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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

433 replies

Allcrisisnocalm · 18/07/2025 22:24

Fuck fuck fuck
my partners mum won’t last the night (totally unexpected)
i want to be with him - he’s 3 hours away
but I’m due to fly tomorrow morning to America with my three kids - first time they’ve been out to see my family there in 9 years - I have no family here other than my kids. Literally due to leave for the airport at 7am tomorrow

I don’t live with my partner so his mum my kids have only met once.

DP was due to join us a week later with his kids

I’ve checked the travel insurance policy with a fine tooth comb (am a lawyer) and defo won’t cover the mum of my partner as we’ve got separate insurance policies
my policy is just for me and my kids rather than a joint policy with partner

I don’t know what to do

I could maybe see if I can push the flights back 24 hours but it looks like it will be another £3k (same cost as original)

or send my 2 youngest with my 18 yr old and join in 24 hours? A huge responsibility for the eldest and im not sure im comfortable with it but could speak to eldest to see what she feels about it
youngest two are 11 and 15 so not babies
they’d be met by family

can’t work out the extra flight cost just for me but I think it will be around £1k , that’s not great but better than £3k but I don’t know if I can send my kids alone

fuck fuck fuck

OP posts:
anyolddinosaur · 19/07/2025 06:05

I'm really sorry but you are doing the right thing by going. He will need you most when the funeral is over and other support is less available.

He and his children are probably not going to be able to join you for the second week. If his children are not all adult and he wants younger children out of the way you could offer to meet/ support them.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 19/07/2025 06:09

I’ve just read your update saying she’s passed. So sorry for your loss. I guess this means you got to speak to your partner immediately afterwards.You were there for him at that moment when he reached out which is better than it happening while you’re in the sky.

He needs time now with his immediate family, time to grieve. His trip out to you will be just the tonic for him next week.

You can still be an amazingly supportive partner without being there in person. The level of concern and care you have is obvious. He knows you care. What a difficult situation to find yourself in. Your experience of an unsupportive partner is colouring this situation. You’re very supportive to both him and your children. It’s clear. It’s just a shit situation.

You’re a good mum and a good partner. Enjoy seeing your family and make sure you get a strong coffee this morning.x

user1476613140 · 19/07/2025 06:10

Support your partner remotely once you land in USA.

Coffeeinbed81 · 19/07/2025 06:32

kids annual holiday Versus boyfriend who I don’t live with

no brainer. The former

Coffeeinbed81 · 19/07/2025 06:33

And if i was your partner , id be actively encouraging you to go

Coffeeinbed81 · 19/07/2025 06:36

Your kids haven’t flown long haul for “years”

they’ll feel a heck of a lot more reassured if their mother was them

i would not even fathom them going away and me staying with my partner with whom I don’t even life with

Flyswats · 19/07/2025 06:43

Coffeeinbed81 · 19/07/2025 06:33

And if i was your partner , id be actively encouraging you to go

yes this.

Go and while I know this situation is as you say "stirring up memories of the people you have lost" please don't talk about that to your Partner, it is about his grief now, about his own mother. It's generally really insensitive to make it about you and your losses when someone goes through this. I know that sounds harsh, but its absolutely true.

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 19/07/2025 06:46

I’m so sorry for your partner. I’ve just been through immigration in the US is wasn’t all that bad with the new MPC app but I think in your situation I would fly out with the kids and then take a view on leaving them there with family and flying back by yourself to the UK in a couple of days to be with your partner. Your kids could get back to the uk reasonably easily and you could also return to the US in a week or so.

JollyGreenSleeves · 19/07/2025 06:56

Take your kids on the holiday, it’s the right thing to do. Life is short and for the living. Provide the emotional support via text and calls if he needs you in that way. But I say this honestly, if it was me dying, I wouldn’t want some children and their mum missing out on being together and going on a holiday of a lifetime when they’re not even related.

If your boyfriend cares for you and your kids, and is a sensible man, I would hope he would agree.

JollyGreenSleeves · 19/07/2025 06:57

Take your kids on the holiday, it’s the right thing to do. Life is short and for the living. Provide the emotional support via text and calls if he needs you in that way. But I say this honestly, if it was me dying, I wouldn’t want some children and their mum missing out on being together and going on a holiday of a lifetime when they’re not even related.

