Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

[Allcrisisnocalm]

Fuck fuck fuck
my partners mum won’t last the night (totally unexpected)
i want to be with him - he’s 3 hours away
but I’m due to fly tomorrow morning to America with my three kids - first time they’ve been out to see my family there in 9 years - I have no family here other than my kids. Literally due to leave for the airport at 7am tomorrow

I don’t live with my partner so his mum my kids have only met once.

DP was due to join us a week later with his kids

I’ve checked the travel insurance policy with a fine tooth comb (am a lawyer) and defo won’t cover the mum of my partner as we’ve got separate insurance policies
my policy is just for me and my kids rather than a joint policy with partner

I don’t know what to do

I could maybe see if I can push the flights back 24 hours but it looks like it will be another £3k (same cost as original)

or send my 2 youngest with my 18 yr old and join in 24 hours? A huge responsibility for the eldest and im not sure im comfortable with it but could speak to eldest to see what she feels about it
youngest two are 11 and 15 so not babies
they’d be met by family

can’t work out the extra flight cost just for me but I think it will be around £1k , that’s not great but better than £3k but I don’t know if I can send my kids alone

fuck fuck fuck

Who are you to decide what he is? He’s per partner who she loves and wants to support. He equally wants her to go as he is a supportive partner.

He might still want to join you for all anyone knows.

I’m glad you have decided to go and that your partner made the right choice in encouraging you.

his family doesn’t trump yours (ignore the America pun there). You are seeing your only blood family who you haven’t seen for 9 years. I know his mum has died but he has his family around him. You have family who are travelling across the world to meet you in the US. You have a duty to them to turn up too.

DP is with his family and if he makes his trip will be with you next week.

enjoy this precious time with your children and family and make sure you don’t always have your head in a phone, worry this week

Your family is valuable too and you should ensure you are present with them

Your 18 year old should be able to cope airport to airport if you you feel that you need to stay.

I appreciate you want to be there for your partner but really you're going to be a bit of a spare part so I'd wait to see what he says.

Edit: just seen the update. Final edit: although it was expected so sorry.

I wouldn't disappoint my children to be honest but chances are you might not be back in time to support your partner at the funeral.

Your priority has to be your kids and he agrees. He is with all his family, you need to go see yours. Don't let this ruin a once in a decade time for you and your kids to spend with your family, there's no point going and then spending your whole time moping because you're not by your partners side. His mum doesn't mean anything to your kids, they've barely met her, they need to have the chance to have a wonderful time with their relatives. Support him of course but don't let it take over everything otherwise you may as well have not gone.

Im sure he’d like you to be with him but he has family there. I’d go on holiday . The grieving process will likely be long and you will be there for all but the first bit.

If I couldn't alter the dates without minimal financial cost that would have been the answer to me.

I'm sure it sounds heartless but sometimes you just can't do things that you feel you should when you have other commitments.

No way would I send an 18yr old without me to be responsible for a 15yr old & 11yr old.

It’s not a thing anymore. Under a certain age you have to pay for someone to fly with them. My 18 year old DD would have been able to cope with this but not all 18 yr olds are the same. I think you have to go. He has other family with him.

It's difficult but I would just go. Certainly wouldn't send children on their own.

He has support. Your plans aren’t changeable without significant consequence. If it were me I would definitely not send my kids alone

From another perspective, I wouldn’t actually want a partner rushing up to sympathise with me in person for a day and then fly off to the US, so if you sent your children to the US in advance, expecting to follow on a day later, you might find yourself in the worst possible situation of ruining everything for everyone, with you over here for two weeks and upset family over there, or you not helping your partner in any way whatsoever (just making a token appearance), then flying off to upset family in the US. In all honesty, I think your emotional reaction is entirely understandable, but your partner was right, you need to go ahead with your pre-existing plans. There is a reason you are still just partners, don’t live together, and you have not (yet) blended your families. He has a close knit family and you aren’t his sole emotional crutch. You can be supportive of him without throwing a grenade into your own family set up.

Send them with the 18 year old. As you’re saying, they are not babies and you’ll be met by family - and by you in 24 hours or so. Your 18yo just needs to mind them on the flight. Good solution.

Yeah, great idea, giving your children the impression something appalling has happened at home, then packing them off to the US without you.

I don’t think that really applies in situations like this.

Some very heartless responses here and I wonder what the replies would be if the scenario was reversed.

I wouldn’t go. It sounds as if your partner has been supportive of you when you’ve been grieving in the past. In blended families I don’t believe that ‘kids always come first’, I think that the needs of the family need to be considered equally on a case by case basis and this is one of the times that your partner comes first and needs your support.

If I was in your partner’s shoes I would tell n you to go. You can still support by FaceTime etc.
So sorry you are all going through this.

He has.

I would have changed the flights to Wednesday personally. Even given the cost. I would want to be with my partner in moments like this.

It’s an eight year relationship, so clearly serious.

@Muffinmam you are a terrible fucking person. That’s her partner for 8 years and they are both grieving the loss of his mother.

@Allcrisisnocalm I’m so sorry for your grief right now. Hopefully you can get some sleep on the plane 💐

We’re on our way.

I just wanted to reply about the “just a boyfriend” comments.

We are absolutely committed life partners but we haven’t blended families as it wouldn’t be best for our kids as one set would need uprooting.

We spend most our time together but move between our respective houses depending on when we have our kids, and ensure we also get alone time with our kids. His are adults but young adults so still need him around. I’m actually really proud of how we put our kids first in our lives, not ourselves. I’ve put the kids first again in going away but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel absolutely horrible I can’t support him.

Not just this, but it is likely that although your partner may not join you for the second week, as planned, you will be back in time for the funeral, unless it so happens that in his mother’s area, funerals take place more quickly than in other places, and can support him with your presence there.
My condolences on the loss. I am glad for everyone’s sake that it was relatively quick, by the sounds of it.

Can he fly out earlier?

Firstly, I’m so sorry that your partner’s mum has died during the night.
Secondly, what an awful position you found yourself in. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I hope you can still enjoy spending time with your family.