Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

[Allcrisisnocalm]

Fuck fuck fuck
my partners mum won’t last the night (totally unexpected)
i want to be with him - he’s 3 hours away
but I’m due to fly tomorrow morning to America with my three kids - first time they’ve been out to see my family there in 9 years - I have no family here other than my kids. Literally due to leave for the airport at 7am tomorrow

I don’t live with my partner so his mum my kids have only met once.

DP was due to join us a week later with his kids

I’ve checked the travel insurance policy with a fine tooth comb (am a lawyer) and defo won’t cover the mum of my partner as we’ve got separate insurance policies
my policy is just for me and my kids rather than a joint policy with partner

I don’t know what to do

I could maybe see if I can push the flights back 24 hours but it looks like it will be another £3k (same cost as original)

or send my 2 youngest with my 18 yr old and join in 24 hours? A huge responsibility for the eldest and im not sure im comfortable with it but could speak to eldest to see what she feels about it
youngest two are 11 and 15 so not babies
they’d be met by family

can’t work out the extra flight cost just for me but I think it will be around £1k , that’s not great but better than £3k but I don’t know if I can send my kids alone

fuck fuck fuck

I am sure there will be plenty to organise, but that can be done from the US. In your position I would fly him out and then you can support him in person, and still give your dc a holiday. He won’t be in work anyway.

I’m pleased you’re on your way. But so sorry for the extremely difficult circumstances.

it sounds like your relationship is strong and he respects how you need to consider your DC. Lots of FaceTime and calls while you’re away, maybe a message to his bro and kids too.

try to enjoy your holiday.

It is easy to say I would stay despite the costs, if you can afford it.

OP can’t. The existing flights are on credit and her future funds are going to be eaten up by university fees. She doesn’t have a spare £1000 to rearrange her own flight, never mind £4000 to change everyones.

Its a sad situation, and not one anyone would have chosen, but personally I can’t imagine letting a 11/15/18 year old do that trip on their own and make their way through immigration. OPs partner has told her to go, I would go.

Also we don’t all handle bereavement and grief in the same way. I am a very practical person and if I was the DP I would absolutely want OP to go. There will be a lot of arrangements and logistics to do, and I would rather do those myself. If it’s England then funerals take a long time so OO will likely be back for that.

It's a horrible situation but you've done the right thing. You've said he's financially better off than you so he could potentially pay for you to fly back for the funeral.

Oh @Allcrisisnocalm what a difficult dilemma for you. I’ve just been reading through all your updates.
I think you’ve absolutely arrived at the right decision. This is a major trip. As a single mum I understand that financial burden and also ensuring your kids have bonds with other family members is really important.
It is a different trip to a normal holiday - and you are 100% right to go,

Your DP, who sounds lovely btw, has said you should go. This is the first week of his grief journey… they may not even have had the funeral by the time you’re back. (You may be able to return earlier if the funeral happens as it will be easier for your kids to fly back alone from the US.)
He will be so busy in the next few weeks and you will be there later when he wants company in the evening or to talk about her and everyone else has faded away.

Go and know that this 2 weeks will fly and then you will be back with him for the important months ahead,

wishing you all the best xx

You come across as resilient, very caring but sensible.
No decision is ideal but practically rushing to your partner and waking up the children to let them know the sad news and leaving them to get to the airport alone was not practical and distressing for them.
If you had cancelled everything you would have had to take the children with you or left them alone - not great for them at all - it's not just mising the trip it's leaving them in an awkward position.
I think you made the right decision in difficult circumstances. You can be really supportive still to your partner being someone he can offload to each day.

Apologies if someone has suggested this, not got the energy to read the whole thread just your posts - once you're out there is there an option (if needed) to leave your children with family out there and for you to either come back alone and leave the children to come back alone, or for you to come back on a flight and then go back to collect them and return on your original flights? Obviously this completely depends on the ages of your children, whether they and you are happy to be with family without you, if your family are happy to have them to look after, your finances and the aeroplane company policies. But just to give you another option if no-one has suggested it yet.

Oh OP. What a tough decision! I see that you’ve decided to go- that’s what I was going to suggest and I’m glad you’ve decided to go.

I’m really sorry for your loss! I hope you can manage to enjoy your holiday!

I just wanted to reply about the “just a boyfriend” comments.
We are absolutely committed life partners but we haven’t blended families as it wouldn’t be best for our kids as one set would need uprooting.

I was reading this thinking how refreshing that kids haven't been uprooted to blend families for once!