If your boyfriend cares for you and your kids, and is a sensible man, I would hope he would agree.

JollyGreenSleeves · 19/07/2025 06:57

Take your kids on the holiday, it’s the right thing to do. Life is short and for the living. Provide the emotional support via text and calls if he needs you in that way. But I say this honestly, if it was me dying, I wouldn’t want some children and their mum missing out on being together and going on a holiday of a lifetime when they’re not even related.

If your boyfriend cares for you and your kids, and is a sensible man, I would hope he would agree.

fluffiphlox · 19/07/2025 06:58

Prioritise your children over a ‘partner’ that you don’t even live with.

ButterCrackers · 19/07/2025 07:16

Go to see your family with your kids. Your kids don’t know your dp and are going to be with your family in the US. This is important to them.

ButterCrackers · 19/07/2025 07:17

Coffeeinbed81 · 19/07/2025 06:33

And if i was your partner , id be actively encouraging you to go

This. If he doesn’t do this then rethink your relationship

Theredjellybean · 19/07/2025 07:22

I'm going against the grain here...don't go unless your partner insists.
He's not just some casual date...you've been together 8 yrs and he has clearly been with you when you've lost someone.
Yes it's tough on your kids but it's a holiday...they can have other holidays.
You partner who I presume you love and care for has just lost his mother unexpectedly...you should be there for him.
Kids don't always come first despite what MN thinks... sometimes life events ruin our plans...learning that and dealing with disappointment is a life lesson I'm afraid.
I would also send the kids on their own, presuming they know how to watch for the boarding gate announcement and know to collect their suitcases at the other end.
If you'd lost your mother and your long term partner took his children on holiday instead of being there for you...how would you feel?

Pricelessadvice · 19/07/2025 07:25

I wouldn’t want my partner or their kids to miss out because of me having a personal tragedy.

LIZS · 19/07/2025 07:28

Take the kids, you can always offer to come back once they are settled but realistically what support can you offer if he is three hours away and it sounds like he has family nearby to do so.

nomas · 19/07/2025 07:34

user1473878824 · 19/07/2025 00:42

It’s about him though, and her being there for him. Not stopping her dying. If your mother died I would hope your partner considered your feelings too!

Show quote history

I would want my partner to prioritise his kids.

Presumably he has his family around him. If he had no one then that would change things.

Valeriekat · 19/07/2025 07:34

lovemetomybones · 18/07/2025 22:29

American immigration sounds horrendous currently I absolutely wouldn’t let my kids go to America alone. I think your options are to either go all together as long planned or take the 3k hit. Does your partner have any other relatives who can support him?

They do have e gates for most travelers.

RememberDecember · 19/07/2025 07:34

Hope you are mid air at this point OP. You can support him remotely and in person when you are back, he will also need you then. It sounds like he has a good family network around him now.

PerfectlyNormalOwlFreeMorning · 19/07/2025 07:35

Grief isn't just for two weeks - he will need you in the weeks and months afterwards - in the UK the funeral is likely to be several weeks away.

I can't see his mum would want you to miss out, and he might still come out for a week, a sad event like this shows us how fragile life is.

Valeriekat · 19/07/2025 07:35

Actually only at some airports but do check

Icebreakhell · 19/07/2025 07:37

Take the kids. He’s surrounded by family, he’s not alone. There is nothing you can do. He’ll then be busy with funeral arrangements. You can be there after, often that is a more lonely time.

Spiderhelp · 19/07/2025 07:46

Orderofthephoenixparody · 19/07/2025 00:37

That's a crazy idea the jet lag alone will wipe her out.

Show quote history

It could work well. I used to have to make short trips for work and the jet lag is manageable. Only suggesting it as OP is in a really difficult situation.

Flights from the US to UK can be much cheaper. From New York there is a round trip from Wednesday 23 for a week for well under 400.

OP, if you do look at a US-UK-US flight Skyscanner will show good options. There is a huge price difference mid week versus weekends.

spoonbillstretford · 19/07/2025 07:48

There's no right or wrong here, it's up to you. Though I lost my mum recently and if I were the partner I'd not want the kids to miss out.

My mum was very ill when DH was due to go away with a mate. He hadn't been on this kind of trip for many years. I told him to go as there was nothing he could do. Mum actually hung on until after he returned, oddly.