. Enjoy your holiday. It sounds like he'll cope.

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💯 agree - you go OP with your children. They are your first priority. Also he is not alone - he has his siblings, children and other family. You can still offer emotional support from the States on a daily basis and importantly you will be back in the UK before the funeral and will be there to support for that and also the months to come.

Horserider5678 · 19/07/2025 01:25

thelakeisle · 18/07/2025 22:35

But he didn't have to choose to stop his children going on a once in a life time trip. In three weeks time you will regret not going, and your kids will be terribly upset. You staying changes nothing, if it was the other way around you'd tell him to go.

Your kids are more important than your boyfriend, you should go.

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It’s hardly a once in a lifetime trip all her family live there! She’s been with her partner 8 years so he is significant in her life! Send the children on and fly out a bit later!

Orderofthephoenixparody · 19/07/2025 01:28

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 19/07/2025 01:15

Your children need to to make their holiday easier.
He needs you because his Mum is dying. (Whatever he says - you know how this will be feeling for him.)

Are you sure your teens can't cope? It would be an adventure for them - whatever happens.

She said in her post "he’s got his adult kids and two siblings at the hosp". She may upset them more if she turns up without her children. She tells them don't worry they're on their way to America. She has already said they are a close family would they leave their children to travel alone without them. The last thing the op needs is his family slagging her off about her parenting. They will have an opinion I would and so would a lot of people with children. Kirsty Allsop was reported to social services for allowing her 16 year old? to go travelling with his friend after he completed his GCSEs.