Hope it all goes as well as it can Op.

I'd go on the trip but be as supportive as I could in other ways - regular messages, phone calls, updates etc. I'm sure he'd understand. I definitely wouldn't send the kids on their own - airports are horrible, crowded and confusing places. Plus the children might feel bit abandoned.

Just go. It’s tough but children are more important

He has his siblings and his adult children there is no need to complicate things with an unmarried partner. Tbh you'll probably just be in the way and quite frankly it could come across as grandstanding if you pitch up at her deathbed announcing you've cancelled such a big reunion holiday. It's not your place Apologise profusely say you understand whatever he wants to do about coming out but obviously you put your children first.

@MauriceTheMussel

have some compassion- he may be an adult but his mother is unexpectedly dying!

honestly mumsnet is so weird at times - it’s like only children are worthy of empathy and compassion and anyone over the age of 25 or so is just to be stoic, suck it up and just get on with functioning.

one day your kids will be adults and would you be happy with them receiving the paltry compassion that you think adults should get?

Just go.

I think you should go with your kids. It’s timing isn’t it - few hours later and you would have been online the air when the news came through. If I was your partner I would tell you to go.

Ask your partner what he wants. Depending on his temperament, he may wish to spend these last hours alone with his dm. He may well also want to spend these hours after her passing on his own.

It's still a thing but has to be pre booked (saw it recently on Tiktok a woman sending her daughter to Jamaica for the summer🥰)

It sounds like you've made the right decision in a very complex set of circumstances. I just wanted to also say that seeing your family in America who have not seen you in nearly a decade is also so important. We never know how long we will have to see the people we love. Your children deserve the holiday but you also have an important reason to go.

A very difficult situation @Allcrisisnocalm especially when it arose completely out of the blue but the situation absolutely prevented you from being there. I also think your judgment is being coloured by your past experience of losing your Mum. When my own Mum died I didn’t have DH with me as he was looking after our children. I was fortunate to have my siblings with me & although we aren’t especially close it felt right to share that experience with them rather than with DH. So similar to what your partner has been through.

My main point is you shouldn’t feel any guilt that he’s not supported as he was with the other people closest to his mum. My support from DH came not at the actual point of death but in the weeks and months that followed and that is what you will be able to provide for your DH.

He may even still join you in the US after the initial shock as there’s not a lot more he can do until the funeral.

Enjoy your time and holiday with your children. If death reminds of anything it’s that time spent with family is precious.

May your partners mum RIP

Ah. She's in the air. Right decision all round.

Very sorry to hear about your DP's mum.

I think you did the right thing by going through with your trip though.

I had a similar situation where my DM was in hospital having been told she wouldn't get through the night, but DP had to go and visit family for an urgent matter the same day.

DP had known DM for 20 years so it hurt her not to be there for her, or for me, but it just works out like that sometimes.

DP was there for me when she got back and that was something I really appreciated. I'm sure you'll do the same.

Sorry you are goong through this.

I think you need to travel as planned. You can be supportive remotely, and bring there physically wouldn't necessarily be that helpful.

Obviously DP won't be joining you for part 2 of the holiday so you'll need to reconsider what to do with that time.

When DP will really need you will be for the funeral but those are normally at least a month from the death so presumably you'll be back by then

I'm very pragmatic about these things so I would go as planned. You staying cannot change the outcome and your partner has his family around him.

All that will happen if you stay is everyone sits around for hours waiting for her to go and then... nothing and you've lost 3k.

I didn’t realise! That’s good.

Throw yourself inot this trip for you DCs and for yourself - try hard to lap up all the fun of the extended family. See this as refueling if necessary so that you have the emotional capacity for him in the coming months.

It will be a shock as it was a sudden death but he has close siblings that were with him throughout his life with his DM that you didnt - thye get to share the burden of this experience.

I am relieved that you know she has passed before you boarded your flight.

I am so sorry for your partners loss. So cruel when it happens suddenly.

I fully understand your position. It is possible in the real world to have this arrangement post divorce and for it to be a fully committed long term relationship.

I have done the same and only now, after 4 years have we bought a home together but we will still not be living together full time for another 2 years. Because I’ve put my kids first.

TBH - as a single parent you can’t win on MN. Move in with a new partner before your kids turn 30 you are accused of prioritising your love life over them. Don’t live together - you’re accused of not being partners / in a proper relationship.

Sounds like you’ve navigated both your relationship and this awful sadness as well as you can.